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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by slugdoo on July 28, 2007, at 21:10:38
He tried to touch me while I was napping today, and he wouldn't let me go until I elbowed him in the stomach
He said I need to get my *ss up and do something because if i am not going to workside the home, I need to at least working INSIDE the home and that I couldn't do any better than him giving me nice home to live in and I don't have to do anything. The least I could do it take care of his needs since he does everything else.
I overheard my son the other day on how mom isn't fun anymore.
Geeze why don't everyone piss on me?
Then my BIL needs open heart and they want my MIL to move in with us (she is out of state), so we could take care of her while he is recovering. My SIL askes my DH why am I such a selfish bitch that wouldn't let my husband take care of his mother.
I just can't take it anymore. My life is so messed up, I am beginning to believe I really am a bad person.
Posted by muffled on July 28, 2007, at 22:05:17
In reply to My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better, posted by slugdoo on July 28, 2007, at 21:10:38
Sigh.
Slugdoo.
Its REALLY hard to take care of ourselves when the sickness is in our heads. People understand a broken leg, but they can't SEE a broken heart. And then of course, we can put on such a good show, but its exhausting putting on the show. And then we are drained. People can't see how hard it is, they don't understand....
We understand here on babble.
I think you are doing good things in doing what you need to do to put the pieces of slugdoo back together. I think its important work, and hard work.
But don't expect others to get it :-(
You could try.
Tell them your sick, like ANY sickness, and this sickness makes you tired and stressed and you can't take more stress. Tell them you are working on healing but it takes time.
and mebbe they will be kinder?
I wish.
You wish.
So many of us wish.
So you not alone in this, babble at least understands.
I think you are doing the right things I really do.
The others are just going to have to back off.
I have had those moments when my kids have said stuff and it breaks my heart.
Sucks.
But you at least are trying to get ahead.
Good for you.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by OzLand on July 28, 2007, at 23:29:37
In reply to My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better, posted by slugdoo on July 28, 2007, at 21:10:38
No you are not a bad person; I remember when I went to the hospital at Menninger's and was inpatient for over two year. My mother-in-law said to my husband that perhaps he should divorce me because I was sick and maybe would never get better. My husband never told me about this but one of my sister-in-law's did. I could not believe it, and so I never had as close of a relationship with my mother-in-law again until very recently before she died.
You have to take care of yourself first or you are no good to anyone else.
Posted by sunnydays on July 28, 2007, at 23:30:25
In reply to My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better, posted by slugdoo on July 28, 2007, at 21:10:38
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 7:52:59
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » slugdoo, posted by OzLand on July 28, 2007, at 23:29:37
Doo,
That sounds like a LOT of stress, even for the most resilient of folks with abundant support.Number one goal is to take care of yourself. Once you do that things will start to fall into place.
I remember that you were getting some satisfaction or at least distraction from reading scholarly books. Maybe it's time to read a more basic self-help book on specific strategies to make it through these times. Or you can just use my Llurpsie list below
1) develop a script for dealing with people who cannot understand the physical exhaustion and mental horror of depression.
-I have found that people are much more sympathetic when I talk bout my physical symptoms (I haven't been sleeping at well at night, but I'm incredibly fatigued during the day/ I used to have a healthy appetite, but now my appetite is ____ and it makes me feel rotten that I can't make better choices. I'm seeing a doctor regularly to help me manage the symptoms of my illness (no need to specify *which* kind of dr. just to alert them that you're actually in treatment
2) begin every morning with a list. get yourself a little spiral bound notebook and make a list. Make it reasonable. Write down goals. Things like "take a shower. brush teeth. get kids ready for summer camp. do a load of laundry. make a phone call to MIL or whoever." Start off small. then cross off the list. It will help with your self confidence. I even put babble on the list. Write 3 posts. one about myself and 1 in support of others and 1 for fun.
3) do something nice for yourself. Go water your flowers and admire their scents, their abundance. Watch your fishies and froggies flop around in their pond. take a soothing bath with epsom salts. lavender oil. your favorite shampoo. put on lipstick if that makes you feel more "put together". These self-soothing activities give you more armor to face the harsh realities of the world.
