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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
While on vacation, I was injured. It was serious enough to put a pretty big damper on things and I'm likely to need surgery later this month. The pain isn't the issue for me. It is the loss of control and feeling so conspicuous - people keep asking me if I'm OK and want to help. This should be a good thing, but I hate, hate, hate it. I'm sure this is triggering lots of old feelings - being able to be invisible was so important. And I felt like such a burden - and needed to pretend everything was fine. Depression has descended like a thick fog and doesn't seem likely to lift soon.
I figured out that I hate what a fake I am. I hate going, "it's fine - really, I'll just make the best of it" - even though that is exactly what I did, after all, what else can you really do? And yet I hate when I show all the sad and angry feelings in therapy, even though those come from the real me. I can see that I'm making a choice to hide my real self from the world, but nothing is going to convince me that the world would ever want to know the real me and see the real feelings. But it is exhausting to work this hard to stay hidden and it is lonely. The conflict feels insurmountable.
To make it all worse, my therapist told me something really wonderful that is happening in his life so I really feel trapped in the fake place - I know I don't have to hide what I'm feeling from him but I feel like I should. I'm finding it hard to admit how deep the depression is and how fragile I feel. I don't want to add stress or be a pain to him right now even though I know I'm supposed to be honest about everything. Especially since I've made a big deal in the past about him trusting me with some personal stuff - telling him I can handle it and it won't get in the way of therapy. Here it is again - another huge conflict.
I want to duck therapy for the time being. But I don't know if this will make things worse. Really I just want to sleep forever and not deal with it.
Posted by Phillipa on May 2, 2008, at 23:36:32
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
Daisy that does sound like depression. How were you hurt no need to answer if uncomfortable. But I feel that a lot of people put on the same front in public. Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2008, at 7:41:36
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
I'm so sorry that you got hurt on your vacation. Being hurt sucks for so many reasons.
One of them, as you indicated, is that, without your permission, the world gets to see that you are having a tough go of it.
It flies directly into conflict with everything we've been taught and learned to do. It's hard to say "I'm fine" when you're clearly (and visibly) not. I certainly understand that conflict.
But I would point out that people are responding to you with offers to help. While that may make us uncomfortable as well, people certainly aren't just ignoring what you are going through, but are offering to come to your aid. Do you think their offers are genuine?
I think sometimes its not about what the world wants to see about us, but what we want to show the world.
I'm learning the world is a pretty resilient place. It can absorb all kinds of anger, sadness and hurt without being really freaked out or put upon. I struggle with this too, and unfortunately routinely beg for my therapist's forgivness for being such a burden.
I would like to stop that and accept the help that, as a human being, I am entitled to.
Your physical wounds will heal, and maybe this would be a good time to directly address the emotion wounds of feeling like a burden and showing the world what is going on with you.
I pretty confident that your therapist would want to know what is going on with you and would want to be let in.
Seldom.
Posted by Nadezda on May 3, 2008, at 11:02:30
In reply to Re: Being Hurt » Daisym, posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2008, at 7:41:36
I'm sorry that happened, Daisy. I dislike being with people when I'm in pain-- physical or emotional--and I really fear that they'll see how hard it is, sometimes. Seldomseen is right, though, the world is more resilient and concerned-- and willing to help-- then we can realize. People often can't help-- or don't know what to do-- and sometimes their reactions are disturbing.
I think you're right, in a way-- that people have limits to how much they want to hear. But I may be too close to that one. I had a fair amount of chronic pain for several years, and when I talked about it, I always kept it much lighter than it felt, but it did seem that at least acknowledging it make it easier to get through the day-- and do those things that made it worse, when they were important (which was a lot),
Pain is so invisible and unreal when you're not feeling it-- and so I think other people can't really take in how much it preoccupies the person who's feeling it. At least that's how I felt-- of course mine wasn't "visible"-- and therefore, I could mask a lot of what was going on-- and you have to cope with loss of control over that. I know that must be aggravating and dismaying. But I do think we (or they) have some ability to be caring, thoughtful, ,and even helpful (especially if there's anything concrete we/they can do) in a way that's mutually strengthening-- if you can accept and respect and feel respected by the other person's wish to help. It is hard, though--
Maybe this will sound weird, but perhaps you can rethink the pain-- not as vulnerability and weakness, but as some sort of profound experience that you're going through-- some sort of dipping into a pool that will gives you a deeper view under the surface--difficult, but enlarging-- I'm not sure-- just something more positive and enriching, or engaging, rather than a sign of deficit-- in fact, something that you're be able to offer others, too.
