![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on August 7, 2005, at 16:24:15
I've been pretty asexual lately. (Maybe it's the meds, I dunno.) I want to be sexual but it just doesn't happen.This woman I'm dating, though, kissed me on my arm the other night as we were walking down the street, and dear god, it turned me on. What is up with that?
Is that normal? To be completely asexual and then have a person just show up and arouse that demon. I dunno. Sometimes I wish there was a sexuality board but then we'd probably get a ton of perverts here so I guess it's just as well.
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 16:49:59
In reply to sex, posted by crushedout on August 7, 2005, at 16:24:15
> I've been pretty asexual lately. (Maybe it's the meds, I dunno.) I want to be sexual but it just doesn't happen.Sometimes it’s just the illness.
> This woman I'm dating, though, kissed me on my arm the other night as we were walking down the street, and dear god, it turned me on. What is up with that?
Erm… an attractive woman touches your body with her warm lips, and you’re wondering why it turned you on? Maybe because you’re human?
> Is that normal? To be completely asexual and then have a person just show up and arouse that demon. I dunno.
I think that’s pretty normal. After all, you’re dating her; presumably there’s some sexual charge between you. If there were nothing sexual in it, wouldn’t you just be friends?
I felt pretty asexual for a while (some months ago) and when it came back it seemed much more intense and powerful than usual. I found it quite daunting; sometimes I was afraid to leave the house in case I propositioned the first person I saw! However, it all settled down eventually.
> Sometimes I wish there was a sexuality board but then we'd probably get a ton of perverts here so I guess it's just as well.
Hah! The pervert’s here already (speaking of myself of course). *wicked grin*
Tamar
Posted by crushedout on August 7, 2005, at 17:31:12
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 16:49:59
>
> > I've been pretty asexual lately. (Maybe it's the meds, I dunno.) I want to be sexual but it just doesn't happen.
>
> Sometimes it’s just the illness.or maybe it could even be normal? i guess i kind of doubt that. we're not supposed to go through long droughts in sexuality.
> > This woman I'm dating, though, kissed me on my arm the other night as we were walking down the street, and dear god, it turned me on. What is up with that?
>
> Erm… an attractive woman touches your body with her warm lips, and you’re wondering why it turned you on? Maybe because you’re human?uh, yeah, you have a point. no, i knew it was kind of a silly question, but i must admit, it shocked me. just *how* turned on i got. plus, i mean, she's attractive, and i guess we have some chemistry, but i'm still not sure if she's really my type.
> I felt pretty asexual for a while (some months ago) and when it came back it seemed much more intense and powerful than usual. I found it quite daunting; sometimes I was afraid to leave the house in case I propositioned the first person I saw! However, it all settled down eventually.oh boy, i've had that feeling. that's the thing with me -- it seems to be rather all or nothing. and when the all goes away, it seems kind of sad. i like it when i feel like humping people's knees on the subway. :)
> > Sometimes I wish there was a sexuality board but then we'd probably get a ton of perverts here so I guess it's just as well.
>
> Hah! The pervert’s here already (speaking of myself of course). *wicked grin*yeah, same here. i was thinking that when i wrote it. :)
tamar, maybe it's none of my business, but i'm curious: are you married? are you gay?
just bc of what you said about the attractive woman it made me wonder. then again, you know, i think sometimes everyone's at least a *little* gay (and at least a little straight, too, of course).
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 18:48:44
In reply to Re: sex, posted by crushedout on August 7, 2005, at 17:31:12
> or maybe it could even be normal? i guess i kind of doubt that. we're not supposed to go through long droughts in sexuality.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s terribly normal to go through sexual droughts; at least, not for me. I like things balanced.
> uh, yeah, you have a point. no, i knew it was kind of a silly question, but i must admit, it shocked me. just *how* turned on i got. plus, i mean, she's attractive, and i guess we have some chemistry, but i'm still not sure if she's really my type.
Well, maybe it’s all coming back. That should be a good thing, right? And maybe feeling turned on by a kiss on the arm is an indication that you’re feeling ready for some sex, whether or not it’s with this particular woman.
