![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 30, 2006, at 21:37:12
Inspired by
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/650655.html
Dear llrrrpp,
I know you're feeling really good right now. Maybe you're feeling too good. If you think you might be abusing caffeine, perhaps you should ask yourself if it's causing any problems. Like-- are your cuticles ripped to shreds? If the answer is yes, which I know it is, because I'm looking at your hands, perhaps the caffeine is just activating some anxiety within you.The caffeine is also a problem because it makes you kind of loquatious (sp?). People on Babble probably don't want to read your random thoughts. They are busy enough already. Haven't you taken advantage of their kindness already? Save their good will for the next crisis. Don't use up their energy reading your random, scattered, lonesome ponderings.
Have you thought about why you might be anxious? Is it because you see T tomorrow, and you don't know what you're going to say? Are you anxious because you got an e-mail from your mom, and she basically apologized for her absence in the big events in your life over the last 3 years? Are you anxious because you cautiously peek around, and don't see the cloud of depression over you, but you forgot to put on sunblock. Now that life is sunny, you're afraid of getting burned again? Is it possible that you're anxious that T will pronounce you "cured" and drop you like a hot potato, now that you're no longer in danger of terminating your life? Is it possible that you've grown rather fond of having the crutch of depression to lean on, using it to explain away all your failures in life, using it to lose weight from the anorexia of anhedonia? And now that the healthy llrrrpp is back, there is a quiet grieving for that crutch, because now you have no excuses for your laziness and inevitable stumblings?
Just a few thoughts. I don't mean to offend, llrrrpp. Once, I loved you.
sincerely ours,
-me, yourself, I
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 21:51:07
In reply to Dear ME, posted by llrrrpp on May 30, 2006, at 21:37:12
I can't say that there isn't some wisdom in your post to yourself, in the form of speculating on the role depression has played in your life. But I'm pretty sure you'd get a PBC if you spoke that way to another poster. :)
And I'm sure your speculations on other Babblers response to your posts were not accurate?
Posted by llrrrpp on May 30, 2006, at 22:02:27
In reply to Re: Dear ME » llrrrpp, posted by Dinah on May 30, 2006, at 21:51:07
> I can't say that there isn't some wisdom in your post to yourself, in the form of speculating on the role depression has played in your life. But I'm pretty sure you'd get a PBC if you spoke that way to another poster. :)
>
> And I'm sure your speculations on other Babblers response to your posts were not accurate?
>
>Dear llrrrpp,
please be civil when you write to yourself. Oh yeah, and stop ripping your cuticles.
sincerely,
-llrrrpp
p.s. just because I wrote you this message doesn't mean I think you're a bad person. Jury's still out on that one...
Posted by orchid on May 30, 2006, at 22:23:19
In reply to Re: Dear ME, posted by llrrrpp on May 30, 2006, at 22:02:27
Posted by fallsfall on May 31, 2006, at 8:52:55
In reply to Dear ME, posted by llrrrpp on May 30, 2006, at 21:37:12
>Are you anxious because you cautiously peek around, and don't see the cloud of depression over you, but you forgot to put on sunblock.
It will take some time to gently acquire some tan so that you won't burn in the sun. Getting better is a process - a process that your therapist will help you with. Give yourself time to get used to the sun again.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 11:48:54
In reply to Re: Dear ME » llrrrpp, posted by fallsfall on May 31, 2006, at 8:52:55
Hi llrrrpp
welcome back.
