Posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:06:46
Dear Clinic 5 Staff:
I'm so sorry, I couldn't be here with you today.
I know you're wanting to say good-bye to me in a good way,
to celebrate a year's worth of experience with me as your Clerk,
and thank you so much, guys. You're all awesome, and I loved working with you, because although we all really Do have our ins and outs, things happen that trigger certain responses in all of us, due to who we are, and I have learned so Very Much about life, and living, and what friends mean to a person. I personally think of each one of you as a friend. But sometimes, some of us are different. I'm one of those people, I'm a Different one. And I get really, really sad sometimes. I think of everything I've done wrong, and everything I Am doing Wrong, in my life.
I look at pictures of happy people, and all I can see is how I want to be Just Like Them.
I look at doctors who take a Lot of Vacations in the Sun, the lovely sun, which I miss so much. And they can do it.
And so can I, but right now, and for several years now, I don't have the Brain to Get it Together. So I suffer and it's sometimes embarrassing, you know, to feel this stupid way. But it's all I know how to do.
I worry about my kids, about my daugher, who spends too much time being angry with me, and dresses in ways that truly frighten me. I think about my youngest son, who is doing so poorly in school but who is really Bright, but spends way too much time in front of his laptop, or the televesion, or sometimes both, or playing Wii .. and not being outdoors, not being involved in any activities at all, really. And I cry so much some days, it's hard to keep it together at work. But you guys have been fairly sensitive, and intelligent enough to understand, I think. I don't know. All I know is, I feel like I'm leaving a big mess of emotions behind, which is why I couldn't be here tonight celebrating with you all and saying good-bye to everyone, because I would just be crying the whole damn time, and everyone would be talking about their fabulous life, and I'm sitting there suffocating from all kinds of things, and not knowing how to tell my brain to STOP IT, to just f*ck*ng shut the hell up and leave me alone.
I think a coma would be blissfully reassuring right now. Or a lobotomy. But then, that would be the end of any hope at all. And as long as I have someplace to go, someplace to vent it, all is not lost.
Sometimes, some of us have a history of mental illness.
I cannot deny it. I wish I could. I want to be healthy, I want to be well. I want to feel laughter and sunshine, and Hope for the future, for my children's future, for the future of all of us.
Thanks, everyone, for being so wonderful to work with. Really.
I cannot be here tonight because I would be crying the whole damn time, thinking How do I function like you do? HOW? What is the secret to peace, what is the secret to love and loving well, because it seems I have always done it so badly, and I don't know how to do Life Love, you know, the being in Love with life. Although I can see it, truly I can see glimmers of it in the photos of other people and other places. In the silence of an ocean shimmer, that is where I see peace.
Thanks, guys. You've put up with me at my very worst times, and I've let myself down more than you'll know. But I really have a special place for all of you, see you soon.
poster:susan47
thread:816223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/816223.html