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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 0:46:40
I posted above about going with my teacher to talk to her relative who is a T. Well, plans changed. She just emailed me that her husband is ill and he doesn't want her leaving town during the week since she's going out of state for a few days over the weekend. She says once she gets back, regroups from the trip and gets some work done, we can re-schedule.
I KNOW it's unreasonable, but I feel sad, lost and abandoned. Of course she should be with her husband if he's ill. Of course she should. I know he had some rather serious health problems last year and I understand. Really, I do.
But I still feel hurt. Hurt way deep down. And I don't know if I really want to reschedule. The anxiety of going has weighed heavily on me and my body isn't holding up well. It's been 10 days since I told her I'd go and I've lost exactly that many pounds. Most everything that goes down makes a quick exit, one way or another. I could stand to lose 100, so it's not like this is an awful thing; but I feel horrible. Lethargic. No energy. I'm not sure my body could make it through another month of waiting. The anxiety is just too much. I don't know that it'd be that long, but knowing my friend, it easily could be. I can't have it hanging over me much longer.
I don't know how to respond to her email. Do I tell her how hard it's been and that I don't care to reschedule? I really don't want to (reschedule). She asked how I am. Do I tell her the truth? Or do I just not reply at all? If I do that, she might call. If she called, I'd probably start crying. I don't want to make her feel badly. What I SHOULD do is write that I'm terribly sorry her husband is so ill; and just leave it at that. I don't think I'm a big enough person to do that, though. And that makes me feel really rotten about me.
I need advice guys. And maybe some hugs and support too.
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2006, at 1:28:50
In reply to please help, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 0:46:40
Hmmm...
Well, you've always got us to talk about how you really feel. Just as you can tell her how you really feel about us. (grin)
At a guess, she probably feels bad enough as it is. She's the one who suggested this, and I'm sure she didn't cancel it lightly.
I think I'd go with you're sorry that her husband is sick (which you are) and that you understand that she needs to be with him (which you do) and that you can talk about rescheduling when things are more settled (which is also completely true).
That has the benefit of preserving a relationship that you treasure, and having the joy of giving a kindness to someone you care about, and not least - showing yourself that you're a much bigger person than you thought you were.
And you've still got us. You can tell us all the things that are equally true, but that you chose not to share with her at this time.
Posted by special_k on April 17, 2006, at 4:34:56
In reply to Re: please help » jammerlich, posted by Dinah on April 17, 2006, at 1:28:50
yeah i agree with dinah.
she probably feels pretty bad already and knows it isn't really okay...and you understand that already...
on the other hand... sometimes needs conflict and i'm so sorry that this is hard for you. i understand about how hard it is. i mean i don't quite understand the situation but when i go to talk to a t i haven't met before i get really anxious and stuff for days beforehand too. and if i get a call that morning because they have to reschedule for whatever reason then i'm really peeved and at the time i think i never want to ever see them ever.
sigh.
i'm sorry sweetie. but hang in there. you can go off to us as much as you like.
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 13:48:30
In reply to please help, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 0:46:40
Sorry. ((Hugs)) if you will take them.
It is hard. I STILL get nervous going to my T and its been over a year.
Cancellations are HARD, HARD, HARD at any time.
I think Dinahs post was good.
Oh, but such a dissapointment........
But you can and will get thru this.
You've made it this far...
So ya, talk to us.
The time will come.
Yeah, I feel for you, dunno what to say rerally, I know it hurts a TON. You are NOT alone in this.
Please take care,
muffled
Posted by orchid on April 17, 2006, at 13:55:32
In reply to please help, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 0:46:40
I understand the feelings.
I think Dinah is right too. You should send a warm and empathetic email to her, and leave it at that for now. Of course you have every right to feel sad and lost and abandoned, but now is not the time to share that with your friend. Maybe later.
Also, another concern that I have - I understood from your previous post, that this is your friend, and that you feel very strongly attached to her, and she offered to drive you to a place to see her sister who is a T.
