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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:06:46
Dear Clinic 5 Staff:
I'm so sorry, I couldn't be here with you today.
I know you're wanting to say good-bye to me in a good way,
to celebrate a year's worth of experience with me as your Clerk,
and thank you so much, guys. You're all awesome, and I loved working with you, because although we all really Do have our ins and outs, things happen that trigger certain responses in all of us, due to who we are, and I have learned so Very Much about life, and living, and what friends mean to a person. I personally think of each one of you as a friend. But sometimes, some of us are different. I'm one of those people, I'm a Different one. And I get really, really sad sometimes. I think of everything I've done wrong, and everything I Am doing Wrong, in my life.
I look at pictures of happy people, and all I can see is how I want to be Just Like Them.
I look at doctors who take a Lot of Vacations in the Sun, the lovely sun, which I miss so much. And they can do it.
And so can I, but right now, and for several years now, I don't have the Brain to Get it Together. So I suffer and it's sometimes embarrassing, you know, to feel this stupid way. But it's all I know how to do.
I worry about my kids, about my daugher, who spends too much time being angry with me, and dresses in ways that truly frighten me. I think about my youngest son, who is doing so poorly in school but who is really Bright, but spends way too much time in front of his laptop, or the televesion, or sometimes both, or playing Wii .. and not being outdoors, not being involved in any activities at all, really. And I cry so much some days, it's hard to keep it together at work. But you guys have been fairly sensitive, and intelligent enough to understand, I think. I don't know. All I know is, I feel like I'm leaving a big mess of emotions behind, which is why I couldn't be here tonight celebrating with you all and saying good-bye to everyone, because I would just be crying the whole damn time, and everyone would be talking about their fabulous life, and I'm sitting there suffocating from all kinds of things, and not knowing how to tell my brain to STOP IT, to just f*ck*ng shut the hell up and leave me alone.
I think a coma would be blissfully reassuring right now. Or a lobotomy. But then, that would be the end of any hope at all. And as long as I have someplace to go, someplace to vent it, all is not lost.
Sometimes, some of us have a history of mental illness.
I cannot deny it. I wish I could. I want to be healthy, I want to be well. I want to feel laughter and sunshine, and Hope for the future, for my children's future, for the future of all of us.
Thanks, everyone, for being so wonderful to work with. Really.
I cannot be here tonight because I would be crying the whole damn time, thinking How do I function like you do? HOW? What is the secret to peace, what is the secret to love and loving well, because it seems I have always done it so badly, and I don't know how to do Life Love, you know, the being in Love with life. Although I can see it, truly I can see glimmers of it in the photos of other people and other places. In the silence of an ocean shimmer, that is where I see peace.
Thanks, guys. You've put up with me at my very worst times, and I've let myself down more than you'll know. But I really have a special place for all of you, see you soon.
Posted by ClearSkies on March 5, 2008, at 12:29:04
In reply to God Doesn't Care About ME, posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:06:46
Posted by susan47 on March 7, 2008, at 23:11:18
In reply to God Doesn't Care About ME, posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:06:46
Thanks for the hug, Clearskies, thank you.
I do a lot of thinking out loud, here. A lot of the thinking is very flawed, and I know that. I know a lot of stuff about myself that I'm just starting to admit, starting to see and understand why I am the me that I am. I can see a lot of stuff buried deep, and reasons why I've done the things I have, felt and behaved in ways that have hurt me and my children deeply. Scarred them, scarred myself, and then I spent years in drug abuse trying to forget all of it, forget all of my miserable existence and make a new one.
Strangely, sadly, I miss the person I was. I miss the facade I used to have. I miss the innocence (strange as this seems) of not knowing how deeply flawed and dysfunctional I really was, but then I do remember also how the ignorance of my difference embarrassed me, how at times I was out of synch with others. Terribly so, so out of synch with the real world that I wrapped myself in cotton wool, in isolation, sadness, loneliness and ultimately, depression, which is so deep, along with the possible drug damage, both legal and illegal .. but I cannot think that way, I need to learn how to pray, dear Lord, dear God please show me how to pray so that you will listen, and answer my prayers. Please. Show me the way to happiness, peace and contentment, to helping others find their way and helping people to raise healthy children. Psychically, psychologically healthy children. There can be nothing more important .. if we had time.
If only we had the time, if only we could change more quickly, to keep this Earth. But then, I don't know what earth is, anymore. I don't know how real earth really is. Or my life. Or anything.
There was article in the paper this week, or was it last, about depression. About how anti-depressants can actually harm my brain, can make me feel deadened to life, and certainly, I can feel that too, in between the hopelessness and the panic, the despair over myself, over what I am. God, I wish to love myself. I wish to love life. Please, God, let me love life. I want to love life. Please, God, release me from my eternal feelings of disease and panic, please release me from despair.
Posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:52:20
In reply to Hi. » susan47, posted by susan47 on March 7, 2008, at 23:11:18
It feels like You do. I think after the miracles of this day, of every day which follows my prayers and the prayers of those who truly love and care about me, and those whom I love and care about also, and God how I wish you all knew, my friends the people I spend my time with my family, my counsellors and my mates in Hell, in the daily hell of drug addiction and withdrawal, the hell of knowing I have only myself to rely upon for the next good feeling, the reaching for the Truth in all of it. The truth which has brought me here, the truth which led me in all my stoned moments, in all my moments of clarity both stoned and un-stoned .. oh to be unstoned and all right. All Right. Like that, like everything is all right with the world, with myself, with my loved ones, with my pocketbook .. the money I have burned through in all my addictions, my vitamin therapies and my health supplements and my amino acids, my beauty (!) creams, my desire to be Well in appearance at least, at least if I am to be so deeply flawed perhaps my appearance could fool myself .. I could look into the mirror and see Somebody.
