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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
I told Laurie on Friday that even the strongest people have a line. A point where they just cant take it anymore and they break. She said "that's just the borderline in me talking". Whatever. Everyone DOES have a line. No one can take "it" forever. I've hit the line.
Laurie couldnt see me this week. I always see her on Fridays, but she said she doesnt have any openings this week on that day. Last week, she moved my appt (only be an hour, and it didnt really matter to me) to accomodate another patient.. a father and his daughter (I saw them leaving). I dont know if they had a crisis or if she double booked again and didnt want to tell me or what. But if she can move my appt for them, why cant she move someone elses appointment for me? I ALWAYS go on Fridays. I've never not gone on a Friday. And shes never seen me as depressed and afraid as I was last week. Why, Laurie? Everything she said last week felt so good but this does NOT feel good. I called her Monday to schedule for next week and she still hasnt called me back.
I was supposed to meet with a new T today at 11. I drove around for 30 min and couldnt find his office. I thought I knew right where it was. I dont even live in a big town. So I called and said I wasnt coming. I'm going in at 3 now.. 3 1/2 hours from now. I dont want to go. I'm done.
I spoke to Randy on Friday about writing me a letter to withdraw from school. He said call him on Mon to see where it was at and he'd tell me when I could pick it up. I called. Now its Wed afternoon and still nothing. He probably forgot again. I mean, he discharged me from partial, having just lost Anne, with no T referral and then forgot to call me until I called him a week later with a new referral. Great. I wanted to talk to him about going back to partial but now I just dont care.
The f-ing SUICIDE HOTLINE that said theyd call me back in the morning didnt call back. That was a week ago.
You all, I give up. I cant do this anymore. It doesnt matter what I try, how proactive I am.. nothing. I tried to SI a few minutes ago (I hadnt done that in forever) but it didnt really "work" - the relief wasnt there. I knew it wouldnt be.
I dont even know what to do to help myself anymore. I've been on my new meds for 5 weeks and still nothing. Of course they wont work... I've never found one that does.
I dont know why I'm posting this. I just cant stop trying. I guess I want to be heard, but I dont know.. I dont even really care at this point. I'll go in and see this guy at 3, but I think I'm going to take a break from therapy. I know that crisis isnt a good time to drop therapy, but really.. its more hurt than help lately. I cant keep doing this.
Posted by ronaldo on October 25, 2006, at 11:04:25
In reply to I give up, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
> I told Laurie on Friday that even the strongest people have a line. A point where they just cant take it anymore and they break. She said "that's just the borderline in me talking". Whatever. Everyone DOES have a line. No one can take "it" forever. I've hit the line.
>
> Laurie couldnt see me this week. I always see her on Fridays, but she said she doesnt have any openings this week on that day. Last week, she moved my appt (only be an hour, and it didnt really matter to me) to accomodate another patient.. a father and his daughter (I saw them leaving). I dont know if they had a crisis or if she double booked again and didnt want to tell me or what. But if she can move my appt for them, why cant she move someone elses appointment for me? I ALWAYS go on Fridays. I've never not gone on a Friday. And shes never seen me as depressed and afraid as I was last week. Why, Laurie? Everything she said last week felt so good but this does NOT feel good. I called her Monday to schedule for next week and she still hasnt called me back.
>
> I was supposed to meet with a new T today at 11. I drove around for 30 min and couldnt find his office. I thought I knew right where it was. I dont even live in a big town. So I called and said I wasnt coming. I'm going in at 3 now.. 3 1/2 hours from now. I dont want to go. I'm done.
>
> I spoke to Randy on Friday about writing me a letter to withdraw from school. He said call him on Mon to see where it was at and he'd tell me when I could pick it up. I called. Now its Wed afternoon and still nothing. He probably forgot again. I mean, he discharged me from partial, having just lost Anne, with no T referral and then forgot to call me until I called him a week later with a new referral. Great. I wanted to talk to him about going back to partial but now I just dont care.
>
> The f-ing SUICIDE HOTLINE that said theyd call me back in the morning didnt call back. That was a week ago.
>
> You all, I give up. I cant do this anymore. It doesnt matter what I try, how proactive I am.. nothing. I tried to SI a few minutes ago (I hadnt done that in forever) but it didnt really "work" - the relief wasnt there. I knew it wouldnt be.
>
> I dont even know what to do to help myself anymore. I've been on my new meds for 5 weeks and still nothing. Of course they wont work... I've never found one that does.
>
> I dont know why I'm posting this. I just cant stop trying. I guess I want to be heard, but I dont know.. I dont even really care at this point. I'll go in and see this guy at 3, but I think I'm going to take a break from therapy. I know that crisis isnt a good time to drop therapy, but really.. its more hurt than help lately. I cant keep doing this.Hi Wishing Star,
Seems like there is a conspiracy to grab your line and move it further on. You may try to keep up with the line or you may say 'stuff it'.
