![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on August 7, 2011, at 11:55:45
After her vacation and my reaction to that, I was finally settling back into therapy and trusting the relationship once again. My weekend was full and I felt okay about me socially. I went to a pool party and actually got in a bathing suit and swam (the fact that it was frickin' hot outside was motivating). I was looking forward to sharing my weekend since rediscovering those loving feelings towards her - that she really did care.
Then BAM.
On Thursday I asked her if she had a time to see me on Tuesday. We are taking our son to camp that afternoon. She offered me 9:40 a.m. I asked her if I could get back to her after talking to my husband --- I wasn't sure when he wanted to leave AND I take an exercise class Tuesday morning @ 8 --- so I would be hot and sweaty (wouldn't have time to go home and change) but I did like the appt time ... gave me the afternoon to get my son ready and load the car, etc.
I didn't have a chance to speak to my husband until Friday nite. I was gone the entire day and evening was full. Saturday MORNING I sent her a text that the time will work, but I might be a little self conscious being in my work out clothes. No reply.
This morning I come out of exercise class and she sent me this text: "I am very sorry that I no longer have the 9:40 available. I do have a 4:40 though, would you prefer that?"
I replied: "Really? That's disappointing. We are taking xyz to camp that afternoon, leaving @ 3. Did you forget you offered the time to me? So 4:40 does not work at all. I got back to you Saturday before noon. It's not like I waited until Monday morning to tell you. I am so hurt."
An hour later she sent this reply: "I am sincerely sorry you are feeling hurt. Goodness knows that was not my intention. We can talk on Monday."I sent this back: "What was your intention? I would never do that (as a business person myself). If a manufacteur rep asked to see me and I gave her a date/time but she didn't get back to me right away, then another rep asked for that same day/time, I would call/text/e-mail rep #1 and letting her know I need an answer. You dismissed me. So hurt. Just when I begin to trust this relationship - BOOM - you remind me not to."
It is me - or were she actions rude? or does that suck? or both?
I think she forgot she offered me that time - or maybe I hope she forgot because that is the only explanation that sits ok with me ... choosing someone else over me intentionally feels a lot worse.Of course, I am now having a hard time wanting to go to my appointment on Monday at all. I am so angry inside.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2011, at 13:53:26
In reply to Finally trusting the relationship, and then this -, posted by annierose on August 7, 2011, at 11:55:45
((( Annierose )))
I'd feel hurt, too. I agree that she should have called you before giving away the time.
Perhaps my therapist isn't the best person to judge by, but when I call for an appointment, he checks his book. If it's not written down in the book, he might well not remember that he's discussed the time slot. I'm that way myself. I rely on my lists, and if something isn't written down I likely won't remember it. Even if it's important to me.
(Mind you I do still occasionally remind him of the time his tooth broke and he absentmindedly *scratched off* my name from his calender to put in a dentist appointment, then forgot to tell me.)
I'm absolutely one hundred percent positive that she didn't deliberately choose someone over you. Even my most cynical internal voice would tell me that that isn't something a therapist would do with a long term, more than once a week, client. And that's the most cynical voice I own!
My more reasonable voice would say that it was an error she probably very much regrets. If this happens again, would it be possible to have her pencil you in and tell her you'll call if you can't make it? Or at least it will be a reminder for her to call you to check before she grants it to anyone else?
Now, mind you, I would be very distressed by the overtones of sibling rivalry and probably would have some thoughts of not being loved enough to be remembered. No matter how much I reminded myself that life happens and even the most alert and organized person, such as my husband, can forget something that isn't written down.
If she did write it down and then crossed it off, I will join you in a verbal tongue lashing and you have my permission to remember it for over five years, as I have.
Posted by lucielu2 on August 7, 2011, at 17:30:47
In reply to Re: Finally trusting the relationship, and then this - » annierose, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2011, at 13:53:26
It sounds like she screwed up. I agree that it seems very unlikely that she would give up your appt on purpose.
