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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
Why is the world so ugly? I need help.
Posted by bookgurl99 on December 18, 2002, at 2:04:32
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
Wow. I am so sorry to hear that you're so lonely. Can I send you an electronic hug?
I can empathize to an extent, because I am trapped in a town of acquaintances and no close friends. AND I also have a twin sister -- no kidding!! -- who I do not have a close relationship with.
It really hurts to feel that alone, and now that I'm in a loving, satisfying relationship, I still have those moments of loneliness.
I'm sorry that you're having trouble socializing. Has it always been that way for you?
All I can offer is that I hope things get better for you, I hope you give it a chance to . . . remember this summer when I was feeling suicidal and you gave me support? I now want to just build my future, you know? So you _can_ get better.
*electronic hugs to be redeemed when you are comfortable with getting them* :D
Posted by jay on December 18, 2002, at 3:11:54
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
> I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
> I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
> I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
> I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
> All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
> I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
> Why is the world so ugly? I need help.Oh damn..I am *so* sorry you are feeling the way you do. I know it is NOT comforting...but I, and I imagine the many on this board, around the world, have had similar intense feelings, but again, that doesn't CHANGE your pain.
A couple of things first...and that is, do you have access to individual and/or group support/therapy? In times of acute pain like now, they may not seem good, but in the long run, they can prove helpful, especially for folks with what I like to call an 'existential' component to their depression. This means we really focus on the "What if's..." of depression, and tend to trivialize things, as deep and thinking people do. I *do* know the thoughts on your parents..and it is my folks love that has kept me going, at times. I would be mortally PETRIFIED if I took my life, only to ruin the little they have left. (They are both in their mid-60's) That would CRUSH me...and also I think of other loved ones around me. It may not be the ultimate, perfect defence, but USE that love, and DON'T let it go...because it is keeping you alive. What better reason, really...because we have TOO damn little love in this world. What better reason to survive for the love of the people who gave you life, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with them.
But, for your *immediate* relief...I'd say a couple of different meds may be helpful. For dysphoric mania, (i.e. can't sleep, extreme anger or sadness), I'd say likely a combination of say a HIGH potency benzodiazepine (at a CLINICAL dose), combined with either higher doses of the new atypical antipsychotics (at higher doses, they break the back of the extreme and intense anger and sadness, as well as any insomnia). Also, mood stabilizers might be warranted.
This is just MY opinion, but in crises like this, an antidepressant *alone* I don't think is good..at all.In fact, it has REALLY cranked up my intense emotions in the past. When I get that "dark" cloud, in my time of treatment, I have mobilized what keeps me alive, and you have to think of it like that. It's like an *emergency*..a crisis, and you must mobilize the troops, change positioning, plans, etc. Try to knock out the *intensity* of the symptoms with meds for mood stabilization (i.e. *not* antidepressants), and dive headfirst into it, if that means attending some type of therapy or support. (IMHO...maybe some have bad experiences with it...but *quality* support has a place.)
Please keep posting...and let us know how you make out. Sadly, especially in the past few years, the world *has* become ugly..selfish...careless..malevolent. Besides all the stuff about biology, my depression/anxiety is tied to my sensitivity to social conditions in the world, and when insensitive, greedy, thoughtless and violent people get in power or run the world, why shouldn't we become depressed?
"Don't let the bastards grind you down"..as easier said then done, I know.But..you are a caring soul UP ABOVE these people, above the violence, war, hatred, fear, and the very CHEAP, "smiley" faces of the pigs in power. Think Gandhi...Dalai Lama...Nobel Peace Prize winners like Jimmy Carter....Canadian Lester B. Pearson...enchanted Buddhists..etc.
Best...and peace in the night of the soul..amd please keep posting!Jay
Posted by Anna Laura on December 18, 2002, at 3:52:44
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
> I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
> I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
> I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
> I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
> All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
> I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
> Why is the world so ugly? I need help.
I know this might sound a bit harsh but the world can be ugly and people can be mean also, i won't lie to you; people are often envious too; you said you're smart and good-looking: people with these qualities always have a different struggle in life if they are over-sensitive.
