![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 10 to 34 of 40. Go back in thread:
Posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:21:57
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
>hang in for what?
SERIOUSLY...FOR FREAKING WHAT?Indeed.
Life sucks and it ends badly.
Even so.....
Posted by MissK on April 22, 2008, at 19:12:38
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:19:03
I liked your post Sigismund.
>You know, perhaps none of your dreams will come true.
Maybe not some or all of the original ones; I've found they can and do change. Sometimes, it's hard accepting them to change though.
Posted by AbbieNormal on April 22, 2008, at 19:43:29
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
Depression sucks. Mean people suck. Living with one REALLY sucks.
I'm so sorry life is so cruddy for you now. I hope you will believe (even a tiny little bit) that your life will change. Life won't always suck this bad. Sometimes it will suck tho. Then changes will happen, and it won't suck as badly. Honest.
Life does change. Really truly. It never stays the same for very long. Right now it sucks horribly. A year from now it will be different. Please stick around and see.
Abbie
Posted by Happyflower on April 22, 2008, at 20:17:53
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by I need a hug on April 22, 2008, at 16:13:43
((((((((((((((((((((B2)))))))))))))))))))))))
You are special, I see it, and so do others. I really don't like what you husband says about you wanting a bigger family. What a mean and cruel thing to say to you.Even if you call everyone you know, and nobody says what you want, you have your daughter who can't verbally express what you mean to her in so many ways. So there is at least one person in your real life. For me, my kids are everything to me, it keep me going through this depression.
And about your art work, you are VERY talented, I was really impressed with your art work. I wished I saved it, I especially like the one with the tree. It is how I feel and you put what I feel into a painting, and that is incredible talent to do. (especially my twisted feelings)
B2, when is your next T appointment? I think you better call him. I was thinking of you this morning, so it was funny to see your post, even though it isn't a happy one. I miss you and glad you posted, and I hope you keep doing so. ((((B2)))
Posted by seldomseen on April 22, 2008, at 21:00:59
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
Personally, realizations, even the sucky ones, can be a very strong impetus for change.
I think what you are saying very clearly now is "yeah, my life sucks and what I am going to do about it".
I've been there. I hear you. I've stood right where you are standing right now. Enough is enough.
You've got a huge choice ahead of you and I hope you haven't already made it.
Is this the end of something, or is this the beginning of something?
I've learned that life opens up to us in very strange ways and we are never, ever trapped.
The choices we made in the past do not have to be the choices we continue to make in the future.
Good luck to you B2chica.
If you need us, we are here.Peace.
Posted by obsidian on April 22, 2008, at 21:50:54
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
yeah...I know what it feels like to be "tired"
I'm sorry, I hope things ease for you soon
(((you)))
-sid
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 0:09:47
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 14:48:12
Sorry you in such a bad space right now B2.
Wassup with your T?
Hows the meds thing working out?
Sorry, I kinda outta the loop.
Ya, life can be pretty damn sh*tty sometimes, lotsa times.
Other day, I was kinda messed, and I was laying on grass, and looking at weeds, and then this frikken shiny black ant goes walking on by. It was so COOL! Its little anteenae waving, it was so SHINY. It was weird. Amazing.
Y'know, its real hard being a MOm. Real hard. Specially if you got no support. Ya love your kid so much, but they can bring out best and worst in ya. Its hard, you want so bad for everything to be OK for them. But life don't always work out so's you can do alls you want for yer kids. And manoman, I feel so bad as to how I have affected my kids as a result of my issues. But y'know, my one kid I worry bout most, he been doing better some lately. I been doing better more too.
So I dunno, my dreams all gone to sh*t too, TOTALLY. I never done sh*t all w/my life, and I had opportunities, I just f*ck*d it all up, and now my body wrecked some, and I getting old some, so there's lots more restrictions on what I can do....regrets, damn I got plenty of them.
But I not gonna frikken give up damnit. NO. F*ck that, I keep going, one foot in front of the other, and sometimes the roads pretty nice, other times I wading thru sh*t.
Its real hard to be alone and mentally abused by the one who should support you.
