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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by alesta on May 10, 2005, at 20:38:44
In reply to Re: Susan..or anyone who feels like rambling on... » alesta, posted by Susan47 on May 10, 2005, at 19:22:58
> Wow.
> I never thought of it like that, maybe now that I've envisioned my emotional scar (!!) I can try to heal it, it just came to me, and my shoulders are still burning.
> What were we talking about, I forgot.that..is..SO..cool..that you had a moment like that when you were talking to me. i love hearing sh$t like that..anyway..i don't know..we can talk about whatever you want..what's a good topic??????? let us ponder this.....aim
Posted by Susan47 on May 11, 2005, at 8:44:27
In reply to Re: well you STARTED it » sunny10, posted by alesta on May 10, 2005, at 12:08:30
You had to sell your violin?
That's horrible. I had to sell my piano when I left the marriage last year. It was heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking.
Posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 12:13:15
In reply to Re: well you STARTED it » alesta, posted by Susan47 on May 11, 2005, at 8:44:27
sooz..good...what is it now....afternoon! :-)
> You had to sell your violin?
> That's horrible. I had to sell my piano when I left the marriage last year. It was heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking.awww, susan, i'm sorry. that sounds like it was really difficult. you made it through, though..proud of ya.:-)
it was depressing to me, too, selling my violin..i haven't touched a violin in years..that was my artistic outlet, ya know?
that's awesome..the piano :)..the piano is a cool instrument..i wish i'd learned that or guitar..it would be easier to write songs if i could play those..
i'm kind of looking for an artistic outlet..can you think of any or do you have any other creative things you like to? any drawing or art of any kind? or...? i'm thinking of really learning to sing..i've always done it for fun, and i love singing karaoke.:) but maybe i'll take that up more seriously..do you like to sing, suzie? btw, that was a beautiful segway you did to this new topic....:)
actually, now that i think about this artistic hobby thing, i think i should probably stick to the area of music...i'm not a 'visual' artist and don't particularly enjoy drawing, etc.
amy;)
Posted by Susan47 on May 11, 2005, at 20:06:56
In reply to Re: well you STARTED it » Susan47, posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 12:13:15
Drawing is lovely, for me. I love it. But I never do it.
Taken a couple of drawing classes, I'd love to do it all the time. But something always stops me. Fear. Huge. Huge fear. Same with writing. I want to write stuff, even a diary, but I can't. I read it later and it all sounds stupid. It takes a few years of distance before I can read anything with any understanding about what was happening for me. I wish now that I'd kept the diary I started when I was 14.. and the scrapbook I had, I loved making this scrapbook. It's all gone, thrown away in a fit of young adulthood. You know, that I-can't-believe-that-was-me ...? It's never a good experience for me when I read what I wrote too soon, when I'm going through rapid change. It can take 10 years or more to look back on myself with amusement. Which is what it takes, you know, to come to acceptance, sometimes.
I ramble.
Posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 22:48:19
In reply to Re: well you STARTED it, posted by Susan47 on May 11, 2005, at 20:06:56
hey girl :) man i am pretty freaking tired tonite..i need to catch up on some sleep *majorly*..so i hope this post is at least intelligible on some level..and i'll try my best not to doze off here..:)
> Drawing is lovely, for me. I love it. But I never do it.
< Taken a couple of drawing classes, I'd love to do it all the time. But something always stops me. Fear. Huge. Huge fear.
why don't you just draw for fun, if you really enjoy it...not put any pressure on yourself..you don't have to show it to nobody.:)
< Same with writing. I want to write stuff, even a diary, but I can't. I read it later and it all sounds stupid. It takes a few years of distance before I can read anything with any understanding about what was happening for me. I wish now that I'd kept the diary I started when I was 14.. and the scrapbook I had, I loved making this scrapbook. It's all gone, thrown away in a fit of young adulthood. You know, that I-can't-believe-that-was-me ...? It's never a good experience for me when I read what I wrote too soon, when I'm going through rapid change. It can take 10 years or more to look back on myself with amusement. Which is what it takes, you know, to come to acceptance, sometimes.
> I ramble.why don't you just put pen to paper and see what happens? nothing catastrophic is gonna happen..you might just enjoy yourself.:)
i hear you concerning wishing you'd hung on to old diaries...years ago i threw away a diary i had starting writing in when i was 9 years old..boy would i like to get my hands on that sucker now, lol..
