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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 19, 2006, at 17:34:24
Current T says that he's really satisfied with our work together. Says that I've come a long way. Says that I've said a lot of hard things.
My session was pretty cathartic. I said the bad stuff, the stuff I don't know, and the stuff I don't even want to contemplate.
He said that it's a good idea for me to start seeing a new T- someone who can give me more frequent sessions, and someone who won't be intimidating and triggering. He gave me a referral for a woman T. Said that she's really good.
I feel good about this. I feel like me and T have come pretty far together. I feel like he was a good stepping stone- pragmatic, tough, often triggering. Made me think a lot, and made me work really hard to communicate. And I feel like I'm ready to move on. I don't feel like I'm being kicked out. I feel like I'm going to another stage in this work. I'm ready to do some work on it now. I just got a boost. I'm ready to take a chance and strong enough to figure out how to get help. Even if it means that I have to take the lid off of a can of demons that threatens to destroy every relationship I've ever had.
And so- I think that changing my name, and changing my hair, and changing my T. well. It's like shedding an identity- a cloak of shame and secrets. I don't know what the future brings. But it won't be like the past.
I was also happy to hear that my T (by being part of a clinic-style setting) wasn't just pushing me off or avoiding making long-term committments because he didn't care. No-- that was just the nature of the organization. I think he really does care about me. He went to get me a fresh box of kleenexes. (there was only one in the box). and he came back and still had my last sentence in his head.
He's a good T. I'm a tricky client, but I knew that already. I'm glad that we were finally able to connect, even it it was only to figure out what to do next.
I'm pretty sure that I'll be winding down my visits with him this week. so! stay posted for the ongoing saga of Lindenblüte, termination-- new T-- new chances and new troubles.
And you know what I DON'T want to shed right now? It's Psycho-Babble. You guys helped me see so much. Even when I blew T out of the water today with my story of childhood trauma. He had no idea. But *I* did. I knew what was happening. You guys help me so much. I'm going to be here for a while. Hope you'll join me.
-Lindenblüte
p.s. You know what the best thing he said to me was? It was very spontaneous, and soft-spoken. He said, "Lindenblüte, you're a fighter". With all of his intensity, his quiet intensity.
Posted by Jost on September 19, 2006, at 19:07:37
In reply to Looks like I'm here for the long haul, posted by Lindenblüte on September 19, 2006, at 17:34:24
I was so amazed and proud of you when I read your post, Lindeblute.
I had no idea you were going through such profound transformations, although I had a glimmering of it.
You've made such progress, taken such many risks, worked so hard. All the growth and the future you've got ahead has been earned and will be as it goes on.
And how wonderful, too, that your T was able to acknowledge, and act in accordance with the new Lindenblute, even if that meant saying goodby, in a good and positive way, pointing toward what comes next, and helping you go there.
That's a hard thing to do. Sounds like he did it extremely well. I'm kinda proud of him, too.
Especially that he sees you, and recognizes that you're a fighter.
I'm so glad you'll be staying here, and letting us be part of whatever you do.
Jost
Posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2006, at 23:42:41
In reply to Looks like I'm here for the long haul, posted by Lindenblüte on September 19, 2006, at 17:34:24
Remembering is an activity that is done in the present.Remembering can be an activity of narration.
Telling stories to make and remake oneself.
There are facts, sure, but also, even more importantly there are interpretations of facts. Working out what those facts mean for our current lives. And that can be (very much so) an act of creation.
People trying to figure out who they are...
Casting their lives in a way that they feel able to live with themselves...
Their fears and desires.An act of narration...
Remember remembering is an activity in the present and the point is... Accepting yourself for what you are in the present and being better able to become who you want to be...
Isn't it?
Why did you initially go to therapy?
Because you wanted to feel happier?
> And so- I think that changing my name, and changing my hair, and changing my T. well. It's like shedding an identity- a cloak of shame and secrets. I don't know what the future brings. But it won't be like the past.> And you know what I DON'T want to shed right now? It's Psycho-Babble. You guys helped me see so much. Even when I blew T out of the water today with my story of childhood trauma. He had no idea.
Because you were going to tell him...
What you wrote on the post it note.
The things you couldn't tell him in the present.
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 20, 2006, at 8:44:21
In reply to Re: Looks like I'm here for the long haul, posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2006, at 23:42:41
Hi Alex,
(you're a smartie. anyone tell you that lately? you give me lots to think about.)> Remembering is an activity that is done in the present.
>
> Remembering can be an activity of narration.
>
> Telling stories to make and remake oneself.
>
> There are facts, sure, but also, even more importantly there are interpretations of facts. Working out what those facts mean for our current lives. And that can be (very much so) an act of creation.
>
> People trying to figure out who they are...
> Casting their lives in a way that they feel able to live with themselves...
> Their fears and desires.
>
> An act of narration...
>
> Remember remembering is an activity in the present and the point is... Accepting yourself for what you are in the present and being better able to become who you want to be...
