Posted by susan47 on March 7, 2008, at 23:11:18
In reply to God Doesn't Care About ME, posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:06:46
Thanks for the hug, Clearskies, thank you.
I do a lot of thinking out loud, here. A lot of the thinking is very flawed, and I know that. I know a lot of stuff about myself that I'm just starting to admit, starting to see and understand why I am the me that I am. I can see a lot of stuff buried deep, and reasons why I've done the things I have, felt and behaved in ways that have hurt me and my children deeply. Scarred them, scarred myself, and then I spent years in drug abuse trying to forget all of it, forget all of my miserable existence and make a new one.
Strangely, sadly, I miss the person I was. I miss the facade I used to have. I miss the innocence (strange as this seems) of not knowing how deeply flawed and dysfunctional I really was, but then I do remember also how the ignorance of my difference embarrassed me, how at times I was out of synch with others. Terribly so, so out of synch with the real world that I wrapped myself in cotton wool, in isolation, sadness, loneliness and ultimately, depression, which is so deep, along with the possible drug damage, both legal and illegal .. but I cannot think that way, I need to learn how to pray, dear Lord, dear God please show me how to pray so that you will listen, and answer my prayers. Please. Show me the way to happiness, peace and contentment, to helping others find their way and helping people to raise healthy children. Psychically, psychologically healthy children. There can be nothing more important .. if we had time.
If only we had the time, if only we could change more quickly, to keep this Earth. But then, I don't know what earth is, anymore. I don't know how real earth really is. Or my life. Or anything.
There was article in the paper this week, or was it last, about depression. About how anti-depressants can actually harm my brain, can make me feel deadened to life, and certainly, I can feel that too, in between the hopelessness and the panic, the despair over myself, over what I am. God, I wish to love myself. I wish to love life. Please, God, let me love life. I want to love life. Please, God, release me from my eternal feelings of disease and panic, please release me from despair.
poster:susan47
thread:816223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/816802.html