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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by fallsfall on December 27, 2003, at 18:53:02
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 27, 2003, at 9:40:54
Hi Geri,
I know how Christmas can be disappointing. Even sometimes when we don't think that we are expecting too much. It sounds like you did a really good job of trying to put things into perspective (realizing that you DID get one thing you really wanted, realizing that it shouldn't be a crisis that it didn't work). Those are hard things to do.
When I am feeling depressed I find that when things go OK I don't feel very good, and when things to less than OK, I feel really awful. So everything FEELS worse to me than it (objectively) is. I'm sure that some of what you are feeling is that things look darker to you through your depression glasses. Knowing that doesn't necessarily make anything feel better, but it can help you to make it through the time without selfdestructing as much.
I can understand that you didn't want to spend time with your sister and friend - Their view of the world is different (sunnier) than yours, and that really doesn't seem fair. I think that being alone TO SOME DEGREE can help - it can let you sort things out in your own mind, it can keep things from getting so overwhelming because you have more control over what stimulation you are receiving, it can let you relax. But it is really dangerous for me to be alone TOO MUCH. Being with other people forces me to see that other people do care about me, it forces me to recognize that other's lives look better than mine - that gives me some hope that mine can get better, too, it forces me to put a smile on and not wallow in my sorrow so much. I guess I'm trying to say that there is a balance somewhere between being with people too much and not enough. If you are doing a lot of one and you aren't feeling any better - maybe you should try a little of the other.
Holidays are full of stress. There are so many expectations and so many responsibilities and so many unusual activities. Try to be good to yourself a little - do things that you want to do. Take a bubble bath, or go sledding, or listen to music that calms you. See if you can get back to a more "normal" routine (which is hard during vacation...).
Personally, I'm just glad Christmas is over. New Years isn't a big holiday for me, so now I can wind down and get ready to go on with the rest of my life. Phew!
I'm sorry your Christmas wasn't wonderful. Sometimes (too much of the time?) they aren't. But maybe your December 28th can be better than your December 27th was, and you can go on from there.
(((((Geri)))))
Posted by geri122 on December 29, 2003, at 12:09:39
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 27, 2003, at 18:53:02
i am extremly happy that christmas is over, but even still, i feel more emotional then ever. I don't know what is wrong with me, i can't explain it.
My emotions against my father get stronger and stronger, and they aren't good ones. I ahet it, i just i don't want to deal with it anymore. i will never tell me father how i feel, becaues that would also mean i would have to explain how i feel about him. He is always yelling, always telling people what they did was wrong, he is always fighting with my mom, she deserves so much better, so much more. I try to picture what life would be like if he was not around, i don't want to. I want everything to be ok, i don't want to have these thoughts anymore. i want it all to stop!
Posted by LynneDa on December 29, 2003, at 14:12:38
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 29, 2003, at 12:09:39
Geri, I understand! What you're going through on the inside is being made worse by what's happening on the outside with your Dad. It's okay to hate your Dad's behaviors and be angry with them. You have 2 challenges before you: one is to try to get your emotions/hormones under control so you can deal with life better and the second is to learn coping mechanisms to deal with your home environment. Counseling can really help with both, sweetie!
I'm glad you see that your Mom deserves better. Maybe you will grow to be a stronger woman and not become attracted to a man who is as angry and negative as your Dad sounds. I'm sure there are reasons that he developed into the person that he is and he maybe isn't the introspective type who will look inside himself and around him to see the damage he's causing . . . and then do something about it. You can't change him, you can only change the way you react. Trite, I know, but it's the truth!
I really urge you to try and talk to someone about your situation. It will make you feel less desperate.
What about your Mom? Maybe you feel she is not in a good position to talk to you about the issues in your family, but maybe it will strengthen her in some way to know you recognize it and want to do something about it, a united front so to speak? It may seem insurmountable to take on your Dad, but it may not be. I know you don't like conflict, but it may be worth bringing it up to your Mom some time.
I'm glad to hear you got through Christmas, although it was disappointing. Hang in there and here's hoping 2004 will be much better and healthier for you!!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by fallsfall on December 29, 2003, at 16:38:42
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 29, 2003, at 12:09:39
"I want everything to be ok, i don't want to have these thoughts anymore. i want it all to stop!"
Hi Geri,
If you really want it all to stop, then I think you are going to have to get some help. You have been dealing with this for a long time - 2 months on this board. It's clearly not going to get better by itself. Please understand that getting help is a GOOD thing. That it means that you are taking care of yourself. Don't let anyone ever tell you that getting help is not a good thing.