thanks for indulging me, your dark voice. your crazy one. you've been ignoring me for almost a week. I've been yelling loudly, and you haven't even bothered to give me more than the time of day. Well, today I caught you! I captured your heart, and now I'm squeezing it and it hurts you. but you like it! you like the pressure! you like the narrowing of attention. you like to pick out the dead bird lying on the sidewalk. looking plump as in life, but with its beak pointed in the wrong direction, and its little twiggy legs askew. You like looking at the rusty safety pin in the dust by the sidewalk. Every day you walk past it, and one day, I will convince you to pick it up, and scratch your translucent wrists to indulge me. You like it when you plan something nice for yourself, like a skim vanilla latte on the way to work and then I come and interrupt your enjoyment of it. Doesn't it feel natural when I take away your appetite for life? Doesn't it feel natural when I make you want to put your head on your desk and weep? You and I work together so well. You keep a chipper face, and happy banter going. I ensure that the inside is dark and oozing and miserable. Together we're a team. I will take us to the finish line. You will distract the other team. And though the referee may see our advances, he might not be able to stop us, as long as we don't break any rules. We'll be honest with him. We'll take our pills. We'll tell him that we're doing the right things (which we are). But ha! sometimes doing the right things pushes us closer to the goal. you know why my goal is? right? it's to destroy us. To silence the positive voice, I will have to silence the entire being. Do you know where I came from? Of course you do! But you lie to yourself. You can't remember. But you know. Somewhere. Will the referree help you find out? Are you confident that you can ignore me into non-existence? If you don't remove me from my source, how do you know that I won't grow back? like a kudzu vine, clipped neatly (as long as you remember to) and the minute you're distracted, or stressed, I will grow back, stronger than ever, and suffocate you (happy voice) I will keep you around as long as you're useful to me, to keep up a semblance of your healthy self. To make sure you go to your appointments on time, to make sure people don't hospitalize us. Because I want us to have options. Are you stronger than me? Of course you're not. You feel bad for me, and you indulge me. You love me, because the darkness is seductive, and it makes you feel different and special. it makes you hurt, and you like to hurt. you like to be punished. you NEED me. If you deny me, then you deny your essential self. You can't feel smart to the outside unless you feel dumb on the inside. You can't feel pretty on the outside unless you feel like a hideous wretch on the inside. You can't feel like a success on the outside, unless it's balanced with failure on the inside. You can't voice optimism on the outside without listening to my pessimism on the inside. You can't see the light without the dark for contrast. I'm your contrast. I'm stronger. You love me, even as I hate you.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 12:22:19
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 11:48:54
Hey, you stupid F*ck
you're so nasty
you're such a *fu8kin8 loser
there's a really high building.
you know how to get up there
there's a busy hwy. you can hop off the overpass.
it's a 20 minute walk. you don't even have to look both ways before you cross the streets. run us over! please, run us over.Remember how I made you say mean things? Remember how shamed you felt to hurt her? Remember what an awful child you are, to desert your dying father and wish him dead? Remember how you wanted him to suffer in his death? Don't you feel awful? Isn't it fantastic. You ungrateful, immoral child. Your heart is rotten. You don't even know what love is. You hate your father. even as he lives and recovers you wished he had died, for sheer convenience. A good daughter would want her father to live long and prosper. You're so evil. You want him dead. You think he's nasty. Don't you? He's ruined your mom's life, and you want to set her free. You want him to suffer for his life of sin. And you gloated at his pain. You wanted your mom to suffer being his caregiver, because she wasn't strong enough to protect you from his rages. And you feel guilty now, because his rage is gone. the brain damage has melted his cursed rage. Now he's as cuddly as a nasty old man can be. and you feel guilty, because you still can't love him. you find his person repulsive. and you don't know why. That's my job. As the dark voice, I tell you what to feel. I don't tell you why. Who cares why. just enjoy the anger, the sadness, the guilt, the shame. Because you deserve it. You lousy, rotten, miserable, unethical, unattractive, lazy, foul, inferiour f*ck. Oh yeah. you're fat. even if you get skinny, you'll be fat on the inside. your entire life.
You know why you love me? Because when people say nice things to you like "congratulations on your fellowship" "I like your hair today" "you played well at your concert" you can neutralize those compliments with MY voice. haha. "you stupid b*tch, you should have a tenure-track professorship like your peers. you haven't done good work in 6 months, at least" "your hair is thin and oily. it will look bad the rest of your life, even if it accidentally looks good today" "ignorant listener is tone deaf. didn't hear my squeak, must have not really been listening"
That's why you need me. It's to face the world. The world that's too kind to you, you unworthy wretch.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 12:49:39
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger » llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 12:22:19
dear llrrrpp
you know why I'm more powerful?
because i can make you feel sick.
i make your stomach hurt
i give you chest pains
i make your legs weak
i make you feel shaky
i make you crave passing out from alcohol intoxicationand you like it.
I have more control over our body than you do. You can't even make our body sit up straight, or exercise regularly. eat in moderation. you can't do anything right. You're ineffective. I reign.
Posted by muffled on June 1, 2006, at 14:38:54
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 12:49:39
(((((((((((lllrrp))))))))))))
I dunno why 'the bad' is so strong. Proly cause it has rage and thats a powerful emotion.
I dunno really.
I can't seem to exorcise my 'bad' either.
keeps comming up.
Hurting me.
But I like it, just because its what I'm used to. Its normal to me.
Feeling good is abnormal and scarey and weird to me.
