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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 18:04:06
i have a major fracture in my logic. Not sure what to do.
i asked T about what he said and he left me a message... he laughed a little and said i already knew i couldn't make him say what i might want him to say - meaning he did not just say that stuff to make me feel better. But he got a very serious tone and he repeated what he had said yesterday.
"i could feel, in some small sense, what you might have felt... it was abusive and i felt bad about what happened to you, and in a very physical way."
he did that thing with the tone of his voice that lures me out from under the stairs in my head.. it's like hearing your name called in the distance.
i'm so jolted i don't know how to process this. i never expected anyone to ever take me seriously.
so there is a problem... why is he doing this? really.. why is he saying this?
he can't care... that doesn't make sense. i'm serious. This is 1-800-rent-a-care... by the hour. That isn't caring.
so what is it?
the *why* doesn't make sense
Posted by DAisym on October 17, 2007, at 20:10:30
In reply to oh boy, posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 18:04:06
I'm going to challenge you, but I'm not intending to put you down or make you feel bad.
"why?" -- Is he not a caring man to feel the suffering of another and hurt from it?
If the roles were reversed and someone told you what happened, wouldn't you feel bad (or sad, or outraged) for them?
1-800-rent-a-care is really demeaning, not only for your therapist but for the whole profession. Sure, some of "them" don't really care. But just like nurses or doctors or teachers, I think psychologists and therapists really do care. Otherwise, why on earth would they listen to all the cares and woes of the world, over and over again? There are so many easier ways to make money.
Speaking for myself, I think my therapist's caring is genuine, even if I pay him for his help. Just like I know my feelings for him are real, even if we call it "transference."
I think your question behind the "why?" is "am *I* really worth caring about?" And the answer is -- "yes, you are." So let him. Perhaps if you stop questioning IF he cares, you can let yourself feel the caring and use it to heal. It isn't easy - believe me. It is scary to let someone care about you, almost as scary as caring about them.
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 21:23:47
In reply to Re: oh boy » Dory, posted by DAisym on October 17, 2007, at 20:10:30
Dory, I agree with DAisym about you thinking you are not worth him caring. My therapist and I don't have a real bond like yours yet I believe she wants to help me or else I wouldn't go back. My not being bonded to her I feel is all me not her. She is trying to break through to me I am resistance due to years of feeling this way. Could this be your problem as well. Years of feeling that no one cares so why would him. And if he does care do you need to care back? No it isn't the same caring. I think it is a caring of the professional calling nature. I mean, let me see if I can explain this. Therapists want to help their patients. It is a calling. Think about the long hours, the emotional drain patients or whatever you want to call us can be, how to juggle their own issues with the issues of others, it can be a tough way to go through life too. So why would any of them do it. Because that is way they are. They want to help. Now, in your case. You are a good person that needs help. He is responding to you. You toohave connected. The issues you are having are your issues that is getting in the way. You need to meet him and trust him but trust yourself too. This is hard. I understand because I have the trust issues too. Trust, abandonment, feeling like no one can love us, that is what you are struggling with and wondering why would this T feel anything for me. Well because you are a good, caring person who deserves someone to care for them. Believe it, it is true, you give you your own words back be kind to yourself. Do this by beginning to believe you are worthy of caring for. I think that is first step to healing. Take the first step. Please.......believe in Dory....I do. rk
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 23:54:19
In reply to Re: oh boy » Dory, posted by DAisym on October 17, 2007, at 20:10:30
Daisy.. i'm hurt. i think i already am challenging myself by asking these questions... i openly admit i see there is a contradiction in there and i am trying to unravel it in a way that makes sense for me.
yes this makes me feel bad..
if i could just stop questioning *IF* he cares, i wouldn't be in therapy...
Posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 8:13:10
In reply to Re: oh boy » Dory, posted by DAisym on October 17, 2007, at 20:10:30
the way i see it is they don't get paid to listen, they do that because they choose to. they get paid to give us educated guidance and discussions.
...but i still fell sometimes that my T is my 'rent-a-friend' (not meant in a bad way). just something to laugh at cuz i really don't have any friends anyway. (chuckle-sad but true)
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2007, at 9:14:08
In reply to Re: oh boy » Dory, posted by DAisym on October 17, 2007, at 20:10:30
My therapist and I had this conversation many times. At one point I told him that I finally figured out that I was paying him for his time and attention and his help to get better and his desire to help me get better. I can't possibly pay him to care about me. To care for me yes, to care about me no. How can you pay someone to care about you? So any caring he may feel for me is personal, and not paid for. It's lagniappe. It's based on our relationship.
Posted by Daisym on October 18, 2007, at 9:59:37
In reply to Re: oh boy » DAisym, posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 23:54:19
I'm sorry I made you feel bad. I really don't want to. I guess I'm just want for you what you clearly want for yourself -- to feel cared for. Perhaps a gentler approach would be to see if you could possibly entertain the idea that your therapist could or would care for someone else and play around with that. Then maybe it would transfer.
I know you are working on all of this - bravely. I don't trust easily when it comes to me personally either - but I believe, as a whole, that professional people do really care about their clients. Maybe this is a button for me since I'm one of those professional people - I love the little kids I work with. And I get paid to work with them. If my personal defensiveness spilled over, I'm really sorry.
Mostly, I just imagine how many other things you could work on if you could find a way to believe, even a little, that he cares for you. That might just have to start with a leap of faith.
Easier said than done, I know.
Posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 11:44:49
In reply to Re: oh boy » Dory, posted by Daisym on October 18, 2007, at 9:59:37
Dory, I hope I didn't make you feel bad. I too just want you to care for yourself like you have encouraged me. We are both in a pickle. sorry if this is what made you want to take a Babble break. Hang in there and we are there for you whenever you need us and feel like coming back. We do care. rk
Posted by muffled on October 18, 2007, at 18:34:43
In reply to oh boy, posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 18:04:06
> i have a major fracture in my logic. Not sure what to do.
> i'm so jolted i don't know how to process this. i never expected anyone to ever take me seriously.ya...
> so there is a problem... why is he doing this? really.. why is he saying this?*sigh, I guess I 'get' this all too well. In fact I been emailing my T bout this very thing.
I keep asking her WHY? does she persist w/me? I am SUCH an annoying idiot. I CANNOT 'get' why she has not yet dumped me.
I woulda thot she would. I've given her lotsa opportunities...
I feel like I gonna drag her down somehow :-(> he can't care... that doesn't make sense. i'm serious. This is 1-800-rent-a-care... by the hour. That isn't caring.
>
> so what is it?
>
> the *why* doesn't make sense*I think what you (AND I) are finding it next to impossible to accept...is the fact that someone might actually care bout us. We keep figgering its goto be about money, and we want to beleive its not.....but its so hard.
I s'pose my T must care somehow, she's put up with ALOT from me.
But that don't mean I 'get' it.
I am disgusting, and she KNOWS stuff, and proly SUSPECTS stuff, and....HOW CAN SHE CARE???????
Its hurts to think she might care....
Cuz what does that mean?
Its SO scarey.
Who am I ????
M
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