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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on November 8, 2004, at 12:39:16
hi all,
I would like some advice from the group. I've posted similar queries before, but hopefully you can be patient with me & offer your help again.Here's my situation: A woman I know is trying to become very "best" friends with me. She calls all the time, gives me gifts. call her much less frequently, and when I do, I'm cooler and don't make plans to get together. I hoped she'd get the message that I wasn't interested in being her great best friend, but more of a once-in-a-while luncheon-catch-up friend.
But she's not getting it. She keeps calling and leaving long and sort of desperate messages, saying "I miss you sooo much" and "let's get together soon," in a wistful way. When we DO get together she's overly clingly and tries to push the friendship too fast.
I don't like this person and I don't want to be her friend. I feel horrible saying that HERE and would feel worse saying it to HER. But I can't deal with this relentless invasive calling from her! I feel mean. But I just don't want to hang out with her.
Do I need to come out and SAY this to her? (aarrrggghhh!) Should I just keep being distant and hope that with time she'll get it?
What would you do?
thanks!
JenStar
Posted by ron1953 on November 8, 2004, at 13:07:40
In reply to would like advice from my babble buddies, posted by JenStar on November 8, 2004, at 12:39:16
Jen:
I recommend honesty. You've tried everything else to no avail. You're not responsible for this person but you are responsible for yourself. Since she is negatively affecting your quality of life, you have no logical choice other than to cut it off now and move on. Agonizing over it will do neither of you any good. You'll the be better off, and she can move on to seek a mutual friendship.
Ron
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 8, 2004, at 13:39:10
In reply to would like advice from my babble buddies, posted by JenStar on November 8, 2004, at 12:39:16
Jen,
I can soooo relate! My usual MO is to avoid her at all costs. Not call her back. Avoid her calls through the wonder of Caller ID, and so on. However, it sounds as if she is NOT getting the hint!
Ron makes a lot of sense of course. Men are so much more direct and logical about these things.
Can you just say you have a lot on your plate right now and have no time for get togethers, etc?
Posted by sunny10 on November 8, 2004, at 13:39:14
In reply to Re: would like advice from my babble buddies, posted by ron1953 on November 8, 2004, at 13:07:40
yeah, I gotta go with Ron on this one...I've BEEN that clingy friend in the past, and I still HAVE one calling occasionally, whom I calmly listen to for about a minute, and then say I have to go. I have established boundaries now, and I won't let her through them again. I had literally answered her every desperate call, been late to work in the morning becuase of a middle of the night phone call/emergence visit- only to have her MARRY the guy she had been upset about those sooooo many times. And then SHE was too busy to squeeze ME in her busy schedule??!! She has the cojones to still call once in a while- when she's bored. You are more than a patsy, and so am I. Nip her in the bud!
At neither time did I feel "healthy" until I put my foot down. Sounds like you are over that co-dependent stage already, by your choice of words....you already know what you need to do... ask her to stop calling... don't move backwards!
You said all of that yourself in your post. We are definitely backing you on this one! Your instincts are good.
-sunny10
Posted by partlycloudy on November 11, 2004, at 14:31:32
In reply to would like advice from my babble buddies, posted by JenStar on November 8, 2004, at 12:39:16
I've had needy friends like that in the past, too. I think I was flattered that someone felt they needed my conversation and compassion; but after one too many Me Me Me talks, I started to withdraw. I was too much of a chicken**** to say anything to her directly (can you say non-confrontational? how about scaredy cat?), so I'd avoid calls with caller ID, or cut calls short with a lame exuse like burning my popcorn in the microwave. Sometimes people like that show up at your front door, at which time a highly contagious "stomach bug" will get rid of anyone quickly. Just keep running to the toilet.
Ooh, I am mean, aren't I?
pc
Posted by JenStar on November 11, 2004, at 18:27:29
In reply to Re: would like advice from my babble buddies, posted by partlycloudy on November 11, 2004, at 14:31:32
no, you're not mean! You just like to avoid conflict...like me. I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of -- would the world end if I let her know we're not going to be friends?
Anway, thanks to you (and all the others) for your advice. I appreciate it! :)
JenStar
Posted by 64bowtie on November 12, 2004, at 20:35:26
In reply to would like advice from my babble buddies, posted by JenStar on November 8, 2004, at 12:39:16
JenStar,
My primative self from my torrid past would just make about three appointments for lunch, or dinner, or coffee, only to stand her up. After the third time, things would slow down. You think she's gonna make an appointment just to be stood up?
Today, I don't condone coercion and deceipt. I suggest you go directly to her. Take a mutual friend as a "buffer" zone if somehow she intimidates you. Whatever the outcome of the conversation, you will have peace and freedom from the situation you feel you are in right now. Your peace of mind is a commodity worth taking care of.
In a future sense, ask yourself why you so easily give over your power to this other person. Giving over your power is what you do by trying to be friendly to someone you don't even like. You ascribe some level of allegience to them, allowing them to manipulate (control) the conversations.
You are worth so much more than this.... Best of luck. She doesn't really wield much power. Just tell her what you think and move on, allowing "time 'n' tides" to pass to fill in the rest...!
Rod
Posted by JenStar on November 12, 2004, at 21:14:00
In reply to Re: would like advice.... » JenStar, posted by 64bowtie on November 12, 2004, at 20:35:26
Rod, thanks for the advice. You're right about letting the other person take too much power. I may have done that because I was so flattered that she saw me as a 'saviour' or a 'great helper' or a 'great friend.' It's very ego-stroking to have someone act like you're the best thing since sliced bread! Of course, it was sort of hollow and not the kind of friendship I like. Once I got sucked in I felt bad saying no.
It probably all goes back to my childhood when I had bad gradeschool experiences (kids made fun of me a lot). I always, always wanted to be liked. Although I THINK I'm past that, apparently I'm not really. Sometimes I get too overwhelmed ("You like me! You really, really LIKE me!"). Couple that with a soft heart and you get a messy situation.
Anyway, thanks again!
take care,
JenStar
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