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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 9:19:39
So, I just had this thought that I wanted to share. Some background is that I've been struggling with my lingering attachment to an ex-T who moved away 3 years ago. I'd give almost anything to be able to transfer my attachment to him to my new T, who is wonderful. But the fact remains that he is the one I'm most attached to. It's so painful. I have all kinds of negative feelings about how I've not been able to let him go.
Well, I was just thinking that in other aspects of my life, this ability to remain attached is probably really healthy! Maybe this is a symptom of me being well, rather than of some pathology I have. I'm thinking about my attachment to my distant siblings, and to old friends. I really value those relationships, and it's a good thing that I've been able to keep them active, right? I could have let them wither when I moved away. But my life would have been poorer for it, right?
So, maybe the fact that I've remained attached to my ex-T is a symptom of my healthy ability to keep valuable relationships alive. And this one is actually still alive. He's fine with me emailing him. He often writes back (briefly). And later today I'm having a phone session with him. This will be my third call with him since he left 3 years ago. It's a very big deal to me, but maybe that's not because I'm sick. Maybe it's just a symptom of how I was/am able to form a strong relationship with him!?!?
I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts. And it's totally fine if you want to argue the opposite position. I'm still feeling kinda unsure of this view myself.
peg
Posted by annierose on April 13, 2007, at 11:47:30
In reply to thoughts about detaching from old T, posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 9:19:39
Try not to compare the two therapists --- you are right. I don't think you can just transfer the feelings you had for one person and assume you will feel the same for the second. Each relationship is unique. Instead of thinking about how different your current therapist is from your first one, take him/her as he/she is in that room with you.
When I left my first therapist and sought treatment later, I felt the same. I was more attached to the first therapist. But I did gain valuable insight and help from subsequent therapist. And it was okay that those strong feelings were not there for me --- actually --- it was a relief.
Loyalty is a good thing. So is acceptance. I hope your phone session is soothing.
Annie
Posted by Honore on April 13, 2007, at 13:19:18
In reply to thoughts about detaching from old T, posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 9:19:39
Retaining your attachment is a wonderful thing. It means that the person and all they were able to contribute and to experience with you are still alive for you.
I remember and still have loving and admiring feelings for teachers from college and grad school who meant a lot tome. Those feelings seem part of keeping touch with what was worthwhile and made those times in my life good.
It's not different for a T. To have the good feelings for your old T with you-- is to me definitely a strength. If it prevented you from bonding to a new T or obsessed you and was an obstacle to engaging fully in present relationships, that would be different.
You don't need to assail yourself with doubts, You're lucky that you do have such memories-- even if at times there's a sense of loss (as long as the loss is not so much as to be a real hurt to the present). It sounds as if you're mostly aware of it as a good thing-- and have continued on.It sounds very much as though you've bonded with your new T-- who is different and about whom you have different feelings. Maybe not as intense, but that can happen in life.
I'm glad you keep in touch with someone who had so much to offer-- and that he's receptive and responsive.
Honore
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 13, 2007, at 18:42:33
In reply to thoughts about detaching from old T, posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 9:19:39
I totally agree with you, Pegasus. I'd be interested to hear what either old T and/or new T think about it.
Posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 20:39:24
In reply to thoughts about detaching from old T, posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 9:19:39
i am curious as to why you are having a phone session with him if you have a new T and he has been away so long? Not criticizing.. just wondering.
Posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 22:09:58
In reply to Re: thoughts about detaching from old T » pegasus, posted by annierose on April 13, 2007, at 11:47:30
Thanks annierose. You're right; It's much better to accept that the two relationships will be different. It was hard at first, though, because of the way we all communicated about it. I was only looking for a new T because I lost the old one. And there was all this talk about my needing to continue therapy. So at least in some sense, she was meant to be a replacement for him. But it's like losing your mom, and finding a new one. It's not going to ever be the same thing, no matter how useful the second relationship may be.
