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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:49:42
On how to get through transference h*ll?
I understand that I *can* do without my therapist, but I viscerally panic at the idea anyway.
I know my breathing, and I'm numbing the distress with Risperdal. I'm trying to distract myself with work. (And with spending, but that's probably not a good thing.)
Any other techniques to keep the meltdown at bay? And the softening and return and the trying to make things normal again at any cost?
I think techniques applicable to any breakup or loss of an important person would be most appropriate.
Posted by pegasus on June 18, 2006, at 13:49:23
In reply to Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:49:42
Hmm. Well I always use the technique of moving to a new city (or having them move to a new city) to get over a breakup. But that one seems to have been ruled out for you. And besides, it's not a very healthy way to deal with it.
Um . . . they tell me that seeing a therapist is a good idea.
OK, sorry, I'm really not helping.
OK, here's one that *is* healthy and *did* work for me once: come up with a goodbye ritual. Like, sending something sailing away down a river, or writing something down and then saying it then burning it. Or, what I did was make a clay figure of someone I needed to say goodbye to, and I painted a perfect little box for the figure. Then I thought of the absolute perfect place to leave it. For me it was a shinto shrine I'd been to up in the mountains once. I left the little figure, and talked to the spirits of the shrine, asking them to take care of my person and me because we couldn't take care of each other. And then I cried and cried, but I did feel better after that. I think the key was that the whole thing took some preparation and planning, which was basically a lot of my grieving process.
Dinah, I wish you lots of luck in however the next few weeks and months go for you.
peg
Posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:59:08
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by pegasus on June 18, 2006, at 13:49:23
Yeah, moving to a new city seems like the only thing that will help right now. Healthy or not.
I've thought of getting a therapist to help me get over this one. But aside from my picky tastes in therapists, I think he'd jump at that chance to terminate me, and I just can't handle that yet.
I like the idea of a ritual. That was beautiful what you did. I thought you would say something like you rolled over the figure with your car. :P It was lovely that you were able to ask for both of you to be taken care of.
I've lost people to death before. And I generally do something like make an album, or other memorial of them with pictures. But death is a *comparatively* anger free loss.
Would you believe I've never broken up with anyone in my entire life (except the emotional divorce from my mother)? I've drifted away, and been hurt, but never broken up. I'll have to open myself up to something that will serve as a closing ritual for me.
I have a therapist figure, but so far my thoughts had been running to doing unspeakable things to it. Perhaps I could try to think of something more generous.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2006, at 15:10:01
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » pegasus, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:59:08
I love pegasus's idea. How moving and meaningful. I do think any kind of ritual like that can be helpful, but I think it may take some time to get to that point, too.
Distration is good. It helps us get through day to day things. From what I've learned and experienced so far, though, I think that you can't distract entirely. Experiencing grief and pain and anger and whatever difficult emotions are related is key to moving towards acceptance. Acceptance is key, imo, to letting go and moving forward, maybe even to forgiveness, but at the very least, to letting go. (Forgiveness is not necessary, imo.) I've been dealing with this myself about the things my husband did on my birthday and our anniversary last year. When my birthday came around this year, it brought all that pain back, and it was obvious I still needed to work on it.
One way I've seen that works with grief issues is writing letters to the person. These are letters that will never be sent. It might take one or it might take many. It IS important for someone to hear them, though. Reading it aloud to someone or sending it to someone you trust is important, otherwise, it remains sort of ephemeral. The idea about letters like this is that you do get to express anything and everything about what you feel about the loss and what it means, but in a safe way.
Take care,
gg
Posted by fallsfall on June 18, 2006, at 17:03:01
In reply to Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:49:42
I would encourage you to look for a new therapist. You don't have to go with the first one you see. You can shop around - until you feel comfortable. You don't have to find someone to do forever therapy with - just someone to help you through this period.
The only way I survived leaving my first therapist was therapy (and Babble).
Let me know how I can help.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031213/msgs/290414.html
Posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 20:09:22
In reply to Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:49:42
I need to follow discussions re: CBT. Have only been through DBT therapy.
(p.s. Dinah: Will you tell me please ... is psychology board for discussing relationship with P and T and therapies etc., and then psycho-babble board for medications? I need to get this straight as I've been around here too long and am 'just now realizing I've been confused'. Thank you. Babble if like.)
best wishes, cf
Posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 20:19:23
In reply to Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 12:49:42
I just went back up and read the initial post.
One from DBT that I like, is focusing on the position of your body. I like to do it when I'm lying in bed especially, but can do anywhere. It creates a distraction that makes you aware of your posture and of how altering positions feel comforting. Sometimes you don't realize how 'bound up or tense you are' until you focus on your body position. Then you can re-arrange yourself to feel comfortable. (Hope makes sense.)
cf
Posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 0:59:26
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » Dinah, posted by corafree on June 18, 2006, at 20:09:22
Right. The medication board is (plain) Psychobabble. Psychobabble Psychology is for things to do with therapy or psychology theory.
Did you enjoy DBT?
Posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 1:00:16
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2006, at 15:10:01
I'm getting scared and wanting to back down now. :(
Posted by pegasus on June 19, 2006, at 9:16:02
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » pegasus, posted by Dinah on June 18, 2006, at 13:59:08
Aw shucks, I'm glad y'all liked my little ritual. I'm not used to having people thing my ideas are good. (blushing)
Dinah, I don't know that it's necessary to come up with something generous to do with your figure. I was "lucky" in that my relationship ended with a lot of sadness, regret, and guilt, rather than anger. So my ritual was what I needed to do to "put down" my person. But, hey, if what you need to do is run him over, then I see nothing wrong with that. I would guess, though, that you might need something more like symbolically splitting him in two and flushing the hurtful parts, while internalizing the helpful parts.
