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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 8:07:34
i just got in from a session with my T. last session i told her about a violent fantasy i had about her and it made her really uncomfortable.
i feel like our relationship has been quite rocky for the last few weeks. she told me i need to get a consult because she isnt sure what is going on and she thinks we may or may not get past this. she also said i am welcome to find another therapist.i feel like i pushed her over the edge. ive been trying to get her to see me as a bad person and she has never been willing to do that. finally i think that by telling her this fantasy, she can see that something destructive is happening between us and that we cant get beyond it because its not clear whats happening.
i feel really blown out of the water. i thought she would never do this. she isnt telling me i cant go back but i think i made her really uncomfortable.
im not sure what all this means. but i feel like this is the final confirmation that i am no good and will never be any good.
part of me also thinks that perhaps it was a bad fit and this was my way of getting out of therapy with her instead of saying i want to leave and finding someone else. and another part of me thinks im acting something out that we were trying to address and i fought it so hard that i ended up getting to a place where i got her to feel unsafe with me. and the question becomes that if i fought it so hard, and its me who ruined it...how do i prevent this from happening again and again and again.
thanks for listening.
Posted by Helana on December 11, 2009, at 9:30:35
In reply to fired by my T, posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 8:07:34
> i just got in from a session with my T. last session i told her about a violent fantasy i had about her and it made her really uncomfortable.
Hi Deerock :) I have had violent fantasy about my T too. I think it is very normal. All fantasies are imo symbolisms of our unconscious desires. I had a fantasy of my T after last session which was pretty violent and for me it symbolizes the lack of control I feel I have in session. So I realized I didn't step up and say or do something I wanted in therapy which made me feel like she had more control over me then I had over myself and my mind acted out in a violent fantasy. NORMAL
> i feel like our relationship has been quite rocky for the last few weeks. she told me i need to get a consult because she isnt sure what is going on and she thinks we may or may not get past this. she also said i am welcome to find another therapist.Is she coming up with this just because of the violent fantasy?
>
> i feel like i pushed her over the edge. ive been trying to get her to see me as a bad person and she has never been willing to do that.Maybe because she truly doesn't believe you are a bad person :)
finally i think that by telling her this fantasy, she can see that something destructive is happening between us and that we cant get beyond it because its not clear whats happening.I would think that a professional therapist is trained to handle this sort of situation. AND that any situation is a tool for therapy and possible to get through. There is no typical scenario for perfect therapy...what makes therapy is exactly what is happening. The truth and reality of the clients life...all of it...the good and the ugly!
>
> i feel really blown out of the water. i thought she would never do this. she isnt telling me i cant go back but i think i made her really uncomfortable.I'm sorry this is so difficult. I bet it's gotta be just as uncomfortable to you to know that your possition is to tell all to this person not knowing how they're going to react and you're hoping that they'll never react like this, so you take the chance to be honest and lo and behold...your worst fear...she acts like this.
Maybe you can ask her flat out, can you handle this. Yes, good. No, leave.
>
> im not sure what all this means. but i feel like this is the final confirmation that i am no good and will never be any good.For what it's worth, I don't believe for a second that you're no good nor that you will never be any good. I believe that there is already a lot of good in you but no one has ever cherished it leading you to believe there is nothing to cherish.
>
> part of me also thinks that perhaps it was a bad fit and this was my way of getting out of therapy with her instead of saying i want to leave and finding someone else. and another part of me thinks im acting something out that we were trying to address and i fought it so hard that i ended up getting to a place where i got her to feel unsafe with me. and the question becomes that if i fought it so hard, and its me who ruined it...how do i prevent this from happening again and again and again.You are very insightful! Beautiful! These are wonderful questions, difficult, but wonderful :)
>
> thanks for listening.
I write with sincerety. I hope nothing offends.
Helana
Posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 9:49:48
In reply to Re: fired by my T, posted by Helana on December 11, 2009, at 9:30:35
Helana, a big hug to you. your response was very thoughtful, insightful, caring and uplifting. I thank you and I wish you a wonderful day.
Posted by pegasus on December 11, 2009, at 13:54:55
In reply to fired by my T, posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 8:07:34
Deerock,
I would say that if you want to work with a female therapist, you need to find one who is skillful at holding a lot of anger directed toward her. It's not that uncommon, and I bet a lot of therapists have significant experience with this. But it could sure throw someone who is not ready for it off balance. As it seems to be doing for your current T.
It sounds like you may have some male-female issues that would be worth working out with a female T, if you can find the right one. Or, maybe those issues are more peripheral to what you need to be working on, and so a male T might keep things focussed more on the top priority stuff.
I am guessing (but what do I know?) that there are real reasons for you to be angry with your T, and then also that that anger connects with some larger anger in your life. So, you maybe get more worked up than your T might expect on the face of it, at least in some cases. And then the therapy situation is such that we are supposed to be able to talk about these things. But it can be tough to handle someone describing a violent fantasy they have toward you, for example. I think this would be especially true if the T has any history of real violence in her past.
So, maybe this relationship is a bad fit for you. If you do look for another T, I would recommend that you bring up the anger that you feel in this relationship in the first session, and see how they respond. I think you'll want to find someone who sounds like they'll be able to skillfully hold a lot of your anger, and is willing to take that on at the beginning.
just my 2 cents
peg
Posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 16:25:52
In reply to Re: fired by my T, posted by pegasus on December 11, 2009, at 13:54:55
hi peg, yeah, its confusing for me. i think what youre saying makes sense. and i think ive been taking a psych med that is making my anger worse because my T called my PDOC which she does not usually do...so clearly she was like woah, he is coming undone.....better tell the PDOC.
its just really weird. she urges me to share my feelings. i asked if i could share a violent fantasy. she said in a confident way, it is ok with me if it is ok with you. so i felt like i was assured safety. and it drew her to tears and then she tells me i need a consult.
i kind of feel betrayed. even if it is the meds making me more angry and it shocked her.
but whats more interesting..is i told a close friend about this and how the therapist thinks the meds are involved...and he was just like...oh cmon, youve wanted to say this to her for years.
sounds like i could be unaware of how much the meds affect me. sounds like she might be unaware of how much anger is in me. and sounds like she may not able to hold as much anger as she thinks.
Posted by rnny on December 14, 2009, at 23:02:53
In reply to fired by my T, posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 8:07:34
I live in NY and there have been articles about T's actually being murdered by their clients. (NOT SAYING YOU!!!) Maybe your T thought she might better end things rather than take a chance. Now I know you had no intentions of carrying anything out and you didn't say any thing about murder. I know that. I am saying your "T" is the one who made that decision based on his/her own thought process. Not because of you. Times are a changing. Even the ever loving T's are starting to change. That sacred trust doesn't seem to be as readily available as it once was.
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