Posted by Anna Laura on December 18, 2002, at 3:52:44
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
> I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
> I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
> I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
> I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
> All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
> I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
> Why is the world so ugly? I need help.
I know this might sound a bit harsh but the world can be ugly and people can be mean also, i won't lie to you; people are often envious too; you said you're smart and good-looking: people with these qualities always have a different struggle in life if they are over-sensitive.
On the other hand, this terrible gift can be very precious if you manage to grow strong enough so that you can reach out for the right people for you; you said you're dead except physically and i believe you, i know how it feels but i can also sense there's a plenty of life inside of you: you're still capable of love and this is the real precious thing: the love you still feel inside of you could save you.
I think you should be doing anything that can strenghten you at first, wether is psychotherapy or med-therapy or both. You need a caring, understandable and warm person to help you; your heart is still alive in spite of all the things you had to endure, you're not bitter or cynical; this is good, 'cause it means you're receptive, you have an open channel so that your heart can be healed.
You need meds also, that's for sure, that would be first line therapy; but it's not sufficient. Your wounds need to be soothed.
If i were you i'd try to gather all the info about "good pdocs" who are psychotherapists also. ; I'm not talking about a skillful person, i'm talking about a good, honest person at the core; (well, if he/she's skillful also, it's even better). i know it's hard, but you should be looking for him/her.
It's not about lacking of insight or being too neurotic to cope; very often it's just about being over-sensitive so that it's hard to get in to social situations; it's about looking for the good people with no avail; they could be near to you and you just pass over them; or they could be good one day and cold and uncaring the other day; you can be easily hurt at present time and you don't need that. You will have to fight, but ther's love after war.
poster:Anna Laura
thread:33524
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33541.html