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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
Please don't read this unless your bored out of your mind. It's totally negative so stop here if you need too.
I hate life, I really do. I don't want to go to therapy this week. I know she's trying to help me by pushing me and finding ways to make me stronger. My T is surely frustrated with me. Why am I so depressed, have so much anxiety and why can't I just pack my things,move out and get on with my life??????? She makes it all sound so simple!!! And why can't I stop crying? I've been with my spouse for 25 years, just give it up and go on! Why is it so hard? Money? Ya, that's the biggest issue for me!!! My job isn't enough to support myself. I did find 4 places to move to this weekend, but I didn't have the guts to call any of them!!!! I don't want to go see her this week, she will get tired of my broken hearted same old story sh**.
I'd like to have things go well for me for a change. Therapy is only making me open up the hurt for an hour, then leave hurting more than I can bare by myself. Story of my life.
Sorry I'm so down and negative, It seems to be getting worse. I don't want to up my meds. I've been at a level place for several years and don't want to get tangled up with adding this or upping that crap.
I hate life and if I didn't have kids I'd.... who knows? But I love them too much to do anything to them. Life is unbearable for me.
Don't feel sorry for me, there's nothing anyone can do. My T will hate me for telling her how depressed I've become since I saw her last Wed. It's getting worse everyday. I even have my phone on silent so I don't have to talk to anyone. My family is all wondering what's wrong with me. They can't help me either. No one can but ME!!!
LadyBug
Posted by youngaddict on January 22, 2007, at 1:07:47
In reply to I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
oh sweetie you're right, no one can help you but you except we can be here for you and listen to you and empathize with you and tell you how not alone you are. i feel the same way everyday. i am not married don't have kids. but i am a drug addict who is spiraling out of control and all i do is smoke pot. how do you become addicted to pot> insane.
but seriously i don't know your situation but if you have made that step of finding four place, you are on your way and you have to juat tell yourself that today you did the best you could with what you had and tomrorows another day. whats the worst that could happen? thats what i am starting to figure out. its my life. whats the worst that can happen
?
Posted by Dinah on January 22, 2007, at 2:12:04
In reply to I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
((((LadyBug))))
I understand how you feel, and it is true that in the end there are things we have to do for ourselves. But there are people who care about you. You might need to help them understand how they can best help you and your kids. When the time is right. It's ok to curl up for a while too.
Posted by Tamar on January 22, 2007, at 2:40:32
In reply to I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
> Please don't read this unless your bored out of your mind. It's totally negative so stop here if you need too.
You're allowed to be negative. It's completely acceptable.
> I hate life, I really do. I don't want to go to therapy this week. I know she's trying to help me by pushing me and finding ways to make me stronger. My T is surely frustrated with me.Do you think perhaps she's pushing you too much? Do you feel anxious about the possibility that you don't live up to her expectations?
> Why am I so depressed, have so much anxiety and why can't I just pack my things,move out and get on with my life??????? She makes it all sound so simple!!! And why can't I stop crying? I've been with my spouse for 25 years, just give it up and go on! Why is it so hard? Money? Ya, that's the biggest issue for me!!!
I never thought about money until I had kids. Now I think about it all the time. Needing to be financially secure doesn't mean you're materialistic or miserly.
> My job isn't enough to support myself. I did find 4 places to move to this weekend, but I didn't have the guts to call any of them!!!! I don't want to go see her this week, she will get tired of my broken hearted same old story sh**.
If she's a good therapist (and from what you've said before, she seems to be) she won't get tired of it. She'll understand that sometimes we need to say the same things over and over before we can come to any conclusions about what to do.
> I'd like to have things go well for me for a change. Therapy is only making me open up the hurt for an hour, then leave hurting more than I can bare by myself. Story of my life.
I'm sorry it's so hard. It's awful to feel that therapy makes things harder to deal with.
> Sorry I'm so down and negative, It seems to be getting worse. I don't want to up my meds. I've been at a level place for several years and don't want to get tangled up with adding this or upping that crap.
I can totally understand that. If it does get worse for a significant length of time, a meds adjustment might help. On the other hand, sometimes things feel much worse when you're leading up to a major breakthrough, so I hope you're coming up to one of those Eureka moments in therapy.
> I hate life and if I didn't have kids I'd.... who knows? But I love them too much to do anything to them. Life is unbearable for me.
Keep focusing on those kids. They love you and need you.
> Don't feel sorry for me, there's nothing anyone can do. My T will hate me for telling her how depressed I've become since I saw her last Wed. It's getting worse everyday. I even have my phone on silent so I don't have to talk to anyone. My family is all wondering what's wrong with me. They can't help me either. No one can but ME!!!