Things never go wrong in single file. They generally go wrong three or four abreast. Seems like this is what is happening to you right now. Maybe you can chill for a bit and just wait and see where they are taking your line to.
Maybe it is your chance and opportunity to let them know that you are not dependent on them. I feel for you wishing star. I know what it is like when everything goes wrong. Don't harm yourself. Instead treat yourself kindly and gently. Treat yourself to something nice. Forget about these tiresome therapists. Your life doesn't have to hinge on their unreliable memories. Like I say, treat yourself, go somewhere nice, do something pleasant, buy yourself a present.
I don't know you star, and I don't know your situation. I hope I haven't said anything that will upset you. Just sit back and wait and see just where they are going to stretch your line to. Then you can decide whether you want to toe their line or whether you have a line of your own to toe....
Posted by Gee on October 25, 2006, at 12:12:02
In reply to I give up, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
(((Wishingstar))))
I know you've been having a really tough time lately. But don't give up. A lot of people have let you down lately, but that has nothing to do with you. Don't let them get you down.
Posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 12:53:40
In reply to I give up, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
Betcha that got your attention, right? ;-) Couldn't you see my eyes rolling?
> I told Laurie on Friday that even the strongest people have a line. A point where they just cant take it anymore and they break. She said "that's just the borderline in me talking".Oh, she must be absolutely right, mustn't she? After all, if it wasn't your borderline talking, you'd be able to see that "normal" people can take absolutely any horrors heaped on them without reacting, didn't you know that? Whoops! I'm getting sarcastic, which is not considered civil... But I'm also trying to put it into a little humorous perspective for you.
What I read in your post is a lot of the sort of invalidation that probably produces borderline features in the first place. While there might be a point in challenging every statement which might reflect borderline thinking, there's also a point in examining whether there's any reality to a statement before assuming it's just borderline acting out. You know, kinda like the "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to get me."
I'm sorry, WishingStar -- I can hear how isolated you sound, and how unhappy. For whatever it's worth to you, I think the scheduling issues are perfectly reasonable for you to be upset about. My T has never asked to reschedule me to accommodate someone else. I trust that she never will, or that if ever she did do it, it would be an absolute emergency -- and that if I told her it was a problem for me, she would see me at my regular time and arrange to see the emergency at another time. If Laurie knew enough in advance that she could call you to reschedule, I'm not sure why she wouldn't have been able to make alternate arrangements with the other people. (Unless, of course, it was just another double-booking. My T is terrible about remembering when she's scheduled me. She knows that. That's why she writes it down. There's a technology you might want to offer to Laurie if double bookings are a common problem.)
I only wish I could email you my T. She's good, she's nice, she's respectful of me, even when I'm nuts. (Mostly. Every so often, she'll misinterpret something, but mostly she treats me as though I'm a human being, and have worth.) Instead, let me tell you that there really is hope. There are good Ts, there are good enough Ts, there are good for right now Ts, there are good but not for me Ts, there are OK Ts -- and there are some just plain not good Ts. It doesn't sound as though Laurie fits into the first three categories for you right now. I hope you find someone who does. And I hope you find her/him very soon.
And I hope, if you do give up, you at least allow us here on this site to try to support you while you look for Dr GoodT.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 13:08:14
In reply to I give up, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
I hear you and I'm sorry things are still so hard. I keep hoping someone will step up to the plate to give you a hand. Have you tried talking to Ginny? I really, really, really believe that seeing Ginny once/week would be preferential to not seeing anyone.
I'm proud of the efforts you've made to keep yourself safe. I wish I could help you -- wish we weren't all so far away from each other.
((((((((WishingStar))))))))))
Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:03:15
In reply to Well, of course Laurie is right -- she's the T » wishingstar, posted by Racer on October 25, 2006, at 12:53:40
I completely agree with you and pretty much ignored her when she said "it's just the borderline". I'm not sure if I ever agree with that diagnosis for me. Everyone has a line.. everyone has a point where its too much.
Laurie double-booked on me about a month ago and I was VERY upset.. especially after driving 2 hours to get there. So that could be what happened again and she didnt want to tell me. She called me around 8pm Thurs night to change it, and my appt was for 11 on Friday (we changed it to noon). Makes it sound like she had an emergency. This sounds silly, but I keep thinking.. what do I have to say/do to qualify as an emergency? How much worse can this get? And I know you cant tell by looking at someone how they feel, but the people leaving her office then sure didnt look distraught. And I heard her say see them on Friday.. I guess they got the last friday spot? This is hard for me to even let myself think, because it's so against everything my parents ever told me.. but.... what about me? That feels selfish, but I think my logical side knows it isnt.
