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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obsidian on November 20, 2008, at 22:50:06
I should be eliminated
about how I can't justify myself
about how I can't come up with a reason for anything
and all I feel are limitations and pressures
closing in on mewell apparently I couldn't even post correctly
I feel so incredibly sad, like I was in one black hole and I fell into another one
I'm out of effexor, which either does nothing or simply delays the inevitable
I hate those f*ck*ng pills
I hate my life
ugh, I don't know how the hell I am going to work like this.
Posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2008, at 23:25:16
In reply to (trigger) I just tried to post something about how, posted by obsidian on November 20, 2008, at 22:50:06
sid,
you've got a disease--depression--that skews thinking, distorts views, and generally makes life miserable.
please don't equate yourself with your disease/disorder. it *is* awful feeling so sad.
the lack of medication can play into how dreadfully rotten you're currently feeling. can you look into any of the free rx programs? ppl on the meds board post the links from time to time. here in the USA there are many ways to get meds when you're not able to afford them....through the drug companies themselves, through big pharma programs, free samples from pdocs who choose to use drug reps, and a few others.
please don't buy into the lies depression is telling you.
wouldn't have posted if there wasn't a way up and out.......there is........it takes time. post as often as you need to but please please please don't go making any rash decisions regarding life on this planet. ok?
be really gentle w/ you please.
concerned,
zzzzzzzzennyp.s. if you've recently gone up and down on doses of "other" meds you might be feeling a major low from that in addition to the effexor w/d.
Posted by obsidian on November 20, 2008, at 23:41:31
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » obsidian, posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2008, at 23:25:16
thanks for your post, you are very kind
it's just one day's dose that I am missing...I can get the rest tomorrow
which leads me to believe that my inherent inadequacies are to blame
I've been missing doses of other things too
seroquel, lamictal the day before last
and then there is the large quantities of marijuana I've been smokingI am responsible for how I feel, and I can't really attribute it all to the meds or lack of them
I'm just an imposter anyway.
Posted by zenhussy on November 20, 2008, at 23:54:03
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » zenhussy, posted by obsidian on November 20, 2008, at 23:41:31
sid,
most definitely missing one day can make a difference in many meds more so if you've been missing a dose here and there for few days. yes the amount of cannabis you use does impact your moods as well.
you're responsible for taking care of yourself.....not for how you feel...you feel how you feel.........be it from missed meds, too much of cannabis, lack of sleep, too much sleep, disease, nutrition, etc.
you're not an imposter. if anything admitting what's going on in your life and in therapy is more real than many ppl are brave enough to be.
again, the no pressure request to please be gentle/kind to yourself. *pretty please?*
it is far too easy to listen to the distortions/lies of depression when on the way down into the black hole.
just one voice letting you know that you're not alone, you're NOT TO BLAME for feeling rotten, and you're going to make it through this.
keeing faith until you get yours back...
zenny
Posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2008, at 11:11:23
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » zenhussy, posted by obsidian on November 20, 2008, at 23:41:31
Posted by obsidian on November 21, 2008, at 12:07:25
In reply to been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care (nm) » obsidian, posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2008, at 11:11:23
you are very kind you know....
I am going to pick up my scripts somehow today
then I will go home and cry
and I will see pdoc monday morning
I saw T yesterday. He asked me what I want out of therapy. I don't really know. Either he's challenging me, he doesn't give a f*ck or I need to change some things or some combination. Right now I don't see any solution.
thanks zen
Posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2008, at 12:23:22
In reply to Re: been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care, posted by obsidian on November 21, 2008, at 12:07:25
kindness is easy for others in the darkness of depression.....especially when one has lived through some of those horrible pits of despair. it comes from the experience of living *through* it.....from surviving.
getting scripts---good!
going home to cry---good too....really! it is a natural release and sometimes we all need to give ourselves permission to cry and not feel bad, wrong or whatever negatives we might assign to crying.
seeing T---good, and probably frustrating as well from what you've been sharing here on board lately. going to go w/ the "challenging you" theory instead of the "don't give a F" theory.
how about not seeking any solutions right now? sounds crazy maybe but given how rotten you're feeling why not give yourself some compassionate slack in the problem solving dept.?
cry, be nice to you, try to eat something good for you, have some tea if you like that, take a bath if that works for you, play computer games, read trashy novels, comic books, whatever........but please do things that make you feel a tiny bit better.
treat yourself w/ the same kindness you'd give to a friend in a heartbeat.....you ARE that friend to others and others would have a fit knowing how hard you're being on yourself.
gently does it sid. slowly and gently.
Posted by B2chica on November 21, 2008, at 12:24:36
In reply to Re: been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care, posted by obsidian on November 21, 2008, at 12:07:25
I REALLY liked what zenhussy said. "please don't buy into the lies depression is telling you." it couldnt be said better.
i'm sorry you are feeling so terrible. please be good to yourself as best as you can.you are NOT an imposter. you are a living breathing being and you are important, and deserve good things, including to feel better.
i hope you can get back into your med regime soon, perhaps that will help.and here is sending you some good vibes your way to feel better soon>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(((((((gentle hugs obsidian))))))
b2c.
