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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
I am seeing a new T, one since my T of many years retired. I have a college degree and a post college degree in a profession. I paid my way through all of these. You don't get through all these classes and get admitted to programs with poor manners. If I had bad manners I would have been kicked out of all the classes and programs. I am truly insulted the T said she thinks I am lacking in the manners area. She says she doesn't like the things I say to her. But the things I say to her are how I feel. For example, she doesn't seem like she has that much experience and I have commented upon that. I don't consider that poor manners. Am I supposed to put on some phony hat before I go into her office and "be on good behavior" or am I supposed to be who I am really am behind closed doors and let her get to know that person. I am so angry that she would tell me, someone with a doctorate in a very hard profession that my manners stink. Would you take that? I am furious! She says she doesn't like the way I speak to her but I don't curse her or verbally abuse her so who in God's name is she to judge my manners. I am about ready to go through the roof. Comments please.
Posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:32:56
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
PS: I am not trying to be a snob or act conceited or better than others. I feel she was showing bad manners by saying "I" have bad manners. My feelings are deeply hurt. I was in therapy for years with the former therapist. Over a 30 year period and she never once said I have bad manners, not once! And no other doctor I see thinks I have bad manners. In fact many have said I am one of their favorite patients because I am so plesant. New T is a *itch. I said that before and I will say that again. She says "I don't want you talking to me the way you do". The thing is I don't talk any different to her than I do anyone else. I am about to cry. I am so hurt.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 4, 2010, at 19:48:08
In reply to Re: T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:32:56
Hi, Fries. I'm so sorry. I can imagine how hurt you are. Two things occur to me (and please take both with a grain of salt, as obviously I speak from my personal experiences):
1) You are perhaps harsher than you realize with this T because you are still upset about losing your former T. That's how that would work for me -- I'd have a hard time not comparing new T to old T.
2) New T has a more direct, blunt manner and it comes across more harshly than she means.
I think the thing you have to do is ask for specifics and tell her how hurt you are. I know I spent years with my T working on my approach, which tends to be blunt and straightforward and which not everyone appreciates. :-)
No matter what, I'm sorry you're hurting and wish I could do something to help.
(((((((((((((((((Fries))))))))))))))))))
Posted by emmanuel98 on January 4, 2010, at 20:22:41
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
This is the same T who said you had hurt her feelings by calling something she said stupid, right? And the one you said has an attitude problem? Why are you in therapy? If one of the issues you want to work on is improving relationships because you p*ss people off, then stick with her and listen to what she has to say. But if, as you suggest, you've never had this problem with someone else before, then maybe it's time to write her off and find a new T.
Posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 21:00:16
In reply to Re: T says I have poor manners! I am very upset! » rnny, posted by TherapyGirl on January 4, 2010, at 19:48:08
Thank you Therapy Girl. Much of what you said rings a bell with me. (((TG))))
Posted by tetrix on January 5, 2010, at 11:31:14
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
Hi rnny, while I dont know why you are in therapy and what is the nature of your relationship with your T, I can tell you that I have been at time a very rude ( in subtle way) and condescending client. While I do like my T, I often question her competence, her experience and make rather inappropriate comments.
My T never commented on my behaviour and I think she realizes that it has a therapeutic value.
Posted by lingonberry on January 5, 2010, at 14:25:49
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
Hi rnny,
Sometimes, I also have been pretty rude with my T. I didnt see it because it was, like tetrix sad, so subtle, and also, I had a great investment thinking of myself as very nice and compassionate, and because of that, I had a hidden agenda to not discover my bad behaviour. And sometimes I raised doubts against his approach in a very grumbling way. I thought that I took more responsibility for my behaviour than I actually did at the time. I had issues with speaking up and instead of focusing on my own feelings and needs and talk about them in a proper way I was mad at him for not reading my mind and my anger came out in a subtle way. I was kind of insolent, not so much but nevertheless, quite insolent. I acted in a passive- aggressive way and I had, let me put it this way (LOL), a great reluctance against criticism. I often interpreted what he said like critic. At that time, I havent discovered that there is always an internal conversation going on inside my mind and therefore, Im always reacting on my own thoughts.