Cuz lotsa times when you feel good and get lively.....thats when you get slappped down the hardest.
I think we CAN exorcise the bad. Just not quite sure how to yet.
Its hides when I try to seek it and learn about it.
But I won't let it win. I won't, I won't , I won't.
I am TOUGH. I will win. F*ck the bad.
I gonna win.
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on June 1, 2006, at 15:22:19
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger » llrrrpp, posted by muffled on June 1, 2006, at 14:38:54
> I think we CAN exorcise the bad. Just not quite sure how to yet.
> Its hides when I try to seek it and learn about it.
> But I won't let it win. I won't, I won't , I won't.
> I am TOUGH. I will win. F*ck the bad.
> I gonna win.
> MuffledYes, Indeed. You will win, as will Llrrrpp
Posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 19:13:03
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by ClearSkies on June 1, 2006, at 15:22:19
Hey llrrrpp
Don't listen to them
you're done
it's over
look at your arm
did you just do what I think you did
were you under the influence?
yes
and it felt fuckin8 good didn't it
yea
victory for self injury
and are you stronger
yes
bcause you have dominion over pain
you can choose
and now you have chosen
you're not scared of it anymoreno
and the others have no idea
and you dont hurt
you gloat
who did you hurt?
me! myself! llrrrpp!
mission accomplishedi think you can go back and try harder
maybe you'll get a scar out of it
a stigma as they say...
right?stigma to match the psycho inside?
what else what else?
you haven't felt this lucky since? since?
since you got on the plane to leave home
yeah
you're leaving home right now, huh?
leaving the physical bodywhy are you posting this on teh spcycholoty borard, stupid?
psychologists are not going to be able to help you
you're surrounded by psycholgists. every day. 9-5. the last 5 years. they only make you hurt more.
kiss their (@s's) goodbye!
htis is fun ha!
babblers, if you made it this far, well, might as well finish? right?
no pain any more. beyond pain. I proved that already. Self-injury as an empirical investigation. Still have some opiates left over from my surgery 4 years ago. might come in handy tonight? huh? what do you say babble. You're all invited. avert your eyes if you must. what? you thought I was kinda under control. hmm. yeah, me too. funny what lurks around the next corner. maybe I'll survive the night. nice llrrrpp will come back to say hi tomorrow. maybe not. who really cares?
I don't care.
does llrrrpp?
who the f is llrrrpp
that name exists to nobody
you're just letters. letters on a screen
you respond to me.
maybe this whole Pbabble thing is just a big AI experiment. the Turing testwell, you passed
congratufreakinglations
now collect your reward.feel bad yet?
sorry. your choice. you keep on reading. see that thing above "trigger" that means let the reader beware. If I can hurt myself, it's only a matter of time before I can hurt others too.maybe I'll get punished. that's what i really want, anyways. I want someone to hurt me so bad that the inside matches the outside. so that there's no disparity. desparate disparity.
I tried being rational.
I tried to help me
I tried to reach out
I don't care to try any more
maybe I'm just manipulating you
maybe you write back (ppoooorrrr llllrrrppp))))))with hugs. I'm so sorry you're hurting inside. well. llrrrpp is not sorry she's hurting inside. llrrrpp is beyond fuckin8 hurting. she's high. on it. loving it. like nothing else has ever mattered.gotta run!
more fun stuff to do at home
Posted by Poet on June 1, 2006, at 21:06:24
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 19:13:03
Hi llrrrpp,
I don't think your name is just a bunch of letters, I think to pronounce it is fun. Kind of like slurp without the s.
That said, yes, I read entire post. I think that emotional wounds occur as quickly as physical ones, they just take much longer to heal and the scar doesn't show. For some odd (pun intended) reason many of us seem to need physical reminders of those emotional wounds. Why, I don't know.
Try to take care of yourself even though you don't feel like it, okay?
No cyber hugs as requested.
Poet
Posted by muffled on June 1, 2006, at 22:44:45
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 19:13:03
Yeah, mebbe the hurts are good at the time. You are tough, you can take anything. Nothing can hurt you.
Sigh.
I have so many scars.
Inside and out.
Nobody messes w/me.
But inside..........
ah, sh*t, I dunno, somehow its f*cked up, and I dunno why.
But I won't let the bad take me. Mebbe sometimes I lose the battle, but sometimes I win.
I'm tired of hurting.
I have felt joy.
I have truly smiled.
Laughed.
I will again.
Hope you do too llrrpp.
You know all the weird sh*t? Its mostly emotions. Weird.
