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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
I don't know if I am to see my T on Monday or not, don't know because although my calaendar says I have an appointment, the receptionist didn't make the reminder call she always does. So now I wonder, and if I had thought about it before 4:00 on Friday I would have called. So I am worried. Not vomit and cry kind of worrying, but anxious, yes, that's the word, anxious.
It astonishes me. I've been feeling like a more or less normal person (or what I imagine a normal person feels like), and then yesterday and today, I have a bad case of crankiness. Everything pisses me off, if I am alone, I wonder where everyone is and why they aren't with me, if I am surrounded by people, I wish they'd all go away.
I feel mean. What's that from? Oh, "Harriet the Spy" But I do, I feel mean and angry. I want to bite, scratch, and break the dishes, but frankly I'm to tired to any such thing. I slept at least ten hours last night, then two hours this afternoon, and I'm about to go to bed now, and it's not yet 11.
My family is descending on my home in about a month, they'll stay at a neighbours who will be away and have left their four bedroom house at our disposal, so it really could be much worse. But I am anxious about that. My "best" friend is arrives for a visit tomorrow and I'am afraid we've changed too mcuh to still be such close friends. A young Peruvian woman whom I met at work called me and asked for help because the family she's a nanny for let her go with no notice. She'll come tomorrow and I'll try to help her find a new place in a family, if not, she'll have to stay here for a while.
This is not depression, maybe it's stress, but man, I'm cranky and tired. And if I don't in fact have an appointment to see my T on Monday, I'll be even crankier.
Up until now, I've been ok with not having seen him for ... I guess it's been three weeks. But right now, I miss him. I really miss him. I want to sit down with my husband and tell him, talk to him about what I feel and see if he can help me through it, but I feel that's a burden to him, that it tires him, and maybe he resents it. He seems always ready to help me in the way he feels comfortable with, but the things I need to talk through with him aren't always in his comfort zone, nor is he aware of how to talk about them. So I feel like I need my T right now.
Sigh. I'm going to bed now. I can only hope this slothful crankiness fades soon.
Thanks for listening.
ShortE
Posted by Poet on September 11, 2005, at 1:56:34
In reply to Appointment on Monday?, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
Hi ShortE,
I don't know what a normal person feels like, but if I had an appointment on my calendar I would show up and assume the receptionist forgot about me. Keep in mind I think I am completely worth forgetting...
I can barely stand any of my family for a few hours. Most live 20 minutes away and I avoid them. I hope yours are comfortable at the neighbor's house and leave you some peace.
Could you call your T's office Monday and confirm? You sound like you really need to see him, and even if (WORSE CASE SCENERIO) they screwed up, they could squeeze you in? Damn, I better go to bed, too. It's 2 a.m.
I hope you slept well.
Poet
Posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 6:12:32
In reply to Appointment on Monday?, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
I agree with poet, i'd call monday and confirm. i dont' know about others, but if i had all of those ppl descending on me, i'd be cranki too, sounds like you are very giving. is it possible you overextend yourself, and have trouble saying no to people? just a thought.
fw
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2005, at 8:05:11
In reply to Appointment on Monday?, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
Husbands make rotten therapists. And it never helps me, anyway, to try to turn my husband into my therapist even when my therapist isn't available. He just gets upset and makes things worse.
Therapists are a relationship all to themselves. That's why I can't quite figure out why you're supposed to quit, or what you're supposed to substitute for that unique relationship once you've experienced it.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 11, 2005, at 9:34:33
In reply to Appointment on Monday?, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
Hi ShortE,
I've had moods like that, and the concept of all those folks coming to visit wouldn't help, if it were me. I'm glad they are staying at the neighbor's house, though.I'm with the others, in that I would call to confirm. Maybe the person who makes the calls was out sick?
And you know, lately I've been comparing my hubby to my T. At some point, I'm not going to have my T to be the main source of support and to provide me with the unconditional positive regard, comfort, and reassurance. So I've been trying a tiny bit to share how I'm feeling with my hubby. And surprise surprise, he's been helpful and supportive most of the time. I think it also helps him to "get it", versus making the assumptions he does that are less flattering to me (i.e. she's lazy, she doesn't care, she doesn't want to spend time with me, etc.)
