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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
Over the past couple of months I have had a really difficult time being open in therapy. I get there and no matter what I planned to bring up ahead of time, I just shut down. I don't intend for it to happen, and I try to visualize talking and being open but it's like something takes over and I find myself unable to say much of anything.
Does this happen to anyone else, and how have you dealt with it?
I keep thinking that part of the problem is that I don't know who my therapist "really" is, and I have no reason to trust him. Also, more and more in the past year or two I've found myself avoiding feeling as much as I can. I know in the long run this won't turn out well, but it just seems so critical not to experience feelings. I sometimes wonder if it's my medication that's affecting this, or if it's simply a coping strategy I use to "protect" myself.
I don't know if I'm going to go back to therapy. I feel like a loser because I can't even do therapy right. My therapist was really frustrated today because I would barely talk or tell him what I want to do in therapy. I have no problem expressing things in writing, and have done that with this therapist a couple of times but he prefers to talk about things in session. It doesn't work out because I'll write things but then he wants to talk about it at the next session and I just don't know how.
Basically it's come down to him pointing out that if I'm unwilling to talk about feelings etc then therapy's not working and I should find another therapist or whatever. For me I think this inability to express anything is something that could be worked on in therapy but I don't know how on earth to do that when I am putting up what he called a "brick wall."
I don't know if I'm going to go anymore. I feel like I'm just wasting my money and time, not to mention his time. I feel bad for frustrating him but I feel mad that I'm not being understood. He said I said things during the last session that hurt him but I just say I don't care. And it feels like I don't, but deep down I know if I were able to feel, I would feel bad about hurting him.
I just don't know what to do. Nobody in my family, none of my close friends have gone to therapy, and just the other day my mom said she would never go to therapy for anything. The therapy process, the entire idea of it, is not something I grew up with. I have tried to explain this to the therapist, but he just doesn't seem to get it and why it affects me so much even now. It's like I got to a certain point in working with him and after that I just shut down.
Somebody else has to have gone through this. If you have any ideas about how to move forward, please comment. I feel like I have to choose between quitting (and never going to therapy again, because the thought of going through this all over again is exhausting) or continuing to go but not knowing how to deal with this wall and his frustration at it. If I quit, I'll always be mad at myself and even hate myself for quitting and not getting over this shutting down thing. But I don't know how I can keep going when I turn into a mean, terse brick wall once I walk through the door.
Posted by Annierose on April 10, 2008, at 6:02:15
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
It's curious that you only give yourself two choices --- continue with this therapist or never ever going to therapy again.
But yes, I have experienced this sort of feeling. I have worked with my therapist for many years. There was a year where I grew very quiet. I was trying to feel comfortable in her office, so I would just focus on my breathing and not much else. Of course, I would say something, but not what was really important. One day my therapist became impatient and in my opinion woke me up from my meditative state. I don't remember much what was said now, but I recall being scared. I learned that instead of trying to undo the uncomfortable feelings I needed to share and put into words what that uncomfortable feeling felt like.
The more I shared, the more I was able to open up to her.
Trusting your emotional self to a therapist can be scary and can take a long time to develop. Maybe there is a part of you that doesn't trust this therapist or is testing him. Instead of trying to talk about stuff, try to talk about what is going through your mind as you do not talk. That is where I started.
Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2008, at 7:33:00
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
I agree with Annierose.
I've found that talking about not being able to talk eased me into talking. And was valuable in establishing a trusting relationship.
Not that I precisely had trouble talking. I had trouble saying anything of meaning.
Also, my therapist used to ask me to read what I write him aloud in session. I had written the words, which was far easier for me than to think of them under the pressure of the presence of another. But it also brought an element of speaking them myself.
And of course, it also is important to decide if your therapist is the right therapist to put your trust into. It took me a while to figure that out.
Posted by frida on April 10, 2008, at 8:20:41
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
dear estrellita,
i've had the same problem (i still do to a certain extent) but i'd tell you to keep trying...
it's a very hard difficulty and it is painful and frustrating for both, but it takes time and effort...the same thing would happen to me and still happens sometimes...no matter how much urgency i feel to be there and talk, how much i imagine talking to my T and sharing with her, most of the time i go, sit and can't find the way to break this silence and let down these painful walls.
she's tried so many things and now it is a little better (i've seen her for years now and it took a long long time). At first, i would spend the whole hour in silence or justifying myself or apologizing...so if i could do this, anyone can :-)
she has expressed frustration in the past, because we both feel bad about it..she feels bad that she has to be like a 'detective' or that she's not able to get me to talk or help me, and that i don't talk and then i feel so bad afterwards at having missed the chance...but we've talked about this very thing and that is what has helped.
in my case, i am just not used to talking about myself and feelings..whatever i start saying, there's a part me that judges it and i go silent again. Now it's a little easier because i do trust my T more. What has helped is talking about this difficulty and how it made me feel...exploring if i experienced that only with her, telling her what i feel that stops me from talking...and writing.
As your T, mine then would want me to bring it up in therapy and i wouldn't...so it didn't work to leave letters or send emails only...but what did work was /is to write to her before i go , sharing what i'd like to share...at least briefly...and then take it and have her read it there with me. Sometimes she reads aloud. It's easier to connect that way...and to focus on what you truly wanted to share before you shut down...other times i've tried reading aloud myself. It's hard, but sometimes i was able and it's very positive.
i find it difficult sometimes to say the smallest of things, like my opinion on a book or anything. we've talked about this feeling i have that what i say doesn't matter or it's not good enough...
we've also talked about the things that are not working in T...for example, the times she gets frustrated and expresses this, i feel worse and shut down even more...she has told me why she feels this and we've agreed that i'm doing the best i can at this point and that we have to be patient with the part of me that can't talk or open up, and i feel less pressured.