Posted by JayMac on November 21, 2008, at 14:06:42
In reply to (trigger) I just tried to post something about how, posted by obsidian on November 20, 2008, at 22:50:06
Obsidian,
I don't mean to bring you down, but I am concerned about your marijuana use. You said that you are using large quantities and THAT CONCERNS ME. Is your pdoc or any doc of yours aware of this? From what I've heard, marijuana can make depression worse.IMO, I strongly recommend you speak with someone about your use. I'm sure your habit isn't helping your state of depression and overall sense of self worth, especially if you are dependent upon marijuana. Im the past, you have mentioned your use, so the fact that it's brought up again shows me that there is more to your situation than just the depression.
I may not KNOW you in person, but I value your existence and I value your contributions to this board. I am deeply concerned about you as a person. I know that you may or may not be ready to discuss this topic on here or with anyone else, but please know that there is help.
Please do not take this as a confrontation. I'm curious about all of this, I'm especially concerned for your well being.
Hugs!!!!!
JayMac
Posted by paxvox59 on November 21, 2008, at 14:31:59
In reply to Re: been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care » obsidian, posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2008, at 12:23:22
I am still going through the process of trying to get the proper meds (even seen by an actual Pdoc!). I am very frustrated and feeling like crap right now.
PAX
Posted by muffled on November 21, 2008, at 14:49:48
In reply to Re: been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care, posted by obsidian on November 21, 2008, at 12:07:25
Posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 0:24:06
In reply to Re: been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care » obsidian, posted by zenhussy on November 21, 2008, at 12:23:22
> kindness is easy for others in the darkness of depression.....especially when one has lived through some of those horrible pits of despair. it comes from the experience of living *through* it.....from surviving.
I'm sorry zen :-(
>
> getting scripts---good!I got them, took a couple of effexor. I think I've missed about 2 days worth, or 6 pills, but I can't be sure
anyway, I was getting the weird sensations in my head, and I was feeling foggy (that'll be the effexor withdrawal), and it's nice to know that if anything that will stop>
> going home to cry---good too....really! it is a natural release and sometimes we all need to give ourselves permission to cry and not feel bad, wrong or whatever negatives we might assign to crying.I did a little sobbing at work by myself at the beginning of the day. It was like it took all my strength to go there, and then when I was finally alone I cried because I just feel awful.
>
> seeing T---good, and probably frustrating as well from what you've been sharing here on board lately. going to go w/ the "challenging you" theory instead of the "don't give a F" theory.I still don't know what to make of it all.
>
> how about not seeking any solutions right now? sounds crazy maybe but given how rotten you're feeling why not give yourself some compassionate slack in the problem solving dept.?
>
> cry, be nice to you, try to eat something good for you, have some tea if you like that, take a bath if that works for you, play computer games, read trashy novels, comic books, whatever........but please do things that make you feel a tiny bit better.a blanket would be nice, and a dark room, and a television and some books
I just need to get through one more day of work.I ended up going over my friend's house with our other friend. I was all set to go home and put myself into the fetal position, but I felt like I needed to have us all together (they weren't feeling great). They don't know however how incredibly badly I am feeling, and I think it might freak them out a little.
>
> treat yourself w/ the same kindness you'd give to a friend in a heartbeat.....you ARE that friend to others and others would have a fit knowing how hard you're being on yourself.I don't know if I am being hard on myself.
>
> gently does it sid. slowly and gently.I'm afraid I won't be able to handle any other way.
thanks zen
>
>
Posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 0:30:54
In reply to Re: been thinking of you lots.....pls take gentle care » obsidian, posted by B2chica on November 21, 2008, at 12:24:36
thanks B2,
I gotta make my self scarce from the world for a while. Unfortunately, that can't last. Life goes on relentlessly as they say (depending on your point of view).
it just never stops.I hope you are doing well, and thanks for the hugs.
Maybe I'll make a mask. I've got the materials after all.
I just remembered that I have a class I need to do homework for. I have way too much to do, and I really need to take it easy.
-sid
Posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 0:46:00
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » obsidian, posted by JayMac on November 21, 2008, at 14:06:42
> Obsidian,
> I don't mean to bring you down, but I am concerned about your marijuana use. You said that you are using large quantities and THAT CONCERNS ME. Is your pdoc or any doc of yours aware of this? From what I've heard, marijuana can make depression worse.My T knows. My pdoc knows, but not to the extent that my T knows, and he doesn't even know the whole story. You know it's funny, I've just lost track of things, like filling meds, and there is one in particular that I have decreased and have been cutting out completely on some days. My theory is that it mainly keeps me asleep, and sleeping people aren't necessarily as concerned with the world around them. I've had to skip this med a lot because combined with the sedation from the cannabis, I just can't tolerate it and function (or some lame version of "function") at the same time.
>
> IMO, I strongly recommend you speak with someone about your use. I'm sure your habit isn't helping your state of depression and overall sense of self worth, especially if you are dependent upon marijuana. Im the past, you have mentioned your use, so the fact that it's brought up again shows me that there is more to your situation than just the depression.Some people think that marijuana can be a problem. You know I'm not sure I can tell.
