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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 12:24:19
I am struggling with wanting to see a p-doc and I don't think my therapist would agree. I know she doesn't think meds are helpful with DID and the literature supports this. I understand why. But I disagree with some of her points she made last night in therapy. She doesn't think you should try to remember suppressed, dissociated whatever you want to call it memories, all my splits have these memories, I have virtually none. I know what what i have read to date, that you can in other types of therapy try to get to these memories. I think it is important. Why I can't say. Except that I am and think I always have been a person that wants to know why. I love physics for this reason. I think I might have major in it had I had exposure earlier in life. But when she says I don't think you should go looking for those memories I want to yell well I do. I argued with one of my voices all the way home over this. It shocked me at first to hear a different voice coming from my mouth but I continue the conversation to see if I could get anymore information. I feel I am so split and she does too that i think I need to get some of these memories in order to go further. I am at a point where I feel I cant go further. I have no memories of much of anything. I can't do anything. I am not really depressed, I just don't feel anything because I feel not connected to anything. I am even losing connectedness to my body. It even feels surreal at this point. she called it either depersonalized or derealization I cant' remember now. See what I mean. My memory is getting so bad. I am so into my head these days. I barely remember driving home. I am switching alot. Teen is fighting with my son. I told her on the way home that I would be the only one to interact with him. She can come out to listen to his music but no challenging him. But someone else came out to fight with my h. so I had to leave once he got home or it was not going to be pretty. I can't really control things and she told me to get control but I don't know how. I think remembering is key but how do I do that. They have all the memories I have none. I don't know what else to do but to try find a p-doc that might can meet with me more than she can. One name I got from someone is a pychotherapist. Actually I got two names. One female one male. I thought I might try the male. Since therapist is female. Maybe I will meet once with both and see which I relate too.
Any thoughts as I am thinking I going crazy. I ask T that maybe 5-6 times.. She of course says no. She thinks I am making progress but I don't. I almost left the session, floating away, my body felt far away, I saw everything through a tunnel. She thought all this was good. She says I can get whole. But again I think it is taking long. I know it takes time and she reminding me that I haven't been open with her long. But some important things I thought we should talk about when I dropped hints she didn't really pick up on them. So WTF was that about. Can she not handle the subject or was she waiting me to be more direct. Being direct for me is HARD when the subject is so personal and shameful. These are things no one in the world knows. And it is shameful and disgusting. ok i need to go hide or do some vacuuming. That is my theapy for myself today. clean the house. that might make me feel clean again and not crazy.
Thanks for listening and sorry I can really help support you guys too much today....rk
Posted by I need a hug on December 14, 2007, at 14:14:06
In reply to For those that see a P-doc and therapist...help, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 12:24:19
(((((RSK)))))
Please don't apologize about being supportive. You give more than your fair share of support to many of us. Let us support you now. And I don't think you are going crazy either. You are a very intelligent woman. But, you are conflicted. You need answers and you aren't getting them from your T. Do you think all of the confusion could be causing you to switch more frequently? It seems to me that you are questioning your T's way of handling things. I think it would be good to at least meet with a Pdoc to get a different viewpoint of your situation. I would also meet with a male and a female to see which you would feel more comfortable with. Maybe even call to see how much experience these Pdocs have before you schedule an appointment. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don't at least try a Pdoc, you'll never know what might have been. Even if your T doesn't agree with it, and she may be a very good T, she still doesn't know everything. I hope this helps at least a little. Take care of yourself and I will keep you in my thoughts. HUGS
Posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 14:54:34
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc and therapist...help, posted by I need a hug on December 14, 2007, at 14:14:06
thanks hugs I needed to hear that i am so conflicted
i need something more than I am getting right now or else I just go back and stop doing anything and return to the empty vessel i feel i am really. my head is hurting some one is so close it makes my head hurt when they hover but with doing or saying anything.