Is there any chance she could rearrange any of her other appts so you could make a Tuesday morning? My T has done that before, not often, but he has. He has also called me on a few occasions and asked if another (specific) time would be as convenient, without pressuring me at all, and I've always agreed. Because I know that he has done the same for me at times, and we have done this for each other because we both have some flexibility. But that wouldn't work for everyone.
Be that as it may, I can understand your being very angry with her. She let you down. It is always worse when you are in a particularly trusting place to be disappointed by someone you care about.
Posted by lucielu2 on August 7, 2011, at 17:46:06
In reply to Re: Finally trusting the relationship, and then this - » Dinah, posted by lucielu2 on August 7, 2011, at 17:30:47
I'm sorry, I made a bad suggestion. I was thinking in practical terms, without recognizing that it could be setting things up for you to be even angrier at your T. However her scheduling works, I'm sure she would take it back now if she could. Wasn't thinking - Lucie
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 7, 2011, at 19:14:29
In reply to Re: Finally trusting the relationship, and then this - » annierose, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2011, at 13:53:26
I would figure she thought, since you were ambivalent and didn't get right back to her, that the time was still open to other patients. My p-doc, when I schedule an extra session or call him on the phone for an appointment and he suggests a time, will always say, get back to me right away and let me know if that will work for you, since I am pretty loaded up that day. So if I didn't call until two days later, I would figure the time is already scheduled with someone else.
Posted by Anemone on August 7, 2011, at 21:33:13
In reply to Finally trusting the relationship, and then this -, posted by annierose on August 7, 2011, at 11:55:45
Hi Annierose,
I can understand how angry you are, you were looking forward to feeling the caring and trust in this relationship again, and she disappointed you. I know how upsetting it feels to be mad at one's T.
From reading the texting between you both, I can tell you are really hurt, and also that your T didn't mean to hurt you. I get the feeling that from your perspective, you think it'd be polite for her to call you to double check with you before giving the time away, while perhaps she thought since you didn't call back, it meant you didn't want the time?
Maybe my relationship with my T is different from yours, but hopefully it will be helpful to you if I share.When my T offers me a time, if I don't call her back to confirm I want that time, she assumes I don't want it and offers it to another client. I feel pressure to call back ASAP to confirm the time, because she gives it away to another client if I don't call.
I guess you don't treat your reps this way, so you wish your T also would treat you like you treat your reps.
I can feel your pain and hurt. It's never fun to be mad at T. I hope you will manage to go see her anyway, so you can yell at her and let her hear you.
Sending you invisible heart balloons of soothing good wishes.
Posted by annierose on August 7, 2011, at 21:58:31
In reply to Re: Finally trusting the relationship, and then this - » annierose, posted by Anemone on August 7, 2011, at 21:33:13
(I'm so bad at individual replies when I'm going to bed ...)
Thank you for replying. It helps me gain perspective when I read everyone's point of view.
I had friends over for dinner (the kind that don't know I go to therapy) so my brain was trying to be in the moment and enjoy the summer evening, and perplexed as to what I wanted to do tomorrow morning: go or not.
To clarify what LucieLu said, my T did offer a later time but that does not work for me.
After reading your posts, it sounds like I didn't reply soon enough to my t's offer. I guess I didn't know it had an expiration time attached to it. And you are probably right - in her mind - I let a day go by without confirming the appointment. I will point out to her that she let a day go by (after I sent my text confirming the appointment) telling me she already gave it to someone else.
I am still hurt. And I don't want to go. But I am going away on business next week so I'd rather straighten this out sooner rather than later ... although I'm sure tomorrow will not go well.
I was excited when our company left this evening so I could go on line and see if anyone posted a reply. It brought my spirits up and will help me rest easier tonight.
The therapeutic relationship is so hard.
