Posted by Partlycloudy on October 15, 2008, at 8:16:41
In reply to Re: Big trauma trigger for me (CSA) » Partlycloudy, posted by lucie lu on October 14, 2008, at 21:36:11
First of all, I want to thank everyone for their compassionate and supportive posts here - I've been so reluctant to express myself for the past few months, but I'm glad that I took the risk in sharing my uncovered memories about this trauma.
My T and I talked about a lot of different stuff.
I don't plan to speak to anyone in my family about the event - my mother just doesn't have the resources to be able to deal with what I consider to be her failures as a parent, and it would only open up new fissures in our already distant relationship. My T spoke of "second-hand" PTSD, where the telling of a traumatic event causes its own trauma for the person you tell it to - and for what purpose? My mother just doesn't have the tools to be able to "be" there for me - not then, and not now. So I'm maintaining radio silence, and I'm totally OK with it.
The same goes with my older sister, in whose high school class the perpetrator was in. (That was how he was able to approach me at the edge of the playground that day - "Say, aren't you XXX's little sister?" he said. We had recently moved from another province and I was totally surprised that ANYONE would know who we were.) My sister doesn't need to know about what happened - if anything, she's more emotionally fragile, and perpetually angry with our mother, than I am, so this would be like pouring salt in the wound.
What my therapist was able to see, though, was what a resourceful little girl I had been in that situation. The man tried his darnedest to get me to leave with him - we were in a pretty open area - and I remember frantically looking around for someone, ANYONE, to try to attract their attention to what was going on, but there was no one close by, and definitely no adults that I recall. Instead, I concocted a story that I couldn't go with him because my mother expected me at home at a certain time, and if I didn't show up within 5 minutes (or whatever), she was going to start looking for me in the playground herself. (This was a total fabrication, as my mom never noticed where I was or who I spent my time with - all she ever wanted was me out from under her feet, as I tended to be very cling-y around her, always wanting affection that was never there.) He backed right off, and I remained relatively safe. My resourcefulness most likely saved my life that day, and my T tried to show me that even at that young age, I was able to do some quick thinking in a very dangerous situation - and judge for myself that it was indeed quite dangerous - showing that I was bright and even had some grace under pressure.
I'm making yet another trip to the chiropractor today, as my back is really hurting me. No wonder.
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:857180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857539.html