On the other hand, this terrible gift can be very precious if you manage to grow strong enough so that you can reach out for the right people for you; you said you're dead except physically and i believe you, i know how it feels but i can also sense there's a plenty of life inside of you: you're still capable of love and this is the real precious thing: the love you still feel inside of you could save you.
I think you should be doing anything that can strenghten you at first, wether is psychotherapy or med-therapy or both. You need a caring, understandable and warm person to help you; your heart is still alive in spite of all the things you had to endure, you're not bitter or cynical; this is good, 'cause it means you're receptive, you have an open channel so that your heart can be healed.
You need meds also, that's for sure, that would be first line therapy; but it's not sufficient. Your wounds need to be soothed.
If i were you i'd try to gather all the info about "good pdocs" who are psychotherapists also. ; I'm not talking about a skillful person, i'm talking about a good, honest person at the core; (well, if he/she's skillful also, it's even better). i know it's hard, but you should be looking for him/her.
It's not about lacking of insight or being too neurotic to cope; very often it's just about being over-sensitive so that it's hard to get in to social situations; it's about looking for the good people with no avail; they could be near to you and you just pass over them; or they could be good one day and cold and uncaring the other day; you can be easily hurt at present time and you don't need that. You will have to fight, but ther's love after war.
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 18, 2002, at 8:13:43
In reply to Re: Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was , posted by Anna Laura on December 18, 2002, at 3:52:44
dear lonely-
when i was really bad(before hospital)
i found that posting here was helpful.
i have no true advice to give anyone but-
posting in reply to someone elses familiar pain,can make you feel more human.
keep posting
wishing you inner peace
jyl
Posted by Mikhail99 on December 18, 2002, at 8:56:02
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
> I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
> I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
> I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
> I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
> All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
> I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
> Why is the world so ugly? I need help.I'm just aching for you and how much pain you're in! You're right, the world is an ugly place but there is still love and humanity to be found. I'm hoping and praying that you won't do anything to hurt yourself or remove yourself from the world, you have so much love and sensitivity to offer, don't give up! Are you in therapy or seeing a doctor for your depression currently? Please know that there are people who care about what happens to you, I care what happens to you. Keep us posted!
Posted by ROO on December 18, 2002, at 9:00:47
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
"I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving
person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the
way that I do."
You sound like a very loving person, and sure of your ability to love. I admire
that about you. What I hate most about depression is that it usually makes me feel
incapable of love, and that's a real ugly feeling. I'm glad you don't feel that way--it's
a gift that you see yourself as a loving person...with lots of love in her heart to give.As trite as it sounds, it does sound like you need to pour some of that love into yourself.
Also I can see you doing some really beautiful volunteer work....it could really help ease
some of that loneliness, give some of that love away and get some back. I bet you'd be really
good at it.I wish I could give you a big hug and have a cup of tea with you and talk. I hate that
you're feeling so lonely and worst of all, hopeless. But it's not hopeless. I'm not
psychic or anything, but I just got this feeling while reading your post that things are going
to work out for you...you're really young, only 24, and there's plenty of time for you to work
things out. Because you feel you have so much love in your heart...I think once you learn to
love yourself...maybe "re-mother" yourself since you obviously did not have nurturing parents...I can
easily see you (once you've done that work) finding someone who sees how beautiful you are on the INSIDE
and thanking their lucky stars they have such a deep, loving partner.Hang in there...it will get better.
Posted by ShelliR on December 18, 2002, at 17:06:18
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
Phoenix girl,
I'm really sorry that you're feeling so lonely.
After the new year you might try to answer ads in your local paper; besides romantic ads, most papers also have a friend section: people looking for "just" friends. Obviously, lots of people (on this board and off) have problems making close friends, especially once you're out of school. (I do.) You could put an ad in for a friend(s) close to your age and put some things that you would enjoy doing (movies, getting coffee, whatever). That way when someone answers you KNOW that they are also finding it difficult to make friends. Just take it slow. And if you decide to try this, be very careful. Meet in a public place, etc.
