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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
I can't believe what happened today.
I filled out and delivered an application to work at a coffee shop, I inquired after another job in my field (something part time) and I helped husband put together this massive cherry 4 poster bed.then I collapsed. and I want to die SOOOOO bad. I look at the spot on my arm from last week and it looks so inviting. I guess this pharmacological intervention is working, but it's temporary.
and I stopped eating again. I have no will to eat. no will to sustain life.
I wish that i could maintain that kind of energy all day long. And when I feel bad, I can't even remember what it is to feel good.
I'm such a mopey noodle. I just want to (I can't say it here. too horrible)
why am I so f*cked up. this is unbelievable.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 20:20:18
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 20:25:20
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
just for clarification,
Fallsfall taught me how NOT to commit suicide. So I'm going to go to my safe place now and promise not to leave. even if I get an itch.
-Ll
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 29, 2007, at 20:53:00
In reply to Re: not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigge » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 20:25:20
Good for you, Llurpsie. I'm sorry things are so tough right now. You're in my thoughts.
Posted by muffled on July 29, 2007, at 21:33:05
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
Try and remmeber LL that with the meds change it takes time. You may be quite labile for a bit.
Also please keep your T/p-doc in the loop as they need to know wassup so they can help you. Cuz you know there's a part of you that doesn't wanto quit. Listen to that part. There's emotions bottled up inside of you and they gonna bust out one way or another sometimes. But thats OK. Then it eases up a bit again. I know its frustrating RIGHT NOW, but later when you look back it won't seem so long. So you have made some very good posts with some very good lists of self care.
I will repeat myself at risk of being REALLY annoying, but if your feeling out of control, then the hospital IS an option until the meds get stabilzed.
Hang in there.
Remember to babble if you can.
Take special care.
Muffled
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:39:07
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
Dear Llurpise,
YOu got a lot of productive stuff done today, normally that would make someone feel good. Do you think you did too much? I wish I could do something but I am not much help to anyone nowdays, I am a slug.
When do you see your pdoc or T ? I hope you can talk to them soon. You should probably call them now ifyou could. Take care, Llurpsie, please don't hurt yourself.
Posted by Phillipa on July 29, 2007, at 22:39:00
In reply to Re: not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:39:07
Lurpsie as my pdoc says my your poor brain and all those med changes it doesn't know what to do. Is hubby home? You definitely should not be by yourself. And you must call the pdoc and therapist tomorrow reguardless as maybe they did make too many changes too quickly and remember what muffled said and she's right I second her on that. Love Phillipa
Posted by OzLand on July 29, 2007, at 22:46:30
In reply to ignore that SH*T. I want to disappear. adio (nm) » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 20:20:18
I am sorry things went from good to bad so quickly, but believe me I sure do understand. One day I am ready to commit suicide and the next day I feel better, but by the end of the day, it's back to square one. Sometimes all it takes is something someone says or trying to do too much at once. HUM. Didn't you just tell me to have some compassion for myself.
I think you know this is not all going to be easy, and you won't always feel good. It helps me to see this is true too. Others have the same thing going on--good some days and feeling like sh*t other days and feeling like wishing to be dead on other days. We just have to help each other with this. I care about what happens to you. I don't accept or give many hugs, but here is is ((((Lurpsie)))). Now I am going to cry as none of this is fair for you or anyone else and I guess not for me either. TAke care
Oz
Posted by JoniS on July 29, 2007, at 23:00:25
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
Dear Llurpsie,
I am so sorry about the difficult times you're having. I'm sure there are many factors to consider, but the meds changes is making it an even greater challenge. Remember that and don't be so hard on yourself. So many of us have to rely on good medication to help us work toward living a "normal" life; and our need for those meds can't be 'willed' away. So here we are, finding ourselves so vulnerable to those extreme highs and lows as we try to determine what chemical mix is the answer. Then when that is under control, we can try to deal with what troubles our souls.
That's my ...Blah blah babble to say - please dont blame yourself or say that you are so ___ed up. You are not. My impression is that you are a wonderful, loving, caring human being doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.
Please take care of yourself.
((((((((Lurpsie)))))))))Joni
Posted by Deneb on July 30, 2007, at 0:23:10
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
(((((LlurpsieNoodle))))))))
I hope you feel better soon. I'm not sure how to help.
Things will get better Llurpsie. The feelings you have are temporary. It will be OK. Just ride the waves. It's tough, but you can do it. I care Llurpsie. People care about you. I hope you feel some of it.