> oh boy, i've had that feeling. that's the thing with me -- it seems to be rather all or nothing. and when the all goes away, it seems kind of sad. i like it when i feel like humping people's knees on the subway. :)
ROFL! Yeah, I know all too well about wanting to hump people’s knees on the subway!
> tamar, maybe it's none of my business, but i'm curious: are you married? are you gay?
>
> just bc of what you said about the attractive woman it made me wonder. then again, you know, i think sometimes everyone's at least a *little* gay (and at least a little straight, too, of course).(Deep breath…) I’ve been married for nine years. All my partners have been men… except one. I had a two-year relationship with a woman before I met my husband. I never say I’m bisexual, because it sounds a bit silly given my very straight lifestyle. So sometimes I say I used to be a lesbian, but I don’t really feel comfortable saying that either (for all sorts of reasons). I don’t want to think of that relationship as anomalous, because it’s clearly part of my identity. So I don’t really know how to label myself. I still look at women, but I seem to be primarily interested in men (sexually). Mainly I think of myself as a straight woman with a colourful past.
Hmm… I came out. Whatever next?
Posted by crushedout on August 7, 2005, at 18:53:13
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 18:48:44
thanks for sharing that. :)was it hard? i don't think anyone here (anyone who's cool anyway) will hold that against you. i certainly don't. :)
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 19:41:31
In reply to Re: sex » Tamar, posted by crushedout on August 7, 2005, at 18:53:13
>
> thanks for sharing that. :)
>
> was it hard? i don't think anyone here (anyone who's cool anyway) will hold that against you. i certainly don't. :)Oddly enough, I do find it hard. I probably would never have mentioned it if you hadn’t asked me directly!
I’m afraid that straight women will hate me when they find out I’m not straight. The fear is there because I *appear* to be straight; but I worry that when straight women find out I’m not one of them, they will feel they’ve been deceived, or lulled into a false sense of security or something. And then they’ll wonder whether I’ve ever had sexual thoughts about them, and they’ll think I’m completely disgusting.
The difficulty for me is knowing how and when to come out. I don’t like to declare my sexual orientation to people I’ve only just met, but once I get to know someone I realise that coming out will change the image they have of me. And it’s hard to do it casually; it seems to be making a big deal out of something that shouldn’t be a big deal.
It was never a problem when I was actually living as a lesbian. Coming out was much easier because I could simply talk about my girlfriend. I wasn’t ‘pretending’ to be straight, so I assumed straight women would know immediately where they stood and if they didn’t want to associate with gay women, that was their problem, not mine. And I guess that’s still the logical way to think about it, if only I could be logical!
Of course, you’re right: cool people won’t hold it against me. Thanks for that!
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 20:23:27
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 19:41:31
Tamar, to me it really is no big deal. But I just realized that because it isn't a big deal to me that I might not be properly acknowledging that it is a big disclosure to make, in some ways.
I'm glad you felt safe enough to make it here, and I can only speak for myself but I don't see you any differently at all.
Posted by damos on August 7, 2005, at 22:05:28
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 19:41:31
I'm so far from cool as to be positively tropical, and you're way okay by me Tamar.
Posted by Tamar on August 8, 2005, at 4:16:44
In reply to Re: sex » Tamar, posted by damos on August 7, 2005, at 22:05:28
It means a lot to me to know that you can still accept me!
Tamar
Posted by AuntieMel on August 8, 2005, at 10:00:14
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 19:41:31
Natural fears, I guess. We all want to be accepted and we all think there is *something* that would keep others from accepting us "if only they knew."
But - at least in my book - a person's sexual orientation says absolutely nothing about *who* the person is.
And it's the *who* of them that counts.
Posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 10:39:18
In reply to Re: fears » Tamar, posted by AuntieMel on August 8, 2005, at 10:00:14
Thanks, Auntie Mel.
Posted by caraher on August 8, 2005, at 11:23:13
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 18:48:44
> I don’t really know how to label myself. I still look at women, but I seem to be primarily interested in men (sexually).
The "labeling" question is interesting... it's as if the label is somehow more "real" than the person, when it should be the other way around.
And sure, we're a pretty accepting bunch here but it still takes guts to answer a pointed question like that!
Posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 11:45:06
In reply to Re: labels, posted by caraher on August 8, 2005, at 11:23:13
I hope my question wasn't *too* pointed. I didn't mean to pry. I just find it hard sometimes feeling like one of the only lesbians on here. And I like knowing that other women feel attracted to women (it gives me hope!) even if they identify primarily as heterosexual.I also have serious problems with heterosexuality because I want to marry a straight woman. :(
I'm not really joking. Got my work cut out for me.
Posted by caraher on August 8, 2005, at 13:13:00
In reply to Tamar, posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 11:45:06
>
> I hope my question wasn't *too* pointed. I didn't mean to pry. I just find it hard sometimes feeling like one of the only lesbians on here. And I like knowing that other women feel attracted to women (it gives me hope!) even if they identify primarily as heterosexual.
>
> I also have serious problems with heterosexuality because I want to marry a straight woman. :(
>
> I'm not really joking. Got my work cut out for me.I didn't mean to sound critical of you for the question, crushedout, I just wanted to applaud Tamar's forthright answer.
It seems like a lot of women I've known are all over the map on "what to call" their sexual orientation. Even one of the "most heterosexual" women I've known has mentioned messing around with one of her high school friends, and I know a couple more who at various times as declared themselves "definitely" lesbian or not lesbian then subsequently and quite openly drifted all over the spectrum.
I guess one never knows for certain what tomorrow will bring...
Posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 14:29:34
In reply to Re: labels, posted by caraher on August 8, 2005, at 11:23:13
> The "labeling" question is interesting... it's as if the label is somehow more "real" than the person, when it should be the other way around.
I guess it’s shorthand really. Most people find it convenient to categorise others. I mean, not all lesbians are the same but somehow the word lesbian (or woman, man, disabled, christian etc.) gives people an easy way to know something significant about a person. The real danger comes when we use labels against people.
> And sure, we're a pretty accepting bunch here but it still takes guts to answer a pointed question like that!
Well, crushed asked very politely and she did indicate that I didn’t have to answer! I guess it was the gentle manner of asking that made it possible for me to tell…
Tamar
Posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 14:53:35
In reply to Re: labels » caraher, posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 14:29:34
> I guess it’s shorthand really. Most people find it convenient to categorise others. I mean, not all lesbians are the same but somehow the word lesbian (or woman, man, disabled, christian etc.) gives people an easy way to know something significant about a person. The real danger comes when we use labels against people.I think that's exactly right.
> > And sure, we're a pretty accepting bunch here but it still takes guts to answer a pointed question like that!
>
> Well, crushed asked very politely and she did indicate that I didn’t have to answer! I guess it was the gentle manner of asking that made it possible for me to tell…That's so sweet. Thanks, Tamar.
Posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 15:00:29
In reply to Tamar, posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 11:45:06
> I hope my question wasn't *too* pointed. I didn't mean to pry.
No, it was just right. Any less direct and I probably would have sidestepped it! And you did make it clear I didn’t have to answer. I thought for a nanosecond of simply saying I was married but it didn’t seem honest to do that.
> I just find it hard sometimes feeling like one of the only lesbians on here. And I like knowing that other women feel attracted to women (it gives me hope!) even if they identify primarily as heterosexual.
I think I can imagine what you mean. I get the impression there aren’t very many lesbians here. However, it does feel like a very safe environment in which to be gay. It's probably possible to be a bit flirtatious without people taking offence.
> I also have serious problems with heterosexuality because I want to marry a straight woman. :(
>
> I'm not really joking. Got my work cut out for me.Ah. It sounds as if you’re speaking of someone in particular… no? On one hand, I don’t think sexual orientation is fixed; I’m sure you could persuade a straight woman to give her gay side an airing! But on the other hand, would it be frustrating to spend hours teaching her how to do it? (Maybe that’s a silly question…)
Posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 15:16:26
In reply to Re: Tamar » crushedout, posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 15:00:29
> > I also have serious problems with heterosexuality because I want to marry a straight woman. :(
> >
> > I'm not really joking. Got my work cut out for me.