<and the scrapbook I had, I loved making this scrapbook. It's all gone, thrown away in a fit of young adulthood. You know, that I-can't-believe-that-was-me ...?
i understand exactly. i've thrown stuff like that away on impulse and later regretted it, too..anyway, i don't think you were looking for real advice, but just rambling, as you say, so i will segway for a moment...
since you're a musical/auditory type person like i am. do you find that people's voices are really important to you? i was curious whether a guy's voice is as important to you as it is to me. like, if a guy had a squeaky voice or something, i don't think i could handle it, lol..i love a sexy, compassionate tone to a guy's voice..or just a nice tone...a nice tone *is* sexy..you know what i mean..and the way he talks..ya gotta like his accent..you know that singer..john mayer i think his name is..he sings that song..your body is a wonderland, which i *hate*, but, anyway, for some reason his accent irritates the $%$% out of me..it's this subtle irritating accent when he sings. (haven't heard him talk.) i rarely react so strongly and negatively to an accent, but there is just something about his that drives me nuts! (in a bad way.) i don't think i could listen to that..know what i'm sayin..now i'm rambling..but that was the intention.......have a BEAUTIFUL night darling susan...wish i had a guy here with me to say that to, lol...know what i mean??? i *know* you do....:):):):)
bon nuit, susanne,
amy
Posted by alexandra_k on May 12, 2005, at 5:04:43
In reply to Re: Susan..or anyone who feels like rambling on..., posted by Susan47 on May 10, 2005, at 9:02:04
> I met an introvert here in my laundry room. He's a scientist. He looks in his thirties, mid- to late-, he's quite good-looking, but there's something about him that's too guileless or something. A bit fawning. It's hard for me to describe, it's like he doesn't know his own power yet, his power with people. That's the type I can't be attracted to. He doesn't own his power at all.
Hmm.
That sparked my interest.
I wonder what he thinks about?
I wonder if he feels passionate about it?
Sometimes guys like that can be just wonderful.
A bit of care and it brings them out of their shell.But I know what you mean.
There is a tendancy to be attracted to people who initially appear to be 'strong'.. Only trouble is they generally turn out to be verrrrrry insecure and weak or violent and abusive or whatever.
I wonder sometimes...
If the people who are trustworthy I'm incapable of falling for
And the people who I am capable of falling for would never really fall for me (or be trustworthy).So there is the dilemma and there it is
i dont know
Posted by alexandra_k on May 12, 2005, at 5:07:08
In reply to Re: cybersex, Alesta » alesta, posted by alesta on May 9, 2005, at 18:14:12
> hey alex, where you at? haven't seen you much lately..maybe if i respark our cybersex conversation you'll return???
Hiya. Sorry... Have been a bit busy lately... Missed the thread.
Be busy for the next few weeks... or so... I don't know...
I miss you guys
Posted by Susan47 on May 12, 2005, at 9:14:53
In reply to rambling....auditory importance... » Susan47, posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 22:48:19
No. A man? What's that? A memory. Right now I'm thinking about my ex-T's legs, I want to know what they look like. Because a man's legs can be sooooo sexy.
Voices ... you mentioned voices. My ex-T's voice is heavenly. Not because he's a therapist, but that's just the voice he has. He's very fortunate. Not everyone has that. Oh man, he's just gorgeous in so many ways. I wonder if he has a twin that would be interested in me. Sigh. I think he's ruined me, you know, for men. Because no one will ever be that satisfying again. (heavy heavy sigh)
Ew, speaking of lovely, I was watching some television for a few minutes last night, I saw Joey from Friends, he was wearin this gorgeous heavy sweater, you know, it accented the shoulders - big shoulders is another heavy attraction for me ... and all I thought about was, what does he smell like, under the arms, you know? I LOOOOOVE the way some men smell. It's their smell. The smell is heavenly. The smell of a man's pheromones will get me to instantly turn on.
Mmmmmm. I miss that smell soooo much.
Posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 9:55:03
In reply to Pffft, a GUY????? » alesta, posted by Susan47 on May 12, 2005, at 9:14:53
I know what you mean about particular men being different from all others dependent upon how they smell to us... but I'm usually hurt by the ones that smell "right" to me...
