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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 40. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
i'm tired of having suicidal thoughts.
i've been up and fast for the last at least three weeks and this weekend i got sick and yesterday i stayed home from work and slept most of the day. last night i started getting negative. now all i can think of is how nothing in my life is how i wanted, none of my dreams will ever come true. i'm trapped where i don't want to be. nothing will ever change for me. and all i can think about is buying a gun on the streets.
i've dropped pretty fast.
and we're so broke (as i'm reminded every freaking day by my DH) that i will not go to the hospital again. that's just not an option.
...just tired.
dont know who else to tell.
it seems i have no one.
my T's been unavailable for the last two weeks and so much has happened that i don't feel i can even go back and talk about past stuff now. its over with. dealt with or not. its done. who cares.
i have no friends anymore. my DH never home, i have to take care of everything with no help after i come home from work and my measly pay just isn't enough anymore. im tearing up, cuz i feel like such a freaking failure.
a failure at everything i've ever tried.
Posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2008, at 12:33:26
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
BChica2 right now kind of in the same place as you. It's up to me and strenght is gone. Please be safe and no gun. I know you're not a failure as you are working and that's an accomplishment to me. Hang in there. Yeah I know easy to say. Love Phillipa
Posted by backseatdriver on April 22, 2008, at 14:28:55
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2008, at 12:33:26
B2C -- I'm thinking much the same myself these days. Please hang in.
Posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by backseatdriver on April 22, 2008, at 14:28:55
hang in for what?
SERIOUSLY...FOR FREAKING WHAT?*a husband i hardly see, and when i do he yells at me or complains, or asks more of me.
*a job that a trained monkey could do, where no one even notices if i'm sick and gone for two days.(or cares)
*a home that's too small for the family i dream of
of which my DH told me we'll never move from with exlicit words,
*and laughs at the thought of the family i want because he says i'm too unstable to handle it...point proven here.
*a pipe dream of a side career in art that is a joke. my work is juvenile and incomplete.WEll guess what ladies. Realization is here and it Sucks.
i'm going home soon and gonna count my money. we'll see how this week goes. i'll give it one week. everyone has one week to say what they really want to say to me (not you, the people IRL). i will make sure to contact everyone so they all have their chance.
Posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 15:26:52
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
...i never wanted it to be like this...
Posted by I need a hug on April 22, 2008, at 16:13:43
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
B2,
FWIW, I don't know you very well but I do know you from another site. I know that you are a wonderful mom to your little girl. I have seen your artwork. I think you are talented enough to have your own showing and others think so as well. You are also a very talented poet. You are struggling now. I know you have been through hell in the past but you've made it this far. Please think about what, or rather who, is the most important thing in your life to you right now at this very moment. You need to be here for her. She needs you. She loves you. You love her more than anything, don't you? It won't be easy B2, but you've got the most precious thing in the world and isn't she worth fighting for? It won't be be easy. Life's a b*#%h sometimes. But, I know you're a survivor so please don't go down without a fight. (((((B2))))) HUGS
Posted by raisinb on April 22, 2008, at 16:21:38
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
B2 I don't know you, but it sounds like you are in a really bad place and need some help. I know that right now it feels like there's nothing to live for (believe me I've been in that place) but when you are in another place you might feel differently.
Please reach out to your T, if available, or someone else who can help you.
Posted by MissK on April 22, 2008, at 17:37:46
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
Your post makes me think of the saying : if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Meaning, I think, look for the sweetness to lessen the bitter.
You are not the first and won't be the last to realize at some point life is not what you expected it to be and disappointment associated with that, that it is not what you imagined when you reached x age, or when x happened or when you got x, etc.
We are the sum of the choices we make. What's good is we can always choose to do and think things differently. I hope things start looking better soon.
I wonder what you mean by this:
>i'll give it one week. everyone has one week to say what they really want to say to me (not you, the people IRL).
Posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:19:03
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
So you're feeling trapped too?
And you have a little child to care for.
And you're feeling like a failure.
This feels very familiar.
You know, perhaps none of your dreams will come true.
I find it difficult to believe that I amount to anything, but when I think of other people, the things I respect are the qualities they convey through the lives they lead.
And whether they achieve their dreams or not is not so important (to me) as whether they can (sometimes, at least) be kind and good and caring, not to speak of the courage they may have to bring to bear just to keep going.
Posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:21:57
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
>hang in for what?
SERIOUSLY...FOR FREAKING WHAT?Indeed.
Life sucks and it ends badly.
Even so.....
Posted by MissK on April 22, 2008, at 19:12:38
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:19:03
I liked your post Sigismund.
>You know, perhaps none of your dreams will come true.
Maybe not some or all of the original ones; I've found they can and do change. Sometimes, it's hard accepting them to change though.
Posted by AbbieNormal on April 22, 2008, at 19:43:29
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
Depression sucks. Mean people suck. Living with one REALLY sucks.