Deneb*
Posted by B2chica on July 30, 2007, at 8:10:45
In reply to not out of the woods yet eff-me suicide trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 19:10:33
hi (((((Lurpsie)))))
dear i hope you are feeling better, even if it is only the tiny-est improvement.please don't hurt Lurpsie. we need her here. you make such a presence on this board. and you are important to me.
when you feel up to it. please let us know you are ok.
please take gentle care of our Lurpsie...b2c.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 8:26:11
In reply to Lurpsie?? how are you?, posted by B2chica on July 30, 2007, at 8:10:45
I had an exhausting night. I didn't sleep very well at all. so restless with dreams that kept on going around and around in circles.
I have some recurrent dreams that are very ominous. Not anything like real-life stuff that pops up in nightmares, but just ominous.
I think I finally fell asleep about 2am.
I'm still exhausted, so screw that exercise class at 830, which I already missed.
I verbalized 2 goals this am. one was
brush teeth
the other was wash face.then I found a pair of jeans and a nice top to wear. the exciting thing is that this is a pair of jeans that I wore in COLLEGE. I lost almost 15 lbs this summer and it's finally paying off. Even if the rest of my body is going to hell, my metabolism is cooperating with the nutrisystem efforts.
***********
You all are wonderful people, with beautiful babble-faces. I feel this sense of fellowship to have so many people on this thread. And somewhat ashamed that I should be so alarming. Deneb's right- these feelings pass. And slugdoo said that maybe I did too much. She's right too. muffled, don't underestimate the power of leaving the hopsital option open. If you hadn't suggested it back in march, no telling what would have happened to me. And to joni and b2chica and Oz and phillipa. your suggestions and your support are much appreciated. I know that part of this is medication changes, but my former (((pdoc))) always pushed me really hard to consider the life situations and the psychological variables that contribute to bad feelings. That's a habit that I'm starting to appreciate. Because meds can only change every 2 weeks or so, but attitudes and behaviors can make the difference in the course of a day. I intend to make my day productive and calm.
I am trying my best to get my husband on board. he has been very sweet since our argument last week, and when I was really scared last night, he hugged me and reassured me that he would take care of me. when I felt utterly alone.
And there are those who babblemail me, and I want to thank them too.
The plan for this morning is to write a resume that makes it seem like I can work in a coffee shop. I will make it beautiful and articulate.
Now I'm back to oolong
take care of you, and please write me back if you get a chance. I'm lonely
_ll
Posted by jammerlich on July 30, 2007, at 10:31:20
In reply to Re: Lurpsie?? how are you?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 8:26:11
Llurpsie, I'm so sorry you're lonely. I know it's a tough place to be. I don't know what to say, really, other than I hear you and I think I understand at least a little.
It seems like you have a good perspective....that it will pass and that thinking patterns, etc. can be just as important as medication. If you're anything like me, though, sometimes that clarity (or any other kind of clarity) comes only in moments. But, I think that's OK. Maybe the goal seems more doable if we work to increase those moments here and there, instead of wishing for clarity non-stop.
Good luck with writing your resume. I have no doubt that it will be beautiful and articulate. You do those things very well. I don't know why they wouldn't want you. They'd be lucky to snag you!!
Jammer
Posted by Honore on July 30, 2007, at 10:32:46
In reply to Re: Lurpsie?? how are you?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 8:26:11
Yeah-- life situation not copacetic--
but let's not under-estimate massive drug overdose- massive drug withdrawal, - starting of new drugs-- and what a huge attack on body, mind all that is--
necessarily leading to massive disruptions in the short term.
In fact, I wonder if it might not be safer to go a little slower on the drug withdrawal? Is pdoc totally sure this great a shift is best long-term?
I still feel that maybe another pdoc might be wise. I'm not sure I'm feeling this pdoc, as they say.
I'm alarmed-- but I trust you Llurpsie. I feel that there's a lot of quiet or hidden strength that you have. Not limitless amounts to be sure-- but I really do trust you to stay alive. If there's ever any doubt about that-- you do have me and so many others right there for you, you know. Any time of day or night (I'm a nightowl.)
Don't forget to take the klonopin, though-- if you feel things getting too weird. That (or a little bit of seroquel one day) should help quiet down an overly steep transition, I hope. They did (xanax and seroquel) for me.
Thinking of you,
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 13:36:39
In reply to Re: Lurpsie?? how are you? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on July 30, 2007, at 10:32:46
>life situation not copacetic--
nope-- more acetic than coping.
>
> but let's not under-estimate massive drug overdose- massive drug withdrawal, - starting of new drugs-- and what a huge attack on body, mind all that is--
>
> necessarily leading to massive disruptions in the short term.
>yeah, but I think that if I had landed in the hospital they would have done worse to me. I pity the pdocs who see someone in crisis and have to decide on the fly what to do. Well, he has reviewed my history, and asked me very carefully what my experience on antidepressants was like. (cymbalta)
I think the approach here is agressive with getting me off the geodon. yes, pretty fast withdrawal/taper whatever.