4) reframe. Feeling bad that kids say something about mom not being as much fun as usual. Well, that means that you're doing a good job most of the time, becuase they have come to expect and enjoy and rely on your presence. You are a good mom. You've raised your children to be strong enough to make it through rough spots without completely falling apart
5) husband. he will never understand, but you can give him specific things to do. I know that you are not intimate with him, but sometimes a hug from a friend helps a lot. If he is still your friend at some level, it's okay to swallow your pride and say "I need a hug". Standing-up hug helps husbands understand that nothing else is implied.
6) I gave you lots of suggestions. pick ONE of them to do this week, and don't feel guilty that you cannot change everything at once
7) medication? you've been feeling this way for many many weeks now. It might be time to enlist more help and support. It has helped me tremendously. Think about it- 4 days ago T, husband and pdoc asked me to think about going to the hospital. So far today I have more energy than I have had in a month or so. Good energy, not frantic agitated energy.
Take care of yourself Doo, and know that in their own special way, slugs are important too.
-Ll
Posted by LadyBug on July 29, 2007, at 11:56:20
In reply to My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better, posted by slugdoo on July 28, 2007, at 21:10:38
I'm so sorry, this isn't what you needed to hear on top of everything you are feeling. I'm so sorry, you are not fat and I know you're doing the best you can right now.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by Phillipa on July 29, 2007, at 12:17:44
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any bett » slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 29, 2007, at 11:56:20
Such a hurtful thing to say to a woman who is depressed especially and self-esteem is probably low. I'm so sorry. Love Phillipa
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 13:56:02
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » slugdoo, posted by muffled on July 28, 2007, at 22:05:17
Hi Muffy,
You are so right it is so exhasuting trying to put on a happy face when the world is falling apart at your feet. I tried going to the gym and acting normal, a few people noticed I wasn't smiling. Some nice old guy, said, where is the smile?. He was being nice, I tried to smile the best I could . Others noticed, and they don't wanted the depressed slug, they want the happy slug. I am ususally the one trying to make them feel good. So I guess they miss that from me. Most of those friendships are kinda new, and I can't lay this load of crap on them. You can't say when they ask you , how are you, and say my life is sh*t and I don't know why I am living it.
One of my new friends said I looked tired, and said I would feel better when the cloudy front went away later today. I wish that was all it was. Plus though she is a new friend, she is a prof. who works at the univ. where my husband's ex's husband works. So I feel I can't say really what is going on unitl i know I can trust her with that kind of info.
I am trying to take care of myself so hard, I just didn't need this extra sh*t on top of everything else.
You know my DH can call me a fat worthless sh*t , but it hurts a lot more when you child says "mommy isn't as much fun anymore". They both hurt, but what my son just took the wind out of me. It is getting harder to pretend in front of my kids that their parents marriage is okay. I don't know how much longer I can put up that act.
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 13:59:40
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » slugdoo, posted by OzLand on July 28, 2007, at 23:29:37
Hi OzLand,
Wow, that had to hurt, but at least your DH stayed by your side. That says a lot of your relationship.
I know I have to take care of myself, but having kids who need you is tough, I have to think of them. I just told them that I had caught their cold and layed in bed crying all day. I couldn't help it. I guess i needed to get it all out.
Posted by OzLand on July 29, 2007, at 14:15:47
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » OzLand, posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 13:59:40
Yes he stayed by my side, and when I am down he knows how to kick me metaphorically. So, I have to act strong around him so he doesn't take advantage of me seeming weak. Also, when we went to see the doctor about my doing ECT after I talked to the doctor and it was determined I could do ECT outpatient, my husband says gee; I don't know if I can cope with her being at home for this. So, in the hospital I went for two and a half weeks of pure hell--not the best place in the world by anymeans. The highlight of my day was when the ECT doc came to visit with me each day to talk and see how I was doing. Whoopi!
So, maybe he should have divorced me; sometimes I think I should divorce him. I am the one out working while he stays home and works around for about two hours and then takes a four hour break before working another two hours and then another four hour break. Actually it's a lot if he works three hours in a day around the house. So, who's depressed??? He has turned into an old crank.