>
> Ah. It sounds as if you’re speaking of someone in particular… no?well, maybe a few someones. it comes up for me often lately, my longings toward straight women. part of the problem is just that most women are (primarily) straight and especially the feminine-looking ones. I'm generally attracted to fairly feminine-looking women.
Sometimes I think it's also possible that i just *assume* the feminine-looking ones are straight, which is silly, since i'm feminine-looking and gay.
but right now, i guess you're right: i have a specific person in mind. since it's my therapist, i don't think i have much of a shot. :( she's a good therapist. lucky me. (half-sarcastic, half-relieved)
>On one hand, I don’t think sexual orientation is fixed; I’m sure you could persuade a straight woman to give her gay side an airing! But on the other hand, would it be frustrating to spend hours teaching her how to do it? (Maybe that’s a silly question…)oh, yes, very silly. hours teaching a straight woman the joys of lesbianity? no, no, that's a punishment worse than death! please don't throw me in the briar patch!
(ok, it might not be that great if she was really clueless. but i think with a sensual person, it comes pretty naturally.)
Posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 16:47:38
In reply to Re: Tamar, posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 15:16:26
> well, maybe a few someones. it comes up for me often lately, my longings toward straight women. part of the problem is just that most women are (primarily) straight and especially the feminine-looking ones. I'm generally attracted to fairly feminine-looking women.
Me too. I tend to like feminine women and masculine men.
> Sometimes I think it's also possible that i just *assume* the feminine-looking ones are straight, which is silly, since i'm feminine-looking and gay.
I think we’re still living in the shadow of the butch/femme generation(s). It’s hard to break away from that because it was a very powerful aspect of lesbian culture, as far as I can tell. And also, I think to some extent gay women find it easier to get a partner if they wear the uniform, which makes it hard to spot lesbians who don’t conform to the stereotypes.
> but right now, i guess you're right: i have a specific person in mind. since it's my therapist, i don't think i have much of a shot. :( she's a good therapist. lucky me. (half-sarcastic, half-relieved)
From what you say, she seems professional, which does appear to reduce your chances with her. Maybe if she helps you through the transference agony you’ll find a nice straight woman who is available – or even better, a gay woman! And in the meantime, there’s the woman you’re dating…
> oh, yes, very silly. hours teaching a straight woman the joys of lesbianity? no, no, that's a punishment worse than death! please don't throw me in the briar patch!
Tee hee!
> (ok, it might not be that great if she was really clueless. but i think with a sensual person, it comes pretty naturally.)
Yeah, I think you’re right, although if I recall (and it was a long time ago) there was quite a bit of learning to do. And I think it took a while to develop my neck muscles… (I’d better stop now before I get carried away…)
Tamar
Posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 17:13:19
In reply to Re: Tamar » crushedout, posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 16:47:38
>And I think it took a while to develop my neck muscles… (I’d better stop now before I get carried away…)
No, no, please continue. Hee hee.
I actually injured my tongue once in my lesbian youth. It was a very busy night. Luckily, I didn't have to be hospitalized.
Posted by Tamar on August 8, 2005, at 17:16:14
In reply to Re: Tamar » tamar, posted by crushedout on August 8, 2005, at 17:13:19
> >And I think it took a while to develop my neck muscles… (I’d better stop now before I get carried away…)
>
> No, no, please continue. Hee hee.Funny... that's what she said...
> I actually injured my tongue once in my lesbian youth. It was a very busy night. Luckily, I didn't have to be hospitalized.
ROFL! Just as well you didn't have to go to the hospital. The docs would have been telling each other that story for weeks!
Posted by Ilene on August 8, 2005, at 19:18:23
In reply to Re: sex » crushedout, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 19:41:31
I must be cool because I'm straight and one of my oldest friends is a lesbian. She had a b/f when I met her, though. Life is more than a little confusing.
I.
Posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 8:17:37
In reply to Re: sex » Tamar, posted by Ilene on August 8, 2005, at 19:18:23
> I must be cool because I'm straight and one of my oldest friends is a lesbian. She had a b/f when I met her, though. Life is more than a little confusing.
Thanks Ilene. Yeah, you are cool!
Life is indeed confusing. One of my friends has gone the other way: lifelong lesbian and then she got together with a man. I think our identities are never as fixed as we suppose!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.