>
> Isn't it?Yep. The mantra I learned: Every act of recall leads to encoding. It's impossible to remember something without fundamentally changing the memory itself.
>
> Why did you initially go to therapy?
>
> Because you wanted to feel happier?
Um. Not really. I went to therapy because I was afraid of killing myself. I didn't think there was much chance of me feeling "happy". I didn't want to feel happier. I just wanted to stop suffering. I just wanted to be able to think clearer and not be obsessed with killing myself. I went to therapy because I thought it would be nice to get a little advice and a referral for a pdoc. I thought the drugs would help the symptoms and then I could get on with my "life".Oh well. Maybe this is how it's meant to be. Maybe all this stuff I did since April was all a prelude? Maybe...? I guess I have nothing to fear, really. I need to tell myself that. I'm not living with my family any longer. I don't NEED them. I'm completely, utterly, financially independent. It's a fantastic feeling--- or is it? I guess my next step is to figure out how I want to make them a part of my life.
Do you know how liberating it is that I don't *have* to love my dad? I don't *have* to love my brother? or my mother? That means-- that the love I truly experience- like with my husband, or my cat, or my little brother. THAT love is untainted by this mockery of love that is nothing but conditioned loyalty and socialization.
wow. now I can love. because I don't HAVE to. because I just DO.
-Li
Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2006, at 9:11:07
In reply to Looks like I'm here. ***suicide trigger*** » alexandra_k, posted by Lindenblüte on September 20, 2006, at 8:44:21
> you give me lots to think about.
Thank you. I try. But sometimes I miss the mark. If I miss the mark you can tell me to f*ck off. Well... You can probably think of a nicer way to say it... But you get the general drift :-)
> Yep. The mantra I learned: Every act of recall leads to encoding. It's impossible to remember something without fundamentally changing the memory itself.Yes. Don't forget that. It isn't esoteric. It is important.
It might seem like the kind of psychology you do isn't related to therapy at all, but it is. Or at least... It jolly well should be. Did you do any abnormal psychology?
> I went to therapy because I was afraid of killing myself.
Why didn't you want to kill yourself?
> I just wanted to stop suffering.
Yeah, I understand that one :-(
> I went to therapy because I thought it would be nice to get a little advice and a referral for a pdoc. I thought the drugs would help the symptoms and then I could get on with my "life".
Okay. So it was about... Getting on with your life.
> Oh well. Maybe this is how it's meant to be.What changed? Hearing about the path other people have chosen for themselves on Babble?
> wow. now I can love. because I don't HAVE to. because I just DO.
I chose to have as little to do with my parents as possible. They aren't good people for me to be around.
But that being said... I feel a little sorry for them at times. I figure they did the best they could. That wasn't good enough for me with respect to my needs being met but still, I figure they did the best they could. I struggle with the fact that my needs weren't really met as a child. I struggle with the fact that some of the things they did hurt me very much indeed.
But I'm not perfect either and I've hurt people too :-(
I don't know...
How does the stuff you wrote on the post it note look to you now?
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 20, 2006, at 9:39:39
In reply to Re: Looks like I'm here. ***suicide trigger*** » Lindenblüte, posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2006, at 9:11:07
I'm not ready to look at my post-it note again.
I'm just going to turn off for a day.
My head and my body are pretty exhausted.
I need to regenerate by doing? What else? How about some work on the diss? Some of that mindless, methodical, plug and chug?
*****
And, I'll tell you (and anyone else) if you say something that's offensive or hurtful. Right now, I guess everything (civil) is food for thought. My plate is full of strange exotic fare. Things I didn't know existed. Well, I'll sample here and there. If it tastes like bitter medicine- well, I'll just put it aside for later.
I think that we are ready to hear different things at different times. So, even if it makes no sense to me presently, maybe stuff made sense to me in the past, or it will in the future, or in another lifetime. There's no such thing as wasted wisdom when my ears are open and your intentions are sincere.
I know that the stuff I learned in my coursework is "psychology". I accept this and I know that the stuff I'm going through is par for the course. BUT that doesn't mean that experiencing a whirlwind of emotions or a constant chatter of voices isn't terrifying to me.
I also used my knowledge of psychology to put people in categories. A coping mechanism for me, because if I can say: "that's sick"; "that's healthy" etc., then I can always find some way to avoiding the train of thought that will put me into diagnostic criteria. That's one reason I avoided seeking help for so long. I could always say- I've only got 4/9 symptoms or whatever (when 5/9 are necessary). I could recognize this and do a little tweaking to help me from going over the edge into "insanity". What a laugh! What a fool I am! So I'd meditate, or go on a diet, or force myself to exercise, or work, or socialize or something to pull me out of the depressive slump, or the anxiety.
All the while, thinking that the disorder is a cluster of symptoms-- rather than thinking that the symptoms are a sign of fundamental problems in my psychological processes... Thinking that if I avoided "clinical criteria" for some disorder that my childhood was pretty okay afterall.