I wouldn't call the conversation today soothing. But it was useful, I think. Thank you for the good wishes.
peg
Posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 22:20:10
In reply to Re: thoughts about detaching from old T, posted by Honore on April 13, 2007, at 13:19:18
Thanks Honore. It's so confusing, though. It seemed at the time like everyone expected me to relinquish the old T more smoothly than I could. And so many Ts cut off all communication when they end therapy with a client, allegedly so that the old client-T relationship doesn't somehow get in the way of forming a new client-T relationship. So, it all sounded to me like I was expected to detach from him and attach to her. And then my experience was that that wasn't possible. Truly up until today, I thought that was because I was too messed up. And then I had this epiphany that I had merely derived a messed up message from the therapy culture. I like that better.
It does feel good to have been able to maintain a relationship with my ex-T, even if it isn't what I'd like it to be. He was/is an important person to me, and I'm pretty sure that's an ok thing.
And thanks for seeing that I've bonded with my new T. That's a sensitive point for me. I don't feel attached in the same way to her. Frankly it feels more healthy and balanced with her. But I thought maybe that difference was evidence supporting the therapy conventional wisdom about how communicating with an old T can prevent forming a relationship with the new T. Frankly, today I figured out why that's a bunch of crap.
peg
Posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 22:22:06
In reply to Re: thoughts about detaching from old T » pegasus, posted by TherapyGirl on April 13, 2007, at 18:42:33
Hi TherapyGirl,
I didn't have a chance to mention it to old T today. Too many other issues to deal with. But I'll bring it up with new T when I see her at the end of the month. I'll let you know what she says. Maybe I'll email it to old T, too, to see what he thinks. Although, he's really bad at email, so he might not respond.
peg
Posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 22:32:40
In reply to Re: thoughts about detaching from old T » pegasus, posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 20:39:24
Hi gazo. It's a good question. It's because my new T and I have been working on resolving some of the issues from the old T's leaving, and we decided together that it would be really helpful if I could talk some particular things over with him. That parting keeps coming up in my new therapy, and I really want to put it to rest finally.
I had a session with him last September, in which we cleared up a big misunderstanding that had colored our last few sessions. Today I finally told him how angry I was/am at him, which I never could really do in person at the time. And I asked him to tell me how he had felt about ending my therapy. He *finally* said he was sorry about how painful it had all been for me, and how he had hated that my therapy had to end that way. He also told me that he really liked me, and that he had missed me and still does, and that he had not wanted to end our relationship, for my sake, and for his, even when he knew he was making the right decision. Not in exactly those words, but that's the message I got from him. It's very comforting. Very helpful to hear.
Actually, our time ran out at a really hard place in the conversation, so we agreed that we'd talk again next week. Ha ha. It feels so funny to be going to talk to him again in a week, just like old times.
peg
Posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 23:31:45
In reply to Re: thoughts about detaching from old T » gazo, posted by pegasus on April 13, 2007, at 22:32:40
i find it really interesting. For my own reasons i suppose. Do you think this will help lay it to rest as you say, or will it just renew the flame?
your old T and new T...both the same sex? just curious.
was it a romantic transference? or just attachment?
you don't have to answer... but i am very curious.
Posted by pegasus on April 14, 2007, at 16:21:01
In reply to Re: thoughts about detaching from old T » pegasus, posted by gazo on April 13, 2007, at 23:31:45
Hi gazo,
Well, I think it will help lay it to rest. I hope it will. That's the goal. Although, I think what I'm trying to lay to rest is not necessarily the whole relationship. I think I'll probably stay in touch still, at least a bit. It just feels nice to. I don't know, maybe we'll talk about that next week.
What I want to lay to rest is all of my hurt and anger at the way the therapy ended. It's been so very very painful. I really think these conversations are helping with that. First of all, just clearing up the misunderstandings really helps. And then, having all that I was trying to tell him way back then actually land with him . . . that's huge.
My old T is a guy, and my new T is female. So, I'm sure that has something to do with how different my feelings are for them. I didn't have a romantic transference to my old T, but there was *some* kind of transference. My new T says she thinks it's a father thing. But he's completely unlike my own father. So I suppose what I was transfering to him was something more like what I had *wanted* from my father. It was definitely a strong attachment, whatever else it might have been.
I hope this is helpful to you.
peg
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