I'm so sorry life is so cruddy for you now. I hope you will believe (even a tiny little bit) that your life will change. Life won't always suck this bad. Sometimes it will suck tho. Then changes will happen, and it won't suck as badly. Honest.
Life does change. Really truly. It never stays the same for very long. Right now it sucks horribly. A year from now it will be different. Please stick around and see.
Abbie
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 20:17:53
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by I need a hug on April 22, 2008, at 16:13:43
((((((((((((((((((((B2)))))))))))))))))))))))
You are special, I see it, and so do others. I really don't like what you husband says about you wanting a bigger family. What a mean and cruel thing to say to you.Even if you call everyone you know, and nobody says what you want, you have your daughter who can't verbally express what you mean to her in so many ways. So there is at least one person in your real life. For me, my kids are everything to me, it keep me going through this depression.
And about your art work, you are VERY talented, I was really impressed with your art work. I wished I saved it, I especially like the one with the tree. It is how I feel and you put what I feel into a painting, and that is incredible talent to do. (especially my twisted feelings)
B2, when is your next T appointment? I think you better call him. I was thinking of you this morning, so it was funny to see your post, even though it isn't a happy one. I miss you and glad you posted, and I hope you keep doing so. ((((B2)))
Posted by seldomseen on April 22, 2008, at 21:00:59
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
Personally, realizations, even the sucky ones, can be a very strong impetus for change.
I think what you are saying very clearly now is "yeah, my life sucks and what I am going to do about it".
I've been there. I hear you. I've stood right where you are standing right now. Enough is enough.
You've got a huge choice ahead of you and I hope you haven't already made it.
Is this the end of something, or is this the beginning of something?
I've learned that life opens up to us in very strange ways and we are never, ever trapped.
The choices we made in the past do not have to be the choices we continue to make in the future.
Good luck to you B2chica.
If you need us, we are here.Peace.
Posted by obsidian on April 22, 2008, at 21:50:54
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
yeah...I know what it feels like to be "tired"
I'm sorry, I hope things ease for you soon
(((you)))
-sid
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 0:09:47
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
Sorry you in such a bad space right now B2.
Wassup with your T?
Hows the meds thing working out?
Sorry, I kinda outta the loop.
Ya, life can be pretty damn sh*tty sometimes, lotsa times.
Other day, I was kinda messed, and I was laying on grass, and looking at weeds, and then this frikken shiny black ant goes walking on by. It was so COOL! Its little anteenae waving, it was so SHINY. It was weird. Amazing.
Y'know, its real hard being a MOm. Real hard. Specially if you got no support. Ya love your kid so much, but they can bring out best and worst in ya. Its hard, you want so bad for everything to be OK for them. But life don't always work out so's you can do alls you want for yer kids. And manoman, I feel so bad as to how I have affected my kids as a result of my issues. But y'know, my one kid I worry bout most, he been doing better some lately. I been doing better more too.
So I dunno, my dreams all gone to sh*t too, TOTALLY. I never done sh*t all w/my life, and I had opportunities, I just f*ck*d it all up, and now my body wrecked some, and I getting old some, so there's lots more restrictions on what I can do....regrets, damn I got plenty of them.
But I not gonna frikken give up damnit. NO. F*ck that, I keep going, one foot in front of the other, and sometimes the roads pretty nice, other times I wading thru sh*t.
Its real hard to be alone and mentally abused by the one who should support you.
I wonder where you could get some support? Like mothers groups? If T no good, mebbe can find another? Can you focus on what possibilities there are for change in your life. I can see as you feel trapped, but things can and do change. Freakin asking for the moon if you depressed, but depression has passed before for you, so mebbe you can think...ok...I just make it thru this f*ck*ng shithole hell I in now, and things bound to get better eventually, SOMETHING will change eventually, and when I feeling better, I gonna try and do what I need to do to try and improve my life situation, even a tiny bit.
Or go lay on the grass and look at ants. SHINY black ants, tiny little weeds sprouting, and dirt. Not a bad 5 mins spent for me. I enjoyed it.
Mebbe itsa my version of smelling roses, cuz I not so dainty, so I look at ants.
B2, you got some great talent, and great kindness inside, and lotsa love to give.
I send ya the very best wishes I can.
Your a good person.
I know these things.
Hell I a nut, but WTF, I a NICE nut, reckon that oughtta count for somethin eh?
So....
cares sent your way to ALLA you OK?
Hugs for thems that wants em.
A slug un the arm for thems that'd prefer that.
And I'll just sit quietly beside anybodys who wants company.
Hell, there's plenty of me to go around!(LOL).
Luv ya,
Take care
M
Posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:13:43
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:19:03
-ya, trapped...suffocating, buried alive.
-..she's so perfect sig, i took her out on the swing last night and started crying cuz she's so perfect, i don't understand how someone like her came from me.
-i cant seem to name anything i'm doing right these days, at work or home even with being a mother and my DH reminds me, it seems i'm always doing something wrong.
i agree with what i look at in others, but i can't seem to see any of that or anything worthwhile in me.
Posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:17:23
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** - realization., posted by seldomseen on April 22, 2008, at 21:00:59
> If you need us, we are here.k
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:01:50
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
You have a beautiful baby, so you can't be a failure at everything you've tried.
It sounds to me as if you're very angry. (Although I certainly could be wrong.) When I get very angry, I sometimes want to hurt myself. And not even because I think hurting myself will hurt others. I think I just turn it inwards. If you are feeling angry, maybe you could express it (in a legal and nondestructive way) to whoever you're angry with?
My son was really worried for a while about failure. And one day he sat down and asked me about all the possible things he could do to screw up his life, from failing a test up to and including failing to stop the world from being taken over by an alien invasion. I was surprised to find that I actually believed what I told him. That the worst that can happen is that life as you expect it to be might be over, but that life itself goes on. And that you can build new hopes and dreams and new expectations.
This from a person terrified of failure.
Don't you have dreams for your daughter? Dreams you'd like to help her achieve? Do you really want to leave her to the total care of your husband?
Even if you're feeling furious with or disappointed in your therapist, please give him or her a call. There may be meds to help you through the worst of this time of feeling so very very bad. And if your therapist can't help you build new dreams based on where you are right now, you can build them without your therapist's help.
But right now I can hear how very very bad you're feeling. And right now you need to find ways to hang on until you feel less bad. Risperdal helps me with that. Maybe there is something that can help you with it?
Posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:01:50
my T isn't the answer. nothing is. its the same problems over and over. i'm just messed up in the head. over and over and freaking over again. dont you ever get tired of having me come on here and saying i want to die?? seriously? then i get better, then i come back AGAIN. i'm tired of it.
i DO want to be there for my DD. but then i think about how DH and i fight and the things he says that i try to correct so that she wont take things to heart when she gets older, and i feel like its an endless battle. that if i weren't there there would be no fighting.
i know what's right for her but my DH doesn't see it and doens't understand it and argues with me then says its all in my head and why should he listen to me after all i see a therapist.
i am angry, angry at myself for not being able to stop the repetition of what i grew up with (tears). i wanted so much more for my daughter.maybe with me out of her life he can just raise her the way he wants no arguement. afterall his family is good. its just different from what i want for her.
i know his sister would step right up for her.
i have some savings that would help pay off our debt.
i just have to find a time.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:45:04
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Dinah, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
I think you probably want more for your daughter than to have had her mother kill herself. I haven't had it happen to me, but from what I hear it's a far greater burden than any amount of fighting would be.
I understand you're tired. But you *do* feel better at times. And yes, you may feel bad again later. But you *do* feel better again.
There are ways to improve the atmosphere your daughter lives in, in terms of fighting with your husband. But once you're gone, there's no way to improve her chances of having a mother who loves her as you love her. Imperfect you may be, as we all are. But you're the only mother she'll ever have. Don't take that away from her. Seek help now. Try to improve conditions for her. But please don't take something away from her that she can never ever replace.
Have you had any recent medication changes? Are you on a regimen that has been helpful for you?
Posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 16:18:56
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 0:09:47
Muffled, thank you for that post about the ant. It was the best thing I've read in weeks :) Sometimes we find miracles in the most unexpected places.
B2 I agree with the others, call your T. This sounds too hard to get through all by yourself. Take care.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 18:13:31
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Dinah, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
Sounds like you are fighting something inside yourself very hard.
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 21:00:38
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » muffled, posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 16:18:56
Posted by rskontos on April 23, 2008, at 22:11:05
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:13:43
My dear friend, your DH is an As* and he is taking out his insecurities on you right now. Don't listen to him about what you can and can't do and what you are doing right or wrong. Personally I would like to slug him right now.
You are talented. I have seen your work too and I would buy any of your paintings. In fact, will you sell me one? I need some art for my house!!
Now, that perfect little one comes from you because you are special. Now don't argue with me I am older than you. So treat us ole' folks kindly and don't argue. You are good and you love her. And besides she loves you so you can't check out no matter WTF the IRL people say. And I would miss you and Babbler's would miss you. And who would raise that sweet child? DH? No I didn't think so.
Yeah trapped I get that. Yeah I am trapped in my head. But you can dig yourself out slowly but surely.
He*l none of us always do stuff right but that is ok too. And forget DH oh yeah I already said that. You do plenty right just look at that sweet baby.
I can think of plenty worthwhile in you. And plenty others see it too.
So you can pull yourself up out of the muck. A wise babbler told me this when I felt like you, that what I really wanted was my soul to soar free of all its confinements on Earth. And that is true so it is up to us to find a way to soar while on Earth. And that can be done.
Watching ants like Muffy does. Watching a sunset, or swinging with a beautiful baby :)
you will weather this sucky time. we are here for you.
(((((((((((((((B2c)))))))))))))))
rsk
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