Posted by sleepygirl on September 20, 2006, at 21:32:00
In reply to Looks like I'm here for the long haul, posted by Lindenblüte on September 19, 2006, at 17:34:24
> He's a good T. I'm a tricky client, but I knew that already. I'm glad that we were finally able to connect, even it it was only to figure out what to do next.
>
> I'm pretty sure that I'll be winding down my visits with him this week. so! stay posted for the ongoing saga of Lindenblüte, termination-- new T-- new chances and new troubles.
>
> And you know what I DON'T want to shed right now? It's Psycho-Babble. You guys helped me see so much. Even when I blew T out of the water today with my story of childhood trauma. He had no idea. But *I* did. I knew what was happening. You guys help me so much. I'm going to be here for a while. Hope you'll join me.
>
> -Lindenblüte
>
> p.s. You know what the best thing he said to me was? It was very spontaneous, and soft-spoken. He said, "Lindenblüte, you're a fighter". With all of his intensity, his quiet intensity.It's nice to know that you'll be around here for a while. I most likely will be around here for a while too. I'm glad for you that you're managing to get through this stuff so well..you are a fighter indeed. I hope the transition goes well, I imagine it might be difficult for a while. Hang in there lurpsiebluter, you're great!
love,
sg
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 22, 2006, at 11:26:55
In reply to Re: Looks like I'm here for the long haul » Lindenblüte, posted by sleepygirl on September 20, 2006, at 21:32:00
I just had my last session with Mr. T.
Next week I start seeing new T. She will have her work cut out for her.
I feel sad that me and Mr. T couldn't have had a warmer relationship, but I think we did pretty well together. Laughing and talking about movies and such. He was there for me when I had the big load of angst that I dumped a few days ago. And he was there for me today. He helped me put together a lot of pieces and helped get me out of the big depression.
I need to think about my current problems not like a "relapse" of my severe depression, but rather as a stepping stone. I am feeling these awful things because I am "ready" to start working on them. And they are going to hurt a LOT but that's part of the process.
-Li
right now, I'm ready for some chocolate. got some pretty bad knee shakies after today. Was worried I wouldn't be able to walk out of the office.
Posted by zenhussy on September 22, 2006, at 12:13:07
In reply to I am ze Terminator, posted by Lindenblüte on September 22, 2006, at 11:26:55
yep, can only stay in the head for so long, eh?
stepping stones is a good way to think of this...as this is NOT depression as you knew it before....these are other issues that you're now ready to begin your work on.
it takes courage to move on from someone who isn't the best fit for the next stage of work but staying with him sounds as if it wouldn't have helped you progress forward in the ways you have written about recently.
good luck with the future. good for you for realizing you need assistance with this work and for seeking out appropriate therapists.
going from living in the head with only surface emotions to fully feeling one's emotions and experiencing them can be a whirlybird feeling for most. after a while of talking and feeling this new way things might not hurt quite to the extent they do now........as this feeling thing is still rather new. with time you'll see that the changes you're making will serve you in the long run far better than how things have been up til this point.
continued good therapy wishes for a strong working woman who is facing her stuff. takes courage to admit and work on these kinds of issues. will be interesting to see a few years from now where you're at!
certainly helps us to re-read our posts from the past several years to chart our progress and help us see which areas still need attention and more work. professional therapy has been a constant, even with breaks inbetween, to work on csa issues in addition to the depression and PTSD. wish it could be done with only books and websites however something about that connection with a therapist and the safety of the office where the work can take place is very different from flying solo.
we all need a co-pilot from time to time to help us remember where the horizon is, the need to refuel, help with charting flight paths, and practice on safety inspections so that the vessel doesn't bopping about when in need of repair.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2006, at 0:26:40
In reply to Re: Looks like I'm here. ***suicide trigger*** » alexandra_k, posted by Lindenblüte on September 20, 2006, at 9:39:39
> All the while, thinking that the disorder is a cluster of symptoms
it is.
> rather than thinking that the symptoms are a sign of fundamental problems in my psychological processes...
fundamental problems in psychological processes aren't necessary or sufficient for the development of mental disorder.
> Thinking that if I avoided "clinical criteria" for some disorder that my childhood was pretty okay afterall.
having a not okay childhood isn't necessary or sufficient for mental disorder either. having an okay childhood isn't necessary or sufficient for mental health.
i do with they would adopt a dimensional / symptom approach instead of the current categorical approach.
you can meet certain symptoms to a greater or lesser extent...
the boundary between 'mentally ill' and 'not mentally ill' is more a function of what the health insurance companies are prepared to reimburse methinks...
sure there are clear cut cases, but there are so very many more borderline cases...
do i think of myself as mentally ill?
only when i'm feeling really very sorry for myself.
what is mental illness supposed to be?
who the f*ck knows.
its dx'd on the basis of behavioural symptoms. so currently... behavioural symptoms are necessary and sufficient for dx.
what meaning you assign to your dx and to the cause of your dx...
is up to you really... the meanings we create for ourselves...
This is the end of the thread.
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