My T has never said anything about my manners. He is always very kind, just sits there, and radiates love and compassion. And because of that, my bad behaviour was reflected back to me and i didn´t liked what I saw. By doing that he taught me how to interact with others.
I dont know you and have no clue whats going on in your mind or between you and your T rrny, but I hope you will sort things out very soon. Its always tuff not getting along with T.
Lingonberry
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 5, 2010, at 15:11:44
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
This is a simple one!!
JEALOUSY...I've read that 99.9% of what people say or do negatively towards you is about...
JEALOUSY!
Posted by annierose on January 5, 2010, at 16:33:04
In reply to Re: T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 5, 2010, at 15:11:44
... or it could be her t is trying to help her see herself in ways others might see her
... isn't that part of their job ... if we are having issues with relationships, maybe there is something we are not aware of when we relate to other people.
Posted by Verloren on January 5, 2010, at 23:31:33
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
Rnny, I so sorry it's seeming like you and your T are just not "clicking". That's very frustrating.
I also feel similar to tetrix and lingonberry. I have muttered comments under my breath toward my T and have even become snotty when she didn't say/do something I agreed with.
I also get very frustrated when I feel she isn't pulling her weight. After all, she went to school for this and spends each day in her profession. Not only should she be at the top of her psychoanalyst game, she should also be extremely nurturing, respectful, guiding, and above all agreeable. But it isn't like that. I expect all these wonderfully insightful things from her that I forget it's not about how savvy she is, it's about the process and me within this process. Her and I have disagreed to the point where I yelled at her and told her "do NOT say another word". Thinking back, I probably really hurt her feelings and should apologize, but I like taking for granted the fact that she can't/won't say much to upset me or anything she thinks will rile me up.
Your T, on the other hand, seems to not hold back and maybe she feels that's the best approach for you. I would definitely suggest having a calm and sincere heart-to-heart with her and let her know how it makes you feel. This is the T that said you hurt her feelings, right? Well, it seems like she has hurt yours, so please talk with her and make sure she knows that.
You guys may not be meshing so well and if she's good, then she has picked up on that. And if she's picking up on resentment you have toward her for not being your other T, then she could be exhibiting counter-transference in response. And she acts it out by saying you hurt her feelings, or your manners need improvement, etc.
Talk it out and see if you guys can work through it. If not then consider your other options.Good luck and let me know how it goes.
(lol, and all this from Verloren who is never usually this insightful when it comes to her own problems)
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 6, 2010, at 10:30:48
In reply to Re: T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by Verloren on January 5, 2010, at 23:31:33
I would ask her SPECIFICALLY what she is talking about. T's hear so much, and nothing should be upsetting or shocking to them.
To me, saying someone is rude, IS rude......especially if they are a professional. If they have a problem with something, they should be respectful and tactful (something that is sadly lacking in society) and explain....when you do/say this.......
She sounds like SHE is the one with poor manners.
In other words a professional in the THERAPY room doesn't have any right to their personal feelings....they are there for YOU.....
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2010, at 9:15:52
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
I think her word choice was less than felicitous. But I wonder if her intent was to help you along the lines you mentioned in this post.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/930451.html
You say you've realized these things since you started therapy. Do you believe they are true? Or do you think it's something that this therapist (but not your other therapist) believes? If you think this therapist is missing the mark about your issues, or is not helping you with them, or if you do not believe your respect for her is sufficient to do therapy, perhaps it might be good to assess what she does bring to therapy with you, and if she's the right therapist for you.
But if you think that this is something that should be addressed in therapy, it might be worth a discussion with her about why she seems to be being more blunt about it at this time. (Assuming she is.)
Posted by rnny on January 23, 2010, at 13:28:49
In reply to T says I have poor manners! I am very upset!, posted by rnny on January 4, 2010, at 16:21:37
Had a talk with the T about this and she said what she was saying was "use your manners" vs. you don't have manners. I am still seeing her as I shop around. And actually we are working out some of the stuff that was driving me away.
This is the end of the thread.
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