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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 34. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 10:58:15
I wanted to thank those of you who continues to support me during my block especially since my therapy has been so hard lately. It probably has saved my life, all I wanted was somebody to help me, I was feeling so down and hopeless.
I also learned an important thing about friendship in therapy last week. It has to do with boundaries and letting go of toxic relationships or those that do not reciprocate my friendship. I am seeing people who want to have my friendship, I will know because of their actions or words. I am a giver in relationships, I will do almost anything for anyone to help them, but I need to have relationships that will reciprocate the caring and love when I need it. For me the giving is usually one sided and that really hurts when I am really needing some support and don't have anyone to turn to except my T. I guess my T thinks it is great I am so caring and giving, but I need to adjust my boundaries of those who are only taking advantage of my good will. So another life lesson I have learned. I guess one can "give" too much.
Posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 12:01:00
In reply to Thank you my supporters, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 10:58:15
> I guess my T thinks it is great I am so caring and giving, but I need to adjust my boundaries of those who are only taking advantage of my good will.
It isn't clear whether you are speaking of other Babblers when you refer to "those who are only taking advantage of my good will."
If you are, would you please rephrase that statements into an "I" statements? Statements about how you feel rather than about what another person does? Or what another person's intentions might be?
I realize that it's not always easy to rephrase things as I statements. If you have any questions about that, please let us know.
I hope you realize that this doesn't mean I don't like you, or that I don't support you. I do like you and I do support you.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 12:55:11
In reply to Please clarify and/or rephrase » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 12:01:00
I wasn't speaking in general terms of most people in my life, I guess it would also apply to babblers too. I don't know how to change the sentence to a I statement other than leaving it out. Could you help?
Posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 14:49:06
In reply to Re: Please clarify and/or rephrase » Deputy Dinah, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 12:55:11
How about
"Sometimes I start feeling uncomfortable and unsure about relationships, and even begin to question my trusting in others. When that happens, I may have to adjust my boundaries to feel safe."
That's just a suggestion, and may not reflect your actual situation. The idea is not to jump to conclusions about the motives of others, and not to post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down, even when your own feelings are hurt.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Racer on December 22, 2008, at 15:38:44
In reply to Thank you my supporters, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 10:58:15
http://www.firelily.com/support/recovery/flame.retardant.html
I can't remember where I came across this link, but I thought it might be helpful, in thinking about boundaries. It seemed helpful for me, so I'm offering it in hopes it might be helpful to others, too.
I really liked the way she describes boundaries as being a way of saying, "I get to decide what happens inside me."
I hope it helps, and I hope you can see that you do have a lot of support here, and that you are one of the component elements of Babble.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 15:39:23
In reply to Re: Please clarify and/or rephrase » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 14:49:06
Well it really doesn't explain what my T said or the message of what I wanted to say.
She said something about how friendships should be give and take and unfortunately it seems like I fall into relationships as the role of giver. Then when I need support, I become disappointed and hurt because I don't usually get to receive on the other end of friendships. I need to maybe give up on friendships that are one sided only and infest my time into relationships that would be give and take so I will have support that I need. Does that help my statement?
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 16:02:12
In reply to This is something about boundaries and walls » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Racer on December 22, 2008, at 15:38:44
Good site info, thanks Racer, some of the stuff I don't understand though. But I will try to look at it again.
All I know is that my whole life I have always fallen into the giving role and when the I need someone, they aren't there. If feels like rejection and it hurts. I also need to not take things so personally, which the link you posted, mentioned. It is one of the symptoms of PTSD though, because we have been hurt so much in our lives. It triggers deep abandonment of being a child who was severely neglected.
Maybe I should start a thread soon about the symptoms of PTSD because like other disorders, it isn't simple. I think it isn't a subject talked about too often on Babble, so it might be not understood. Even I am beginning to learn more about it, stuff I never knew before.
A lot of my less than positive reactions I have had on Babble have a lot to do with PTSD. I am now just finding out how my past affects me now in my actions. A lot of the behavior might be seen as acting out in anger, but it actually isn't. It is a very hurt person crying out for help because they are so scared of being hurt and alone. When ignored, it actually makes the triggered person more desperate for help because they literally feel like they are going to die and that they are very alone. In my case, it was how I felt as a child being abused. All I wanted as a little child was somebody to help or care, because I was so afraid.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 22, 2008, at 17:13:24
In reply to Re: This is something about boundaries and walls » Racer, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 16:02:12
I think you're doing some good work, SSSS, even though I know it is painful right now.