You have a couple of choices of how to get the help you need. But before we go into that, you need to decide that you do WANT help. I know that you want the problem to go away, but that is different from wanting help with it. If you get help, then you will still have to work very hard to deal with things and understand things and change things. But you won't be doing it alone. You will have somebody who understands your needs and who is on YOUR side. For me, having someone on my side makes doing hard things much easier.
Can you imagine that there could be someone who really wanted to help you? Who listened and asked questions until they really understood what your problems were? Who could help you think of solutions that would work for you, and who could understand that if you said a particular solution wouldn't work in your case that you did know what you were talking about? People like this really exist. You can get in touch with someone who can understand and help.
Are you ready to find some help? Your problems are not going to disappear on their own. Please let someone help you.
Like I said, there are a number of different ways that you can go about getting help. Once you have decided that you need some help, we can talk about what some of them are, until we can find one that is comfortable for you.
Hoping to hear from you soon!
Posted by geri122 on December 30, 2003, at 12:52:20
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on December 29, 2003, at 14:12:38
I fight to hold back tears. I fight to stay strong. I know that i need to turn to someone. but i can't right now. Im a jr in hischool, ui only have one more year befoer i move out, if i can just deal with it on my own, so i don't have to tell them, it would be nice. I don't want more problems. I can't bring them in, there is no way. If things were different, i would, i really would, because more then anything i want help, but i can't, there is no way around it.
Its just so hard, to hide my tears in my pillow, to not be able to express it. sometimes i sit in my bed praying that it would be a dream, a nightmare. im going to wake up, it will be all over. Why can't it be a dream?
Posted by fallsfall on December 30, 2003, at 14:57:38
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 30, 2003, at 12:52:20
Geri,
What exactly is your fear of getting help? What do you think would happen?
Posted by geri122 on December 30, 2003, at 15:35:08
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 30, 2003, at 14:57:38
i can't really explain it. I just don't think you really understand. but then again, that is how i feel about everyone. My life, well lets just say its an act. Its my life. I can't change in day, and yes its several months, but this is a step for me. WHat am i afraid of. My family not understanding, they won;t i know it. I have tried and it didn't work, if i don't truth them with little problems, how can i trust them with one like this. If i tell them, i would have to explain everything, all the way up to my feelings against my dad. No matter the emotions i have against him, he is the only father i have, i don't want to make things any worse then what they are. no controversay, nothing. It would only cause more problems.
Posted by fallsfall on December 30, 2003, at 15:42:55
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 30, 2003, at 15:35:08
You are right, I don't quite understand - but I really do want to.
You seem really adamant about not talking to your parents at all. So let's take that as a given for now. Let's assume that whatever you do, it can't involve telling your parents that you are depressed, and certainly not telling them WHY you are depressed.
So, if you could get some help without talking to them or having them find out at all, would you be more interested in getting help?
Posted by Bubbaleh on December 31, 2003, at 8:38:50
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 30, 2003, at 15:42:55
Geri, you say that you can wait to solve your problem till you graduate from high school and can move out. If you are a junior in high school, you have almost a year and a half of pain in front of you at home. And, sad to say, problems that develop in our families-of-origin often follow us into the world even after we move out. You might very well stay depressed even when your dad is not around! :( What I am saying is, maybe seeing a professional now rather than later could save you years of pain. As someone else has implied, you could do it in secret--tell your parents you are going to a friend's, which will be true because the professional will be your friend. Many professionals are willing to treat people at reduced rates, if necessary.
Please do not think we are talking down to you by suggesting you see a professional. I for one see a doctor and a therapist, and my life is better for it!
Good luck, Geri!! We are concerned for you.
Posted by geri122 on December 31, 2003, at 10:14:20
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 30, 2003, at 15:42:55
there is always that possibilty yes, but i haven't been completely honest with you. Having my parents know is the biggest reason. You see, lately there have bbeen many shows on about deppression. In these shows there is medication involved and what they can do. What if just talking doesn't help, what if i have to go on medication, what if i get the side affects. This will stick with me for the rest of my life. People who don't understand will think less of me. The truth is... yes i am terrified of my family. Yes i don't want them to know. but i could run from that, hide from it, they are only 3 people. but the world, the would is much bigger.
