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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 8:56:36
I started another women's support group. This one is much smaller and intimate. Very intimate. Feels quite soothing. There's a psycho education piece that's then followed by some yoga and meditation that ties in with whatever we've been discussing that evening.
The last meeting was the night before I left for a week's trip out of town. The subject was puberty, and, more specifically, our first menstruations. We were asked to recall (silently) what our experiences were. My mom was embarrassed by my changing body and managed to ask whether I'd been shown "The Movie" at school, and Did I Have any Questions? No? Thank goodness. My recollections passed without problem, just some sadness.
During the yoga part of the evening, the instructor told us of her personal experiences; the ignorance of what to do and what to use, and what happened during the course of the day for her. The descriptions were not graphic, but we each could feel her pain in telling her own story. She asked that we think about what had happened to each of us during our experiences that first year.
Out of the blue, I recalled an entire memory of abuse that I experienced. It was suffused with shame, guilt, fear, and embarrassment. I have never told anyone - not anybody - what had happened. I didn't tell my mother, because I feared her anger and accusations that somehow I had brought the horrible experience upon myself. I remember thinking at the time that it was all my fault, because my body had changed, and I had grown breasts. It was all my fault. In recalling the trauma, the same feelings came flooding back at me as clearly and as fresh as if it had just happened a moment ago.
I struggled to sleep that night. I called my therapist from the airport once I had arrived at my destination. Eventually we we able to talk (while I was traveling in a taxi with my husband - terribly awkward). I tried to journal a little bit but all I had to work on was some post it notes which I stuck into the book I had been trying to read - which, of course, I couldn't, all of a sudden. It became a long and difficult week as I tried to NOT think about this event.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about this for the last 8 days. I see my therapist tomorrow. This event happened 35 years ago, and I have managed to stuff it somewhere for all these years until the yoga instructor's gentle words coaxed them out of my mind's recesses. It's hard to process that this is *still* in my past.
Posted by antigua3 on October 13, 2008, at 10:38:55
In reply to Big trauma trigger for me (CSA), posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 8:56:36
It doesn't matter how many years ago it happened; as my T says, we don't remember until we are strong enough to handle it. You've been headed somewhere for a long time now, with physical ailments and bouts of depression that you weren't sure caused them. Through your extrordinary care of yourself, you've come to a time where it will be very difficult, but you can handle it, with help, from a lot of quarters, and you have a great T.
I don't want to say it's great this happened, because I know the physical pain and the flashbacks can be so instense. But maybe you'll find the release you need.
Can I say I'm really proud of you? You've worked so hard, never giving up, and now you know why.
We are always here for you,
antigua
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 11:00:33
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA), posted by antigua3 on October 13, 2008, at 10:38:55
Cautiously, I drew a physical map of where it had happened. That helped me feel better.
Today I went to the storage box in the garage and plucked out the school yearbook from that year. My abuser's little brother was in my class, and I picked his face out immediately.I am not making this up. (I am telling myself this, although I already know it.)
I also, with trepidation, googled the family name and the year after my event, because I recall there being an absolutely enormous court case involving my abuser. It jumped out at me from the computer screen.
The year after he had assaulted me the same person had gotten to another little girl, a year younger than I was at the time. I remember the court case because he had not fit what was then the regular profile of a pedophile (I don't know what that would have been, since I was still a child myself).
In the tragic case that made the news, the little girl did not survive.
Not sure what we're going to do with all this nastiness now that it's all come up to the surface and won't go away again.
If I had said something at the time, would that little girl have lived.
Oh
my
god
what
have
i
done
Posted by zenhussy on October 13, 2008, at 11:22:05
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » antigua3, posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 11:00:33
>>>Oh
my
god
what
have
i
done<<<
you have set yourself FREE by TELLING!
you have ALLOWED YOURSELF TO KNOW!
you have ALLOWED others to KNOW IT WAS SCARY!
sending you tremendous kindness wrapped up with lots of gentleness and compassion.
funny, not ha ha, how one isn't ready until --WHAM-- one IS ready.
be kind, gentle, compassionate, and plain ol' nice to you please.with strength and with solidarity,
fellow survivor zenhussy
Posted by DAisym on October 13, 2008, at 12:37:23
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » antigua3, posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 11:00:33
YOU did nothing wrong. HE hurt this girl - and you.