How 'bout you???
By the way- quick reality check... can you really be ruined for other men when you've NEVER EVEN SEEN HIS LEGS????? I think NOT, my love!!!
Have you stopped calling his machine yet? I want a quick time check... has it been three weeks since the last time you heard his voice yet???
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH,
sunny10
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 12:32:26
In reply to Pffft, a GUY????? » alesta, posted by Susan47 on May 12, 2005, at 9:14:53
> No. A man? What's that? A memory. Right now I'm thinking about my ex-T's legs, I want to know what they look like. Because a man's legs can be sooooo sexy.
> Voices ... you mentioned voices. My ex-T's voice is heavenly. Not because he's a therapist, but that's just the voice he has. He's very fortunate. Not everyone has that. Oh man, he's just gorgeous in so many ways. I wonder if he has a twin that would be interested in me. Sigh. I think he's ruined me, you know, for men.
no, he hasn't susan. it's probably just that you're still in love with him...it just feels that way right now, i think..
<Because no one will ever be that satisfying again. (heavy heavy sigh)
oh..poo! not true!!!
> Ew, speaking of lovely, I was watching some television for a few minutes last night, I saw Joey from Friends, he was wearin this gorgeous heavy sweater, you know, it accented the shoulders - big shoulders is another heavy attraction for me ... and all I thought about was, what does he smell like, under the arms, you know?
OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS?? hehehe you are so funny sometimes, miss suzie..i can't say that i've ever fantasized about a guys armpits...EVER!:)
<I LOOOOOVE the way some men smell. It's their smell. The smell is heavenly. The smell of a man's pheromones will get me to instantly turn on.
sh*t, *everything* gets me turned on..it's those d#mn hormones..gotta get ridda those.:) you know, isn't it interesting that the word hormone is composed of 'hor' and 'mone'....both word parts being associated with sexuality? anyway..see this is what happens when i go in to ramble mode....:)
> Mmmmmm. I miss that smell soooo much.
i miss...ummm..nevermind...:-)
amy;)
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 12:55:10
In reply to Pffft, a GUY????? » alesta, posted by Susan47 on May 12, 2005, at 9:14:53
no, but seriously, i didn't mean to imply it was about sex. i miss just having a guy in my thoughts...for me it's very mental....i don't need pheromones or any of that stuff to sustain my romantic feelings..
what do i keep talking about guys for? to quote my grandmother, "would not have one for THE WORLD!" hmm! now i know why she said that.:-) (no i'm not swearing off men forever! just let me whine (as you say :)) !
amelia
Posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 13:39:38
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY????? » Susan47, posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 12:55:10
the hor mone thing got me giggling, though...
Thanks!
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 17:11:22
In reply to Re: yeah, thought you wanted a subject change » alesta, posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 13:39:38
> the hor mone thing got me giggling, though...
> Thanks!
oh you're so welcome!
well, if you can come up with better subject material than men, miss sunny, by all means...let's hear it!:-) what the heck else is there to talk about of significance anyway? basket weaving, perhaps?:) just kidding....:) ...aim, aka one-track mind...
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 20:48:17
In reply to Re: cybersex, Alesta » alesta, posted by alesta on May 9, 2005, at 18:14:12
oh MAN i wanna have cybersex so bad tonight..i hate the night..it makes me horny. it reminds me of romanticism and...ugh! what is a girl to do?? i have got to control this...desire..before it controls me...
did i write that? holy #%$#!
Posted by Chairman_MAO on May 12, 2005, at 21:47:23
In reply to cybersex revisited, posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 20:48:17
This makes me think of my days up at Syracuse University (18-22 yr old). I was so goddamn lonely (and I am a hopeless romantic at heart), and the social phobia coupled with dysthymia (I'm scared to go try to meet girls ... so why bother; real winner of a combo there) had me isolating myself in my room. The only girls, as I said before, that seemed to want to have anything to do with me were the ones who were dating as*holes who needed a decent guy's shoulder to cry on when things weren't going according to their liking. I mean, once I showed up at this girl's place who I was madly in love with after Thankgiving break in these leather pants I just got, a grey alpaca v-neck sweater that used to be my dad's, and blue-black hair. She visibly like melted right there (though I couldn't see it then because I had approximately no self esteem), but still refused to go out with me or even do anything except make out with me because of this other emotionally abusive guy she was on the outs with. I had such trouble handling my emotions back then; I used to agonize for literally hours if she didn't call me when she said she would. Man, I wish I were well then, I would've had so much fun.