i spoke to b2c littleone and that brought out the one that does everything and it is ok but now my head just hurts. I want so much to be more whole like muffled this being so split hurts and hurts. and when T said that god will let the memories come when they need to we wanted to say were was god when all this was happening then.....i was little needing mom to be a mom so i would not be having to be a mom to me and everyone
i am tired of parenting myself and my children and my h and my parents and my sisblings and it seems everyone in my family. i just want a break. so why not let someone else inside be in charge i just dont want the job anymore. I think i am gonna email her that. so what she dont email back. i am crying for the little one that waited for mom to be mom and dad to care for his family but that waiting was all for nothing because those parents never got it. no i had to do it i guess i don't remember. i know they made fun of me for stuff i couldn't do but what about what they did not do. No one made them accountable for what they did not do. And now t says i have to do it. again with cleaning up someone else's messes. i don't want a hug i just want to be left alone. alone to grow and be happy a person. a person with a future no I never had a future. now i feel it is all over. my life is gone it doesn't matter now is what one said to me last night and she is right it doesnt because now my life is half over and i am parts not a whole..i am sorry i am goiing on i humbly apologize.
i will call them monday and try to make an appt. thanks hugs.
rk
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2007, at 16:04:05
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc and therapist...hel, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 14:54:34
Rsk, I a bit jumbled myself at times. I so feel for you. I dunno if its possible for you to somehow take some downtimes from all this. Somehow just try NOT to work on 'stuff'.
I don't understand bout your T and meds. I thing hugs gave you some good points that T'a are not perfect and may not know it all. I am not a professional either. Just I know in general, finding the right med is often very difficult. Took me 3 tries to get an AD that worked ok and the side effects were acceptable.
I guess with DID the concern naturally is that different alters will respond differently to medications and that can be complicating. However IMHO I do nor see why you can't try some meds to see if they work and help. If there's anxiety there are benzos. I hated risperdal(atypical antipsychotic, also good for anxiety), it made me have violent thots. Seroquel DID actually help calm my mind, but very sedative. I know others have had success with zyprexa.
Have you ever tried thot stopping? When you notice an alter comming thru that you don't want, can you say STOP, and try and keep them back? Another thot I had is try and find the alter that seems to most be in command such as it is. Can you tell all that this is NOT working what is happening now, and you need what is best for all. So they need to LISTEN and heed. And if they listen and heed, then they WILL have a chance to say their thing and give their input. But if all just keep hollering and going all over, NOBODY really get heard.
I think for me the NUMBER ONE thing that helped me, was to truly understand that these younger alters ARE kids, in EVERY way. They think like kids , they behave like kids. And while we adults can't remember how it is to think like a kid, we need to try and relate to them, respond to them as such. If you could befriend a helper to help you with the calming of things, that'd be great. See if there is one who can help.
My helper and I used to fight like CRAZY I tell you, but now we do OK. Even when I piss her off, its OK, cuz we trust each other, so I know she knows I not mean to hurt her and vice versa.
So maybe you can just pick one alter, and try and connect, try really hard to understand that one, and be honest with them about how you struggle and stuff. This was a big deal to helping me.
I hope you can try.
It IS a SLOW process. I think if you can break it down into smaller pieces, it might be less confusing?
Take care,
M
Posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 16:19:41
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc and therapist...hel » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 14, 2007, at 16:04:05
muffled, the slow part
that is the hardest part. i was never patient. i just dont remember stuff and think i need to in order to control stuff. I am only on topamax now and i think i need a p-doc for better meds. so i am going to call both male and female and see who has more experience with did and maybe even go see them if poss.I want to work on stuff cause i already feel like life is passing me by and i have done nothing. my h is happy and feeling like he is doing good stuff in life and what i do. i clean house. what a stupid job.
like stupid job for stupid person. better yet i have turned into my mother. a has been that never was. the voices were ok for last couple of days and then yesterday before therapy everything got excited or something.
in between therapy i can eventually go back to numb/dissociate enough but is that good?
cause i am depersonalizing (T's big word for losing my body or feeling like i'm having an out of body experience). I kept touching my leg the other day to make sure i was still attached.
all these things are getting worse.
which ad are you on aggain
i will try thought stopping. especially with teen around my son she picks on him and causes fights. not good. i keep telling her she can hover or come up to listen to his music but no fights or telling him what to do etc. oh big me or mom can do that.
Do you ever feel like you don't know the real you?
Posted by I need a hug on December 14, 2007, at 18:06:26
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc/therapist...trigger » muffled, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 16:19:41
RSK,
You don't ever need to apologize to me. Whatever you need to say, say it. It's so unfair that you were left to parent your parents and they ridiculed you on top of that. But that's not your mess to clean up. It's theirs. You were just an innocent child. Right now you need to focus on you, your children, your life and your future. YES, you do have these things. I know it's slow-going and you're frustrated. Who wouldn't be? But you've made it this far and you are about to explore some new options. You are being proactive. You are not just sitting on your a** doing nothing! You are managing a household and a teenager! Let your H do that for a few weeks and see how well he does. Most men would rather go to work. It's easier!