I wonder where you could get some support? Like mothers groups? If T no good, mebbe can find another? Can you focus on what possibilities there are for change in your life. I can see as you feel trapped, but things can and do change. Freakin asking for the moon if you depressed, but depression has passed before for you, so mebbe you can think...ok...I just make it thru this f*ck*ng shithole hell I in now, and things bound to get better eventually, SOMETHING will change eventually, and when I feeling better, I gonna try and do what I need to do to try and improve my life situation, even a tiny bit.
Or go lay on the grass and look at ants. SHINY black ants, tiny little weeds sprouting, and dirt. Not a bad 5 mins spent for me. I enjoyed it.
Mebbe itsa my version of smelling roses, cuz I not so dainty, so I look at ants.
B2, you got some great talent, and great kindness inside, and lotsa love to give.
I send ya the very best wishes I can.
Your a good person.
I know these things.
Hell I a nut, but WTF, I a NICE nut, reckon that oughtta count for somethin eh?
So....
cares sent your way to ALLA you OK?
Hugs for thems that wants em.
A slug un the arm for thems that'd prefer that.
And I'll just sit quietly beside anybodys who wants company.
Hell, there's plenty of me to go around!(LOL).
Luv ya,
Take care
M
Posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:13:43
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2008, at 18:19:03
-ya, trapped...suffocating, buried alive.
-..she's so perfect sig, i took her out on the swing last night and started crying cuz she's so perfect, i don't understand how someone like her came from me.
-i cant seem to name anything i'm doing right these days, at work or home even with being a mother and my DH reminds me, it seems i'm always doing something wrong.
i agree with what i look at in others, but i can't seem to see any of that or anything worthwhile in me.
Posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:17:23
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** - realization., posted by seldomseen on April 22, 2008, at 21:00:59
> If you need us, we are here.k
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:01:50
In reply to tired of it...**S. TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on April 22, 2008, at 12:24:07
You have a beautiful baby, so you can't be a failure at everything you've tried.
It sounds to me as if you're very angry. (Although I certainly could be wrong.) When I get very angry, I sometimes want to hurt myself. And not even because I think hurting myself will hurt others. I think I just turn it inwards. If you are feeling angry, maybe you could express it (in a legal and nondestructive way) to whoever you're angry with?
My son was really worried for a while about failure. And one day he sat down and asked me about all the possible things he could do to screw up his life, from failing a test up to and including failing to stop the world from being taken over by an alien invasion. I was surprised to find that I actually believed what I told him. That the worst that can happen is that life as you expect it to be might be over, but that life itself goes on. And that you can build new hopes and dreams and new expectations.
This from a person terrified of failure.
Don't you have dreams for your daughter? Dreams you'd like to help her achieve? Do you really want to leave her to the total care of your husband?
Even if you're feeling furious with or disappointed in your therapist, please give him or her a call. There may be meds to help you through the worst of this time of feeling so very very bad. And if your therapist can't help you build new dreams based on where you are right now, you can build them without your therapist's help.
But right now I can hear how very very bad you're feeling. And right now you need to find ways to hang on until you feel less bad. Risperdal helps me with that. Maybe there is something that can help you with it?
Posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:01:50
my T isn't the answer. nothing is. its the same problems over and over. i'm just messed up in the head. over and over and freaking over again. dont you ever get tired of having me come on here and saying i want to die?? seriously? then i get better, then i come back AGAIN. i'm tired of it.
i DO want to be there for my DD. but then i think about how DH and i fight and the things he says that i try to correct so that she wont take things to heart when she gets older, and i feel like its an endless battle. that if i weren't there there would be no fighting.
i know what's right for her but my DH doesn't see it and doens't understand it and argues with me then says its all in my head and why should he listen to me after all i see a therapist.
i am angry, angry at myself for not being able to stop the repetition of what i grew up with (tears). i wanted so much more for my daughter.maybe with me out of her life he can just raise her the way he wants no arguement. afterall his family is good. its just different from what i want for her.
i know his sister would step right up for her.
i have some savings that would help pay off our debt.
i just have to find a time.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:45:04
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Dinah, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
I think you probably want more for your daughter than to have had her mother kill herself. I haven't had it happen to me, but from what I hear it's a far greater burden than any amount of fighting would be.
I understand you're tired. But you *do* feel better at times. And yes, you may feel bad again later. But you *do* feel better again.