Posted by Bubbaleh on December 31, 2003, at 14:55:05
In reply to death, posted by geri122 on November 26, 2003, at 15:09:47
Geri, medication is a secret between you, your doctor, and your pharmacist. If you want, you can always leave the room before taking your pill. Or, you can tell people it is a vitamin pill. Although you may not need a pill, if you do, it is not such bad news. A whole lot of people take anti-depressants nowadays. Probably some people you know in your daily life take them, it's just you don't know because they keep it to themselves.
Did I understand why you don't want to take anti-depressants? If not, please let me know!
Posted by fallsfall on December 31, 2003, at 15:51:17
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on December 31, 2003, at 10:14:20
(This is really long. I'm sorry. If you don't want to read a long post, let me know and I'll try to summarize it. I want you to be able to feel better.)
Boy do I understand not wanting the world to know you are depressed.
The first time my doctor said anything about depression was in October or November (many years ago). I had a lot of back pain, and he had tried everything - medication, heat/ice, physical therapy. Finally he ran one more test and said that if it came back negative that we were going to need to talk about depression. The test was negative, but I didn't go back to talk to him because I was terrified. For many of the same reasons you are.
Then in January, my best friend confronted me and told me that something was wrong with me, and that I was driving her crazy. I put 2 and 2 together and knew that I was depressed. I was scared to go talk to my doctor, but I knew that I would have a problem with my friend, and that ignoring it hadn't made it better - it was getting worse.
So I made an appointment with my doctor and told him I thought I was depressed. He agreed and referred me to a therapist. I'm really glad I did that. But it was really hard to do. I DO understand that part.
What the world thinks about depression. Well, it isn't the best thing to have, but it really is getting more and more common. I don't tell everyone, but I tell most people if it comes up. Almost all of them have a close friend or relative who is depressed or has been recently - it is amazing. I keep trying to find people who AREN"T depressed. Every time I make a new friend and think they are "normal" I find out that they have some mental illness. There are people who don't understand and think it means that you are lazy. But I find that most people really are compassionate - and honestly ask if there is something they can do to help. But - you don't HAVE to tell anyone you don't want to. Lots of people keep it a secret (which is why there are more people who have depression than you think!). Letting other people know about my depression hasn't hurt me at all.
What do you think would happen if people did find out? What would happen if your friends found out? Do you think it would affect you at school? At work when you are older? I'm not sure what you think would happen.
I didn't want to tell my boss when I was working because I didn't want him to avoid giving me hard assignments, thinking I wasn't strong enough to handle them. Eventually I did tell him, and he tried to work with me to figure out how I could do stuff at work without getting too stressed. He really was wonderful.
Some people are jerks. But maybe you don't want to have much to do with them anyway.
Drugs. You CAN refuse to take medication. My sister has refused medication for years. That is a choice that YOU can make.
Side effects. The side effects that you hear about are POSSIBLE with the medication. That doesn't mean that YOU would get all or any of them. Most of the time it is less than 10% of the people who take the med who get a particular side effect (there are exceptions where more people get a side effect, but a lot of the ones you hear about don't happen to 90% of the people who take the meds). So, please don't think that you WOULD definately get all of these awful side effects. Some of them aren't as awful as they sound - and for some of them there are things that you can do to make the side effect go away. For instance, I get dry mouth. That means that it feels like I have cotton in my mouth sometimes and it makes it hard to talk. So I carry a bottle of water with me wherever I go (that isn't such a bad idea anyway...). If it gets really bad, then I eat something and that makes it better. It can be annoying, but it isn't as annoying as being depressed. If you DID get a side effect that you couldn't stand (one med made me start losing my hair - that was unacceptable to me) then you can stop taking that med. 99% of the side effects go away when you stop taking the med. My doctor is always very careful to tell me about side effects that DON'T go away when I stop the med. And then I decide if I am willing to take that risk (sometimes there are warning signs, and if you stop right away it isn't a big problem).
So if your doctor recommended meds, and if you decided to take them, you could also decide to stop taking them (just talk to your doctor about whether you would need to cut back gradually, or if you could just stop taking them).
What side effects scare you the most? Many times a doctor will choose one med over another because of the side effects of each med. So if you couldn't stand hair loss, then they could be sure not to give you a med that has that for a side effect.
Assuming that you are depressed now (and I think it is pretty likely), you could go to therapy or counselling and see if it helped. You could even just talk to the counselor at your school - during school hours, and that way your parents wouldn't know. Your counselor at school could make a better assessment than I can over the internet and help you understand what your choices were from there. Maybe just talking to her would be enough. Maybe not. Depressions often go away by themselves after 6 months or so (but 6 months is a long time to be miserable). But sometimes they come back - and I have found that the things that I have learned in therapy help me to make it so that when the depression does come back (unfortunately, mine does) I can recognize it faster and keep it from getting too bad.
