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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
I know I rarely post, and have a hard time keeping up, but I've had a horrible week and really need to talk to someone.
This might get choppy; I don't even know where to begin.
Well, it's been a rough week. Over the course of the last few months, there have been changes at work that I am not happy about. It saddens me to say that I am no longer passionate about my job as I once was. That's one thing.
Another thing is, I'm trying to date. Honestly though, I hate dating. I want to get married and have children, but the dating process is so scary to me, and a lot of that I attribute to my past. I've been in two long term relationships though (I guess I'm better at those!), but they didn't lead to anything. What worries me is what if I "missed the boat"? I'm already in my mid 30's which doesn't leave a whole lot of time to meet someone, date, have an engagement period, get married, and then start a family. And ideally I would like to do it in that order.
The other thing is, my mother is constantly hounding me for grandchildren! I can't tell you how many times I hear, "When I was your age, I already had 2 (or 3) children." And this has been going on for years. There's variations of this comment, and they all hurt. There's another component to this.... I do have two siblings, but they don't get the comments; only me. (How's that for added pressure?) If you're wondering why they don't get the comments; they're both gay. And that's the first time I've ever admitted this. Now at my session the other night, my T seemed hurt (for me) by my mother's comments. She said, "why aren't your sister and brother getting the comments also?" I just sat there in silence. Why was I embarrassed to tell her the truth?I've never spoken about my brother and sister. Talking about dating and past traumas is hard, but I could avoid it. Not that it would be healthy, and not that I want to... that's why I'm in therapy. What I'm saying is it could be avoided if I really wanted to. What I can't avoid, and what seems to hurt more than anything, is this ache, this longing I have (and have always had) for a mother. I know plenty of people (here and IRL) who didn't have the ideal mother, but somehow they've moved on. I just feel stuck; like a little girl who wants a mommy more than anything. I know my therapist has said that some men can be nurturing and all, but I literally want a mother, and all of those bonding experiences that I missed out on. I feel that the mother should come before the husband because that's the way it's "supposed" to be. But I also worry that I'm going to miss out and end up spiting myself because I do know that I can't really go back in time, and mother or no mother, I have to move on.
But in terms of my subject line, is my therapist triggering my sadness.... Like I said, it's been a rough week, a rough couple of weeks/months (for me). Not with her, she's been as sensitive and supportive as always. Lately it's hard to tell if I'm slipping into another depression (I hope not), or I'm just really really sad. My "therapy hangover" after last night's session is pretty bad today; I just want to go back again, I want to see her again today. My need for a mother is in high gear. Is seeing her making that pain worse?
We do talk about some of this, but a lot of it I'm afraid to say. It's emabrrassing, but I also worry that she would get rid of my. Totally unlikely, but I still worry about it, and after reading about it happening to some of you here, I worry more.
When I'm with her, it's like the "perfect mother" sitting 5 ft. away from me. So close, yet so far away. While I would love to do all the typical mother/daughter things with her; the reality is I'm terrified of ever running into her in public. And while I would love to sleep over, so we could stay up half the night watching movies, eating junk food and talking (not therapy talking, just sharing); the reality is I wouldn't want her to see me without make-up, plus I'm not sure I really want the boundries stretched like that. Even something that should be as simple as crying; I still haven't been able to cry with her. There have been a few times where I almost have, but I expend all my energy fighting it. I would want her to comfort me the way a mother would, but again, is that what I really want? So you see, it's all so complicated.... are these fantasies healthy? Are they hurting me? Not every week is like this, so it's not always this bad; it's just the mother stuff hitting me hard.
I actually just read an email from her and it made me tear up; I just miss her. I love her and I wish I had the courage to tell her.Well, I think I've written enough for now, thanks for reading this; I had to get it out somewhere. Also, I had this week off from work and aside from my 2 appts, I did nothing. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and I did nothing. Feeling like this I'm glad I didn't have to go to work, but now I'm worried about going back on Monday. I'm also concerned that I literally did nothing but lay on the couch. Could this be grief?
LGL
Posted by DAisym on September 19, 2008, at 22:29:01
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
LGL,
It sounds like depression. Are you on medication and/or do you have a pdoc? Perhaps it is time to check in about this.
I'm wondering why you haven't told your therapist about your siblings being gay? Does that somehow make you less perfect? After all you've written about her, I highly doubt that she'd leave you but I can see how offering up anything complicated about yourself would trigger more of that worry. I, too, worry about these kinds of things. But I bet she'd really want to know, so that together you could sort through what is real, and what are "just" you fears.
There was a thread here a long while back in which we discussed how nice it must be for therapists to hear "I care about you," "I love you," or even, "thank you." We sort of debated the idea of saying these things. I think I took away from that the courage to tell my therapist how much he meant to me as my therapist - and we had this great discussion about my fantasies of him being something other than my therapist but how much I'd have to give up in order to have that. And when it came down to it, therapy is so important to me that I need him to be my therapist more than I want him to be anything else. (hypothetically of course, it wasn't an offered choice.) So I understand the conflict of wanting your therapist in a different way, but not really wanting that. We also looked at ways I could have more contact and what would make the missing him more bearable. It has taken some time but things are easier now - not all the time - but most of the time.