Thank you for the hopeful words about new Ts and all. I sure hope so. I saw a new one today and really didnt like him. I'll post about that in a few minutes. Ugh. I just dont know.
Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:05:48
In reply to Re: I give up » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 13:08:14
I saw Ginny yesterday. It went pretty well. I can feel that she does care. But I dont think SHE'S comfortable with seeing me once a week... I think she's nervous. Nervous because I'm in such a crisis all the time these days and she doesnt know what I'll do, I guess. She said she will keep seeing me once a week if I want her to, but I havent decided yet.
I meet with yet another new T at her office tomorrow. A woman. Ginny supervises her so thats good.. but this woman is very new, not even licensed yet.. and the 2 days a week she works (that id see her) are right in a row. I dont know. 2 days in a row isnt much more helpful than 1 day a week.
Thank you {{{tg}}} back to you
Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:08:01
In reply to Don't give up, posted by Gee on October 25, 2006, at 12:12:02
I do believe that this is their issue and isnt about me... mostly anyway. I guess what I dont understand is why I'm so forget-able. What do I need to do to be significant enough that they dont forget me completely every time I walk out their door? I dont expect to be "special" to them or anything.. but I dont know. Cant they at least remember me enough to call me back?
I'm trying not to let it get me down.. but really, I just dont trust any of them anymore. How many times can this really happen? Miserable and alone is better than miserable and hurting because of therapist.
Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:12:25
In reply to Re: I give up, posted by ronaldo on October 25, 2006, at 11:04:25
It sure feels like a consipracy! I think my line is pretty far to begin with.. I can put up with a lot of crap and keep on trying.. but really, after awhile, isnt it crazier to keep trying than to accept what is?
I know what you mean about things always going wrong in groups. Definitely happens to me too. And for awhile, I figured that was what was happening and it had to stop eventually, right? But it hasnt. It started off with my T (the good one) messing up her scheduling and forgetting me, about 6 weeks ago. I was VERY hurt. Then a week later, my other T (it's a long story why there were 2) dumps me but without the guts to tell me herself or terminate properly. And these things have been happening ever since. It's been WAY more than 3 or 4. Maybe theyre coming in groups of 30 or 40 now. Hah.
Nothing you said upsets me at all. And you're right. It's good advice. I do try and do nice things for myself... and not let me life revolve around what they do or dont do.. but really.. it just isnt working anymore. Practical advice in that area is welcome if anyone has any. I just dont know.
Posted by MidnightBlue on October 25, 2006, at 16:53:04
In reply to Re: Don't give up » Gee, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:08:01
Wishingstar,
If it makes you feel any better, I had a MAJOR medical test (in the hospital) 6 weeks ago and I am STILL waiting for the doc to call with the results. Yes, I called and asked. Looks like I'm forgettable, too.
Midnightblue
> I do believe that this is their issue and isnt about me... mostly anyway. I guess what I dont understand is why I'm so forget-able. What do I need to do to be significant enough that they dont forget me completely every time I walk out their door? I dont expect to be "special" to them or anything.. but I dont know. Cant they at least remember me enough to call me back?
>
>
> I'm trying not to let it get me down.. but really, I just dont trust any of them anymore. How many times can this really happen? Miserable and alone is better than miserable and hurting because of therapist.
>
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 25, 2006, at 17:35:36
In reply to Re: I give up » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:05:48
Hi Wishingstar,
I'm sorry I don't have anything more profound to say. I read all the other posts, and I feel inadequate to say anything fancy.Just wanted to let you know that I've been there with you for 4 weeks, since that time Laurie let you down. and I was thinking of you when you were in the partial program and learning so much so fast.
I'm sorry your meds haven't kicked in yet. Can you call the pdoc and set up an appt.? Tell him that you are getting really desperate?
hugs for you, WishingStar- your story has taught me a lot. I wish I could help more.
-Li
Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 18:43:18
In reply to Re: I give up » wishingstar, posted by Lindenblüte on October 25, 2006, at 17:35:36
I just called Laurie and she answered.. that never happens. We talked for a few minutes. She told me that I need to do whats best etc etc. I dont really trust her or believe what shes saying right now. But I guess it doesnt matter.
I'm not sure if its the right decision, but I'm going to the ER in a few minutes. I just cant do this anymore. This is my last ditch effort. I hope it works. I'm trying my best. I dont know if theyll keep me or not. If they dont, I'll let you know later tonight/tomorrow what happens. If they do, well.. I'll be back in a few days, hopefully.
Thank you everyone for your support.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 19:58:58
In reply to going to the hospital, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 18:43:18
I'm thinking about you and I'm proud of you for trying, again, to take care of yourself. Wish I could take you to the hospital and hold your hand and advocate for you. Try to imagine all us Babblers standing with you, okay?
