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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:17:32
I know with my anniversary tommorrow, it must be making me I don't know what it is making me.
Anyways I mentioned last session about my DH thinking he has OCD, since he has been reading my textbooks and now he is renting a Pysch college classes on tape from the library. This all came about because his estranged daughter was dianosed with bi polar and he was asking what I know about it. I am certaintly not an expert and all I know is what I learned from my readings and from the teachers,and of course babble. Well I showed him my bi polar stuff so he could read it, well he also started reading about the other disorders . Then he started confiding in me about things he does.
I knew had had generalized anxiety disorder, that was very clear but I didn't see the other stuff.
Well I talked to me T about this and he confirmed as much as he could that it does sound like he has OCPD. My T knows a lot about my DH, but didn't know the stuff I didn't know until now.After reading about it for myself, yeah it sounds like he does. Plus lately he is talking about some of the stuff he does(that he has kept hidden from me).
So part of me feels so stupid for not seeing the signs and maybe being not sensitive to some of this stuff (because it really gets on my nerves sometimes). But then again I didn't know about disorders until I got PTSD and came to babble. And I guess he kept some of his "checking" hidden from me.
I guess I am feeling kinda sorry for my husband that he has these problems and he has lived with them for so long without any treatment. I guess I still care a little about him even after what he has done. So this is making me feel very conflicted even more. Or is he using this to get me to talk to him again?
I told him that he could get treatment for this stuff, but he has to talk to his doctor. He said he is too embarrest to talk about to him. Well I hope he does. I told him that if he wanted help, he had to seek it out.So I feel bad for him, but yet I am still very angry at him. I also feel bad for my lack of understanding when he seems to not be able to make a simple adult desision. or what tie to wear, or did I turn the oven off, or is the door locked, or did we leave anything in the hotel room when we check out. Plus being worried about something all the time, that must really suck.
I am not sure what I am feeling other than totally confused at the moment.
Posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:35:00
In reply to I am feeling some compassion for my husband, posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:17:32
He wants me to go to breakfast with him tomorrow and go shopping for something to mark our anniversary like at antique store. I just dont' know what to do.
I have said no to a weekend away, but breakfast seems less of a commitment. I am not feeling all that well anyways. It would be very hard to sit through a 3 hours dinner because of the pain and because I don't really want to be alone with my DH for that long. I don't want to anything romantic. But I need to do something because I do need to get along with him for the sake of the kids.
Posted by LadyBug on September 16, 2006, at 9:44:36
In reply to Re: I am feeling some compassion for my husband, posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:35:00
It's not a bit funny, I know, but I have to laugh because I was in the same situation in June when our anniversary came along. I didn't want to do anything with my husband. I tried to make a card, but I failed with having anything to say to him. He acted like it was just like any other anniversary. We had nothing to celebrate and I dreaded it just like you are right now.
When the day came, he wanted to go to a really nice place that we've loved to go to in the past, then go to a movie. I agreed to go to dinner but when that was over, I told him I wanted to come home instead of a movie. He bought me a dozen beautiful and unique long stemmed roses and gave me a nice card. It didn't make me have any feelings for him. Too late for that. I did enjoy my dinner and I was cordial. It's sad to think the marriage has all but failed and the damage has been done.
My husband has some pretty severe health problems, so I know I have some compassion for him sometimes. I'm sorry for his pain but there's nothing I can do to take it away. Maybe he has so much pain for all he's done to me and our kids. I don't know.
The day will come and go. You don't have to have any expectations from it. Just take it as it comes. I think breakfast souunds fun. That's always a treat to me since we never have time for that. (But I'd rather just go with my kids!)
Let him take the day to treat you, he owes you and he has to know of your broken heart and dreams. I know my husband knows of mine.
Let me know what you decide. Don't do anything you don't feel like doing. It will be ok. Everyone needs to eat right? Maybe he'll take you shopping and buy you something fun. Let him. But you don't owe him anything but your time in my opinion.
