Posted by Helana on December 11, 2009, at 9:30:35
In reply to fired by my T, posted by deerock on December 11, 2009, at 8:07:34
> i just got in from a session with my T. last session i told her about a violent fantasy i had about her and it made her really uncomfortable.
Hi Deerock :) I have had violent fantasy about my T too. I think it is very normal. All fantasies are imo symbolisms of our unconscious desires. I had a fantasy of my T after last session which was pretty violent and for me it symbolizes the lack of control I feel I have in session. So I realized I didn't step up and say or do something I wanted in therapy which made me feel like she had more control over me then I had over myself and my mind acted out in a violent fantasy. NORMAL
> i feel like our relationship has been quite rocky for the last few weeks. she told me i need to get a consult because she isnt sure what is going on and she thinks we may or may not get past this. she also said i am welcome to find another therapist.Is she coming up with this just because of the violent fantasy?
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> i feel like i pushed her over the edge. ive been trying to get her to see me as a bad person and she has never been willing to do that.Maybe because she truly doesn't believe you are a bad person :)
finally i think that by telling her this fantasy, she can see that something destructive is happening between us and that we cant get beyond it because its not clear whats happening.I would think that a professional therapist is trained to handle this sort of situation. AND that any situation is a tool for therapy and possible to get through. There is no typical scenario for perfect therapy...what makes therapy is exactly what is happening. The truth and reality of the clients life...all of it...the good and the ugly!
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> i feel really blown out of the water. i thought she would never do this. she isnt telling me i cant go back but i think i made her really uncomfortable.I'm sorry this is so difficult. I bet it's gotta be just as uncomfortable to you to know that your possition is to tell all to this person not knowing how they're going to react and you're hoping that they'll never react like this, so you take the chance to be honest and lo and behold...your worst fear...she acts like this.
Maybe you can ask her flat out, can you handle this. Yes, good. No, leave.
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> im not sure what all this means. but i feel like this is the final confirmation that i am no good and will never be any good.For what it's worth, I don't believe for a second that you're no good nor that you will never be any good. I believe that there is already a lot of good in you but no one has ever cherished it leading you to believe there is nothing to cherish.
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> part of me also thinks that perhaps it was a bad fit and this was my way of getting out of therapy with her instead of saying i want to leave and finding someone else. and another part of me thinks im acting something out that we were trying to address and i fought it so hard that i ended up getting to a place where i got her to feel unsafe with me. and the question becomes that if i fought it so hard, and its me who ruined it...how do i prevent this from happening again and again and again.You are very insightful! Beautiful! These are wonderful questions, difficult, but wonderful :)
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> thanks for listening.
I write with sincerety. I hope nothing offends.
Helana
poster:Helana
thread:928822
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091022/msgs/928837.html