About your T, though-- I know he would want to know. I mean, not just that you should tell him, but that he would want you to. I'm pretty sure it won't spoil his good time. He's got more inner capacities than that-- for feeling his own happiness without letting it be spoiled, while feeling sad, or even concerned, about how you are. I just know he'd be more sad if he knew you couldn't tell him, than he ever would be if you had the confidence in him to do it.
Nadezda
Posted by muffled on May 3, 2008, at 11:44:33
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
my bit, is that it can be REALLY hard to accept help from others. Dunno why.
I am learning to in some ways.
I tell myself that it helps THEM to feel good. That helping others feels good.
I don't worry that I owe them or nothing. I always say thanks, and what goes around comes around. And if we all help where we can, then its a good thing.
Which is not to say there are those who say 'can I help?' and DON'T really wanto help. But there are those who GENUINELY DO want to help.
Try and let them.
Its scarey, but not so bad.
I just keep saying it helps THEM too.
M
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2008, at 12:20:27
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
I'm sorry you got hurt. And while I admire you for making the best of it, I know how frustrating it must have been to need to do that when you were looking forward to not having to make the best of things.
Unfortunately the truth, or at least my truth, is that it *is* better to keep up a front. That most people don't want to know how you really are. They don't really want you to share. A small subset of the world wants to know the real you and see your real feelings. But we really are fortunate to have that small subset. Including our therapists.
Hmmm... I tend to feel like I need to keep my needs to myself when my therapist is feeling particularly good or particularly bad himself. I guess that's why they have all those boundaries in place. :( It *is* hard to handle personal stuff well, and not let it get in the way of therapy. In some ways, I think that's what I mean about my new phase of therapy. That it's partly seeing that he's a person with his own stuff going on, and managing to keep therapy going while also balancing recognition of that.
Of course just as I say that I'm getting the perception that he is retreating a bit into a blank slate. Maybe he didn't like my assessment of what was going on. :)
It's a balancing act in some ways. Managing to be happy for him and his good news while simultaneously being able to say "I am really glad for you, and now lets talk about my stuff."
(The something really wonderful doesn't happen to be anything that will have any negative consequences for you, is it? My therapist and I have an understanding. As much as I care about him, I reserve the right to resent anything that will affect my therapy. He *says* he likes the honesty of that. That most people feel it and he's glad I can say it.)
Posted by rskontos on May 3, 2008, at 14:55:41
In reply to Re: Being Hurt » Daisym, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2008, at 12:20:27
Daisym,
I am conflicted now on how I feel in reading your posts and the others so I will just say I feel your pain, and my first thought I would have to explain and I am maybe not up to it. So for now, I will say I truly understand and I am sorry you are hurt.
I hope it gets better and the depression lifts. Depression is a cruel animal. (((((Daisym)))))
rsk
Posted by Fallsfall on May 3, 2008, at 16:29:53
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
I want to know the real you and see your real feelings.
Love,
Falls
Posted by raisinb on May 4, 2008, at 11:03:18
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
Daisy, I'm so sorry you are hurt, and that it damaged your vacation.
I used to have a friend who was a therapist (we had a dramatic falling-out, but she did give me some words of wisdom that I've kept with me). One of the things she used to say is that if we give others the opportunity to help us, we are giving them a gift. Most people--caring, good, honest people--truly want to experience themselves as caring, as making a positive difference in someone else's life (I know you feel that way yourself, right? :)).
I think sometimes the awkwardness comes when they don't know exactly what help you need. Do you want emotional support? Empathy? Or just a ride to work and some grocery shopping? They don't want to make your pain worse, so they hang back a bit. Also, as someone else has said, they might just not understand and know that they don't have anything to say. If you tell them exactly what they can offer, I think that helps.
Aside from that are your own feelings of being a burden. I agree with the others that of course your therapist would want to know. He cares too much about you to want you to hide that.
And sometimes, I have realized that there are people whose help I really *don't* want. Because it ends up being more burdensome to me than not getting what they provide (my mother, for instance, is a prime example). And if you feel that way, that's okay too.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 5, 2008, at 13:02:46
In reply to Being Hurt, posted by Daisym on May 2, 2008, at 22:26:03
I'm sorry, Daisy -- for the pain of your injury, your probable surgery and the stuff with your T. I understand the need to be invisible and just had a huge reminder of this during my own surgery last month. But it all went better than I expected. Still, I do understand this place you're in.
I hope it all gets at least slightly better soon.
(((((((Daisy)))))))
This is the end of the thread.
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