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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on October 3, 2005, at 21:32:36
In my never ending saga...
44 days of continuious sobriety. Helped with reaching out to my Womens' suport group (very good they reach right back!!).Have attempted going to many different AA meetings (the gazillionth time I've tried to listen and hear the message, to no avail.) Several months of name and phone numbers written down, not a single person called.
I'm 3/4 done with an inentensive outpatient progranne. I heard today that the insurance company considers that since I was well enough to take a vacation, last week then I am not now ill enough to continue to be covered for the remaining 2 weeks of treatment,
So the dillema is - do I drop the last 2 weeks of treatment since it will be at my cost? I say all the right words at our group sessions and make the correct suggestions. but I am troubled by the 12-step slant of the programme, They suggest that every one join a group, that everyone find a sponsor. At the beginning of the treatments I was very open in expressing my firmly held belief that the 12-step programme had been tried many times and in may places and forums and flavours and that it was ultimately deternmined that I do not belong in that recovery enironment. And have, in fact, have found the AA structure and Big Book cliches to be counter to my recovery and is responsible for many triggers that I'm highly aware of.
I am so fortunate to have developed a solid network of friends with whom I can call, visit, and meet with to share our sobrieties together, on a weekly basis, and in bewteen as we need to, to keep the group strong.
Yet the outpatient programme espouses the 12 step as being The Only Way to find and maintain your sobriety. Without the Prgramme, You Will Certainly Die.
I am at a crossroads where I don't feel I'm geting further development with the outpatient group. I've been offered a lower scale to pay privately for the remaining sessions. but I'm not sure that I need it. I mean, I have recently been through 2 litmous tests of travelling to foreign countries where I am unfamiliar with the languages spoken, and did not resort to drinking acohol to ease any discomfort I felt (which mustn't much).
Any ideas, my friends? I know it's early days in my recovery and at the same time I feel that I have a strong network of sober, completent women with whom I can and do keep daily contact with.
Thanks
ClearSkies
Posted by antigua on October 4, 2005, at 11:16:20
In reply to 44 days and wondering..., posted by ClearSkies on October 3, 2005, at 21:32:36
You sound strong and confident to me. I don't think you need to keep going if it's counterproductive and you have to pay. Just keep those lines of communication open with those who do help you.
best,
antigua
Posted by ClearSkies on October 4, 2005, at 11:37:08
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering... » ClearSkies, posted by antigua on October 4, 2005, at 11:16:20
Thanks, I think I needed to write it out in order to decide what to do!
My p-doc agrees that I needn't return to the IOP. It's very strange to rely more on my intuition. Kind of like being on a balance beam for the first time.
:-)
Posted by tizza on October 5, 2005, at 1:34:29
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering... » antigua, posted by ClearSkies on October 4, 2005, at 11:37:08
Well clear skies, I thought I was the only other one out there who couldn't stand AA. I tried it about 6 months ago and it just made me worse, it was one of the worst triggers for me personally. I know it helps millions of people out there but deep down I know it's not for me. I found my strength from inside myself, did it by myself with the help and support of family and friends. I'm 24 days sober now and feeling great. I'm learning my triggers and limits and the other day I went to the pub with some friends and had a coffee!!!!! It sounds like you are doing a great job keep it up, you sound like you have landed on your feet. I just wish I could find a support group where I live that doesn't involve AA or a 12 step program, just a normal bunch of people with the same problem who can get together and go out and have fun or hang out and watch movies instead of having to stand up and pour your heart out 3 to 5 times a week and get trapped into feeling that if you don't do this you will relapse. My pdoc thinks AA isn't very helpful for most people. I just found it soul destroying. I have even entered a few AA chat rooms to ask people if they have heard of other programs or ways of dealing with it and it's like they are all from mars and couldn't comprehend the fact that if you didn't go to AA you'll never stop. They were extremly rude to me so I apologised for wasting their time. It was like talking to a brick wall in there, anyway I have rambled enough. If I have any questions can I post to you, reguards Paul. The boy from the land of bouncing fluffy animals and loads of toxic reptiles and spiders. LOL
Posted by ClearSkies on October 5, 2005, at 5:57:20
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering... » ClearSkies, posted by tizza on October 5, 2005, at 1:34:29
> The boy from the land of bouncing fluffy animals and loads of toxic reptiles and spiders. LOL
Wow! Where would that be? We only have itty bitty lizards and alligators. Oh, and flamingos and manatees. (That would be Florida in the States.) Sounds like you're in Australia??
Keeping looking for non 12-step resources in your area... they are cropping up all over.
best wishes,
Nancy
Posted by verne on October 5, 2005, at 21:03:11
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering... » tizza, posted by ClearSkies on October 5, 2005, at 5:57:20
I'm really struggling to not drink - almost 80 days sober but I'm starting to crack. I messed around with some exotic herbs (legal pot alternatives like kratom) and made myself sick last weekend.