Depression can be a life long illness, but for most people it is not ALL of the time, and for most people it is very treatable with therapy or meds or a combination. And for lots of people, it isn't something they fight all the time - maybe just once, or a couple of times in their life. I do believe that you have a better chance of having it not affect you as much of the time if you treat it. If you can keep it from getting really bad, then you aren't as likely to have it come back as much. That's what I've heard.
Your fears are very understandable, but I think that if you had a little more information, then you might not be as scared. Let me know what else worries you, and I'll try to let you know whether you should be worried. Some of your worries are valid - some people will think less of you, meds do have side effects. So let's talk about the things that worry you.
Posted by Bubbaleh on January 2, 2004, at 6:29:58
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on December 31, 2003, at 15:51:17
Hi, Geri122,
I am really wondering what you are thinking about now, after receiving posts from me and Fallsfall. You are in my thoughts. Please let me know what is on your mind.
Hope your New Year's Day wasn't too bad.
Take care,
Bubbaleh
Posted by geri122 on January 2, 2004, at 8:50:32
In reply to Re: Saturday » fallsfall, posted by Bubbaleh on January 2, 2004, at 6:29:58
i will go see a doctor, just not yet, i am not ready yet. i mean i think that i can handel it right now. When, and if i gets to the point then i will be there but right now i need to deal with it. It acually makes me feel stronger to deal with it on my own. When i do overcome those mixed emotiond i can say I did that, i over came that. Yes i know you can do that when you have help, but i am just not ready.
I have these moments, where nothing seems right, all i want to do is crawl into a hole, but look im in that hole, i am still an exictance in the world.
It is a struggle, and it does get hard... and i am afraid, terrified acually. This is all not something i just woke up on. I ahve researched, read books and got first hand information. I know someone that is deppressed. We don't talk much, but she is my age and she told me everything that she goes through. My school, well there aren;t the most understanding people there. We are in high school, rumors and true facts get around quickly. I would go to a doctor, but my parents can't find out and they are always on my case. They must know where i am at all time. I know that that is out of love, but at 16 i can't do anything for myself by myself.
It is hard, but i know that someday i will be able to look in the mirror and say im ok.
Posted by LynneDa on January 2, 2004, at 10:23:02
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 2, 2004, at 8:50:32
Hi Geri - Happy New Year! I hope a lot of good things happen for you this year!
It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what your options are and what your present state of mind is right now. I know you are caught between a rock and a hard place in terms of getting help. You are right that there is a huge stigma against mental illness in general, but you can keep it to yourself!
The problem is, everyone thinks it can't happen to them and they are afraid to talk about it if it hasn't - they don't want to be reminded of the possibility. But, as Fallsfall says, there are more people who are depressed and getting treatment than you could imagine! When I first recognized I needed help, I talked to my boss and she was so relieved for me cuz she knew something was wrong with me. She'd been thru a bout with it, as had 3 of my co-workers and the wives of 2 of the guys in my department.
Anyway, you have to take things at your own pace. We can keep urging you to go to your doctor and let the cards fall where they may. We can tell you that people are much kinder than you can imagine and the one's who aren't . . . who needs them! We can try to allay your fears about meds or counseling. But, bottom line is you have to make the choices when you are ready and I respect that. Just know that whichever you choose, you can always talk to us about it.
Keep in mind that, like Fallsfall alluded to, depression, and any mental illness, is progressive - that means it can get worse without treatment. It snowballs from an emotional and physiological sense. But, due to our hormones, it can come and go too!
The best I can do for you now is to help you thru situations. If you have a run-in with your Dad, we can talk about it and help you with some coping skills and maybe give you a way to look at it differently so it doesn't hurt quite as much.
Keep talking to your friend who opened up about her depression. That should help you. I really do think if you see a doctor and he/she diagnoses you with depression or even PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder or really, really bad PMS), that will legitimize it for your parents. You have to weigh that feeling of being in a dark hole you can't climb out of versus the storm that you fear may be unleashed if your parents know.
I'm sorry you are caught in such a difficult spot! Just think, you are learning what kinds of things you will and won't do when you are a parent!