And to top it off, the girl I'm dating now--who I met at Rutgers, in NJ--was ATTENDING Syracuse when I was there, and she was lonely too! Man, I had no idea my life was so well suited to daytime TV until I started typing this message, haha.
Posted by Susan47 on May 12, 2005, at 22:00:29
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY????? » Susan47, posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 12:32:26
I would Looooooove to have a dirty shirt of my ex-T's. Major many many O's ...
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 22:19:26
In reply to Re: cybersex revisited » alesta, posted by Chairman_MAO on May 12, 2005, at 21:47:23
> This makes me think of my days up at Syracuse University (18-22 yr old). I was so goddamn lonely (and I am a hopeless romantic at heart), and the social phobia coupled with dysthymia (I'm scared to go try to meet girls ... so why bother; real winner of a combo there) had me isolating myself in my room.
yeah, i guess i am lonely. i live with my mom right now (looooong story) so i can't really date or go out or anything, unless she chaperones, lol. i plan to have my own apartment ASAP. anyway, i just got out of, well, 2 relationships (second was very short), actually, so i feel this void..more from the second than the first..i am totally over the first. anyway, i guess it's that void that i'm trying to fill. i guess what i really need to do is get over that person totally? i don't know what i'm feelin right now or why..it just manifests as horniness lol. i was f-i-n-e fine being on my own before this person. i just want to go back to the way i was. now. sorry..hope this isn't more info than you were willing to digest..if so, my sincere apologies chairman..:)
<The only girls, as I said before, that seemed to want to have anything to do with me were the ones who were dating as*holes who needed a decent guy's shoulder to cry on when things weren't going according to their liking. I mean, once I showed up at this girl's place who I was madly in love with after Thankgiving break in these leather pants I just got, a grey alpaca v-neck sweater that used to be my dad's, and blue-black hair. She visibly like melted right there (though I couldn't see it then because I had approximately no self esteem), but still refused to go out with me or even do anything except make out with me because of this other emotionally abusive guy she was on the outs with.
sorry to hear that...just b/c a relationship is over doesn't mean it's *over*, if you know what i mean..you can't expect a girl in that situation to be able to just feel deep feelings for you..it don't work that way.:) so maybe you won't take it so personally, knowing that...i hope....:)
<I had such trouble handling my emotions back then; I used to agonize for literally hours if she didn't call me when she said she would. Man, I wish I were well then, I would've had so much fun.
i know what you mean..tainted love is agony!!
> And to top it off, the girl I'm dating now--who I met at Rutgers, in NJ--was ATTENDING Syracuse when I was there, and she was lonely too!
that IS weird!:)
<Man, I had no idea my life was so well suited to daytime TV until I started typing this message, haha.
yeah, lol...i think i know the feeling. somehow typing all this stuff out makes you realize that you had a h$ll of a lot more drama in your life than you first realized.
thanks for letting me vent. i'm doing a lot of that lately, lol.:)
amy:)
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 22:37:26
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY?????, posted by Susan47 on May 12, 2005, at 22:00:29
> I would Looooooove to have a dirty shirt of my ex-T's. Major many many O's ...
:-) eeew susan..whatever works
ya gotta get over this dude!!!
if only there was a safe drug out there that made you feel like you were in love. that would be the bomb.
i need to get 'love' and all its constituents out of my system. i think maybe i need to avoid exes. change my life so as to avoid seeing them at all. it's the only way. carrying that out will be the hard part. god, i hate it when i think rationally like this.
amy
Posted by alexandra_k on May 12, 2005, at 22:53:11
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY????? » Susan47, posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 22:37:26
> if only there was a safe drug out there that made you feel like you were in love. that would be the bomb.
There is.
It is called 'chocolate'
Posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 23:02:09
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY????? » alesta, posted by alexandra_k on May 12, 2005, at 22:53:11
> > if only there was a safe drug out there that made you feel like you were in love. that would be the bomb.
>
> There is.
