Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:24:27
In reply to sad, posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 4:11:06
sh*t.
i shouldn't post this sh*t :-(i'm just feeling sad a lot.
and not feeling like i'm fitting in very well.
but then i've known for a while that i don't really fit in very well... but it seems worse here for some reason. maybe 'cause there is a lot of people... and they tend to hang out together. and i feel like the only outlier... only i know objectively i am not. maybe it is more about being respected. being taken seriously. hard to feel that is happening when people talk over you... hard to get people listening when i'm really not very confident...and i do feel ignorant much of the time... not so sure what people are talking about. not so sure what their points are... not so familiar with the terminology and issues etc. and trying to figure out what i am supposed to be up to... it is hard.
need to get into something seriously. need to get writing. but i don't feel like i know anything about anything... i'm starting to feel like i just want to curl up in my room again. and yeah so maybe this is just an excuse... but i think you have to be particularly pushy to be listened to as a female... and i'm not particularly pushy... because i'm not at all confident. and i feel too stupid to ask what occurs to me. and i feel like most of what people say... is evaluated... and people are either 'very smart' or... with holding of that is the same as a negative evaluation really...
it isn't so much that it is clicky... or maybe it is. i don't know. i don't think it is that. it is just that it is a little hard to break into the circle. and to be fair... it is hard for people to talk to me when i don't know what to say to them. people are fairly nice if someone does say something stupid... try and turn it into something substantial... but fear of stupidity... it is getting to me big time :-(
and i don't know about reassurances...
i need to write. because i'm no good irl. i'm no good in real time. i'm not :-( so it is going to be so very much harder for me :-(
poster:special_k
thread:622766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060125/msgs/622768.html