![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by twinleaf on February 12, 2008, at 0:20:02
I didn't want to totally hijack the Camp Comfort thread, but there was another topic there which I wanted to explore. It seems like we've had all sorts of therapist responses when we hit a topic that is hard to talk about. Some therapists are apparently fine with just letting it go, and helping us change the subject, others feel we are not ready to discuss something as difficult as our feelings about them- and then there's my analyst. Almost every session, I begin to struggle over REALLY not wanting to say something. I usually own up to that much. Then he says, "if you are having trouble talking about something, it can be helpful to talk about WHY it is difficult."
So I launch into an explanation. In the process of explaining why I CAN'T talk about something, I give so many details that before I know it, I've TOLD him! And THEN I get to tell him how ashamed and mortified I feel about having told.
Working with this analyst is so hard and exhausting that I sometimes stagger a little when I get up to leave. One time, I suddenly got dizzy as I was standing up, and found myself briefly on all fours, with him standing over me, looking as though nothing unusual had occurred.
He is a wonderful therapist, so it is all more than worth it. I don't know how or why I am feeling so much better. I almost feel as though my unconscious brain is interacting with him in a way that is very, very helpful, while my conscious brain just does the talking, and then looks on, without really knowing what is happening.
Posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 7:26:52
In reply to What happens when you don't want to talk?, posted by twinleaf on February 12, 2008, at 0:20:02
Twinleaf, I just had a session like that and left so raw that I cried for days. It was something I had no intention of talking about but dissociated and talked about then. And came back and realized and was like oh my god no. And then I rambled and time was up, and I had to leave. And it was the worst. I decided then and there no more therapy. I have a lot of topics that fit in that category. I fired off an email explaining all this to him. That I have many of these off limits topics. That the one I was telling him was not one I was ready to tell and that I dissociated etc. He called me and wanted to read my journal entry on this subject. He is trying to understand and since I get so frustrated trying to explain he wants to read what I write but I won't share. My therapist says it needs to come out but if I am not ready he backs off. He would like to read the journal but since some many of these flashbacks are there I haven't let him. It is still a matter of trust for me.
Do you know why you can't tell him? I just plain don't feel safe. Some of the flashbacks I don't understand but I have an idea and I am not comfortable admitting this happened to me. Is that it with you?
The one I did tell him about we still dance around because it is very delicate subject too. I can't for the life of me bring it back up. It is painful too. I am thinking I might just make a copy of the journal entry so he can read just one. And then see how i feel about that.
It is good you feel better. I did not feel better that day. It was too abrupt as we ran out of time. But today I feel better. We cleared the air. Maybe you and your therapist have a meeting of the minds and that is good right. I know that overall you and your therapist are doing well right? So this is the worst topic for you or have there many?
It is probably telling him something you have never told anyone and it is keeping that secret so long that makes it hard to tell. Releasing it though is necessary to start healing. Maybe you will get more comfortable. Sometimes I think we should tell our worse thing, get it out and move from there. That way our minds would know well they know our worse and still like us, so they are good people. But it is hard.
I guess mine will let it go to a point but he manages a way back to it. So it is just a reprieve. rsk
Posted by raisinb on February 12, 2008, at 12:13:45
In reply to What happens when you don't want to talk?, posted by twinleaf on February 12, 2008, at 0:20:02
I had to grin at both of your posts, because so much of my therapy revolves around just this issue. I spend so much time trying to control what I open up, negotiating the right balance between revealing and concealing.
My T has real trouble letting things go. If I say I don't want to talk about something, fall silent, whatever, it's almost a guarantee that she'll keep trying to get at whatever it is. I love and hate that quality about her.
I am sooo ambivalent--I WANT her to push me to open up, to get at what I'm hiding, because partly that feels like caring. That she really wants the real me. At the same time it feels like she's NOT taking care of me by making me feel bad.
And talking about "why" you can't talk--yes, that's a trap! Usually when I go down that road, I've revealed so much that I might as well have told her in the first place.
It's tough.
Posted by twinleaf on February 12, 2008, at 18:44:17
In reply to Re: What happens when you don't want to talk? » twinleaf, posted by rskontos on February 12, 2008, at 7:26:52
What goes on in my hours really does have a humorous side, and it's great when we can both step aside for a moment and laugh together a bit. Those times don't happen too often, though.
A lot of what is hard for me is that I feel so much shame about a lot of things, and I blame myself for things which happened to me when I was very young. I of course "know" that this is not the correct thing to do, but since I can't help doing it, I need to re-experience all of those feelings- this time with him. I have already found that he is great in offering me genuine new healthier experiences around these painful issues. Still, with each new memory or topic, I have to find out all over again that he is nonjudgemental and safe and can help. As time goes on, though, I find that I'm building up a memory bank of good experiences with him, and that does make the work easier. The fact that he is witty at crucial times, and is also so good at keeping me in his mind every moment has also created a good frame within which we can work.
Posted by Daisym on February 12, 2008, at 19:44:44
In reply to Not talking,,,rsk and raisinb, posted by twinleaf on February 12, 2008, at 18:44:17
Silence has always been threatening and hard for me. So off and on in my therapy, we work in different ways. Sometimes we just sit together - othertimes he talks, not asking questions but rather thinking out loud.
When there are things to say but I can't say them, this creates a whole different atmosphere. Most of the time my therapist will ask, "do you want some help?" - this is code for permission to ask questions. He once teased me that he has this heavy-duty psyche-can opener he reserves special for me on Mondays. Now that we've worked together for so long, he knows expressions - those fleeting thoughts that cross your mind and you edit or squelch before they get out down to your mouth. He catches me - a simple "what?" - or "what didn't you just say?" which is very similiar to talking about why you can't talk about it.
Which is not to say he doesn't get frustrated with me. He let me know that sometimes it feels like I want something from him - I want him to guess at what is going on -- and he isn't a mind reader. A few weeks ago he said, "you're just going to end up telling me tomorrow or the next day - don't you want to just get it over with?" -- Yeah, nice try.
He told me there is nothing I can't tell him. And I absolutely believe that. But the consequences of telling about certain things were so huge that those old fears are still there. So he waits.
I think it is particularly hard when one piece of me really wants him to know something and another piece doesn't. Then the war in my head is so loud, I can't talk. These are the times I wish there was a ticker-tape across my forehead. And his!
Posted by raisinb on February 13, 2008, at 9:15:54
In reply to Not talking,,,rsk and raisinb, posted by twinleaf on February 12, 2008, at 18:44:17
I can relate to the shame. I have shame about neediness, vulnerability, dependency, love. I have a much easier time expressing anger or a desire to detach.
When I express something difficult to my T, she occasionally falls silent or starts making connections/analyzing. I hate both of these reactions. It's almost a guarantee that I'll think they mean she feels discomfort, fear, or repulsion, and wants to distance herself from me. She has told me, "I feel none of those things," and that she gets excited or deeply engrossed when I'm vulnerable, and that's why she falls silent often. Later on, I can sort-of believe her (maybe), but in the moment it feels terrible, terrible, terrible. I feel so rejected I want to die. I'm so convinced that certain parts of me are inherently unlovable that any hint of confirmation is just a terrible experience.
When my T pushes me, a childlike part of me feels like yelling, "but you really DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Stop lying!"
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.