Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 23:33:14
In reply to Re: I love my T, but is she triggering my sadness?, posted by DAisym on September 19, 2008, at 22:29:01
> It sounds like depression. Are you on medication and/or do you have a pdoc? Perhaps it is time to check in about this.
**I was afraid of that. I've been trying to fight it; thinking I'm just sad, but what's sad is I can just tell that the "spark" is missing from my life. I don't have a pdoc and am not on any meds; I was in the past, and actually I'm afraid to go back on them.
> I'm wondering why you haven't told your therapist about your siblings being gay? Does that somehow make you less perfect? After all you've written about her, I highly doubt that she'd leave you but I can see how offering up anything complicated about yourself would trigger more of that worry. I, too, worry about these kinds of things. But I bet she'd really want to know, so that together you could sort through what is real, and what are "just" you fears.**I think the reason I haven't told her about my siblings is because I'm embarrassed. (Only because it's my family, I don't have a problem with anyone else's sexual preferences.) I do worry that it makes me look less perfect, but I also worry that because I'm not married or have children yet either, what if she (or other people who know/knew) question my sexuality. There's also a sadness that not only is the pressure there for me to be the sole provider of my mother's grandchildren; well what if I don't (or can't) have children, I'll never even have any neices or nephews.
> There was a thread here a long while back in which we discussed how nice it must be for therapists to hear "I care about you," "I love you," or even, "thank you." We sort of debated the idea of saying these things. I think I took away from that the courage to tell my therapist how much he meant to me as my therapist - and we had this great discussion about my fantasies of him being something other than my therapist but how much I'd have to give up in order to have that.
**I think I remember that thread. And I've always admired your courage in the things that you've told and shared with your therapist. My therapist knows how much she means to me; I've given her cards, and we've both exchanged terms of endearment, but never the actual words "I love you"; I'd really like to be able to say that, even though I'm sure she knows it. Those are not words I grew up hearing or saying, so to be able to say it would be a big deal to me.
> Is she triggering your sadness? I'd say no but your relationship with her highlights what you didn't have, and still don't have, with your mom. The longing for a mother is deep and painful and I think we have to learn to grieve it all and then move on. Accepting who your mom is, and who she isn't, is a long process.
**Yes, I think that's it. She's highlighting what I didn't and don't have. The trauma I can avoid when I need to, but this is just so painful as she's right across from me and I'm longing for a mother. I just don't know why this/these feelings came up so suddenly though.
> I hope next week is better and easier than this one was.**Thanks Daisy, me too.
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:853006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/853033.html