Yesterday I put a pot buy into motion that is becoming a little complicated. Now today I'm thinking about drinking to deal with the stress of buying weed. (I've only used a few times in the last 20 years)
Perhaps, I'll cancel the pot buy since it's creating so much anxiety. I thought I'd get a bunch of pot to help me stay off booze yet it's leading me back to it.
It's hard for me to let something go once it has a hold on me - once the neediness sets in. It's like I have to smoke pot. I can't recall the missiles, put the horse back in the barn, unring the bell - feel free to insert your own metaphor at this point.
Verne
Posted by tizza on October 5, 2005, at 23:33:40
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering... » tizza, posted by ClearSkies on October 5, 2005, at 5:57:20
Thanks clear skies. Yep in Melbourne Australia (3.4 million people) and you would think that it would be easy with that many people around. I must try a different google approach I think. There has to be something close by. And Verne, don't give in, I remember smoking pot made me really anxious and paranoid. If you already feel like this now imagine how much worse it would get if you smoked some. Just tell the inner demons to f*ck off. Sorry about the language but sometimes it's good to do this in the mirror. Good luck and don't cave in. Paul
Posted by verne on October 6, 2005, at 0:23:30
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering..., posted by tizza on October 5, 2005, at 23:33:40
Paul, I'll try that talking to the mirror. Sometimes just looking into the mirror "wakes" me up. Being borderline, I honestly forget who I am, I don't have a good grip, and my reflection has been enough to bring me back.
I agree with you about AA, it actually drove me to drink. I first found real freedom and peace from alcohol after a spiritual experience. At first I ascribed it to that particular church or denomination but soon realized the Spirit of Peace wasn't peculiar to any one religion.
I still don't believe in anything particular in my head, yet, nevertheless, something touched me, changed my heart, and I haven't been the same since. I still struggle but there's a deep abiding peace that remains unchanged - even when I fall.
Anyway, I gave up on formal church and AA but would like to find a 12 step group that is spiritual without being religious about it.
And one more thought. Talking and "philosophising" about my alcoholism has never helped me. I've had great gab sessions with like-minded people, we'd reason everything out and get it all under control; later, however, I would feel empty and more vulnerable than ever. So for me, "insight" isn't enough.
back to the mirror
verne
Posted by ClearSkies on October 6, 2005, at 4:54:39
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering..., posted by verne on October 6, 2005, at 0:23:30
Spinning within my own head is enough to let me rationalize that having a drink would make me feel SO much better.
Your point about the anxiety created by the pot buy process, and what it might lead to, is the key... My anxiety is minimal now that I am not drinking or smoking.I'm just a baby at this but it is helping me to think the whole drinkinging thing out to beyond the imagined relief I'd find. Guilt is a huge motivator for me to stay sober right now.
Whatever works, you know??
Posted by verne on October 6, 2005, at 7:13:27
In reply to there is fellowship here, » verne, posted by ClearSkies on October 6, 2005, at 4:54:39
Renewing my babble association seems to help although it's a bit of a balance beam act as you mentioned in an earlier post. I now avoid the old administration fights and any sort of arguing. I used to get worked up, end up drinking, and stay in a state of excitement.
The agitation led to anxiety and then to drink. Drink led to drink. Being sick and hungover set the stage for more anxiety and drinking.
I have "thought" more about the consequences of drinking. One night of drinking (I'm thinking "fun") turns into a tailspin. At first, perhaps, it's only a couple times a week, but eventually even "remedial" drinking because I'm sick and hungover, turns into a three day binge.
So I ask myself, "do you really want to go through all that?" Left to my own devices, I won't be able to control it, and I'll get sicker and sicker. Sometimes the guilt and shame are enough to stop me.
Surrendering the Ego's control was key to my spiritual experience and the ensuing peace. I didn't even have a fixed idea about a higher power, just that peace, love, and patience increased in me as my ego decreased.
The ego might start the day with, "In my power and strength I WON'T drink today." Seems like a good affirmation but it sets up internal pressure or resistance (what do you mean, you can't drink today?) which leads to greater and greater need for control.
If I had a morning prayer it might be, "On my own I WILL drink today. In MY strength, I will drink today. I pray for more Peace and Love and less ME. And in your Strength (higher power) I won't drink."
Verne
Posted by tizza on October 6, 2005, at 22:40:12
In reply to Re: there is fellowship here, » ClearSkies, posted by verne on October 6, 2005, at 7:13:27
I agree with having fellowship here. I've had a tough week at work, it's Friday arvo and I'm dying for a drink but I'm not going to because I have the same motivation. GUILT from previous blackouts and the things I have said and done in this state for the last 20 years and I'm only 35. I know I'm fine if I have a few, but I can't stop at a few so I'm terrified of blacking out and then feeling depressed and extremely anxious about what I have done. This doesn't always happen but I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. Have a great weekend everyone. Paul.
Posted by Sebastian on October 8, 2005, at 18:52:49
In reply to Re: 44 days and wondering... » ClearSkies, posted by antigua on October 4, 2005, at 11:16:20
I wouldn't go either, I would just find something that I enjoy doing and do it all the time I have free time. My habit is TV.
This is the end of the thread.
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