Ya, you take care eh.
I do give a certain amount of a sh*t, beleive it , or not.
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on June 2, 2006, at 10:36:08
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 1, 2006, at 19:13:03
> maybe this whole Pbabble thing is just a big AI experiment. the Turing test
>
Uh, no. Unless Dr Bob is the AI component, but having seen him face to face, he's real too.
This place is very real. The caring is real, the interest is real.
I AM REAL.
Let us be real for you too and you'll feel real-er.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 14:54:40
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger » llrrrpp, posted by ClearSkies on June 2, 2006, at 10:36:08
Okay. now I feel realer.
I have decided to put the dark voice back in the dark. Make *it* feel unreal.
I am ashamed for my posts
I feel sorry and guilty for having a crisis on babble. I shouldn't subject you all to such a thing. You're kind of fragile. yes, you may understand, but it's not your job to try to help me. I feel like I diffused the crisis by spreading my issues to others. rather than hold a pile of stinking turds in my hand, I just diluted them and sprayed them around. Maybe you are grateful to be fertilized, but let's just be honest. I sprayed poo on you.
And I apologize for my poor judgment and my lack of concern for real people with real problems. people who came to babble to share happiness, and ended up inhaling poo droplets instead.
I apologize to people with questions and comments that actually pertain to something mutable, something that can be positively affected by the babble community.
And I apologize to people who got worried on my behalf. You have wasted your empathy. Any second you spent reading my posts from yesterday, or thinking about the hurtful things I do to myself is a second that you lost when you could have been playing with your puppy or your diggerydoo, or picking flowers from your garden, or eating vanilla ice cream with hot fudge and a shot of chocolate sauce. You could have been watching a mind-numbing commercial on the telly and it still would have been a better use of your time.
I'll be quieter next time I have crises
yours truly
llrrrpp
Posted by Dinah on June 2, 2006, at 15:28:58
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 14:54:40
Do I understand that you need something different from us than we are offering?
What is it that you would find helpful?
Posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 15:45:23
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger » llrrrpp, posted by Dinah on June 2, 2006, at 15:28:58
Dinah,
i don't even know what i need. It's kind of a problem lately.
Yesterday i needed to hurt. I would have loved it if Psycho-babble had a masochism board. We could post something personal on there, like...
i don't like my 4th toe. it looks like a troll.
... and people would instantaneously write hideous and uncivil things (starting with a personal critique of my toe, and ending with a prompt for me to end my tenure as a living creature). THAT's what I needed yesterday (or at least what I was crying out for. What the dark voice wanted).
I got what I needed, eventually. Someone reached out to me, and made me talk. (Thank you). this has happened a few times now. I consider myself lucky. (thank you again). and here I am. still among the living.
but what do I *need*? It depends on which voice is screaming the loudest. The louder the dark voice is, the more resistant I am to love and support. but actually that's what I'm crying out for. right? huh? yeah. That's probably why I'm on "psycho-babble", instead of "healthy-chat"
At the moment, I *NEED* a real life hug, but I have to hang on a few more days. I know no huggers in my immediate vicinity.
well. thanks for asking. i think i needed to talk about my needs. ja.
Posted by muffled on June 2, 2006, at 15:50:27
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 14:54:40
> Okay. now I feel realer.
***what does that mean anyways????
>
> I have decided to put the dark voice back in the dark. Make *it* feel unreal.***well THAT sounds good
>
> I am ashamed for my posts***Do not be ashamed, we all got our own sh*t.
>
> I feel sorry and guilty for having a crisis on babble. I shouldn't subject you all to such a thing. You're kind of fragile. yes, you may understand, but it's not your job to try to help me.***No it is not my JOB to help you. I CHOOSE to reach out to you cuz I can relate to your pain. Right now I am fortunate enough to be able to do this. Sometimes I can't.
I've read posts of yours and I like lots of what you have said. You are raw and honest and real bout stuff and I respect that.I feel like I diffused the crisis by spreading my issues to others. rather than hold a pile of stinking turds in my hand, I just diluted them and sprayed them around. Maybe you are grateful to be fertilized, but let's just be honest. I sprayed poo on you.
***Spray away. Wouldn't be this first time someones sprayed poo or that I myself have done the spraying. We are here for each other as best we can do. Poo and all.