Shelli
Posted by Ted on December 18, 2002, at 17:59:37
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
D,
You need to take control of yourself, difficult as that may seem. Here are some things you can try. Do them EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM just to get out, meet people, and socialize:
1. folk dancing of any kind. The neat thing about folk dancing is you do NOT need a partner!
2. volunteer work: hospital, homeless shelter, library, etc.
3. night class at a community college (painting, piano, astronomy -- doesn't matter).
4. Join an activity club: hiking, skiing, whatever.
5. Join a city athletic team. Soccer, tennis, and basketball are good choices.Did you change jobs yet? I know that was one of your difficulties. How about the training for the other job idea you had? Did you pursue anything? If not, why?
I don't mean to trivialize how you feel -- I felt the same as you for many years -- but we must all take responsibility for ourselves. When I was single, I went folk dancing 2 nights per week, hiking on weekends, AND I took a music class at a junior college only to meet girls (but the class was fun too). You have to get out and make it happen --- people won't come to you. Do whatever interests you, but make sure it isn't a women-only activity (like don't join a quilting guild).
(btw, I met my wife folk dancing, and we and another couple announced our engagements the same night. It works. really.)
Good luck and take care of yourself. Email if you want to talk more.
Ted
Posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 13:37:10
In reply to Re: Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead » PhoenixGirl, posted by Ted on December 18, 2002, at 17:59:37
PhoenixGirl,
I hope you are doing better. Great advice here and I, too, can understand what you are going through. I especially like Ted's advice. I've done so much better after I've realized I had to make it happen, make the best out of the cards I've been dealt, assert myself, and care less what other people think. Well, actually, I'm still struggling with that, esp. when it comes to family, but I'm working on it and you can too.
Good luck.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on January 2, 2003, at 0:33:39
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
Hello everyone. I want to write more extensive responses to the messages in my thread here. Right now I am awake because of insomnia and dread of going to work. My depression from the loneliness goes up and down, and on New Year's Eve it was hellish, like my head and entire body was in a vise. I saw my roommate go out and have fun, dating a guy and being with her friends. On television I saw all the happy people celebrating in Times Square as the ball dropped. It's hard not to feel sorry for yourself in a time like that, but I am trying not to because my dignity matters to me. Somehow this experience is teaching me something, leading me somewhere I am meant to be. Maybe I can help someone someday.
I am thinking about getting in touch with a nonprofit organization called "Compeer". It's dedicated to matching up volunteers with people who have mental illness and suffer in isolation. People volunteer with Compeer to spend time with a person with mental illness. The two meet up once a week to do something like watch a movie, have coffee, shop, etc. What do you guys think about this idea? Has anyone heard of Compeer? I don't know if the organization is active in a lot of places or what. I hope so, it sounds like a wonderful organization.
Well I'd like to respond more fully to each person's responses to me. Hopefully I can soon. I've been tired lately and I feel like I don't have myself together. XOXO to all of you beautiful souls.
Posted by Ed O`Flaherty on January 2, 2003, at 16:50:13
In reply to Re: Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on January 2, 2003, at 0:33:39
Dear Phoenixgirl,
You write very clearly of the intense mental pain you are suffering and obviosly you have suffered for much of your life.The future though can be bright.You obviously have a lot going for you but it seems like nothing to you at the moment.It reminds me of Shakespeare who said "There is no art to find the mind`s construction in the face".
At present helping others may be too much for you but why not get involved in some course you might like-writing perhaps or acting or joining a choir or some other pleasant activity.You could leave America and see some of the world-read www.fodors.com to see what others get out of travel.There is one point I noticed in your family history that may be relevant and which may not be dealt with by your psychiatrist.Manic Depression (or BP) is related in many cases to a dietary deficiency of long-chain chemicals called omega-3 fish oil.The condition is rare in Iceland then (0.2%) and common in Germany (6%).Depresssion is common in any country with low fish intake.Have a look at www.omega3.20megsfree.com for details.Good luck.
Ed O`Flaherty
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