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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:11:06
i think
i think i feel sad
and faint
like a shaddow
'cept i don't think shaddows feel embarrased...people listen more to guys 'cause they have deeper voices. empirical fact. have to learn to be more assertive... no excuse though.
feel like i've gone from being a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a big pond. don't feel like i know what peoples are talking about mostly... haven't read what they have... haven't studied what they have... i feel stupid. and i don't have much to say. and when i do... people listen more to guys 'cause they have deeper voices.
but thats probably just an excuse... lack of assertiveness etc. don't feel very self confident. questioning myself a lot.
meant to get better... second half of the year. but right now... i feel stupid and i just want to curl up a lot of the time. go all quiet and resign myself to being thought of as: a stupid one :-(
it is hard :-(
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:24:27
In reply to sad, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:11:06
sh*t.
i shouldn't post this sh*t :-(i'm just feeling sad a lot.
and not feeling like i'm fitting in very well.
but then i've known for a while that i don't really fit in very well... but it seems worse here for some reason. maybe 'cause there is a lot of people... and they tend to hang out together. and i feel like the only outlier... only i know objectively i am not. maybe it is more about being respected. being taken seriously. hard to feel that is happening when people talk over you... hard to get people listening when i'm really not very confident...and i do feel ignorant much of the time... not so sure what people are talking about. not so sure what their points are... not so familiar with the terminology and issues etc. and trying to figure out what i am supposed to be up to... it is hard.
need to get into something seriously. need to get writing. but i don't feel like i know anything about anything... i'm starting to feel like i just want to curl up in my room again. and yeah so maybe this is just an excuse... but i think you have to be particularly pushy to be listened to as a female... and i'm not particularly pushy... because i'm not at all confident. and i feel too stupid to ask what occurs to me. and i feel like most of what people say... is evaluated... and people are either 'very smart' or... with holding of that is the same as a negative evaluation really...
it isn't so much that it is clicky... or maybe it is. i don't know. i don't think it is that. it is just that it is a little hard to break into the circle. and to be fair... it is hard for people to talk to me when i don't know what to say to them. people are fairly nice if someone does say something stupid... try and turn it into something substantial... but fear of stupidity... it is getting to me big time :-(
and i don't know about reassurances...
i need to write. because i'm no good irl. i'm no good in real time. i'm not :-( so it is going to be so very much harder for me :-(
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:28:49
In reply to Re: sad, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:24:27
and i know people wouldn't agree with this...
but question time is an art. the difference between 'i don't really know very much about this but i was thinking that xxx' and 'well it is just obvious that xxx'.
the tone...
so long as you have been proclaimed 'smart' (which to be fair comes of your saying the odd smart thing) then you will be listened to charitably
compared with people who are unknown. and / or people who are reserved / humble in their bearing (or maybe i'm thinking of self-depreciating really)... aren't really listened to...
but there is an art... how well you conduct yourself in real time. how confident you come across as being. your ability to face a fatal criticism and take it on board and not back down (how to do that? how to do that?).
compared with being lost for words...
or not taking the point...
or blundering on...
:-(
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 5:02:37
In reply to Re: sad, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:28:49
okay so it ain't that bad... i'm just recovering from being sick... or fighting it off more to the point. not that surprising... last couple of months have been fairly stressful. lots of change and i don't cope so well with change.
i think it is about... just getting on with what i am doing. i think i do know what i'm supposed to be doing... just getting on with it. and re other people... just being happy enough. if they are in pairs or whatever... i'm okay. just be okay by myself and other people will approach me... just be okay. 'cause i guess i'm like that fairly much. fairly... inconspicuous or something. always have been like that. i approach people and if they are involved in a conversation or something they don't notice me. not until i really have made friends. just keep on... and try and get some boundaries going on. re drinking and stuff. not just going along with the flow... and not panicking if i don't feel part of it. not panicking. i guess it is just because i care. need to have some faith in my abilities too. hard to do that when i'm not too sure what is going on... but my peoples... the ones i'm (hopefully) going to be fitting in with... don't arrive till later in the year. so just make the most of now... get on with preparing for next semester. try and write stuff and request meetings. it is easier to say 'i'm not sure what you are on about can you explain that to me' when other people are saying the same about my stuff lol. but need to get writing so as to get teh ball rolling... otherwise people don't know what to make of me. and i don't have the connections other people do etc.
hrm.
i'll be okay. i'm sure. just need to spend more time by myself and get into it.
pretty freaky...
a bit sad... but period etc. and if i think too much about what i have to do over the next couple years... eep.
Posted by LegWarmers on March 21, 2006, at 11:22:55
In reply to Re: sad, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 5:02:37
It takes a long time to fit in, even when its easy to do so. You have been sick!! That will make anyone question themselves. And boy, do I ever relate to feeling stupid! Its not that you are stupid, and you know that... its that the people know differnet things than you and those are the things that are important right now.... which again, you probably knew that. So... hang in there. can you talk to someone about how lost you feel? It might be helpful to get that out in the open.
Its still so new and so early, it is. Don't beat yourself up so soon!!
Posted by LegWarmers on March 21, 2006, at 11:58:33
In reply to Re: sad, posted by LegWarmers on March 21, 2006, at 11:22:55
> And boy, do I ever relate to feeling stupid!