I know these questions so well - my sister came after me -- but as my therapist has pointed out time and time again, I didn't abuse my sister. Our dad did. And the awful, sad truth is, 35 years ago, even if you'd told, there wasn't much that would have been done. People didn't talk about such things and children weren't believed. CSA treatments weren't really established until the early 80s...can you believe that? I seriously doubt that you were the only victim in the year between - and no one else spoke up either. Why do you think that was?
If you don't have it, I strongly encourage you to get the book, "Courage To Heal" - It isn't my favorite csa book but it will walk you through what you can expect in the next couple of weeks and months. I think you are in shock, and with that comes the disbelief. And then anger, sadness and often suicidal feelings. And then around and around again. It is important that you don't force processing this memory alone. You need a witness to help you contain these events and you need to grieve what happened after. It is so terribly lonely to carry such a secret as a child. The world is too big and too scary.
I'm glad you were able to post here. Keep using all your supports. No matter what we say, it will take time for you to believe that this wasn't your fault. But it wasn't.
Posted by muffled on October 13, 2008, at 12:43:28
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » antigua3, posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 11:00:33
There is no blame to you. You were a scared kid, so you blocked it. That was smart. That enabled you to go on.
The PERP hurt the other child NOT you.
I firmly beleive you are here for a reason, that you survived for a reason, that you must endure this pain and grow from it for a reason.
Little things we do, or do not do, in our lives all have an effect true.
But you remained silent out of terror, not in order to cause hurt, you had no way of knowing or comprehending what happened to you. Its incomprehensible that people do some of what they do. It is imcomprehensible to mature adults let alone a young person.
The perp hurt you and that other kid for whatever reasons, but HE did the hurting.
I am so sorry this happened to you partlycloudy,and I am so sorry for that other child, but maybe now you can work on healing some of whats inside you and hurting you still.
It is time.
Time to heal, to grow, to someday pass along good things.
Thats what I tell myself.
Take special good care of yourself.
You are the same person.
One that I have always enjoyed.
Sorry if this is stupid, but I mean well.
(((partlycloudy))))
M
Posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2008, at 12:58:32
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » Partlycloudy, posted by muffled on October 13, 2008, at 12:43:28
How a benign subject to me about first periods could have triggered this old memory is incredible to me. Not to be sarcastic, mean, or whatever think it was the blood that triggered the memory? Glad you remembered. Love Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 13:45:04
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER, posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2008, at 12:58:32
> How a benign subject to me about first periods could have triggered this old memory is incredible to me. Not to be sarcastic, mean, or whatever think it was the blood that triggered the memory? Glad you remembered. Love Phillipa
No not the blood but the growth my body experienced - that's what my child's mind thought had caused the abuse. I grew boobs and so I was abused. If I hadn't started to grow up it wouldn't have happened? (Stupid kid thoughts.) That summer I shot up a whopping 8 inches in height. I remember my mom had sewn retarded looking extensions on to a pair of jeans (which I already hated) rather than buying me longer ones, because I had outgrown everything so quickly and we couldn't afford so many new clothes for me.
But it was right at the time when my body had all these outward changes that the abuse event occurred. And so I completely blamed myself.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 13, 2008, at 14:03:36
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » antigua3, posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 11:00:33
Sweetie: Maybe there is something you can do? Is this pedophile/murderer in jail now?
Love, Sassy
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 14:56:05
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » Partlycloudy, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 13, 2008, at 14:03:36
> Sweetie: Maybe there is something you can do? Is this pedophile/murderer in jail now?
>
> Love, SassyI don't know. I am going to wait to talk to my T tomorrow to begin to navigate through this. She wasn't too hot about me googling anything, but I *had* to confirm my memories about the newspaper stories, I just had to. Now I just feel sick about it.
pc
Posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2008, at 19:42:57
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 13:45:04
PC how sorry I am. I remember growing boobs and all the boys in the neighborhood chased me tried to pull up my shirt. I don't think I've been molested but it's been suggested to me in the past by pdocs. I did have a boyfriend when I was in the third grade and he in the sixth and he'd pick me up carry me under a tree and kiss me I do remember that. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2008, at 20:37:27
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) MAJOR TRIGGER » antigua3, posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 11:00:33
You were a little girl, coping as best you could with something that no little girl should cope with. You did nothing wrong. Daisy's right. It was a different day and age. You can't look back with today's knowledge and maturity, and apply those standards to little PC.
Posted by seldomseen on October 14, 2008, at 6:15:47
In reply to Big trauma trigger for me (CSA), posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 8:56:36
I'm so sorry you are feeling triggered. Sometimes it seems to me that abuse just never lets go.
