Posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 3:59:28
In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me that nobody likes me? » Angel Girl, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 10, 2005, at 18:11:50
I guess the better question is "What did I not do?".
My thought processes were and still are all screwed up and it is so easy for me to misinterpret the written word when you aren't face to face with the other person. I super-analyze what is written to me and if there is even one phrase that I deem to be negative towards me out of an entire email, then I'll focus on that one phrase and question them on it. It didn't take long for this to wear on their patience with me. I would see negativity where there apparently was none to begin with but even when given their explanation, there would be some times that I would still believe my interpretation.
Also, I could feel a real distancing between them and me and I would question them on that as well.
I guess they felt they were always having to answer for themselves and possibly felt they were being interogated but I couldn't help myself. At the time I had a HORRIBLE T, who would make me feel even worse about what I would reply to them. I would take her the emails and show them to her. That therapist was only making me worse so I ended up leaving her. I didn't need her to agree with what I did but she didn't have to be so abrupt about things either and put me down in the process. There are nicer ways of dealing with a person in therapy. I have a wonderful therapist now who is helping me a lot.
When I was at my ultimate lowest in *the black hole* as I call it, I would write them with how I was feeling. I didn't realize it until much later when I was feeling better and re-read what I had written to them, just how scary those emails of mine were. Gosh, they even scared the crap out of me and it was my life and my inner-most thoughts that I was writing.
Anyway, I digressed, sorry! The one of the turning points was the last time I was going to kill myself. Instead of looking at it as that I was obviously in deep pain, they became very angry at me for putting them through that. I understand the effect it had on them but where did *I* go in that situation? Did I not matter? Not once was I asked if *I* was ok. When I mentioned that to them, they said I had a lot of gall to even ask such a question after what I just did. They felt it was all an act of manipulation and attention-seeking. How little they understand. It was me wanting the pain to stop and it was the only way at the time that I knew how. It was not about them. It was about me.
The most recent incident that ended it totally, was when I did something stupid but extremely trivial in haste, as I so often do but later apologized for my actions. The person told me that she accepted my apology because it was the Christian thing to do, and to forget about it as she had already done. BUT then just a couple of days later, without anymore input from my end, I find out that she didn't forgive me afterall or else she changed her mind, I'm not sure which. I have no idea what transpired for her change of heart and wondered what happened to accepting my apology because it was the Christian thing to do. I questioned her *nicely* and she ignored my email. I tried about 4 times, all to no avail. She then circulated what I assume to be one of my emails to a *number* of other people, some who were very good friends of mine, others who barely knew me and the situation quickly escalated out of control. The end result was an email from my *best* friend telling me that I was cruel and that I was to never contact this girl ever again or it would be considered harrassment and that I was also never to contact her ever again, including replying to the email. She didn't want to hear any explanations or *excuses because of my illness* ever again. Cruel? I had no idea what she was talking about. I was not *cruel* in any of my emails to her. Excuses because of my illness? I never even mentioned it. If this girl knew about my illness it did not come from me. I barely even knew this girl. My friend who wrote this e-mail to me said she was taught to pray for those who will *harm them* and she would do that for me. Harm them? WTF is that about? I HAVE NEVER ONCE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE THREATENED ANYONE IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. I was left feeling extremely frustrated, confused, more depressed and alone, having absolutely no idea what had happened to cause such a result. I still don't understand it and to be honest, it frustrates the hell out of me how something so trivial is not forgivable. BTW, I did as she requested and did not reply her e-mail, as tempting as it was. We have not talked since.
All in all, the bottom line is I scared the hell out of them and they had reached their limit. I realize that there is only so much that people can take but doesn't a *true* friend stand by you when the going gets rough, or are friends just for the good times? I guess I overstayed my welcome. I just find it hard giving the end result and knowing how things used to be before I realized I was BP. :(
I obviously can not have friendships.
DAMN THIS DISORDER!!! IT HAS WRECKED MY LIFE.
AG
poster:Angel Girl
thread:439973
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050106/msgs/441028.html