(((((((((WishingStar)))))))))
Posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 0:51:48
In reply to Re: Well, of course Laurie is right -- she's the T » Racer, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 16:03:15
> >
> Laurie double-booked on me about a month ago and I was VERY upset.. especially after driving 2 hours to get there. So that could be what happened again and she didnt want to tell me. She called me around 8pm Thurs night to change it, and my appt was for 11 on Friday (we changed it to noon). Makes it sound like she had an emergency.Hm... Whatever the truth of the thing, I'm very sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. (EVERYONE deserves better! That's just NOT OK.)
>This sounds silly, but I keep thinking.. what do I have to say/do to qualify as an emergency?
I hope you can recognize the problem with this kind of thinking, though. (You know I'm not a big fan of CBT, right? Doesn't mean I don't see some good in it, too...) When I first read this, earlier tonight, I was afraid you might create a situation in which you really are an emergency, and that only hurts you. And I don't want you to be hurt. I want you to become UNhurt.
Just... I hope you take care of yourself, and shift the responsibility around some. You're not responsible for someone else not treating you with respect. You don't have to move in one direction, in order to get someone to where they should be in this dance. Honestly -- the only thing I've ever found yet in life that is supposed to be like tug-o-war *IS* a game of tug-o-war!
> And I heard her say see them on Friday.. I guess they got the last friday spot? This is hard for me to even let myself think, because it's so against everything my parents ever told me.. but.... what about me? That feels selfish, but I think my logical side knows it isnt.
Honey, I hope you can find the strength to ask her about that. Find out what she has to say. It's also possible that she already sees them on Friday, and had to move their slot for some reason. (Although I still don't like that she moved you to accommodate them. But that's me, and there may have been a good reason for it.)
Do you have a regular slot on Fridays? Or does it change a lot?
>
> Thank you for the hopeful words about new Ts and all. I sure hope so. I saw a new one today and really didnt like him. I'll post about that in a few minutes. Ugh. I just dont know.
>
>
>Good. I'm glad that you are looking at this as an interviewing process, that's the best way -- in my not at all humble opinion on this process -- to find the right fit in a therapist. I hope the next interview is better.
Posted by MidnightBlue on October 27, 2006, at 0:02:39
In reply to I give up, posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
I hope no news from you means you are finally getting the help you so desperately need and deserve!
Midnightblue
Posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:18:05
In reply to Re: going to the hospital » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 25, 2006, at 19:58:58
thank you therapygirl. It's rare that I can say this, but honestly, I'm proud of myself too. That was very hard and very scary but I did it. I really wish one of you all (or anyone really) could have been there with me in the ER too... being alone there was one of the hardest parts. But I made it. :)
Posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:36:31
In reply to Re: Well, of course Laurie is right -- she's the T » wishingstar, posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 0:51:48
I do recognize the problem with thinking I have to do something major to qualify as an emergency and get my Ts attention. I know I shouldnt have to do that. But the reality is that it really seems like I do lately. But yes, that IS her problem/mistake, not mine. There is a lot of parent-issues wrapped up in this for me (being drastic to get attention) so that's probably part of it.
I dont have a specific regular slot on Fridays with Laurie, but it's always been either 10, 11, or 12. Sometimes I dont get to choose, which is fine, but at least one slot has always been there. I dont really know if I have the strength to ask her about that though. It feels incredibly selfish and.. I dont know, something.. to me. I guess I can cognitively understand that it isnt selfish, but it feels like it. I have a very hard time asking for things from people, even if theyre things I probably deserve. Plus, I'm afraid she'll just bring it back around to the borderline stuff and abandonment issues. She was SO much better as a T before she got hooked on this borderline business. Now everything I do just falls into that category. I may be able to bring that part up with her.
I wrote about this in the thread below, but Ginny has agreed to see me twice a week now. That makes it easier to not care about what Laurie does. (I still care, quite a bit, but not as much).
I was just writing about how I was upset Laurie never called today, and the phone just rang. It was her. The call was okay.. I dont know. I told her I wouldnt be there on this coming Friday since I'll be in partial and she just told me to drop her a line sometime and let her know how I'm doing. That sounds so much to me like "okay, we're done now.. but keep in touch sometimes". I really wanted to hear that she wanted to see me again, at least for a termination. But its okay. I can NOT let myself get upset over this. I have Ginny. Ginny is good.
Posted by muffled on October 28, 2006, at 18:34:05
In reply to Re: Well, of course Laurie is right -- she's the T » Racer, posted by wishingstar on October 27, 2006, at 19:36:31
This is the end of the thread.
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