There are ways to improve the atmosphere your daughter lives in, in terms of fighting with your husband. But once you're gone, there's no way to improve her chances of having a mother who loves her as you love her. Imperfect you may be, as we all are. But you're the only mother she'll ever have. Don't take that away from her. Seek help now. Try to improve conditions for her. But please don't take something away from her that she can never ever replace.
Have you had any recent medication changes? Are you on a regimen that has been helpful for you?
Posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 16:18:56
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 0:09:47
Muffled, thank you for that post about the ant. It was the best thing I've read in weeks :) Sometimes we find miracles in the most unexpected places.
B2 I agree with the others, call your T. This sounds too hard to get through all by yourself. Take care.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 18:13:31
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Dinah, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
Sounds like you are fighting something inside yourself very hard.
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 21:00:38
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » muffled, posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 16:18:56
Posted by rskontos on April 23, 2008, at 22:11:05
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:13:43
My dear friend, your DH is an As* and he is taking out his insecurities on you right now. Don't listen to him about what you can and can't do and what you are doing right or wrong. Personally I would like to slug him right now.
You are talented. I have seen your work too and I would buy any of your paintings. In fact, will you sell me one? I need some art for my house!!
Now, that perfect little one comes from you because you are special. Now don't argue with me I am older than you. So treat us ole' folks kindly and don't argue. You are good and you love her. And besides she loves you so you can't check out no matter WTF the IRL people say. And I would miss you and Babbler's would miss you. And who would raise that sweet child? DH? No I didn't think so.
Yeah trapped I get that. Yeah I am trapped in my head. But you can dig yourself out slowly but surely.
He*l none of us always do stuff right but that is ok too. And forget DH oh yeah I already said that. You do plenty right just look at that sweet baby.
I can think of plenty worthwhile in you. And plenty others see it too.
So you can pull yourself up out of the muck. A wise babbler told me this when I felt like you, that what I really wanted was my soul to soar free of all its confinements on Earth. And that is true so it is up to us to find a way to soar while on Earth. And that can be done.
Watching ants like Muffy does. Watching a sunset, or swinging with a beautiful baby :)
you will weather this sucky time. we are here for you.
(((((((((((((((B2c)))))))))))))))
rsk
Posted by Racer on April 24, 2008, at 0:38:21
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Dinah, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
I'm so sorry you're feeling so hurt right now. And I'm very sorry that your husband sounds as though he's being a right [expletive deleted] about this whole thing.
And, as others have said, it would be a life-long tragedy for your daughter if you did any such thing.
You know my first reaction, though? It was this: you have what I most wanted in life and can't have. Hearing that you are considering throwing that away triggered a huge emotional response in me -- I'm crying, I'm angry that you have something I want so badly and don't recognize how precious that is.
So, you want to end your life because you and your husband are having trouble with child-rearing. I want to end my life because I cannot have children and am trapped in a relationship which makes me sicker by the day. (Shades of my childhood.)
Have you called your therapist? Have you called your psychiatrist? Does your psychiatrist have any experience with post partum depression issues? Is there any way you could get your husband into marriage counseling? Instead of leaving your daughter, can you leave your husband -- at least temporarily?
You have other options. I hope that you will see why those other options might be better for all concerned.
Posted by Sigismund on April 24, 2008, at 3:04:43
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 8:13:43
Sometime we should have a whole thread on being trapped.
I find it interesting from a number of angles.
I suspect the way of life we have makes us prone to it; but then I would.As you get older and fall apart, it gives you more reason to admire the beauty of kids.
FWIW, and I imagine this will annoy people, I think self esteem is the kind of concept only imaginable in an atomised society.
When there was a sense of community you didn't need self-esteem.
Your community suffocated you or supported you.I was listening to an Australian journalist talking about America.
He said that, compared to us, Americans put more effort into their lives.
I assume that means they cope less well with failure.
At the least, they do not make ironic legends out of it.He also said that Americans are more self possessed, and if not possessed by themselves they were possessed by something else, in particular religion.
I only mention these cross cultural things because I am interested in the extent to which our problems are influenced by our context.
>-ya, trapped...suffocating, buried alive.-..she's so perfect sig, i took her out on the swing last night and started crying cuz she's so perfect, i don't understand how someone like her came from me.
