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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 29, 2008, at 3:36:38
Hi,
I'm still new here, I think. But everything I've read in this forum makes me think I'm in the right place. I need a little wisdom.
I started therapy in January with a psychiatrist. He does meds (for my depression) and psychotherapy, generally psychodynamic. Last week, we had an intense session where we finally admitted a very eroticized transference, meaning mine, into the room.
At times I believe he feels the same way. I asked him. He looked at his feet and refused to answer.
Today we debriefed on last time. He said that I had a right to passion in my life (my biggest problem is a rather passionless marriage) but insisted that, given that I can't leave my marriage because I've got a small child, this passion was probably best pursued in fantasy.
Then he blushed and looked at his feet again.
The way I'm telling this story, obviously, it makes me think the guy's not just talking about *my* fantasies. At the same time, he made sure to project a lot of firm boundaries today. I felt disconnected from him, like I couldn't access his unconscious the way I could last time.
Anyone else have this experience? What comes next? Forgive me for sounding so very amoral; I'm suffocating in my marriage, basically.
Thanks,
BSD
Posted by Phillipa on April 29, 2008, at 12:21:22
In reply to Advice, please?, posted by backseatdriver on April 29, 2008, at 3:36:38
How well I know the feeling of suffocation and then the other partner sabotaging any forward progress. I would not get involved with my therapist though. Boundaries are important to me. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2008, at 12:37:03
In reply to Advice, please?, posted by backseatdriver on April 29, 2008, at 3:36:38
Is he young? He's not acting with assurance, but it's hard to say what that means in terms of how he feels.
It sounds as if he's going to be professional and keep appropriate boundaries. I'm guessing therapy will probably continue as therapy, and you'll continue to work on whatever you and your therapist consider to be important to work on. I guess in terms of your feelings for him, he may or may not encourage discussion of it. It will likely depend on how he sees your issues and what is helpful for you, and probably also on his theoretical viewpoint.
Have you asked him?
Posted by raisinb on April 29, 2008, at 13:14:21
In reply to Advice, please?, posted by backseatdriver on April 29, 2008, at 3:36:38
Hi BSD,
Welcome and yes, you are definitely in the right place.This is a tough situation. It's difficult to know how your therapist feels--and, if he's good at his job, you will not ever know. What's most important is that you have a safe space to explore all the possible meanings of your feelings. Part of it is that you aren't satisfied in your marriage, but usually intense erotic feelings have many more dimensions, too, and it takes a lot of time to work through all those meanings and how they relate to the rest of your life. Your therapist's job is to help you with that. He may or may not feel the same way, but in the end it's not important how he feels. It's how you feel and how you use that to understand yourself and your life more completely.
Since you just admitted this to your therapist, it is hard to see how he will handle this. Best advice, I think, is to wait and see if feeling this way, and exploring it with him, is helping you or not.
Best wishes. This can be really hard but very rewarding, too.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 30, 2008, at 8:50:39
In reply to Re: Advice, please? » backseatdriver, posted by Dinah on April 29, 2008, at 12:37:03
He's sixty-ish. I know he works hard on his marriage. He is proud of still being in it despite how it sometimes is such a disappointment to him.
I've asked him if he is okay with talking about my erotic feelings for him. He says we can talk about whatever I'd like to talk about. Also, if he feels I am talking around erotic material, he calls me out on it. So he brings it up sometimes too.
In general he doesn't put limits on subject matter, though he will tell me if I seem to be stuck on an issue, and then we talk about the stuckness. Sometimes I insist on having it my way, and we continue to talk about the original issue, but he generally doesn't hide his irritation. His countertransference is also fair game.
I sense that he is empty-nesting. So my daughter is interesting to him as well. Sometimes I feel like he is imagining me as the wife he didn't have, the one who got away.
But I don't like being married, and I wouldn't marry him even if he asked on bended knee. What I want - and this is awful to say - is a torrid secret affair that lasts about two months and then, unscathed and happy with each other, we decide to see each other quarterly, 20 minutes in his office and we both keep our clothes on, just so he can monitor my meds!
Maybe there's the rub: I don't want to be married, and I don't want to be in therapy, either.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 30, 2008, at 8:53:07
In reply to Re: Advice, please? » backseatdriver, posted by raisinb on April 29, 2008, at 13:14:21
Raisinb, I think you are spot-on with your recommendation to wait and see. This needs to ripen, one way or another. Waiting is always the hardest part - I'm one of those people who reads the end of the book first, to see how it all turns out in the end. But, you are right, I need to hang in. Time moves in only one direction and I can't make it go faster. Thank you for your insights...
Posted by backseatdriver on April 30, 2008, at 8:58:04
In reply to Re: Advice, please? » backseatdriver, posted by Phillipa on April 29, 2008, at 12:21:22
Phillipa -- I wonder if the suffocation is me or him (husband), if the problem is that I'm just not daring to breathe or if he really is behaving in such a way that I *can't* breathe. My sessions with my T sometimes mirror this. And sometimes it is me, and sometimes it is my T, holding me back or holding himself back, not wanting to say something or to dwell on a painful idea.
Funny thing about this T: He doesn't make me "feel my feelings." He encourages me to share what I feel and to be as precise and articulate as I can about it. But if something seems uncomfortable, he will actually change the subject! I used to feel shamed by this -- as if I had said something untoward. But no, he told me it was just his way of making the conversation less painful for me.
He can be anxious like that. Jumps the gun, changes the subject as soon as he senses my discomfort. I told him, slow down, we can stay with this, I need to stay with this. Let me take a breath, in other words, and exhale, and say something...
Posted by backseatdriver on April 30, 2008, at 8:58:50
In reply to Re: Advice, please?, posted by backseatdriver on April 30, 2008, at 8:58:04
This is the end of the thread.
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