I know not every SO will be supportive, but in my case, it's been a very good thing, and it's brought us closer. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that he's started therapy.
I hope tomorrow goes well.
gg
Posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 10:41:36
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by gardenergirl on September 11, 2005, at 9:34:33
I am the QUEEN. Mebbe its hormones. I've exlained pms to my 9 yr old boy. Its good for him to know. I agree with what the others said. I hope you can see your T. and try to defuse stuff some.
You sure described it well. Slothful crankiness. Excellent description. Take care.
Posted by 10derHeart on September 11, 2005, at 12:36:45
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on September 11, 2005, at 8:05:11
>> That's why I can't quite figure out why you're supposed to quit, or what you're supposed to substitute for that unique relationship once you've experienced it.
I couldn't possibly have said that better myself.
It seems sometimes like the ultimate, unanswerable question, even though T's make some (weak) attempts to answer it.
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2005, at 15:24:21
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on September 11, 2005, at 12:36:45
I'm lucky that my therapist believes that some people, myself included, benefit from ungoing therapeutic support. Whew.
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:08:49
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by Poet on September 11, 2005, at 1:56:34
My family lives two thousand miles away. It's no coincidence. My husband (we talked) thinks the worm of family anxiety has already invaded, but they won't be here for another month, so I don't think that's the cause of this intense crankiness. And after all this therapy, so much of it focussed on my relationship with my family, I'd better be able to handle them for a few days dammit!!
I don't think they'd "squeeze" me in. I don't think he would do that for me at this point in our relationship unless I were in dire straits, which I am not, honestly. He would have done it a few years ago, but not now. And it's ok. I know he doesn't love me.
Yes, I will confirm tomorrow morning. I'll be so so sad if I am not to see him tomorrow.
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:11:43
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 6:12:32
I wonder if I do overextend myself. I have just taken in a Peruvian girl who was "let go" by the family she was a nanny for. But I had to. She was alone, allowed to stay in their house for another ten days, but they don't want her there - too ugly for me not to invite her to stay here where we are friendly, happy and respect one another.
I just don't know.
Shorte
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:15:22
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on September 11, 2005, at 8:05:11
I know you're right.
Now, logically, if husbands make terrrible therapists, doesn't that mean therapists make terrible husbands?
:-)
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:20:33
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by gardenergirl on September 11, 2005, at 9:34:33
Honestly, my husband is supportive. But sometimes I need help drawing out what is bothering me, and he can't help me with that. He doesn't understand about threads that start in one place lead to others. He's too pragmatic.
As you may have read, as of tomorrro, we have a Peruvian living with us. She needs lots of love an support, and I can help with that too, but I have to help her find something to keep her busy. I wonder how she likes raking leaves.
My nieghbours are a blessing. I look after their cat when they travel, and they ... let my family stay in their very beautiful home!!
Thanks
ShortE
Posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 23:21:54
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » fairywings, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:11:43
i hope this comes out the right way shortE, i really mean to be helpful, and not add to your stress, but why you specifically instead of someone else, do you know her in some way? i used to extend myself because i thought it was "expected" of me, by whom i didn't know, but i quit because i was stressing myself out, and not pleasing whoever it was i thought i was supposed to be pleasing! ; ) and i never did figure out who that was..... confusing, me too. i'm not stress free, just extended myself in other ways, like having more kids. LOL
So, my question is, ....is there a reason why you extend yourself when you have so much going on and are feeling pretty stressed out? i'm not trying to pick on you, i'm just wondering if you've asked yourself these questions? it is the question i asked myself when i used to do it. i hope that didn't sound rude, i didn't mean it to!
fw
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:22:19
In reply to Cranky queen, thats me!, posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 10:41:36
Well, I am on HRt for menopause. I am one great big, festering hormone. I guess I could blame it on that.
Thanks, muffled.
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:27:15
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Shortelise, posted by fairywings on September 11, 2005, at 23:21:54
I understand perfectly, and I take no offense.
Me because there is no one else. I can't leave anyone in a postion like that. If I had ten people stayign here, I'd take her in. I will absoultely talk with me T about it tomorrow, and I will take your point about it.
