Posted by Susan47 on May 13, 2005, at 9:30:01
In reply to Re: Pffft, a GUY?????, posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 9:00:12
I don't think a movie star is a healthier fantasy than my ex-T. They're both fantasies. Fantasies are supposed to be okay. I'm not fantasizing about anybody but I do appreciate sexiness IRL. Also all the wonderful extras people have, like compassion, humour, gentleness and kindness. I'm just saying, right now my ex-T is the only guy I appreciate that way. That's all. Doesn't mean I'll never know another, just that for me, they're hard to come by.
Example. There's a nurse on my ward everybody thinks, including himself, that he's good-looking. And he is, in a traditional sense. But he's lacking. There's something missing. You know, it might be the thing you can only get in the therapy room, though. I suppose life will tell me, eventually. But no, I've seen it in other men too.
I don't intend to work too hard on "getting over" my ex-T. Because he was worth it. He set a standard. Maybe it was fictional, what I felt. That's what I mean by "ruining" me. Maybe I'll never come across that feeling again, of being accepted and cared about by someone I felt was really a lovely human being and someone I cared about as well. I didn't show it to him because I couldn't. But I'll never forget it. I never intend to. It was a gift. This beautiful man, in his imperfection, gave me a wonderful gift, and I have no way of ever thanking him or seeing him ever again. I suppose that's the tragedy of therapy. You have to come to your own conclusions. I make no more excuses. What happened, just was. If I want to hang onto it, that's my business. If I want to talk about it, that's also my right. No excuses. I felt love; it was mixed with my sexuality in a wonderful way and I enjoyed that too. I miss that I can't have it anymore. I hope one day I have it IRL, if I don't, that'll be a loss I have to live with. It might've been good to be disabused of my notions, because maybe they're unreal. My T didn't have the "right stuff" to disabuse me, and maybe that was a blessing in disguise too. But I gave him the chance to right things, and he took it as much as he was allowed to. He did. He tried really hard, and he proved that he was worth all the love I gave.
poster:Susan47
thread:492110
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/497257.html