Posted by frida on April 10, 2008, at 8:20:41
In reply to How to open up in therapy?, posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50
dear estrellita,
i've had the same problem (i still do to a certain extent) but i'd tell you to keep trying...
it's a very hard difficulty and it is painful and frustrating for both, but it takes time and effort...the same thing would happen to me and still happens sometimes...no matter how much urgency i feel to be there and talk, how much i imagine talking to my T and sharing with her, most of the time i go, sit and can't find the way to break this silence and let down these painful walls.
she's tried so many things and now it is a little better (i've seen her for years now and it took a long long time). At first, i would spend the whole hour in silence or justifying myself or apologizing...so if i could do this, anyone can :-)
she has expressed frustration in the past, because we both feel bad about it..she feels bad that she has to be like a 'detective' or that she's not able to get me to talk or help me, and that i don't talk and then i feel so bad afterwards at having missed the chance...but we've talked about this very thing and that is what has helped.
in my case, i am just not used to talking about myself and feelings..whatever i start saying, there's a part me that judges it and i go silent again. Now it's a little easier because i do trust my T more. What has helped is talking about this difficulty and how it made me feel...exploring if i experienced that only with her, telling her what i feel that stops me from talking...and writing.
As your T, mine then would want me to bring it up in therapy and i wouldn't...so it didn't work to leave letters or send emails only...but what did work was /is to write to her before i go , sharing what i'd like to share...at least briefly...and then take it and have her read it there with me. Sometimes she reads aloud. It's easier to connect that way...and to focus on what you truly wanted to share before you shut down...other times i've tried reading aloud myself. It's hard, but sometimes i was able and it's very positive.
i find it difficult sometimes to say the smallest of things, like my opinion on a book or anything. we've talked about this feeling i have that what i say doesn't matter or it's not good enough...
we've also talked about the things that are not working in T...for example, the times she gets frustrated and expresses this, i feel worse and shut down even more...she has told me why she feels this and we've agreed that i'm doing the best i can at this point and that we have to be patient with the part of me that can't talk or open up, and i feel less pressured.
The key i think is working as a team with your T, maybe discussing strategies, something that you could do when you are silent and you can't say a word.. maybe it would help if your T says something, or guides you a little...or if you write down what you want to say and hand it over to your T...
My T has said similar things (like maybe T is not working and she's not doing things which can help me if i can't say a word (without blaming me for it)), but this has been out of her own frustration and how she so wants me to talk...
maybe you can tell your T that you do want to break down the walls..and try to explore what happens...
and write things down but read them with him there...as a starting point...it gets easier , i promise, i know how hard it is and how painful also to hear that your T feels frustrated. i'd encourage you to write to him about all this, that is what helped me and my own T to try to let down this wall i've built over the years , as a way to protect myself, but now is painful and it isolates me..It truly has been worth it not to give up.
about feelings, that's been one of my fears. i keep things so much in control, that breaking down or crying or sharing feelings is really hard for me.
but i'm learning..i'd say that the fact that you have this wall and that this hurts you, is a problem that your T can help you with...
i see you are judging yourself a lot, i do the same, but that is even worse...i think that the best to do is to try to work out a plan with your T to deal with this together.
I used to think that i could go there unprepared at all and somehow i would find myself able to talk, but that didn't happen...i had to make an effort, and make myself read something,for example...but it's a step...baby steps...and seeing that everything is all right and that your T is there for you, will help you take other baby steps...
please don't lose hope, take it from someone who's been in T now for 8 years or so, and whose T has been really really frustrated because of my silence and high, thick walls, but has found a way to start breaking that silence.
the best of luck,
Frida
poster:frida
thread:822525
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/822549.html