Its those lack of responses, or dismissal of what you said, or talking over you. Or just being ignored.
I don't think people get it sometimes, I think its their own stupidity that makes them do insensitive things! It makes them treat others like they are better, oh I don't know...Im going to shut up now.
Grrr
Posted by Damos on March 21, 2006, at 16:17:25
In reply to Re: sad, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 5:02:37
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, I really am. But I really want to say "Thank You" for these posts.
It's in a different context, but I've been struggling a bit lately too but not been able to make sense of why, and so much of it is here. So thank you. Sorry, I know that doesn't help you much, but maybe knowing how much you've just helped me might make things seem a little better.
Makes so much more sense now, and change and confidence and self belief and panic and being an outsider and not feeling safe or secure are big parts of it. And because those things are so much better in other parts of my life than they've ever been, maybe that's why it's been so unsettling, maybe.
It's hard sorry. But thank you so much.
Trust you, believe in you.
(((((special_k)))))
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 17:37:05
In reply to Re: sad, posted by LegWarmers on March 21, 2006, at 11:22:55
thanks. yeah, it takes a while to fit in... but then i see other people arriving at the same time (or a little before) and their reception is different... because one is very much into the stuff we are doing now, i guess. and he comes across as very confident. comes up with some great points. and some not so great points - but in virtue of the former... the latter isn't worried about too much. and the other... is into that. but moreover he is very charasmatic and friendly. so socially... he is doing better than usual i guess. i'll be okay. i will. just take some time etc.
i'm reassured by my being here for a while before... someone who was very respected said to me... 'i never ask questions in seminars - but sometimes i have a finger on a point' (something to add to a previous point). he said he never has a point of his own. his mind doesn't work that way. and... i think i'm a bit like that too. but then it is probably self confidence too. and when i get anxious i tend to prattle a bit... and be a bit slow on the uptake. so... better to shut up in front of big groups at this point... and just get used to talking to people more one on one and in small groups. i think it mostly is about confidence... and a bit about unfamiliar material. i'm sure it will get better. thank you.
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 17:38:32
In reply to Re: sad » special_k, posted by Damos on March 21, 2006, at 16:17:25
hey. yeah. think it might be fear of negative evaluation. especially when you care about the people who may be evaluating you.
typically... they don't evaluate us as negatively as we think they are... and / or they are prepared to revise their evaluation in light of new evidence. but hard to remember that... to remember that it isn't the end of the world.
Posted by special_k on March 22, 2006, at 0:30:16
In reply to Re: sad » Damos, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 17:38:32
yeah it is okay :-)
lets face it... everybody likes to talk about what they are doing and is happy if people show an interest :-) so... you just need to get people talking on that... and lets face it... if you don't understand or don't follow... they feel better about themselves for being so smart... and they feel like they have something worthwhile to say.
so... it is okay. just a bit daunting at times...
but one on one people are okay :-)
hrm.
feeling a lot better with that today.
i know what i'm doing...
i am enjoying it okay...
people are nice once you give them a chance...
it is okay.it is.
just a bit up and down i guess...
Posted by LegWarmers on March 22, 2006, at 10:52:30
In reply to Re: sad » LegWarmers, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 17:37:05
> thanks. yeah, it takes a while to fit in... but then i see other people arriving at the same time (or a little before) and their reception is different... because one is very much into the stuff we are doing now, i guess. and he comes across as very confident. comes up with some great points. and some not so great points - but in virtue of the former... the latter isn't worried about too much. and the other... is into that. but moreover he is very charasmatic and friendly. so socially... he is doing better than usual i guess. i'll be okay. i will. just take some time etc.
>
> i'm reassured by my being here for a while before... someone who was very respected said to me... 'i never ask questions in seminars - but sometimes i have a finger on a point' (something to add to a previous point). he said he never has a point of his own. his mind doesn't work that way. and... i think i'm a bit like that too. but then it is probably self confidence too. and when i get anxious i tend to prattle a bit... and be a bit slow on the uptake. so... better to shut up in front of big groups at this point... and just get used to talking to people more one on one and in small groups. i think it mostly is about confidence... and a bit about unfamiliar material. i'm sure it will get better. thank you.And when you get more comfortble with everyone you will become less anxious and more likely to speak with confidence and more often.
Posted by LegWarmers on March 22, 2006, at 10:54:50
In reply to Re: sad, posted by special_k on March 22, 2006, at 0:30:16
> yeah it is okay :-)
>
> lets face it... everybody likes to talk about what they are doing and is happy if people show an interest :-) so... you just need to get people talking on that... and lets face it... if you don't understand or don't follow... they feel better about themselves for being so smart... and they feel like they have something worthwhile to say.
>Exactly!
> so... it is okay. just a bit daunting at times...
>
> but one on one people are okay :-)good : )
>
> hrm.
>
> feeling a lot better with that today.
> i know what i'm doing...
> i am enjoying it okay...
> people are nice once you give them a chance...
> it is okay.
>
> it is.
>
> just a bit up and down i guess...
I hope it stays up for awhile... you just need to get more comfortable with the material and with what you want to do... and with being a little fish in a big pond.... thats no fun at first.(((special_k)))
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