-i cant seem to name anything i'm doing right these days, at work or home even with being a mother and my DH reminds me, it seems i'm always doing something wrong.
i agree with what i look at in others, but i can't seem to see any of that or anything worthwhile in me.
Posted by Sigismund on April 24, 2008, at 3:08:52
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Dinah, posted by B2chica on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:38
>I am angry, angry at myself for not being able to stop the repetition of what i grew up with (tears). i wanted so much more for my daughter.
Yes. That is particularly important.
Posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 7:52:50
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by Sigismund on April 24, 2008, at 3:04:43
i like the idea of a thread on being trapped. what makes us feel that way.
and i feel two ways 1)trapped and 2)buried alive
so i'd be interested in a discussion between the two.
then again who knows, maybe i'm the only one, so another discussion with myself.Sig, i know the logic of death by my own hand would be wrong for so many reasons, but emotionally i have so many reasons why i should. and i don't feel like anyone can help me with this battle. it's in my own head and heart. and i think that's what hurts so much. that i'm alone in this huge, terrifying and difficult battle.
and when i feel like i'm loosing, there are no magic words any person can say, they can't match the logic/illogic of my own mind.all i can say is it hasn't got worse these last few days. not better for sure, but not worse and i guess that's something...for now.
Posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 7:54:56
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** B2C, posted by rskontos on April 23, 2008, at 22:11:05
Posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 10:26:34
In reply to Re: tired of it...**S. TRIGGER** » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 7:52:50
in a philisophical conversation to keep my mind questioning.
i started to do really well at work today, mind clear on some tough analysis. and i felt good emailing my boss basically finally being a few steps ahead of him instead of him riding me. but after it was done i felt like i was 'cleaning up', ya know, getting my ducks in a row.i know this is a fight for my mind. logic, illogic, emotion, sometimes i even wonder how much emotion is involved. it's like i starts that way but soon becomes more of a logical argument against the universe about my destiny to die. and my fighting the fates.
my last T and i discussed this alot and i think i miss that. i know i'm drawn to liminal places and that is hard, its not the draw to S. thinking, but its part in keeping me there.*****
for those wondering about my child. when im right next to my IRL little one, right there, caring for her loving her especially for long times like weekends it seems to help. but the MINUTE i'm away, it's like that existence is a ghost for me, like it isn't real and all the other negatives are so much more real they overpower and everything else is distant or nonexistant.
and i don't wish to include her in conversations of this here. but she is infact a constant in my mind.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 24, 2008, at 11:31:13
In reply to somebody engage me...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 10:26:34
Hi, B2chica. I've been reading and keeping quiet in my usual dumb-struck way. I do think that living for someone else's sake isn't the way to keep us going from moment to moment - for the very reason that when that person isn't right in front of us, then that reason is also removed.
And I also think that *S* thoughts are disordered thinking and can be helped with medication and therapy. I am so glad that you are reaching out to us here on the boards and I'm continuing to wonder where your current T is figuring in your situation right now.
Are they aware of your state of mind? Is your pdoc? When our feelings of low self worth have suck so low - why on earth do we bother with existence when it plainly isn't going to get better (we tell ourselves when we are like this)?
Where do your caregivers stand, B2?
ClearSkies
Posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 12:00:47
In reply to Re: somebody engage me...**S. TRIGGER** » B2chica, posted by ClearSkies on April 24, 2008, at 11:31:13
i agree. stopping for someone else just doensn';t cut it, and i'm worried about the line of my DD thinking its her duty to keep me afloat. and that is just so incredibly wrong it angers me.
i'm kinda suprised i'm talking as much as i am. maybe for different reasons. but i've always trusted this place. i guess i have nothing to loose by saying the truth here, right.
my meds as always work for a little while then don't. but because i now have to care for someone else i just can't play around with trying a new drug every other month. and my choices are getting slimmer and slimmer.
i met with my pdoc two weeks ago. i was up but somehow even ended up breaking down bawling in his office. "we" decided to "wait it out" till "next visit", i did manage to request a quicker visit instead of 6 weeks i wanted 4. but his schedule is so packed i ended up with 5 weeks. so three more weeks to go, ha.