Sorry; not what you might think. He is present but not at all supportive emotionally.
Oz
Posted by sunnydays on July 29, 2007, at 16:02:22
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » muffled, posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 13:56:02
Your kids already know your marriage isn't great, I would guess. Kids can pick up on a lot of things that you think you can cover up. So I personally think that sitting them down and talking to them and explaining that mom and dad don't get along very well right now and that's part of why mom's been sad lately, but that it's not their fault and that you both still love them as much as ever might be a good idea. I would suspect they know, and I wish my parents could have done that.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I typically just people I'm not doing great and that I don't want to talk about it when I'm not doing well, that usually works for me.
(((((sd))))
sunnydays
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:18:54
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » slugdoo, posted by sunnydays on July 29, 2007, at 16:02:22
Hi Sunnydays,
I have talked to them in them several time in the past year when they have caught us arguing. It helps for them not to know it is there fault. They are my main concern with this situation. If I feel good after my T session I am going to promise myself to do something fun with them tomorrow. They deserve it.
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:29:19
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any bett, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 29, 2007, at 7:52:59
Hi Llurpise,
You have been some ideas, you sound kinda like my T . ;-) I am feeling agitiated today instead of crying all day. I got out and took pictures of my garden, maybe I will post them tomrorow. I even worked out at the gym. Talked to a friend (or I should say T's friend, but I like him too) We talked about banned books in schools and stuff. Good converstation made me feel good, over 1/2 hour. He calles me "Kelwwie" and I call him "olwie" My T heard this one day, and he just shook his head and grinned. I like talking to his wife too. Neat couple. Happy couple, something you don't see very often anymore. I kinda wished my T didn't tell me they were his friends because it does feel akward when my T is there and they are there talking to me.
Okay, I guess I am rambling away. I need to get to bed now. Thanks for everything.
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:31:33
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any bett » slugdoo, posted by LadyBug on July 29, 2007, at 11:56:20
Hey Ladybug,
Sometimes I just hate my DH, I have so much anger I could eat wood sometimes. What more can he do to me? He has cheated, called me fat and worthless, tried to almost rape me, and tells me I can't do better. I think I would rather be alone if that is how men are. He used to be such a nice guy and caring too.
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:33:32
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any bett, posted by Phillipa on July 29, 2007, at 12:17:44
Thanks Phillipa,
Yeah, he is rotten. It is sad Almost 14 years is a long time to figure this out. Hey I still promise to get a picture of Phillipa ave. :-)
Posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:34:51
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » slugdoo, posted by OzLand on July 29, 2007, at 14:15:47
Sorry Oz,
I didn't know things were that bad between you and your DH. Does anyone have a happy marriage anymore?
Posted by Phillipa on July 29, 2007, at 21:44:23
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any bett » Phillipa, posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:33:32
Can't wait to see it and marriages change unfortuntely. Love Phillipa Avenue
Posted by OzLand on July 29, 2007, at 22:57:21
In reply to Re: My DH called me fat and I couldn't do any better » OzLand, posted by slugdoo on July 29, 2007, at 21:34:51
Sometimes my husband is nice and sometimes he is an a-hole. Right now I am not happy with him because he alienated a lot of people, some where/are my friends, and sometimes I wonder if he doesn't do this so I won't have friends. Just when I start feeling good about a support network, he tries to pull the rug out from under me. I don't like that at all.
Now he talks about going back to Topeka, Kansas. I didn't want to leave; I didn't want to leave my really good job, but he had to go to Chicago. Now he wants to go back!!! What is that all about? Actually I still have friends back there too, and so I could see going back there, but not now while I am in therapy. I told him I hate living in the burbs and want to move to Chicago. I lived there when I was in college and later grad school for one of the years before we went back to Kansas, and I commuted every week from Kansas to Chicago--built up a lot of frequent flyer miles. Monday through Wednesday in Chicago, and Thursday through Sunday in Topeka. What a life; where did I ever get the energy.
Sorry if I made him sound like a sadist, but sometimes he acts like one.
Oz
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