And anyway, I think GG is right that the ritual has to come in it's own time. Might be a while before you know what will help you feel some resolution. BTW, I also agree with the ever-wise GG that forgiveness is not always necessary.
peg
Posted by ClearSkies on June 19, 2006, at 9:24:42
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by pegasus on June 19, 2006, at 9:16:02
> BTW, I also agree with the ever-wise GG that forgiveness is not always necessary.
>
> pegMe three - some actions or behaviours are not appropriate candidates for forgiveness.
ClearSkies
Posted by fallsfall on June 19, 2006, at 14:04:38
In reply to Thanks Falls and ? gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 1:00:16
Don't back down.
This is very, very similar to an abused wife leaving her husband, Dinah. I know you see the similarities. What would you say to you if you weren't you? (I know you'll be able to parse that sentance... at least I think so)
The first days are the hardest.
He isn't helping you. He is actively hurting you. Enough is enough.
Posted by corafree on June 20, 2006, at 2:27:26
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » corafree, posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 0:59:26
No. It was strict, structured, and you were never to mention 'any bad experience' within sessions or with your peers. The therapists will throw you into defensive mode if you make the smallest mistake. They attack and await your reaction, and then the session is all about 'that'. It was hard for me. I so often felt the need to pour out my feelings ... but that's not what DBT is about. I think I almost began to feel worse about myself.
I did learn some good distraction techniques though.
I went through all modules except the most important one for me; relationships. (The group disbanded ... I got lucky!)
It was very, very hard. I think I should have gone to CBT first.
Sorry to say this; again this was just my experience. This person is a well-accredited and well-known therapist and I know she meant me no harm. She wanted me to stay and do one-on-one, then I had to make this devastating physical move, so didn't get back in touch with her. Things have really gone downhill for me since this move.
Thanks for answering Dinah!
love, cf
Posted by corafree on June 20, 2006, at 2:29:51
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice?, posted by ClearSkies on June 19, 2006, at 9:24:42
Me four. I heard this from a man and wrote it down as a 'pearl of wisdom'.
cf
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2006, at 7:49:11
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » Dinah, posted by corafree on June 20, 2006, at 2:27:26
That's probably the downside of the therapy manual therapies. That they might be approached too rigidly. I guess that's why DBT also encourages individual therapy.
I'm sorry you had to move, and lost the chance to see this therapist. Have you been able to find one where you are now?
Posted by corafree on June 20, 2006, at 10:05:50
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » corafree, posted by Dinah on June 20, 2006, at 7:49:11
But, ... I could only see my DBT therapist.
She said it would be a conflict of interest to see a therapist outside the DBT realm.
Hiding all my feelings from my children, my co-workers, my family, ... so overwhelming you just need to vent, but it wasn't acceptable. I had to be the 'perfect and strong person' they always knew. Gosh it's been hard.
I think I should have had immediate one-on-one therapy after the domestic violence w/ a good therapist. But I was traumatized and hence confused about my ability to make decisions. I was in a women's group, but stopped going as felt some discomfort there. Not sure ... think it's something about women being honest w/ women.
I was a victim who never rec'd any justice. My attorney at the divorce didn't want to make mention of the abuse and I didn't argue. She was cheap and strange.(?) Like said, I was so traumatized that I couldn't find my way then and I'm afraid I still haven't. I lost my father, my backbone and best friend, a couple years back. Sometimes I think that's when I gave up this fight.
I think the 'injustice and invalidation and the whole cover-up' is what has kept me 'stuck'.
Yep ... I still feel like my feelings are not important. Everyone said I'd feel so much better w/o him in my life.(?) And I learned in DBT even more ways to dissipate my feelings.
I'm sorry ... do you kind of understand?
I am glad that now, in my State, the abused doesn't have to make the 'go to jail' decision. It's now just a given. I could never do it to my husband. The strong and confidant me had changed ... I felt like I needed him, like my lungs needed air. Hmmm ... ridiculous and real.
Now I feel like you and others that have read this followup will avoid reading my threads or posts. I think I've reached my 'limited' number of followups here anyway.
love, cf
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2006, at 10:31:59
In reply to Re: Any CBT or DBT or other advice? » Dinah, posted by corafree on June 20, 2006, at 10:05:50
> I think the 'injustice and invalidation and the whole cover-up' is what has kept me 'stuck'.
I think that sounds like an important insight. Have you found a new therapist to help you learn to get unstuck?
>
> Yep ... I still feel like my feelings are not important. Everyone said I'd feel so much better w/o him in my life.(?) And I learned in DBT even more ways to dissipate my feelings.
>
> I'm sorry ... do you kind of understand?I definitely understand.
> Now I feel like you and others that have read this followup will avoid reading my threads or posts. I think I've reached my 'limited' number of followups here anyway.
>
There are no limited number of followups. Are you referring to the three post rule? That's a very limited scope rule and would never apply to back and forth posting between posters.I meant to reply to your Admin post, and will. But it will take some thinking on my part, and I'm afraid I have to get to work right now. :(
> love, cf
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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