Posted by wishingstar on October 25, 2006, at 10:32:18
I told Laurie on Friday that even the strongest people have a line. A point where they just cant take it anymore and they break. She said "that's just the borderline in me talking". Whatever. Everyone DOES have a line. No one can take "it" forever. I've hit the line.
Laurie couldnt see me this week. I always see her on Fridays, but she said she doesnt have any openings this week on that day. Last week, she moved my appt (only be an hour, and it didnt really matter to me) to accomodate another patient.. a father and his daughter (I saw them leaving). I dont know if they had a crisis or if she double booked again and didnt want to tell me or what. But if she can move my appt for them, why cant she move someone elses appointment for me? I ALWAYS go on Fridays. I've never not gone on a Friday. And shes never seen me as depressed and afraid as I was last week. Why, Laurie? Everything she said last week felt so good but this does NOT feel good. I called her Monday to schedule for next week and she still hasnt called me back.
I was supposed to meet with a new T today at 11. I drove around for 30 min and couldnt find his office. I thought I knew right where it was. I dont even live in a big town. So I called and said I wasnt coming. I'm going in at 3 now.. 3 1/2 hours from now. I dont want to go. I'm done.
I spoke to Randy on Friday about writing me a letter to withdraw from school. He said call him on Mon to see where it was at and he'd tell me when I could pick it up. I called. Now its Wed afternoon and still nothing. He probably forgot again. I mean, he discharged me from partial, having just lost Anne, with no T referral and then forgot to call me until I called him a week later with a new referral. Great. I wanted to talk to him about going back to partial but now I just dont care.
The f-ing SUICIDE HOTLINE that said theyd call me back in the morning didnt call back. That was a week ago.
You all, I give up. I cant do this anymore. It doesnt matter what I try, how proactive I am.. nothing. I tried to SI a few minutes ago (I hadnt done that in forever) but it didnt really "work" - the relief wasnt there. I knew it wouldnt be.
I dont even know what to do to help myself anymore. I've been on my new meds for 5 weeks and still nothing. Of course they wont work... I've never found one that does.
I dont know why I'm posting this. I just cant stop trying. I guess I want to be heard, but I dont know.. I dont even really care at this point. I'll go in and see this guy at 3, but I think I'm going to take a break from therapy. I know that crisis isnt a good time to drop therapy, but really.. its more hurt than help lately. I cant keep doing this.
poster:wishingstar
thread:697594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/697594.html