Quieting those thoughts that "well, I'm just making this up" is sooooo important and I glad those have subsided.
Please take care of yourself and try to understand that what happened to you was when you were a child. You are not responsible for doing anything in that situation except for surviving.
Which you did.
Thank you for trusting us enough to share this with us.
Peace
Seldom
Posted by rskontos on October 14, 2008, at 18:28:36
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) » Partlycloudy, posted by seldomseen on October 14, 2008, at 6:15:47
Whew! I must tread lightly myself but I say your reaction is strong because you need to make sure what you remember is right but don't doubt yourself for one minute. And never think oh if only I had. Everyone is right you were a child. Your mind did what it did to block those memories so you could survive. The other poor little one did not but thank god you did. Celebrate that now you will be able with the help of your T to release these feelings that have been repressed.
I too thank you for sharing this. I am just very very moved. You are very trusting of us and dare I say brave.
Take especial good care of yourself if you can. You deserve it.
Rsk
Posted by lucie lu on October 14, 2008, at 21:36:11
In reply to Big trauma trigger for me (CSA), posted by Partlycloudy on October 13, 2008, at 8:56:36
PC,
I can't add much to what others have said, e.g. about being a child at the time of the abuse and not being responsible for ANY of it. But, like Rsk, I just wanted to say that I am profoundly moved by your courage and compassion. We so often wonder how we would handle something hurtling at us from out of the blue. You are already there, and I can only hope I would do as well as you. First of all, you *remembered* the abuse and second, you are talking about it openly and freely, to your T, to us on Babble. Doing that dissipates the power of old secrets. Your need to google the details may just be part of the route your psyche has chosen for working this thing through. PC, you are actually showing great strength and resilience in how you're dealing with this situation - which you didn't ask for any more than you did the original abuse. This bodes very well for your healing of this trauma, as does your ability to use the support that you have available to you - which includes us as well.
I wish you peace and healing.
Love, Lucie
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 15, 2008, at 8:16:41
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) » Partlycloudy, posted by lucie lu on October 14, 2008, at 21:36:11
First of all, I want to thank everyone for their compassionate and supportive posts here - I've been so reluctant to express myself for the past few months, but I'm glad that I took the risk in sharing my uncovered memories about this trauma.
My T and I talked about a lot of different stuff.
I don't plan to speak to anyone in my family about the event - my mother just doesn't have the resources to be able to deal with what I consider to be her failures as a parent, and it would only open up new fissures in our already distant relationship. My T spoke of "second-hand" PTSD, where the telling of a traumatic event causes its own trauma for the person you tell it to - and for what purpose? My mother just doesn't have the tools to be able to "be" there for me - not then, and not now. So I'm maintaining radio silence, and I'm totally OK with it.
The same goes with my older sister, in whose high school class the perpetrator was in. (That was how he was able to approach me at the edge of the playground that day - "Say, aren't you XXX's little sister?" he said. We had recently moved from another province and I was totally surprised that ANYONE would know who we were.) My sister doesn't need to know about what happened - if anything, she's more emotionally fragile, and perpetually angry with our mother, than I am, so this would be like pouring salt in the wound.
What my therapist was able to see, though, was what a resourceful little girl I had been in that situation. The man tried his darnedest to get me to leave with him - we were in a pretty open area - and I remember frantically looking around for someone, ANYONE, to try to attract their attention to what was going on, but there was no one close by, and definitely no adults that I recall. Instead, I concocted a story that I couldn't go with him because my mother expected me at home at a certain time, and if I didn't show up within 5 minutes (or whatever), she was going to start looking for me in the playground herself. (This was a total fabrication, as my mom never noticed where I was or who I spent my time with - all she ever wanted was me out from under her feet, as I tended to be very cling-y around her, always wanting affection that was never there.) He backed right off, and I remained relatively safe. My resourcefulness most likely saved my life that day, and my T tried to show me that even at that young age, I was able to do some quick thinking in a very dangerous situation - and judge for myself that it was indeed quite dangerous - showing that I was bright and even had some grace under pressure.
I'm making yet another trip to the chiropractor today, as my back is really hurting me. No wonder.
Posted by antigua3 on October 16, 2008, at 11:16:28
In reply to What we worked on during our session, posted by Partlycloudy on October 15, 2008, at 8:16:41
Sounds like you had a great session. I'm very happy for you.
Take it slow.
Remember, you WERE resourceful, and I'm very grateful that you did handle this so well.
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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