I may not KNOW you in person, but I value your existence and I value your contributions to this board. I am deeply concerned about you as a person. I know that you may or may not be ready to discuss this topic on here or with anyone else, but please know that there is help.
>
> Please do not take this as a confrontation. I'm curious about all of this, I'm especially concerned for your well being.It's alright because I don't seem to have an opinion right now. I appreciate that you can express an opinion regarding the matter. I don't seem to be setting a lot of healthy limits. I'm leaning toward nihilism at the moment.
>
> Hugs!!!!!
> JayMacthanks for the hugs JayMac, I hope all is well with you.
Posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 0:46:33
In reply to (((Sid))) hope you OK (nm), posted by muffled on November 21, 2008, at 14:49:48
Posted by JayMac on November 22, 2008, at 18:30:21
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » JayMac, posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 0:46:00
Thank you for understanding my post! =) I'm glad you are beginning to look at things.
Posted by Kath on November 22, 2008, at 21:14:25
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » JayMac, posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 0:46:00
Hi (((((Sid)))
Zenny's ideas sound good:
>cry, be nice to you, try to eat something good for you, have some tea if you like that, take a bath if that works for you, play computer games, read trashy novels, comic books, whatever........but please do things that make you feel a tiny bit better.
~ ~ ~ when I'm feeling awful & someone tells me to do something FOR me that I like or that might help me feel better, Just hearing that someone wants that for me helps me.
I am so very sorry you're suffering so much. I am so impressed that you actually were able to get yourself to work! That is a huge accomplishment & I hope you hear the CHEERS that are coming toward you from my corner.
I've seen my son's depression being affected by various substances that he has done. There certainly seems to be a big DOWN period after using whatEVER for him. I think if you can even have that as an awareness.
Sometimes when I wake up feeling awful, it helps me when I realize I've had bad dreams. Sometimes for me, just knowing what might be contributing to me feeling awful helps me know that (even though part of me doesn't know) the awful feelings aren't forever.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))) & oh boy, do I wish I could give them for real.
Please let us know how you're doing. A LOT of people care about you.
luv, Kath
Posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 23:03:07
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » obsidian, posted by JayMac on November 22, 2008, at 18:30:21
I don't know what's a problem, what makes a difference. My T is asking me what I want from therapy....valid question of course, but why now?
because the marijuana use is contrary to it? or because he's been looking for a reason to tell me to f*ck off? because I am always so out of it?
I can't deal with it all. I don't know anything. I want to disappear, and I don't even mean in the suicidal sense. I just want to disappear, go poof, cease to exist.
...anyway, thanks for the responses.
take care,
sid
Posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 23:07:10
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » obsidian, posted by Kath on November 22, 2008, at 21:14:25
thanks kath,
at the moment I will be happy to get some sleep. I'm going to take some of that seroquel I have learned to hate, but sometimes appreciate in circumstances like these.
It is nice for people to notice, to care. Indifference can be awful.
Posted by muffled on November 24, 2008, at 9:31:41
In reply to Re: (trigger) I just tried to post something about how » JayMac, posted by obsidian on November 22, 2008, at 23:03:07
> I don't know what's a problem, what makes a difference. My T is asking me what I want from therapy....valid question of course, but why now?
> because the marijuana use is contrary to it? or because he's been looking for a reason to tell me to f*ck off? because I am always so out of it?
> I can't deal with it all. I don't know anything. I want to disappear, and I don't even mean in the suicidal sense. I just want to disappear, go poof, cease to exist.
> ...anyway, thanks for the responses.
> take care,
> sid*I used to want to dissapear.
Now I don't. I am glad I am here.
Addictions suck bad. They really mess up your thinking.
Its just astonishing to look back with wonder at some of the b*llsh*t crap I used to con myself with regarding addictions.
I t could be that your T is getting frustrated Sid. NOT because he dislikes you but because he LIKES you and CARES.
I used to REALLY frustrate my old T, and right now I think my new T may be somewhat frustrated. But I guess it comes with the territory.
Is there any inpatient treatment programs(not hosp, but addictions treatment centers) you would be willing to do? I did one, I think it was a month and they taught us all kinds of stuff. Gave us vitamins and fed us good. They taught us the tricks that addictions plays on us. It was useful to clean up and get clearer in my head in a safe environment.
THEN it was easier to work on other stuff once all the crap was out of my system and I was physically much healthier.
We were allowed 'out' and I did some jogging as well and the excercise helped too. The structure was good as well.
So going into a treatment program IS kinda a way to go POOF from life, into a place where you can just concentrate on trying to be well.
Just a thot, cuz you do seem worried bout the drug use.
Anyhow, I been there and its hard, but getting out from under is possible.
Best wishes to ya Sid, you a good egg, I would like to follow babble and follow some of your journey towards a better life.
I think you can do it.
Its not easy, but if I, the queen of woosyiness can do it, then you can too.
(((Sid)))
Muffled
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