Take care sweetie and write when you need to!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 7, 2004, at 17:11:33
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 2, 2004, at 10:23:02
i know that you are here for me and that is the main reason why i cope with this the way i do. Before i started posting here things were worse. I didn't have anyone that could relate. THe problem is this emotions are starting to affect my reltaions with people. You see i like this boy but i am afraid that he won't understand and get scared and leave. We have been friends for a little and i know that he has feeling for me.. it kind of scares me. I don't, i just find how i feel getting in the way with my life. Drawing back... not livin life, not really wanting! but i am here
Posted by geri122 on January 8, 2004, at 15:00:42
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 7, 2004, at 17:11:33
i talked to a friend today who was referred to go to the school councler to be evaluated. He is so comfortable with how he feels, he doesn;t care who knows. I even told him that the principle told me that i should go and talk to the councler. He agreed. He said that it would be good for me. I never even told him really how i felt, but part of me thinks he already knows. I mean he is a great friend. I just am scared you know. Am i ready is the big question?
Posted by LynneDa on January 8, 2004, at 16:38:30
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 8, 2004, at 15:00:42
Hey, it sounds like you're getting closer to being ready! Doors are starting to open around you and sometimes that's what it takes. Just go with it and see how you feel. That's great this guy is so open to talking about it. Many people are that way - this is how I am, take it or leave it. OR - they are down so low they are ready for anything! Either way, he obviously recognized your behaviors and demeanor as being evidence of a big change in your mental state!!
Geri, problems and emotions can seem so big and overwhelming at any age, but especially at your age when you have hormonal changes and are somewhat inexperienced in dealing with issues. Combined with the fact that you aren't in control of your daily life since you are still with your parents. I found that talking to a counselor, to my friends, writing about my feelings and reading (which I know you mentioned you've been doing) was enough to get me through a lot of my teen years. That may be all you need. Or, there's always the chance that today's medicines may turn things around for you faster.
The answer is going to come for you eventually and you will find peace. It will be amazing when you can really know that you don't have to feel anxious and low all the time (or much of the time). You can feel productive and a part of things, you can like yourself and therefore be more a part of your outer life when you feel better. This is what I want to see happen for you :-)
Take care sweetie!
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on January 8, 2004, at 16:45:11
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 7, 2004, at 17:11:33
Geri - You are here and that is very important! I'm glad there's someone you like and who you thinks likes you back! That is so much fun and should be part of your experiences right now.
Definitely, the way you feel about yourself is going to effect the way you relate to others. The fact that you may be suffering from depression will show only if you let it. It's hard to be confident, I know. But, in the beginning of a relationship, the other person doesn't have to know everything about you.
This is who you are right now. Things happen for a reason, I firmly believe that. The person you are right now is shaped by the fact that you're not feeling too good on the inside. But, it may also make you more sensitive to what others are feeling, etc. It may bring out qualities in you that could be attractive in ways you never imagined! Just watch out for the guys who sense a vulnerability in a girl and zero in on it - they can become manipulative. I know I sound cynical, but it's a natural human tendency to be drawn to someone stronger than you and for a strong person to be drawn to someone who's weak. Make sure YOU are still in charge of Geri, you make the decisions for you.
Keep working on the friendship side with this guy. If it's meant to be, it'll develop into more. Have fun!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by fallsfall on January 8, 2004, at 17:22:44
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 8, 2004, at 15:00:42
It's great that you know someone who has seen the counselor. It sounds like he thought the counselor was helpful, and not too scary. That is good to know. He can probably answer some questions you have about seeing the counselor. Lots of times having a little more information can make something less scary.
Good luck! And let us know what you decide.
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:37:50
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on January 8, 2004, at 17:22:44
Today in one of my classes i lost control. completely. I don't know what got over me, i was so tense and i flipped out. Yes there are more and more situations that send me in the direction to get help. i just.. today scared me. I couldn't control what i was doing. I don't want it to happen again, but i know that i can not control it. What do i do. have i really reached rock buttom.
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:39:04
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:37:50
Geri - what exactly did you do? Cry, shut down, what? You are right, it is another sign. Tell me what happened!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:41:42
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:39:04
i don't know, i was haveing a good day. it was the last block of the day. all of sudden i brok down.. i was yelling and i even threw my notbook.. all i wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and cry
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:44:40
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:41:42
What happened immediately before this happened - who were you talking to and what were you thinking about? Did you feel some sort of a change in your head? Did you eat lunch today? I've had moments like that and it is all I can do to control myself! It's hard, I know, but you can get through this.
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:52:41
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:44:40
i don't know what i was thinking about. I was talking to a fellow student. No i didn't eat lunch i usaually don't.
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