>
> And I apologize for my poor judgment and my lack of concern for real people with real problems. people who came to babble to share happiness, and ended up inhaling poo droplets instead.***Ah Llrrrpp. You make me feel better in your posts cuz I don't feel so alone and such a reject. I don not come here to share happiness all the time. I come to share my questions and pain too, and to get confirmation and support from others who don't put me down.
>
> I apologize to people with questions and comments that actually pertain to something mutable, something that can be positively affected by the babble community.***I'm not that smart! What does mutable mean?!
>
> And I apologize to people who got worried on my behalf.
You have wasted your empathy.*** I have not worried so much as I've wished to try to come alongside you in your struggles, thats all.
Any second you spent reading my posts from yesterday, or thinking about the hurtful things I do to myself is a second that you lost when you could have been playing with your puppy or your diggerydoo, or picking flowers from your garden, or eating vanilla ice cream with hot fudge and a shot of chocolate sauce. You could have been watching a mind-numbing commercial on the telly and it still would have been a better use of your time.
***Well, sorry, but I gotta beg to disagree. I am learning much about myself in my interactions with you. Better than the stupid TV.
>
> I'll be quieter next time I have crises***Well I don't want you to have crisises, but I personally don't mind you having them on babble cuz as I have said it helps me too.
The only thing I have found is that sometimes I DO have to walk away from babble cuz it sometimes sort of intensifies things in a worse way when I start writing and dwelling on my crisis of the week too much.
>
> yours truly
> llrrrpp***Thanks Llrrrp.
You take care.
Really, you ok in my book if thats of any consequence to you.
Muffy
Posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 16:09:01
In reply to Ah, Llrrrpp...... » llrrrpp, posted by muffled on June 2, 2006, at 15:50:27
"Really, you ok in my book if thats of any consequence to you.
Muffy"It is of consequence
I like you Muffy. I'm glad I'm in your bookmutable means change-able, things that are not permanent.
The voice that calls me to the dark place tells me that my depression is immutable. that I better accept it. the only way out is... you know.
Posted by muffled on June 2, 2006, at 18:01:26
In reply to Re: Ah, Llrrrpp......, posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 16:09:01
> "Really, you ok in my book if thats of any consequence to you.
> Muffy"
>
> It is of consequence
> I like you Muffy. I'm glad I'm in your book
>
> mutable means change-able, things that are not permanent.
>
> The voice that calls me to the dark place tells me that my depression is immutable. that I better accept it. the only way out is... you know.***but you know that that is a lie. The voice in the dark place loves to put a 'grain of truth' into what it says, so that it makes it seem true. But those dark voices lie like crazy. When I am more in 'reality' (whatever that is) I can see the lies. They are quite obvious. But when I am in the place of darkness its REALLY hard to tell what is truth and what is lies. And thats when it helps to hasve people to talk to you cuz then they can help you see things for what they truly are.
Depression is a sickness, I been there, but you can come out. And then everything is extra special in life cuz you've looked death in the face, and realize that life is a gift, that there is beauty amongst the pain, there are good people out there, that you do have a purpose, that you can help others,....yeah, well, ad nauseum I go on!!!
Anyhow. Suicide is REALLY last resort as it hurts so many people. And what if it don't go right and you spend the rest of your days maimed or on a respirator or something.
I am SO glad I am still here, even if some weeks are really hard for me. The good times are worth it. If I help one person then my life is worthy. If I can bring some rays of light into others darkness, then its worth it.
I used to want to die. Still sometimes kinda want to, but really, at this point anyway, death is not an option for me.
I hope you can find the good things inside and trust them and beleive them. The darkness is not omnipotent (HA! Hows that for a big word!).
I wish I was smarter.
Anyhow.
I do care.
So you take care ok?
Thanks,
Muffy
Posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 18:04:54
In reply to Re: Ah, Llrrrpp...... » llrrrpp, posted by muffled on June 2, 2006, at 18:01:26
yes, all. I take care.
the continuing saga of my struggles...
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/652049.html
the light at the end of the tunnel?
a brief glimpse of the sun in between the clouds?
who cares. I'm going into the light!
-ll
Posted by Dinah on June 3, 2006, at 8:14:29
In reply to Re: Dear ME trigger, posted by llrrrpp on June 2, 2006, at 15:45:23
All understandable needs.
I wish I could send you a real life hugger. Are you a dog person? I know they don't have arms, but they manage to hug pretty well without them. Or volunteering to read at a pre-k or kindergarten program... Kids are full of hugs. And don't they have volunteers to hold or touch preemie babies? Again, they can't hug much, but holding them feels like a hug.
This is the end of the thread.
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