The key i think is working as a team with your T, maybe discussing strategies, something that you could do when you are silent and you can't say a word.. maybe it would help if your T says something, or guides you a little...or if you write down what you want to say and hand it over to your T...
My T has said similar things (like maybe T is not working and she's not doing things which can help me if i can't say a word (without blaming me for it)), but this has been out of her own frustration and how she so wants me to talk...
maybe you can tell your T that you do want to break down the walls..and try to explore what happens...
and write things down but read them with him there...as a starting point...it gets easier , i promise, i know how hard it is and how painful also to hear that your T feels frustrated. i'd encourage you to write to him about all this, that is what helped me and my own T to try to let down this wall i've built over the years , as a way to protect myself, but now is painful and it isolates me..It truly has been worth it not to give up.
about feelings, that's been one of my fears. i keep things so much in control, that breaking down or crying or sharing feelings is really hard for me.
but i'm learning..i'd say that the fact that you have this wall and that this hurts you, is a problem that your T can help you with...
i see you are judging yourself a lot, i do the same, but that is even worse...i think that the best to do is to try to work out a plan with your T to deal with this together.
I used to think that i could go there unprepared at all and somehow i would find myself able to talk, but that didn't happen...i had to make an effort, and make myself read something,for example...but it's a step...baby steps...and seeing that everything is all right and that your T is there for you, will help you take other baby steps...
please don't lose hope, take it from someone who's been in T now for 8 years or so, and whose T has been really really frustrated because of my silence and high, thick walls, but has found a way to start breaking that silence.
the best of luck,
Frida
Posted by raisinb on April 10, 2008, at 9:14:45
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
I've spent three years having that problem with my therapist. There have been sessions I've refused to say anything but monosyllables, and sessions I've refused to answer anything she asks. We've talked endlessly about why I can't talk, and I agree with Dinah--that's how you get through it.
It does seem as though this is a trust issue. Your therapist should be able to work on trust issues with you; that's part of the reason we go to therapy (many of us, at least).
Try not to judge or be frustrated with yourself. You're doing exactly what your job is in therapy--let all your issues come out. Your therapist has to figure out how to work with them. I forget where I read it, but I have a quote in mind: "it's really the therapist's job to help the client enter into a relationship of emotional intimacy." Not to say that it's all his responsibility--you still have to do the work--but he should be able to help you through this block.
Talk to him about not being able to talk. I'm sure these feelings are coming up for a reason. Tell him exactly what you wrote--that you see no reason to trust him, and see where you get from there.
Posted by star008 on April 10, 2008, at 15:05:31
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
hi
my thoughts on your problem.. you may not have a good match in a T.. maybe you are not comfortable enough with him. some people i just match with and others I don't. Sometimes too, i have to make a huge effort to force words out..sometimes when i do that it isn't as bad as i thought it would be and then things are easier. I have know my T for many years and there are still tings that i can't make myself tell him.. therapy is alot of work..What if you wrote him letters and then tried to talk about the things you wrote since you don't have trouble writing. Don't feel guilty about not being able to open up.. It takes time.. How long have you known your T?
I hear people say they would never go to a T too. Well that is up to them but after you have been going awhile, you see that you are progressing and they are not. don't give up yet. It will bother you forever if you do...
Posted by Phillipa on April 10, 2008, at 22:31:57
In reply to Re: How to open up in therapy? » estrellita, posted by star008 on April 10, 2008, at 15:05:31
Not changing subject but in the car all day and thought duh!!!! get two small tape recorders and record my meltdown time the tears and conversation with husband better to me than writing when not feeling the feeling. Agree also may not be the right fit. But it took me months for finally a good session and for her to "get it". Good luck Phillipa
Posted by CareBear04 on April 11, 2008, at 20:12:12
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
estrellita--
i'm glad you posted. i'm having the exact same experience, and it's incredibly frustrating! before my appointment and sometimes during the week, i think of things to say or mention to him, but when i get there, i just freeze up. my T has also expressed frustration, and i feel equally frustrated. there have been some Ts that i've purposely shut out because i didn't like them and sort of wanted to piss them off. that's not the case here, though. i like my T, and i'd like to be able to say what i'm feeling or even just answer his questions without excessive pauses while i try to figure out how i should answer. a couple of times, he has asked me what i want from him. at least he has acknowledged that he doesn't think i do it on purpose, but i don't feel better about it. it makes me feel hopeless because if i can't make use of therapy even with a T i like, then i don't think i'll ever get better and shouldn't bother trying. it's not that i've never had good experiences with Ts, but i've never really been able to open up.one thing that has helped in the past is being able to talk about things other than what i'm feeling. subjects like books, movies, philosophy, architecture, medicine-- somehow i've been able to hold a conversation about these. and over time, these kinds of conversations have helped somewhat as we both become familiar with the other's thought patterns and reactions and stuff, even if outside of a real life context. i think the small talk has helped me because it makes the relationship with the T more real. when they reveal things about themselves, i guess i feel like we're interacting on a more genuine basis than a contractual doctor-patient relationship. is your T willing to have these kinds of conversations or is he a stickler for T-nondisclosure and formality?
anyway, i really do feel your frustration.
cb
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