i met with T yesterday. i almost didnt even feel like talking i mean whats the point right. but i did. i told her everything that had been going on the last two horrible weeks. and she didn't want to let me leave cuz she felt like i was holding something back. so i gently told her how i was feeling. not bluntly like i told you here. i also didn't mention the time frame. there's no need to scare or burden her. she's upset enough. she was terribly sick last week and had to cancel (missing second week with me)and i think a part of her worried that, that is what was upsetting me. i told her even before i spilled all the rest that though it may have effeted my emotional phone call to her and a later email, it wasn't why i was in the place i was now, and for crying out loud if your sick your sick. and she was TERRIBLY sick (she explained to me, which she didn't need to but i thought was really thoughtful).
talking to a T about death just seems to useless sometimes. my last T we used to talk about jung and death and sometimes that helped me. but you just can't do that with everyone ya know.
my pdoc isn't aware and quite frankly i don't think he cares. he has a million and one patients. i can never talk with him. i wish i could but i can't.
and whats weird is the more i think seriously about it, like (not details) but that it's going to happen the better i feel.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 24, 2008, at 14:05:26
In reply to Re: somebody engage me...**S. TRIGGER** » ClearSkies, posted by B2chica on April 24, 2008, at 12:00:47
> i agree. stopping for someone else just doensn';t cut it, and i'm worried about the line of my DD thinking its her duty to keep me afloat. and that is just so incredibly wrong it angers me.
>
> i'm kinda suprised i'm talking as much as i am. maybe for different reasons. but i've always trusted this place. i guess i have nothing to loose by saying the truth here, right.
>Nothing to lose, B2 - I always feel a tiny bit better by getting stuff out of my head and on to the screen here. Even if it's only better for a little while and it comes back, even just having the discussion seems to get me out of my head for a moment there.
> my meds as always work for a little while then don't. but because i now have to care for someone else i just can't play around with trying a new drug every other month. and my choices are getting slimmer and slimmer.
>I guess I'm thinking that it's perhaps more important that your medications work properly - but it's much harder to "play around" with them in order to find the right combination, because of the added pressures of being a mom and having to Be There for your little one.
> i met with my pdoc two weeks ago. i was up but somehow even ended up breaking down bawling in his office. "we" decided to "wait it out" till "next visit", i did manage to request a quicker visit instead of 6 weeks i wanted 4. but his schedule is so packed i ended up with 5 weeks. so three more weeks to go, ha.
>I don't think that now is a good time to wait for that next appointment, B2 - it kind of sounds like your medication isn't working well for you, or you wouldn't be feeling quite as dismal about your situation as you do. Can you possible call and ask for an earlier one, or for a cancellation? As difficult as it is right now, you have to be putting yourself first right now - and I don't think your present view of your Self is allowing you to do that.
> i met with T yesterday. i almost didnt even feel like talking i mean whats the point right. but i did. i told her everything that had been going on the last two horrible weeks. and she didn't want to let me leave cuz she felt like i was holding something back. so i gently told her how i was feeling. not bluntly like i told you here. i also didn't mention the time frame. there's no need to scare or burden her. she's upset enough. she was terribly sick last week and had to cancel (missing second week with me)and i think a part of her worried that, that is what was upsetting me. i told her even before i spilled all the rest that though it may have effeted my emotional phone call to her and a later email, it wasn't why i was in the place i was now, and for crying out loud if your sick your sick. and she was TERRIBLY sick (she explained to me, which she didn't need to but i thought was really thoughtful).
>
> talking to a T about death just seems to useless sometimes. my last T we used to talk about jung and death and sometimes that helped me. but you just can't do that with everyone ya know.
>
> my pdoc isn't aware and quite frankly i don't think he cares. he has a million and one patients. i can never talk with him. i wish i could but i can't.
>
> and whats weird is the more i think seriously about it, like (not details) but that it's going to happen the better i feel.
>
>B2, I think that your T does need to know how you are doing right now - and this has nothing to do with her own state of health. If I framed everything I said to my T based on how I thought her life was going with her own problems and issues, then I'd never open my mouth at all! Our T's leave their own issues outside the therapeutic room when they are in session with us, and that's so we can talk with them without having to think about how they are going to react to what we are saying.
I do think she needs to know about your current thoughts about your plans for the future.
CS
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