Now, a little bit about me. My Pdoc also does my therapy. She is treating me for major depression, major anxiety, attention-deficit and a sleep disorder(due to chronic pain.) I don't post much about my sessions because I only see her once every 3-4 weeks. I've been seeing her for 9 years and I love her dearly. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. I don't want to discourage you but I want you to be forewarned. Like Muff said, if you start taking ADs you might have to take a few until you find one that works. Over the years, I've taken more ADs than I can count. Either they don't work, side effects, whatever. Sometimes, my Pdoc has me take several at the same time(spiking.) Even though it's an anti-psychotic, my Pdoc gives me seroquel(300mg) and restoril for my insomnia. I guess what I'm trying to say is (and I know it's the last thing you want to hear), but be patient. You give so much to so many here at Babble. YOU DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER: JOY, HAPPINESS, LOVE, and most of all PEACE OF MIND. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. HUGS
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2007, at 18:15:41
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc/therapist...trigger » muffled, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 16:19:41
> muffled, the slow part
> that is the hardest part. i was never patient. i just dont remember stuff and think i need to in order to control stuff. I am only on topamax now and i think i need a p-doc for better meds. so i am going to call both male and female and see who has more experience with did and maybe even go see them if poss.*sounds like a plan to see p-docs.
Sigh, it IS a process rsk, takes time, please try and relax if you can some.
Also, don't panic bout remembering stuff so much. Y'know your parts have been there a long time, and have functioned ok. you managed to raise your kids with them. Maybe try and trust your parts some....they got you this far. Maybe there's upset now, but they have functioned mostly ok in the past. Enuf to get by anyways. So maybe, if you need to know, trust that a part will fill in the gaps a needed...
>
> I want to work on stuff cause i already feel like life is passing me by and i have done nothing. my h is happy and feeling like he is doing good stuff in life and what i do. i clean house. what a stupid job.*is there any chance of volunteering ? For me it is HUGE. The stress is minimal cuz i not getting paid. Yet, I do the besy job I can and get thanked and that feels GOOD. I also interact with others who are very accepting of my weirdness.
> like stupid job for stupid person. better yet i have turned into my mother. a has been that never was. the voices were ok for last couple of days and then yesterday before therapy everything got excited or something.*sigh....being a mother is the most wide ranging hardest job there is!!!! Mother is doctor, nurse, dietician, taxi driver, organiser etc etc etc etc etc etc. zIt is a hard transition when kids leave the nest.
Never say never, there are many older people doing many great things...rsk...your NOT THAT OLD!!!!!!
> in between therapy i can eventually go back to numb/dissociate enough but is that good?*Rsk....if it makes you feel better for a bit....then thats OK. You can't expect to give up all your old coping mechanisms at once. You replace them with better ones as you get better, but in meantime...its survival mode. And for now, as long as ypur safe, thats OK. Give yourself a break.
> cause i am depersonalizing (T's big word for losing my body or feeling like i'm having an out of body experience). I kept touching my leg the other day to make sure i was still attached.*Legs!! I did that in T last week! Usu its my hands, but sometime whole body. But I always come back, so i just make like I having a weird yet fun!(?)!!! drug trip and laugh....ok, I know thats weird, but WTF eh!?
> all these things are getting worse.*Proly cuz you need to relax.......easy to say....
>
> which ad are you on aggain*I am not on anything but xanax. Had some success w/zoloft. Others caused either more cutting, or bad thots, or anxiety. My T WANTS me on meds, but I haven't yet found one I like. I WILL take seroquel if have to.
>
> i will try thought stopping. especially with teen around my son she picks on him and causes fights. not good. i keep telling her she can hover or come up to listen to his music but no fights or telling him what to do etc. oh big me or mom can do that.*Ya you speak up! And with kids...remember you need to be consistantly firm...and if its a teen...you have approx 2 1/2 seconds to speak B4 they tune you out! Just keep trying....
>
> Do you ever feel like you don't know the real you?
>
*Sigh.....I pretend that *I* am me.....but i don't think I am, cuz I don't have memories, there is another that does....I suspect that one is *me*, the real me. I really hate to think of this. Also the one that spoke at T, that was not me. ITS SO CONFUSING. But its gonna be OK Rsk.