And more gentle with adding the abilify (5mg) and zoloft (only 25 mg). He told me that he wanted to make it easier and more gentle on my system, and I appreciate that.
> In fact, I wonder if it might not be safer to go a little slower on the drug withdrawal? Is pdoc totally sure this great a shift is best long-term?
>IMO (and I hope in pdoc's opinion too) my main symptoms are mood swings and depression, tinged with some psychotic features, as they're so quaintly called. So, I guess the long term strategy for ME would be an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. But wait! there's more! klonopin for anxiety, sonata for sleeping. those two are probably going to be essential for making it through the next 2-3 weeks.
> I still feel that maybe another pdoc might be wise. I'm not sure I'm feeling this pdoc, as they say.
>I don't think I have the oomph to find another pdoc. Even though my first appt.s with him weren't so positive, just kind of dry and clinical. I feel like he heard me at my 3rd appt. His staff is very friendly and was able to see me right away the next morning after I complained of intense suicidal thoughts.
I don't want to defend him, but I want to see what's going to happen with this cocktail. the proof is in the pudding, so to speak.
> I'm alarmed-- but I trust you Llurpsie. I feel that there's a lot of quiet or hidden strength that you have. Not limitless amounts to be sure-- but I really do trust you to stay alive. If there's ever any doubt about that-- you do have me and so many others right there for you, you know. Any time of day or night (I'm a nightowl.)
>Your confidence in me means so much. (saline excretions threatening to erupt. And your caring and smarts to share. I'm so glad to have people caring about me. I wish it weren't so hard to ask for help. I'm getting a little better at asking for help from husband, but recent events have made it harder. I'm not sure that he really needs to know WHY I need extra hugs, or someone to stay with me.
> Don't forget to take the klonopin, though-- if you feel things getting too weird. That (or a little bit of seroquel one day) should help quiet down an overly steep transition, I hope. They did (xanax and seroquel) for me.
I have to take 2 klonopins every day. That is my promise to myself. not optional, Llurpsie. part of my prescribed regimen. And food is not optional either. I'm trying to take my supplements too. I take fish oil and multivitamin and A&D&C&E extra. I know that this stuff is hard on my brain right now.
Honore, thank you for sharing your concerns. I know that a lot of people might have reservations, and be afraid to voice them. It's okay though.
And just so that this post doesn't get moved to the /meds/ board (yeah, right, like anyone ever redirects posts anymore!)
I have T tomorrow and I am happy to finally be able to see him 2x a week. It's been almost 2 months of only having T about every 2 weeks. That's really hard.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 19:54:04
In reply to Re: Lurpsie?? how are you? » Honore, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 13:36:39
I am simply not a straight line. there is so much fluctuation that it scares the crap out of me. I don't want to commit to anything. I don't know where it's coming from. It could have SO many causes. It's been going on for a while now, and I want it to stop so bad. I feel great then I feel like dying. Sometimes I can snap out of it, sometimes I can't. Little things make me spiral into a seemingly impenetrable fog.
Now I can't concentrate enough to read or watch TV. I did a little quilting though. I can sew in a straight line, which is reassuring. I just don't have too much stamina.
Babble is pretty much all that is keeping me going right now :''( and I feel like such an incapacitated freak most of the time. hermit. freak.
I just want to go somewhere where I can get some real peace. Some rest. Make my neurotransmitters stabilize. I miss my former T, and I am now counting days between quieT appointments.
I know all the things I *should* be doing, but it seems that my mind is conspiring against me. I have a very simple job description right now- keep myself safe, eat food, bathe regularly, take meds. I can't even seem to do those 4 things consistently.
confession. I made two mistakes with my medication today. I keep a weekly pill planner thing. I take pills 3 times a day. yesterday I took all of my pills except sonata (sleeping pill) WTF??? and I'm exhausted all day today? 2nd mistake. I noticed that this am's geodon was the last pill. I get out the pill bottle and call for a refill. They processed the refill and told me that they don't have it in stock, and won't have it 'til tomorrow. 3pm. My mistake is that I know that this small pharmacy doesn't have geodon in stock. It's even written on my pill bottle. I just lost track of it all. Now what? I'm so ashamed. I think I might be able to track down some seroquel samples left from the good old days. basically, though, I'll be missing 2 doses of geodon, which means that it will be COMPLETEly out of my system by tomorrow when I can pick up my Rx. F*CK ME
okay. I think I have used up all the goodwill on babble. I should just go into hiding. people have been so supportive, but I have no new stories to tell, just more of the same. I only write because there's nothing else my mind is capable of at the moment.
off to hunt down those seroquel tablets. F*CK.