Thank You, for loving me, I think you must truly and deeply love me, or somebody, and I think maybe if I can get this good feeling with my DOC, then I would be so much better.
Please God, let me be better. Thank you, thank you forever .. I love you.
Posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:52:29
In reply to Hi. » susan47, posted by susan47 on March 7, 2008, at 23:11:18
It feels like You do. I think after the miracles of this day, of every day which follows my prayers and the prayers of those who truly love and care about me, and those whom I love and care about also, and God how I wish you all knew, my friends the people I spend my time with my family, my counsellors and my mates in Hell, in the daily hell of drug addiction and withdrawal, the hell of knowing I have only myself to rely upon for the next good feeling, the reaching for the Truth in all of it. The truth which has brought me here, the truth which led me in all my stoned moments, in all my moments of clarity both stoned and un-stoned .. oh to be unstoned and all right. All Right. Like that, like everything is all right with the world, with myself, with my loved ones, with my pocketbook .. the money I have burned through in all my addictions, my vitamin therapies and my health supplements and my amino acids, my beauty (!) creams, my desire to be Well in appearance at least, at least if I am to be so deeply flawed perhaps my appearance could fool myself .. I could look into the mirror and see Somebody.
Thank You, for loving me, I think you must truly and deeply love me, or somebody, and I think maybe if I can get this good feeling with my DOC, then I would be so much better.
Please God, let me be better. Thank you, thank you forever .. I love you.
Posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:58:14
In reply to Do You love me?, posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:52:29
It feels like You do. I think after the miracles of this day, of every day which follows my prayers and the prayers of those who truly love and care about me, and those whom I love and care about also, and God how I wish you all knew, my friends the people I spend my time with my family, my counsellors and my mates in Hell, in the daily hell of drug addiction and withdrawal, the hell of knowing I have only myself to rely upon for the next good feeling, the reaching for the Truth in all of it. The truth which has brought me here, the truth which led me in all my stoned moments, in all my moments of clarity both stoned and un-stoned .. oh to be unstoned and all right. All Right. Like that, like everything is all right with the world, with myself, with my loved ones, with my pocketbook .. the money I have burned through in all my addictions, my vitamin therapies and my health supplements and my amino acids, my beauty (!) creams, my desire to be Well in appearance at least, at least if I am to be so deeply flawed perhaps my appearance could fool myself .. I could look into the mirror and see Somebody.
Thank You, for loving me, I think you must truly and deeply love me, or somebody, and I think maybe if I can get this good feeling without my DOC, then I would be so much better.
Please God, let me be better. Thank you, thank you forever .. I love you.
Posted by B2chica on March 14, 2008, at 15:10:43
In reply to Re: Do You love me?, posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:58:14
Posted by susan47 on March 14, 2008, at 17:55:23
In reply to Re: Do You love me?, posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:58:14
Posted by susan47 on April 7, 2008, at 12:54:02
In reply to Do You love me?, posted by susan47 on March 13, 2008, at 0:52:29
The Beatles, Here Comes the Sun,
I say how much this song gives me a feeling of hope,
wellbeing, away from my constant depression,
this song could help me give up the drug,
I can be whole with this song, somehow.
And it plays over and over again on the stereo,
I in the shower,
11 year-old hands and feet employed in the running back and forth,
to play Track 8 over and over and over again
my heart breaking in the awareness of what is happening
in such a small, vulnerable, loving being
my son.
God, how I love you.
I am so grateful for the compassionate gift you are.
Thank you.
I love you, forever. Always.
There is never an end to the love I have for you.
Thank you so much for being with me in this walk of life.
God, thank you.
Posted by susan47 on May 6, 2008, at 20:33:39
In reply to Hi. » susan47, posted by susan47 on March 7, 2008, at 23:11:18
This is not Writing, so don't be disappointed. Whoever reads. If anyone ever reads. The world is so freaking LONELY these days, I smoke endlessly, endless amounts of pot, of marihuana, and I feel so bad for doing this, and I can Feel, I can actually feel the brain dehydration, the excess of drug side effects hurting me physically.
And it's time to do a Journey Process, and I HAVE to remember that this is important, I have to give the rest of it to Kathi to enjoy, because she will do that, and maybe she will also stop doing pot eventually, and I know she will cut down a bit if I do, I think she will, and I know it's s depressant and I know it hurts my mind and I know I've totally f*ck*d with my brain chemicals, and I know, yes, I also know that I'm a borderline personality, and I have issues with having ADD and Depression, which could actually cycle between Manic, so that means bipolar too, add that into the mix. And my grandmother had Alzheimer's, and she had a sad life, and I look like her, hahaha, but I don't want to be depressed like she was. So the only thing I can do, that I HAVE to do, is give the rest to Kathi and say, I have to do this. I have to rescue myself, I have to save my life. And this is the only way to do it. I have to see the doctor, and keep taking walks, long ones, with my backpack downtown, and I have to do other things too, like look at people, and read books, and try to be relaxed, try to relax and forget the old me, and be a new me. And somehow, I have to find a way to God, to Love, to my own heart.
I canNOT be afraid anymore. I can no longer allow myself the language of fear. I have to learn the language of Love.
Posted by susan47 on August 12, 2008, at 20:25:31
In reply to Addiction, posted by susan47 on May 6, 2008, at 20:33:39
False Evidence Appearing Real
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
REAL FEAR
Real
Raise Expectations Around Love
Raise
Expectations
Around
Love
RealJust something to think about, or not. Ponder or no. Doesn't matter, none of matters, We're all just Ashes to ashes and dust to dust anyway, anyhow. It doesn't matter, none of it is real.
Real.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Writing | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Script revised: February 4, 2008
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