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2011, at 9:22:29
In reply to Re: to everyone ..., posted by annierose on August 7, 2011, at 21:58:31
Let us know how it goes. It might help to come up with a protocol for future occasions. So that both of you will be on the same page when she offers an appointment time, and you aren't sure. Does that mean you have to respond within a certain period of time? Is she blocking that time aside for you until you call? Will she call before she gives the time to someone else?
I think any policy is ok, as long as it is clearly defined to avoid misunderstandings. So this can be an opportunity to clarify that policy.
Posted by annierose on August 8, 2011, at 10:24:11
In reply to Re: to everyone ... » annierose, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2011, at 9:22:29
So I did see her today. She agreed it was a huge misunderstanding. And to my way of thinking, REALLY huge. She assumed that I would get back to her immediately (as in - within an hour or so). This had NEVER been my understanding, and I have seen this therapist for close to 8 (gulp) years. And I am not an appointment flip flopper. I am reliable. I come to all my appointments, I never cancel last minute and I rarely ask for appt changes. I still feel she treated my request and her offer rather flippantly (is that a word?).
She said that she cannot hold two appointments for the same client in one day and she was not clear of my intentions and did not understand that the later time was not good for me at all. [Originally I had scheduled a 1:40 appt] So a few hours later on that same day - she gave the earlier appointment to someone else - without a pause, without a thought - that she already offered it to me. THAT's the part I don't understand. It's rude ... especially considering my history with her. And in my thinking, I already told her that I couldn't make the 1:40 and wondered if she had other availability.
So yes, now we are clear on her "rules" for scheduling an appointment. But I still feel punched in the gut.
She gives me this example. "Imagine we are on a ship and you fall off. I'm on deck trying to get you to safety and offering you a towel." I reply, "But you're the one who pushed me off the boat to begin with ..." And with that, I smile to myself ... because that's how I feel.
I'm not as angry now. I did work through a lot of that today with her - but we agree to disagree and now know if the future - her "offers" have an hour expiration attached to them.
I do understand that she cannot run a practice with clients holding onto 2 appointments a day. I get that. But in my head, I had already canceled the later one and needed to confirm with my husband that the earlier one would work.
Posted by annierose on August 8, 2011, at 10:28:43
In reply to Re: to everyone ... » annierose, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2011, at 9:22:29
I guess that is what we did today ... go over her policy so I am now clear on her expectations when she offers me a different time.
I agree that any policy is okay as long as both parties know the policy but it seems so often in the case of therapy, we learn the policy the hard way - by bumping into it and watching us implode.
These "ouch" moments remind me why I'm in therapy in the first place. But they also send me in the opposite direction - doubting that people (my t included) like me and are quick to dump me at the earliest opportunity.
How did your minor surgery go? Is your t finally back to work full weeks?
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2011, at 21:14:59
In reply to Re: to everyone ... » Dinah, posted by annierose on August 8, 2011, at 10:28:43
Boy, I know that place well. Except perhaps that I rarely get close enough to people to allow them the chance to dump me. My default assumption is that people don't particularly like me, and I operate on that basis.
He is back, and he seems to to be doing well. I think he's way more resilient than I am long term, though he isn't so very good in a crisis (by which I mean *his* crises). I'm doing ok too. I've added Risperdal to my daily meds for the short term because my anxiety was skyrocketing and I was getting pretty obsessive. And a bit depressed I suppose. But that wasn't unexpected after even the most minor surgery. My body just doesn't like stress. My blood sugars are way up too. I suppose I should check to see what to do with regard to insulin when I'm stressed.
I'm glad you were able to work the issue out with her this session (for the most part). Is that a sign of improvement in your relationship? It is best to understand the policy, but I have to say she's tough. An hour isn't really very long. So she operates on the basis that a time is free until you're ready to check out, so to speak? She's not willing to hang the time behind the counter for longer than an hour? I'm not really sure about my therapist. I tend to accept an appointment time and tell him I'll cancel if I can't make it. Which is likely more inconvenient for him.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.