-Lppkopjerpoqewrt9uv
Posted by OzLand on July 30, 2007, at 20:09:25
In reply to How I am » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 19:54:04
Llurpsie
I am sort of laughing but not at you but laughing because I did the same damn thing. I have this pill box, and my pills in the cupboard, and when I went to fill the box for the week, oh sh*t--no psych meds left, no bp meds left, no GERD meds left. Oh crap; I paniced like you as my small pharmacy does not have my psych med's in stock. I was really lucky,though, as they did have enough for a couple of days until the rest came in.
I took it to mean for me that I really don't want to be taking any damn medications anymore. Sick of it all, but that is me. Without some of my med's I would be seriously physically ill. So, I bite the bullet. No Parnate starting tomorrow, and I am scard to death. My doctor wanted to put me on Respirdal and a mood stabilizer too, and probably I should have, but then I would be going off of them now too. Take care. I actually have some left over seroquel. Wish I could send it over the Internet.
OzLand
Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2007, at 22:02:02
In reply to How I am » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 30, 2007, at 19:54:04
Lurpsie two things I is there another pharmacy in the area? I'm sure they would give you the pills to tide you over til the others come in hubby home? Second call the pdoc possibly he has some samples or some he took away from a patient . Mine had xanax one time from another patient. I refused but I had my own. This is different also the hospital must have a pharmacy your pdoc could call for the pills to tide you over. Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 31, 2007, at 5:59:35
In reply to Re: How I am » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2007, at 22:02:02
There are plenty of pharmacies in my area. I just prefer the little mom and pop one within biking distance. There's a major chain just down the road, but I don't like driving much, and this one is right off of a rotary and gets crazy traffic jams and things.
Mostly I just don't give a damn about trying to maintain any kind of consistent marinade for my brain. Everyday I have new side effects. Last night a migraine, today tremors, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, dizziness, hypotension, I just give up. I'm going to wait until the side effects kind of calm down and then reevaluate.
In the meanwhile I think I can count on my therapist to give me a little attention, since that's his job. I can whine about how crappy I'm feeling and about other things, like my applications to jobs, which I'm starting to do now.
And one of these days... I'll have to start talking about how these things impact me emotionally. right now my emotions are dry as a bone. cold. hardened.
-Ll
Posted by OzLand on July 31, 2007, at 22:31:57
In reply to Re: How I am » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 31, 2007, at 5:59:35
lurpsie
Do you really believe yourself that your emotions are dry as a bone, cold, hardened.
I hardly think so from what you have been posting over the past month. You can say it is all side effects from the med's but I hardly think so. Sounds to me as if your emotions have been all over the map. Sorry; I don't mean to offend; I just see things differently from what and how you post.
OzLand
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 1, 2007, at 11:04:29
In reply to Re: How I am » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on July 31, 2007, at 22:31:57
> lurpsie
>
> Do you really believe yourself that your emotions are dry as a bone, cold, hardened.I have MOODS, but not emotions. Does that make any sense? I feel clouds and waves of happiness or depression, but nothing that seems caused by a real life or mental stimulus. And I can't seem to feel love, or hate or any of those emotions. no, I'm not cold, on average, but very guarded to the point of being emotionally constipated.
>
> I hardly think so from what you have been posting over the past month. You can say it is all side effects from the med's but I hardly think so. Sounds to me as if your emotions have been all over the map. Sorry; I don't mean to offend; I just see things differently from what and how you post.
>
> OzLandno, not offended at all. I am losing perspective on how this feels. When I'm feeling barely okay I forget how easy it is to slip again. When I am feeling good, I forget how dangerous my intentions were mere hours ago. Lacking the context of the mood, I forget, deny, protect myself. I want to put this whole thing behind me.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on August 1, 2007, at 11:37:28
In reply to Re: How I am » OzLand, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 1, 2007, at 11:04:29
Lurpsie you feel like I do kind of emotionless like who cares and then all of a sudden it's like I have to care I'm not normal if I don't. But I'm missing those waves of happiness. What causes them ? Can you make them happen? Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 1, 2007, at 12:22:02
In reply to Re: How I am » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on August 1, 2007, at 11:37:28
> Lurpsie you feel like I do kind of emotionless like who cares and then all of a sudden it's like I have to care I'm not normal if I don't. But I'm missing those waves of happiness. What causes them ? Can you make them happen? Love Phillipa
hi Phillipa,
i feel like the geodon was keeping me pretty flat for a long time. Flat is not a bad thing, given how frantic I was when I was writing my dissertation. These days, though, I need to actually have more feelings. Waves of happiness- I found that the antidepressants help these a lot. So does doing positive things with one's life. Like when my T suggests that I do something and that it pays off- I feel satisfaction and happiness. exercise gives many people a boost of happiness. and don't underestimate the effect of socializing with friends.-Ll
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