Is she triggering your sadness? I'd say no but your relationship with her highlights what you didn't have, and still don't have, with your mom. The longing for a mother is deep and painful and I think we have to learn to grieve it all and then move on. Accepting who your mom is, and who she isn't, is a long process.
I hope next week is better and easier than this one was.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 23:33:14
In reply to Re: I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by DAisym on September 19, 2008, at 22:29:01
> It sounds like depression. Are you on medication and/or do you have a pdoc? Perhaps it is time to check in about this.
**I was afraid of that. I've been trying to fight it; thinking I'm just sad, but what's sad is I can just tell that the "spark" is missing from my life. I don't have a pdoc and am not on any meds; I was in the past, and actually I'm afraid to go back on them.
> I'm wondering why you haven't told your therapist about your siblings being gay? Does that somehow make you less perfect? After all you've written about her, I highly doubt that she'd leave you but I can see how offering up anything complicated about yourself would trigger more of that worry. I, too, worry about these kinds of things. But I bet she'd really want to know, so that together you could sort through what is real, and what are "just" you fears.**I think the reason I haven't told her about my siblings is because I'm embarrassed. (Only because it's my family, I don't have a problem with anyone else's sexual preferences.) I do worry that it makes me look less perfect, but I also worry that because I'm not married or have children yet either, what if she (or other people who know/knew) question my sexuality. There's also a sadness that not only is the pressure there for me to be the sole provider of my mother's grandchildren; well what if I don't (or can't) have children, I'll never even have any neices or nephews.
> There was a thread here a long while back in which we discussed how nice it must be for therapists to hear "I care about you," "I love you," or even, "thank you." We sort of debated the idea of saying these things. I think I took away from that the courage to tell my therapist how much he meant to me as my therapist - and we had this great discussion about my fantasies of him being something other than my therapist but how much I'd have to give up in order to have that.
**I think I remember that thread. And I've always admired your courage in the things that you've told and shared with your therapist. My therapist knows how much she means to me; I've given her cards, and we've both exchanged terms of endearment, but never the actual words "I love you"; I'd really like to be able to say that, even though I'm sure she knows it. Those are not words I grew up hearing or saying, so to be able to say it would be a big deal to me.
> Is she triggering your sadness? I'd say no but your relationship with her highlights what you didn't have, and still don't have, with your mom. The longing for a mother is deep and painful and I think we have to learn to grieve it all and then move on. Accepting who your mom is, and who she isn't, is a long process.
**Yes, I think that's it. She's highlighting what I didn't and don't have. The trauma I can avoid when I need to, but this is just so painful as she's right across from me and I'm longing for a mother. I just don't know why this/these feelings came up so suddenly though.
> I hope next week is better and easier than this one was.**Thanks Daisy, me too.
Posted by Nadezda on September 20, 2008, at 11:45:07
In reply to Re: I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness? » DAisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 23:33:14
Hi. I think it might be worth getting some meds.
There's so much to talk about in your post, but the main thing is that your mood is darkening and everything that you think about is submerged in that darkness--. Maybe, if your mood lightened, you'd be able to talk about things that you keep hidden-- your brother and sister and the extra pressure that your mother puts onto you, in response to their gayness-- and plan forward toward those things you really want-- and take steps toward them.
I know for myself, when I"m depressed, everything turns black and hopeless-- I reproach myself for not doing things, and doing other things the wrong way--for the feelings I have, and the ones I don't have. I lose interest in going places, and doing things that I value. So maybe that's what's happening.
Since you're feeling the losses and what you miss in life so much more intensely and unavoidably, and with the sense that you'll never get what you most want, this seems pervasive, rather than just sadness. It's hard to go through life in that state-- because all the neediness and sadness do take over.
I do think going to a pdoc and checking out if there are any ADs that would be good for you is the most positive thing you can do right now.
I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time.
Nadezda
Posted by muffled on September 20, 2008, at 15:50:01
In reply to Re: I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness? » DAisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 23:33:14
my yearning for T was bout unmet needs I think.
Mebbe grief and wanting what I didn't have.
T appears so great cuz they just there for us, unconditionally, they don't tell us we annoy them and stuff.
so of course we wish to be with them.
and safety, I have parts that rarely feel safe, and being near T they felt safer somehow, and that was a wonderful thing for them.
we trying REALLy hard to not attach to new T.
but old T we kinda did.
still there's times we get kinda messed and we'd just as soon go sleep under her front porch.
but I got another friend who kinda makes me feel safe too, so thats useful.
I think we gotta learn to soothe ourownselves cuz we can't allus expect T's to I think.
mebbe you sad cuz it winter comming on?
some people get SAD and they use them light things.
I hate meds, but I will take them if I get bad enuf, but I like to try other stuff first.