Just try really hard to relax, I think it will be faster in the long run if you can relax some. Otherwise its always crisis control mode as I used to call it....
take good care.
M
Posted by antigua3 on December 14, 2007, at 19:18:12
In reply to For those that see a P-doc and therapist...help, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 12:24:19
I just want to say to you that there is hope. I believe it, and I'm living it now. I promise that you will find that all that you've done while you think you've been wasting your life has had a purpose and when you get to the other side, things will start coming together in a magical way that you may never have dreamed of. I believe this, and I want to give you hope.
It is so hard to keep trudging along, but you're doing some of the hardest part right now, and that's never a waste of your life.
antigua
Posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:24:16
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc and therapist...help » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on December 14, 2007, at 19:18:12
Antigua, when I read your words I started crying and saying I hope so antigua I hope so. And because you are living it and believing it I will too. So from the bottom of my heart thank you....
you are a jewel....and thank you for reminding me that I am not wasting my time. I need that.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:44:08
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc/therapist...trigger, posted by muffled on December 14, 2007, at 18:15:41
Muffled, I am going to print out this post and reply for there so many pearls of wisdom for me. IN so many ways we have had the same issues I think.
Volunteering is something I would like to do. Good reminder.
and good reminding about how hard being a mom is. I forget. I told my therapist I was tired of being mom to everyone. It is too hard. Yes my daughter left the nest last year and it hurt so bad.I feel old though. I feel 100 sometimes. Like I have always been an old soul. My therapist agreed with me. That I was an old soul in terms that when you don't have parents you are forced to go up too early it makes you age in you r soul too soon an d you become too serious too soon. You lose your childhood.
I don't think I can explain it very well tonight. I feel weird tonight. Tired and just weird.
Something weird happened last night but I am too tired to relate it. Another switch but i will share that another time.
I wanted to respond to everyone today.
You are right it is hard to know who is me. I think it is a pretending sometimes but then I will say no that is not me. I dont like that and I don't think that way. Or that is not my voice.
You are right it is hard to know. OK i will relax or try to. I think now that I have started this I am not sure I can stop it. The switching has started and the voices are at a high again. I must listen. Whoever said I think it was you to pick one and try to talk with them was a good suggestion. I am going to focus on one identity I think i know and try to get a handle there. Maybe I can come up with a happy middle ground. Working some on issues and working on my life some. Then maybe it won't get so bad and be manageable.Yeah I hear you on the Teen's and 2 1/2 seconds. Sometimes I am not sure my irl son hears even that. LOL
Yeah crisis mode is not fun. Not manageable. Thanks so much for listening and being here when I need you. You the best.
(((((((((Muffled))))) I know this is tough for you too so I really thank you loads.rk
Well I am going to print this off and re
Posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:50:43
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc/therapist...trigger, posted by I need a hug on December 14, 2007, at 18:06:26
Hugs, you have really helped me so much and I really appreciate all that you have said to me in this really taxing and trying time.
I needed the reminders that I was an innocent child and that to be a mom is important.
I really appreicate your information about your p-doc sessions. I thought maybe I would see a p-doc more but it seems like it would be less than my t. But I would get meds more available to what I am experiencing. So that might be more helpful to get through the actual crisis situations I am in like now.
And I do understand being patient even if I am not good at it. I guess I needed to rant and rave about the unfairness of it. I am being the teen that doesn't want to do something she didn't create but has to clean up the mess.
And thank so much for the remind that I am worth a good life no matter my age and i should feel like it has passed me by I have produce two good kids in spent of how i was raised. I am not sure how.
I do want peace of mind so much. And the offer of help well that is so welcomed I cherish. I am not one to ask for anything so I cherish that one line the most.
YOu are special. thank you.
rks ))))))))))))))))))))))))))HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Posted by I need a hug on December 16, 2007, at 23:13:45
In reply to Re: For those that see a P-doc/therapist...trigger » I need a hug, posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:50:43
RSK,
You are much too kind. I wish I could do more for you. I'm on disability so I'm home most of the time. It's snowing and icy and freezing cold outside so I don't go out unless I absolutely have to because it makes my body hurt all over. I'm up at all hours of the night because of my sleep disorder. If you are ever having a bad day or a difficult night and you want to chat or B-mail or anything, just let me know. I'm not sure how much help I can be but I'll listen. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well on Monday. HUGS
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