I agree with what you said about the PTSD and I think any number of us have been there at various times. It is very hard for me, for example, to be in what my T calls a reciprocal relationship. Somehow I think if I'm not doing all the work that people (I'm not talking Babblers here -- just general) won't like me and then I get p*ssed off that I have to do all the work -- it's a vicious cycle for me. I'm making strides there, though, and it sounds like you are, too.
(((((((((SSSS)))))))))))
Posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 17:15:06
In reply to Re: Please clarify and/or rephrase » Deputy Dinah, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 15:39:23
> Well it really doesn't explain what my T said or the message of what I wanted to say.
>
> She said something about how friendships should be give and take and unfortunately it seems like I fall into relationships as the role of giver. Then when I need support, I become disappointed and hurt because I don't usually get to receive on the other end of friendships. I need to maybe give up on friendships that are one sided only and infest my time into relationships that would be give and take so I will have support that I need. Does that help my statement?Well, it is better, but I think other posters might still feel accused and put down at hearing their relationships with you are one sided only. Particularly since they may not feel that way themselves.
It might be better to say that you feel you have needs that aren't being met at Babble. Or that you feel you need to invest less at Babble, in order to feel safe. Those would totally be statements about yourself and your own needs, and wouldn't be accusing or putting others down at all.
It would be fine too, to talk about how PTSD affects your current reactions, as long as you don't jump to conclusions about the motives of other people's actions, or lead them to feel accused or put down.
It isn't always possible to relay exactly what our therapists say about Babble or Babblers. Even my therapist, who often takes the opportunity to work on my interpersonal skills, is in the end my advocate. He will likely see things from my point of view. Sometimes, before he got to know the Babble civility rules, he'd suggest I say things that would totally be against the civility guidelines. I'd have to explain to him that although Babble can be considered a support group and can be therapeutic, it isn't a therapy group. Some of the things that would be appropriate to say in a therapy group aren't really allowable to say under the civility guidelines.
I hope this makes sense, and if you have any specific questions, feel free to Babblemail me. And thanks for being willing to work with us on this.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 18:02:32
In reply to Re: Please clarify and/or rephrase » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 17:15:06
Replies of an administrative nature have been redirected to the Administration Board. Here is a link.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20081003/msgs/870325.html
Posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 19:02:34
In reply to Thank you my supporters, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 10:58:15
Hi 4S/HF,
I am glad that you are posting again. It is good to see you on the board. I think that most of us (including the deputies), have had a lot of genuine sympathy and caring responses for you since you are obviously going through a very difficult time. You have gone through a lot, unquestionably. Many of us have had very painful, difficult, dysfunctional, if not abusive childhoods that we are trying to work through, and there is no way that one can ignore the pain of someone else who is going through what we have experienced (past or present). In addition, your terrible situation with your previous T, and his egregious actions, is something we have all been witness to on this board. And you have been injured profoundly from his blatant boundary violations. I personally would like to see him "disbarred" from practicing. I think that this is still a major source of pain for you, and you have loads of support and empathy from people on the board. If you feel you need more, please feel free to ask -I think I can speak for others that we all want you to be able to move on from the pain that jerk put you through. And in terms of the childhood abuse issues, we do understand and it may take a long time to work through those too.
I think what the deputies may be suggesting is not to be reductionist or polarizing, through verbal expression, about what has happened on Babble in connection with your situation. It did stimulate a controversy, and I can imagine the temptation you might feel (as I might, honestly) to "praise" one side over the other for their "loyalty" to your cause. But the controversy, particularly on the admin board, expanded beyond your particular situation, HF. And one could be on one side or the the other, so to speak, and both still be supporting you personally. I think that's important for you to keep in mind, that the desire to support you was not divisive here. Not at all.
So I think that what is being suggested here is that if we do not form groups over what has happened, that would leave us *all* free to simply support you, HF, which is clearly what you need right now and what we would like to provide. It's as simple as that.
I hope this helps. I do welcome you back, 4S/HF, and want to help to ease your pain. I also hope you change your name again - I find the "slugs" part of your new name hard to relate to you; HF was more in keeping.