My point is, I guess, that she is all alone here, has been here only a month, has been abused by this family, and has no resources. She is no one to me, I met here while I was working for a friend in her shop. I've seen her papaers, know she is here legally, have talked to her Mom on the telephone, and - you know how your intuition tells you things? I know she's a good 'un. And is she ever beautiful. Pure Inca.
What do you think?
Posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 23:33:13
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » fairywings, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:27:15
Posted by daisym on September 11, 2005, at 23:46:09
In reply to Appointment on Monday?, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
I hope it fades soon too...but crankiness is allowed. It is a mood, like happy and peaceful, and sometimes we can't be sure what triggers it. You might be getting sick, who knows?
I hope you have an appointment. I'd be so disappointed to expect it and not have it. Calling seems the right thing to do in the AM.
I have to wonder (I'm sure you've thought of this) if your anxiety isn't due to getting ready to see your therapist. I know that when I have a lot to say, I often get anxious about there not being enough time, or it being painful, or him having an off day. Like, I really NEED him to understand me, and what if he doesn't? I get anxious about having a bad session, even as much as I can't wait to see him and sort stuff out.
And of course I'll encourage you to watch the basics: limit your caffeine and sugar, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, take a walk and rest your mind.
Good luck tomorrow.
Daisy
Posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 6:39:33
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » fairywings, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:27:15
I thing you're a kind, generous person, and i think, from what you've said, i'd do the same thing. very sad that she was abused by the people she was entrusted to over here.
fw
Posted by Shortelise on September 13, 2005, at 2:11:53
In reply to Appointment on Monday?, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 1:17:56
I went and it went well, but tonight I want to curl up and suck my thumb. I feel so ... like, I am grown up, and I don't want to be.
One of the tempting things about madness is the letting go. It's like suicide without death. I keep having really self-destructive feelings, not strong enough to act on but strong enough to wonder about. And I don't talk to my T about them, I haven't talked to him, because ... I don't know why they're so strong - am I seeking attention? So I hesitate to talk about it, I forget to. Am I setting the bar too high for myself and because of that, failing myself in some way? I suppose I am able to figure these things out for myself, but I feel like ... I want to let go, just let go.
It's late and I need to sleep. That will help.
THanks, and sorry for the angst.
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on September 13, 2005, at 2:12:56
In reply to I think your wonderful! (nm) » Shortelise, posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 23:33:13
Posted by Dinah on September 13, 2005, at 4:31:47
In reply to Re: Appointment on Monday? » Dinah, posted by Shortelise on September 11, 2005, at 23:15:22
But I rather suspect *my* therapist would make a rotten husband. And *my* husband would make a rotten therapist. At least in part because he loves me.
I try to keep that in mind when I'm feeling unloved by my therapist.
Posted by daisym on September 13, 2005, at 11:53:16
In reply to Yes, I had an appt - careful, may trigger, posted by Shortelise on September 13, 2005, at 2:11:53
I told FallsFall yesterday that I want to write a book called "Hiding under the sofa" because that is exactly what I want to do these days. I want to take my blankie and my elephant and curl up really small. Too much everything.
I think I understand about not sharing those thoughts. I wonder the exact same thing - is this about getting attention and meeting a need that isn't being acknowledged? -- I'm not sure though. Isn't it OK to respond to things being overwhelming with escape fantasies, even dark ones?
I'm glad you had your appointment and it went well. If things get more serious you know you have to call and tell him...right?
I hope sleeping helped. Garden today. I know that is calming for you. The grape vines are just beginning to turn here and it was cold last night - 45 - I like this time of year.
Posted by Annierose on September 13, 2005, at 12:42:16
In reply to Re: Yes, I had an appt - careful, may trigger » Shortelise, posted by daisym on September 13, 2005, at 11:53:16
My husband always says the world would be a better place if everyone still had their blankie!
Posted by Shortelise on September 14, 2005, at 1:16:51
In reply to Re: Yes, I had an appt - careful, may trigger » Shortelise, posted by daisym on September 13, 2005, at 11:53:16
Yesterday was my T's last day at his old office, and I brought my pillow home as he was on foot and had already moved all his records. Today, when I was sitting on my couch, I held it. I guess I'll bring it to bed with me tonight, though it's a little scratchy.
Thanks. Yes, I know I can call my T. I am so tired.
ShortE
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