TGC
M
Posted by meme3842 on September 20, 2008, at 22:01:49
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
Hi, Little Girl
You sound so sad and I feel for you. I can relate to so much of what you've said in your post, especially the part of about wanting to have mother, the longing, and feeling stuck because you want a mother first and then a relationship. I, too, am in my thirties and single and feel stuck, like I just want those mother-daughter moments. So I don't have any advice, because the longing comes in waves that feel more like surges. I think though that if you tell your therapist how you feel, how much longing the therapy provokes, that she will understand and help you weather out the feelings. Sometimes it feels good to get out of your mind and body and just let her know. Anyway, I thought I would just post and let you know that i understand.
Posted by sunnydays on September 21, 2008, at 9:53:27
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
I often wonder if therapy triggers me to be upset. I think at times it does, but the upset feelings would have come up in response to another trigger at some point anyway. I'm really sorry you are feeling so sad and I hope that you can comfort yourself as much as possible and be gentle with yourself. You will get through this.
sunnydays
Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 21, 2008, at 21:45:37
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
I haven't had the time (well, I guess the energy too) to respond to you all individually, but I wanted to thank you for your responses. Your thoughts and insight have given me a lot to think about. I think when I see my therapist this week, I need to be a little more courageous/open in speaking about my issues. I've been in contact with my therapist over the weekend, both via email and by phone. We usually do connect over the weekend, but it was extra helpful now.
Ready or not, I'm going back to work tomorrow; so it will be a long day; but hopefully all will go smoothly. I just hope noone asks me about my week off... I mean it was a vacation, but I didn't do anything, and because I felt so awful, it wasn't even relaxing. (And I'm not good at lying!)
Thank you again for your support. :)
LGL
Posted by onceupon on September 22, 2008, at 13:10:08
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
I get where you're coming from too. I wrote awhile back about longing for a mother, and am just starting to talk about this with my therapist. Sometimes I do feel that going to therapy triggers my sadness. It's the most intense when I'm there, of course, because I'm looking at it most intensely while I'm there. But all in all, I think it's probably good that that sadness gets triggered a little, because I'm really good at avoiding it IRL.
I would guess for a lot of people there's a fine line between expressing pain and feeling overwhelmed by it, though. Does your therapist help you strike this balance?
Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 22, 2008, at 21:57:17
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
It's weird, but I'm feeling lots better.
After talking to my T yesterday, she encouraged me to go out with a friend. As much as I knew I should, I just didn't have the energy, or the motivation; I had been trying to push myself all day (all week really). But after speaking to her, it was different, it was the extra boost I needed to push myself. Could it be that I wanted to hear it from her? Anyway, I called a friend and we went for a bite to eat.
I went back to work today, and well work was work, but in terms of this deep, desperate, aching sadness - it's just not there. Maybe it's diversion, part of it last week was hormonal, but now I'll be seeing my T tomorrow, and of course I'll need to bring all of this up, but it will be in my typical "news reporter" fashion. It's very hard for me to get back into the feelings because I almost don't remember them in a sense, they just seem so far away. I wish I could have seen her last Friday when the "hangover" was so bad; I/it would have been so authentic, and I'm always so (self)censored that that's a tough place to get to.
Wow though, what would trigger those maternal longings last week that were so strong it felt like they were suffocating me, and now just like that, they subside?
lgl
Posted by DAisym on September 22, 2008, at 23:14:01
In reply to Re: I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 22, 2008, at 21:57:17
I think you experienced the feeling of getting your needs met. You said you felt better after talking to your therapist - you were longing for her and then you had her. And she "boosted" you.
It goes against what most of us were taught, but when those deep longings are met, even a little bit, they tend to calm down, kind of like, "Oh, OK, I don't have to be so big to get noticed and attended to." It is the same with babies and young children - we give them what they need and they settle down- they don't demand more.
I'm glad you are feeling better.
Posted by antigua3 on September 23, 2008, at 6:55:02
In reply to I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 20:03:05
I hesitate to write this because I don't want to give the wrong impression.
But... when I went into therapy 18, yes 18, years ago, I went into w/father issues. I didn't even know that I had mother issues.
Over the years, my T has become my good mother. She has taught me how a mother is supposed to behave and has given me what I didn't even know I missed. I know that early on I had that intense longing you're feeling right now, but we just keep working on it. She met my needs and taught me how to meet my needs that were outside of what she could provide. She was appropriately indignant or angry when she (we) felt that I had been treated badly at times, and she has stood up for me when I've needed her to. She helped me raise my children, too, because I guess I just didn't know how a good mother should be.
But along the way, something has happened. I've learned to do this for myself, to mother myself when I need it. We all need it. She showed me the way, and it was a long, hard road, but I feel much better about myself now.
Now I see her as a person, foibles and all, but I know how to talk to my own mother now, and not ache for something I can't have anymore.
What I'm saying is that it gets better. It really does, or at least in my experience. You are in the really hard part now, but hang in there, maybe get some meds to help you through, but you are doing really good work. As you trust her more, you will open up, about your siblings, and hopefully about the feelings she brings up in you. Yes, it's very painful, but I promise you, it's worth the effort.
take care,
antigua
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