(((((LadyBug))))) Your T won't hate you. She will feel concern for you and want to help you.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by muffled on January 22, 2007, at 10:00:23
In reply to I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
> I hate life, I really do. I don't want to go to therapy this week. I know she's trying to help me by pushing me and finding ways to make me stronger. My T is surely frustrated with me. Why am I so depressed, have so much anxiety and why can't I just pack my things,move out and get on with my life??????? She makes it all sound so simple!!!
**well, I dunno, but from a similiar situ., I wonder if your T is not so much <pushing> you, as trying to help you get what needs to be done, done. Oh yea, I know hard that is sometimes.To be so immobilized.
Its not so easy to be the one that <advocates/pushes>, so I'm guessing that your T really does care for you. Your depressed and anxious cuz you at a VERY hard time in your life. Hard in SO many ways.
Well, it just may be that some of what you need to get done is seemingly simple when all is well, but when your head is all mucked up, heck, I find it a major breakthru just to wash the dishes! (don't ask me bout my toilet bowls!)
So my guess is she's just trying to help you get thru thid time. To 'just do it' and get a thing done.....
Guess its doubly hard to do stuff to when there is no tangible rewards either.....cept getting you and kids lives in order...and then things calming down again eventually.
>And why can't I stop crying? I've been with my spouse for 25 years, just give it up and go on! Why is it so hard?*ummmm, mebbe cuz its been 25 years???
Money? Ya, that's the biggest issue for me!!! My job isn't enough to support myself. I did find 4 places to move to this weekend, but I didn't have the guts to call any of them!!!! I don't want to go see her this week, she will get tired of my broken hearted same old story sh**.
*Ya, funny how that is. I have a friend with a child, fortunately she is to get remarried soon and will be financially well off. But she is SO paranoid bout money, and for GOOD reason, she had some hard years :(
Let your T try and help. Tell her how your feeling. See if you guys can work on a strategy for you to get more help and support from others thru this time.....to help for example , to look at places.> I'd like to have things go well for me for a change. Therapy is only making me open up the hurt for an hour, then leave hurting more than I can bare by myself. Story of my life.
*there will be good things. Sometimes it might be as simple as an unexpected smile from a sranger, or a hug from your kid.
> Sorry I'm so down and negative, It seems to be getting worse. I don't want to up my meds. I've been at a level place for several years and don't want to get tangled up with adding this or upping that crap.
*I can't tell you bout meds. Just I know you in a hard place at this time, so its completely understandable that you feel the way you do.
> I hate life and if I didn't have kids I'd.... who knows? But I love them too much to do anything to them. Life is unbearable for me.*for now, life is unbearable. But it is not forever..
> Don't feel sorry for me, there's nothing anyone can do.*I reckon we on babble can commiserate w/you, make you feel not so odd, mebbe have some suggestions.
And IRL, take all and any help you can get. My sister, who is not a churchgoer, had a local church volunteer to help her move, what a gift that was at the time. Go figger.>MyT will hate me for telling her how depressed I've become since I saw her last Wed. It's getting worse everyday. I even have my phone on silent so I don't have to talk to anyone. My family is all wondering what's wrong with me. They can't help me either. No one can but ME!!!
*Your T will NOT hate you.
She knows this is SUCH a hard thing all round.
And others CAN help you. In simple little ways. A phone call, packing, a walk together,looking at places, etc
Let them.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Poet on January 22, 2007, at 10:37:18
In reply to I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
Hi LadyBug,
I have a nonstop negative thought train in my head, so I wasn't afraid to read your post.
I'm certain my T is frustrated with me, too, yet she always sets up that next session each week. I think my T is frustrated because she can listen to me whine about being unemployed and can try to help me find other ways for self esteem (fat chance,)but she can't beg anyone to hire me. Your T can help you emotionally to be strong enough to move out, but can't help you economically afford to do it.
I don't think your T will hate you for being more depressed. I think you have good reason to feel depressed.
Think about your kids when those real negative thoughts come in. Take care and post to us.
Poet
Posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 11:34:05
In reply to Re: I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger » LadyBug, posted by Poet on January 22, 2007, at 10:37:18
I'm hanging in there. I set my alarm for early today so I could get up, shower and get my butt in gear. Now I'm back from running my errands. Sitting here having a hot chocolate and deciding to do so soul searching today. I'm home alone so I can do whatever it is I feel like for awhile.