Take care and don't stress about it too much, it isn't worth it. Have a good day inspite of the struggles.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on September 16, 2006, at 9:48:12
In reply to Re: I am feeling some compassion for my husband, posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:35:00
:-(
Oh HF
What a tough situ.
Does DH know that the marriage is dead?
DEad,dead, dead.
No hope?
Cuz it sounds like he don't....
I wouldn't do ANYthing for aniiversary. No shop, no meal, no nothing.
If its dead, its dead.
What are you celebrating then?
Sorry if this is harsh, but....I dunno, just seems wrong to celebrate is all :-(
So, so sorry HF.
You are such a kind and caring person.
But I'd hate to see you string him along....
Ah ok I'll SHUT UP now.
Sorry
Muffled
Posted by llrrrpp on September 16, 2006, at 16:34:02
In reply to I am feeling some compassion for my husband, posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:17:32
Hi HappyFlower
That sounds really difficult. I'm never really sure with you whether your marriage is over or not. I can't tell whether there is any love left once you peel away all the anger, regrets, resentment, dissapointment, sadness (...).Compassion is kind of positive, but it's not love. It's certainly not a feeling that you'd want to base your marriage on.
Have you had a moment when you have allowed yourself to feel any love? Is it still there-- just very quiet? Is there enough love? Is it possible to grow some more if there is a seed in there?
In the meanwhile, eat some pancakes. If you're taking ibuprofen or something like that for your pain, you need food in your tummy anyways. You could probably always use a nice antique mirror in a hallway to reflect some light and do a teeth-spinach check before running (limping *grin!*) out the door. Or maybe a teapot and a set of cups. You can appreciate a pretty thing, independently of your husband, as long as it has a function that is meaningful to you.
Well, I'll be thinking of you and your family. Anniversaries are kind of strange...
-ll
Posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2006, at 22:14:12
In reply to I am feeling some compassion for my husband, posted by happyflower on September 16, 2006, at 8:17:32
> he started confiding in me about things he does.
Sounds like he took a bit of a risk to confide something to you.
> I told him that he could get treatment for this stuff, but he has to talk to his doctor. He said he is too embarrest to talk about to him. Well I hope he does. I told him that if he wanted help, he had to seek it out.
Would you be able to offer to go with him to see his doctor? Would that help him go?
> So I feel bad for him, but yet I am still very angry at him.
I think that is really understandable. You can still keep some boundaries though (so that he knows you haven't forgiven him) while helpling him get to his doctor so that he can get a little help though.
I think it is understandable that you would feel conflicted...
He didn't want to go to a therapist because he has had bad experiences with therapists in the past, hasn't he? I'm not sure that I'm remembering correctly, sorry. I think the best treatment for OCD is a conjunction of meds and therapy so it would be good if he can get up some courage to do that.
It might be that...
He ends up with a therapist and as part of that... Learns to talk about his feelings and stuff... And maybe learns to... Talk to you and figure this stuff out.
I understand that you feel betrayed and that is really very understandable given the circumstances.
This isn't to condone what he did at all... Not to condone it at all...
But typically when that happens... It is an indicator that there are deeper problems there. I know this is fairly stereotypical... But typically men and women deal with those problems in different ways. Women seek external emotional connections (like going to therapy and / or talking to friends who understand better) and guys have a tendency to... Have a sexual affair. Different ways of dealing.
That isn't to condone it at all...
It is just to say that there might be hope...
Sometimes... Well you can't move on or forgive because... You need to know what happened why it happened you need to know that it isn't going to happen again. Sounds like you guys can't figure out those answers together (or you would have done so before now). But maybe if he gets a t... And talks to his t about how his homelife is stressful given what happened (which it must be)... You guys may be able to make some progress. To reduce tension and animosity and dis-ease if nothing else.
This is the end of the thread.
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