Posted by jay on December 18, 2002, at 3:11:54
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
> I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
> I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
> I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
> I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
> All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
> I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
> Why is the world so ugly? I need help.Oh damn..I am *so* sorry you are feeling the way you do. I know it is NOT comforting...but I, and I imagine the many on this board, around the world, have had similar intense feelings, but again, that doesn't CHANGE your pain.
A couple of things first...and that is, do you have access to individual and/or group support/therapy? In times of acute pain like now, they may not seem good, but in the long run, they can prove helpful, especially for folks with what I like to call an 'existential' component to their depression. This means we really focus on the "What if's..." of depression, and tend to trivialize things, as deep and thinking people do. I *do* know the thoughts on your parents..and it is my folks love that has kept me going, at times. I would be mortally PETRIFIED if I took my life, only to ruin the little they have left. (They are both in their mid-60's) That would CRUSH me...and also I think of other loved ones around me. It may not be the ultimate, perfect defence, but USE that love, and DON'T let it go...because it is keeping you alive. What better reason, really...because we have TOO damn little love in this world. What better reason to survive for the love of the people who gave you life, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with them.
But, for your *immediate* relief...I'd say a couple of different meds may be helpful. For dysphoric mania, (i.e. can't sleep, extreme anger or sadness), I'd say likely a combination of say a HIGH potency benzodiazepine (at a CLINICAL dose), combined with either higher doses of the new atypical antipsychotics (at higher doses, they break the back of the extreme and intense anger and sadness, as well as any insomnia). Also, mood stabilizers might be warranted.
This is just MY opinion, but in crises like this, an antidepressant *alone* I don't think is good..at all.In fact, it has REALLY cranked up my intense emotions in the past. When I get that "dark" cloud, in my time of treatment, I have mobilized what keeps me alive, and you have to think of it like that. It's like an *emergency*..a crisis, and you must mobilize the troops, change positioning, plans, etc. Try to knock out the *intensity* of the symptoms with meds for mood stabilization (i.e. *not* antidepressants), and dive headfirst into it, if that means attending some type of therapy or support. (IMHO...maybe some have bad experiences with it...but *quality* support has a place.)
Please keep posting...and let us know how you make out. Sadly, especially in the past few years, the world *has* become ugly..selfish...careless..malevolent. Besides all the stuff about biology, my depression/anxiety is tied to my sensitivity to social conditions in the world, and when insensitive, greedy, thoughtless and violent people get in power or run the world, why shouldn't we become depressed?
"Don't let the bastards grind you down"..as easier said then done, I know.But..you are a caring soul UP ABOVE these people, above the violence, war, hatred, fear, and the very CHEAP, "smiley" faces of the pigs in power. Think Gandhi...Dalai Lama...Nobel Peace Prize winners like Jimmy Carter....Canadian Lester B. Pearson...enchanted Buddhists..etc.
Best...and peace in the night of the soul..amd please keep posting!Jay
poster:jay
thread:33524
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33538.html