All the best,
Lucie
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 19:32:03
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 19:02:34
fp divl fpmvlru fovld ;ivor ;ir o ksyr pi dp ,ivj upi str divj s noyvj/
Posted by Partlycloudy on December 22, 2008, at 20:03:52
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 19:32:03
> fp divl fpmvlru fovld ;ivor ;ir o ksyr pi dp ,ivj upi str divj s noyvj/
Well said!
Posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 20:38:05
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 19:32:03
Ksnsdyjfd? wjasgbs shsg n anajm?
Posted by rskontos on December 22, 2008, at 21:51:17
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters, posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 20:38:05
What's this?
rsk
Posted by obsidian on December 22, 2008, at 21:55:38
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters » lucie lu, posted by rskontos on December 22, 2008, at 21:51:17
now I need one of those special decoder things...like they might have in a cereal box or something
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 23:15:51
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 19:02:34
I was simply thanking those who did support me during my block. I am not trying to praise anyone's side or loyalty, and I don't "have a cause". Plus I wasn't trying to be reductionist or polarizing, through verbal expression, about what has happened on Babble in connection with your situation. (all your phrases)
I was simply thanking those (who know who they are) who took the time to support me by emailing or babblemailing me and trying to contact me to see how I am. That is all I meant.Is this post by you, what you mean by supporting me?
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20081003/msgs/867474.html Just wondering...
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 23:23:00
In reply to uh oh..., posted by obsidian on December 22, 2008, at 21:55:38
Maybe Alf might be able to help you, remember that show? lol
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 23:26:11
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on December 22, 2008, at 20:03:52
I am glad you understand! lol
Posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 23:30:49
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 22, 2008, at 19:32:03
> fp divl fpmvlru fovld ;ivor ;ir o ksyr pi dp ,ivj upi str divj s noyvj/
Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down, even if you type it one letter to the right.
You were blocked for two weeks last time, so I'm going to double it to four weeks. I'll run the numbers by Dr. Bob and if he wishes to adjust the block length, he will announce it here.
Follow-ups regarding these issues, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Dr. Bob is always free to override deputy decisions. His email is on the bottom of each page. Please feel free to email him if you believe this decision was made in error.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 23:35:17
In reply to Re: Thank you my supporters » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on December 22, 2008, at 20:03:52
> > fp divl fpmvlru fovld ;ivor ;ir o ksyr pi dp ,ivj upi str divj s noyvj/
>
> Well said!If you did indeed decode this message, I'm going to have to ask you to please not repeat statements that could lead others to feel accused or put down, and please do not endorse statements that could lead others to feel accused or put down.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Dr. Bob is always free to override deputy decisions. His email is on the bottom of each page. Please feel free to email him if you believe this decision was made in error.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by obsidian on December 23, 2008, at 0:23:06
In reply to Please be civil » Partlycloudy, posted by Deputy Dinah on December 22, 2008, at 23:35:17
has it really gotten to this point?
holy crap!
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 23, 2008, at 7:13:14
In reply to Re: Please be civil, posted by obsidian on December 23, 2008, at 0:23:06
I'm not sure if this is necessary but when I read through this thread I was shocked by the coded message but like PC I first read it as 'jibberish' assuming it was just a matter of wrong fingering on the keyboard.
In case people don't read the admin board: PC responded to the fact that something illegible was posted and NOT to the coded message that was in fact posted.
LL - I just want to say (and I have no idea how you feel about this thread) that your posts are VERY valued here, and apart from the occasional glitch this is a safe and supportive place, and I really hope you find it possible to continue contributing.
Witti
Posted by seldomseen on December 23, 2008, at 7:52:01
In reply to Misunderstanding the jibberish, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 23, 2008, at 7:13:14
To lucie,
I hope you will stay as well. You are very very much valued and respected here.My heart immediately went out for you.
I hope you can see that there is love and stability to be had here.
Love and peace to you my babble friend.
Seldom.
Posted by Nadezda on December 23, 2008, at 10:16:26
In reply to Re: Misunderstanding the jibberish, posted by seldomseen on December 23, 2008, at 7:52:01
This thread is such a sad one, to me. I wish we could all just get along--at least enough so that our occasional disruptions and misunderstandings could be contained by the caring. I know it's not always possible, but it is painful.
Nadezda
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