I've been off work for over 12 weeks now from bilateral knee replacements. Both knees 5 days apart) I go to my Dr. tomorrow for my 12 week post op. We will talk about my return to work. I wish I had a better job and maybe they won't let me come back when they find out what my permanent restrictions are. I can only lift 25 lbs. and my job requires me to lift up to 50 lbs. Not everyday or anything like that, but I don't want to ruin my knees. They cost almost $60,000 bucks!!!!!!! And I don't ever want to go through that surgery again!!! This is part of what started my depression/anxiety, along with the failing marriage crap. My T has been so supportive of me, but I feel like she'd like to kick me in the butt! It's painful, but I have to survive it. I'm at my ropes end, isn't that when things are supposed to turn around?? Wishful thinking.......... I find myself crawling in bed hoping I can sleep life away, but then I wake up and realize nothings changed! I have to make it change, one step at a time and for now I guess it's baby steps for me!
Thanks all for your replies!!! I don't know what I'd do without my babble friends. You guys are awesome! You all understand like no one else. Thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate it so much!
I see my T on Wed. unless I call and tell her I don't have it in me to come in. It's tempting for me right now. Avoid pain at any cost, and therapy is pain sometimes, most the time.
Love,
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on January 22, 2007, at 11:38:16
In reply to Re: Thanks EVERYONE :'(, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 11:34:05
Posted by happykat on January 23, 2007, at 18:19:31
In reply to I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger, posted by LadyBug on January 22, 2007, at 0:31:00
LadyBug,
I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with all this. My mom went through a real messy divorce with my dad after 20 yrs of marriage. It was really rough on her. I really do understand how hard that is. I imagine still living under the same roof makes it even more difficult.
Although at the moment it doesn't seem possible or probable, months from now you will look back and maybe see this as the beginning of a wonderful new life. Once my mom got out from under my dad she blossomed. It took a lot of sweat and tears to get to that point but she did.
However, I remember all too clearly how painful this particular portion of her emancipation was. This is the hardest part I think it gets easier once you're on your own. Good Luck to you!
Regards,
happykat
Posted by LadyBug on January 24, 2007, at 14:47:06
In reply to Re: I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger » LadyBug, posted by happykat on January 23, 2007, at 18:19:31
Happycat,
Thanks so much for your positive thoughts about this. I know what you say is true, blood, sweat and tears will pay off for me. I'm doing better with things at the moment. Now that I've decided I can't go through this all in a day, it takes time and lots of planning. I was feeling pressure from my T to just pack up and leave. Last week after I had seen her, I left her a message telling her to think about how she was trying to help me go through something she's never been through herself. I thought she was hurtful to me and it put pressure on me to try and figure everything out as in NOW!!! After many tears and lots of anxiety I decided that I need to take this one day at a time with a plan in mind to get to where I'd like to be in 6 months. It would all make more sense to me to have a few major things taken care of and they will by then and I'd be in a better position to leave.
I saw my T today and we were able to talk through what happened in our session last week and the messages we left for each other afterward. Before I left today, I said, "so are you and I ok, or do we have some friction going on between us?" She said we are fine with a smile on her face that was reassuring to me and I felt good when I left.
You message gives me hope and that's what I need right now. I appreciate it a lot. This is hope for me to have a better life even after being married for well over 20 years with a very strong chance I will end it.
Thanks to you Happycat!
LadyBug
Posted by inimitable on January 26, 2007, at 11:30:34
In reply to Re: I HATE LIFE!!! Trigger » LadyBug, posted by muffled on January 22, 2007, at 10:00:23
oh wow...when i read this i was thinking how we're in simliar situations. not completely similar, but the feeling like you're not doing anything with your life...like moving on like you *should* i hate that word should. i don't have a job, got divorced in November, and have no money coming in right now. rent is almost a month late, and again it's coming up, so it'll be two months of rent that i owe, plus late fees, if i don't get kicked out before hand. so my situation needs me to get off my butt and apply everywhere imaginable. and i do have a job already lined up, which starts feb. 5th, but it's only part time, and i need money NOW. but still i sit in this apartment day after day, going online and doing not much else. my therapist has been pushing me lately too...trying to connect my lack of going out and getting a job with my online activities, trying to tie the two together as a reward system....and i understand WHY he's doing it, he's worried i might get kicked out of my apt, and be homeless....but still i am getting quite annoyed with him, it feels condescending. he doens't know what i'm going through. i don't even know what i'm going through. i just want to stay right here...until the problem just magically fixes itself. and i know it won't. my life has never been that easy, i just wish for once, it would be. but anyways, good luck with your situation :)
*inimitable
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