> It is called 'chocolate'
>well! she appears!:) you know, that is a really great suggestion. i knew i should've gotten me some nestle crunches at the grocery store..i have chocolate chip cookies but there's not enough chocolate in those..
aim
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:42:02
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY????? » alexandra_k, posted by alesta on May 12, 2005, at 23:02:09
I'm serious.
Someone probably knows...
Chocolate has something in it...
It causes some chemical to be released in the brain...
A chemical which seems to only be released when you are in love...mmm
chocolate
:-)
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 9:00:12
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY?????, posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:42:02
how 'bout a trip to the local sextoy shop???
Geez, you don't need the GUY, just some good fantasies (no, Suze, not ex-T... HEALTHY fantasies... maybe a movie star you think is hot or something?) and a plug-in or battery operated device...
Sorry, chairman, this is NOT about anti-guy... it's about learning how to please yourself so that you can LOVE a man like chairman, not NEED a guy like ex-T or the drug-using ex, et cetera.
Love is so much better when it's something you want instead of something you need.
We need to separate basic human needs (horniness) from relationships (love and respect and intimacy and goodness).
When you have a good relationship, the sex is always good.... but when you have good sex it doesn't mean the relationship is good...
So let's focus on starting relationships after we learn to satisfy the NEED for sex by ourselves...
What do you think of my theory????
Posted by Susan47 on May 13, 2005, at 9:30:01
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY?????, posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 9:00:12
I don't think a movie star is a healthier fantasy than my ex-T. They're both fantasies. Fantasies are supposed to be okay. I'm not fantasizing about anybody but I do appreciate sexiness IRL. Also all the wonderful extras people have, like compassion, humour, gentleness and kindness. I'm just saying, right now my ex-T is the only guy I appreciate that way. That's all. Doesn't mean I'll never know another, just that for me, they're hard to come by.
Example. There's a nurse on my ward everybody thinks, including himself, that he's good-looking. And he is, in a traditional sense. But he's lacking. There's something missing. You know, it might be the thing you can only get in the therapy room, though. I suppose life will tell me, eventually. But no, I've seen it in other men too.
I don't intend to work too hard on "getting over" my ex-T. Because he was worth it. He set a standard. Maybe it was fictional, what I felt. That's what I mean by "ruining" me. Maybe I'll never come across that feeling again, of being accepted and cared about by someone I felt was really a lovely human being and someone I cared about as well. I didn't show it to him because I couldn't. But I'll never forget it. I never intend to. It was a gift. This beautiful man, in his imperfection, gave me a wonderful gift, and I have no way of ever thanking him or seeing him ever again. I suppose that's the tragedy of therapy. You have to come to your own conclusions. I make no more excuses. What happened, just was. If I want to hang onto it, that's my business. If I want to talk about it, that's also my right. No excuses. I felt love; it was mixed with my sexuality in a wonderful way and I enjoyed that too. I miss that I can't have it anymore. I hope one day I have it IRL, if I don't, that'll be a loss I have to live with. It might've been good to be disabused of my notions, because maybe they're unreal. My T didn't have the "right stuff" to disabuse me, and maybe that was a blessing in disguise too. But I gave him the chance to right things, and he took it as much as he was allowed to. He did. He tried really hard, and he proved that he was worth all the love I gave.
Posted by Chairman_MAO on May 13, 2005, at 9:44:23
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY????? » alesta, posted by alexandra_k on May 12, 2005, at 22:53:11
> if only there was a safe drug out there that made you feel like you were in love. that would be the bomb.
Oxytocin and vasopressin, administered at the right times, can do that to some extent, I think.
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 10:12:26
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY?????, posted by Susan47 on May 13, 2005, at 9:30:01
Sorry; guess I'm just confused.
I thought you wrote that you understood that he was emotionally abusing you.
Is that a good lesson to learn, as in to strive for someone who treats you like that??
Have I missed something. I feel like I've missed something important.
I certainly don't ever mean to demean any of your feelings. I MUST be missig pieces.
Let me apologize for being wrapped in my own confusion these days... I am very apparently not up to speed and I didn't mean to make you feel put down in any way.
So, take my post and instead of it saying "not your ex-T, Suze", make it say "not someone who you have very real feelings for; whether good or bad".... I really just meant to make it all about YOU; not emotion except love for yourself.
Sorry for being dazed and confused and thus using an incorrect reference...
humbly,
sunny10
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