In my opinion, it is perhaps better to avoid this kind of complicated relationships with Ts. Where you are already quite strongly attached to her sister. It is better to see a different T who your friend doesn't know. Just my 2 cents.
Posted by Racer on April 17, 2006, at 15:02:18
In reply to Re: please help » jammerlich, posted by orchid on April 17, 2006, at 13:55:32
And I think you come up with something that says you understand about her husband, you're hoping he's doing well, to get in touch with you when she gets back from her trip --
AND
I would also tell her that you have been a bit uncomfortable about going to see her sister, and that while you are appreciative that she cares so much about you that she arranged it, you're not sure that you want to reschedule at this time. I wouldn't say that you won't, because you don't have to make it black and white right now -- maybe a month from now you'll be in a place where you are raring to go up there and have this consult, right? So, leave that open, but let her know that it's not a foregone conclusion.
And then thank her again for arranging it in the first place.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can imagine how hard this must be for you, but I agree with Orchid that even a consult with the sister of a friend would be a bit awkward.
Good luck, and i hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Anneke on April 17, 2006, at 15:56:13
In reply to please help, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 0:46:40
I have to respectfully disagree a bit here...I don't think that it would be wrong for jammerlich to share her disappointment with her friend....that's what friends do. Her friend ASKED how she's doing, she knows she's been having a rough time. If it were me, I'd want to know the truth; I'd want to know if there was something else I could do to help her. She wouldn't have asked if she didn't want to know. And if jammerlich doesn't tell her, she might think that it's not such a big deal after all, that she's doing better, etc., etc.
I may be projecting here, but I think a big issue for a lot of us here is being able to ask for help when we need it and not feeling that our problems and needs are less important than someone else's. I'm not saying she should throw a tantrum in front of her friend about this, but telling her that she's disappointed that they won't be able to go and that she feels sad about it and that she's really struggling right now to hold things together....I don't think that's such an awful thing, especially since her friend is obviously concerned about her. Of course, you'd want to say the obvious things about how sorry you are that her husband is sick and is there anything you can do to help. But, I don't think this has to be an either/or situation.
As far as the consult with a friend's sister, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing either. When I first saw a pdoc for post-partum depression, it was a close colleague of my husband's. It actually made it easier for me because I knew that it was someone who really had my best interests at heart and who wasn't some "quack". That being said, she mostly did meds management for me and isn't my T, but I think it can work to consult with someone you know if it feels comfortable to you.
In any case...we all agree this situation stinks... ((((jammerlich))))
Posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 16:59:40
In reply to another opinion, FWIW, posted by Anneke on April 17, 2006, at 15:56:13
I sent an email telling her how sorry I was her husband was ill and how hard I knew it must be on her. I said I understood she needed to be with him and I would pray that it was nothing serious. And I offered to drop off dinner tomorrow night.
In response to her question about how I was doing, I told her I didn't know what to say except that I'm here. I also said I didn't want to reschedule because the anxiety has just been too much. I said that I hadn't concerned her with the details of it and had been tolerating it because I knew it would be over soon. But now, I can't say it's going to end soon and I'm worried about what will happen to me if I continue like this.
I wish I'd read Racer's post before I did it. It probably would have been better to do as she suggested and not make it so black and white. And I didn't thank her for all the trouble she'd gone to in arranging everything. Really kicking myself for that one.
I didn't aim to make her feel worse and I think I did the best I could to not blame and to own all my feelings. I did not use words like "sad" and "abandoned" and I didn't really even say I was upset that plans changed. Only that I didn't feel like it was good for me to let the anxiety continue.
A big thank you to everyone. I appreciate ALL the input. I hope you'll stick around with your support and good advice.
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 17:12:01
In reply to what I did, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 16:59:40
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2006, at 17:54:31
In reply to what I did, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 16:59:40
Posted by Racer on April 17, 2006, at 18:03:48
In reply to what I did, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 16:59:40
NOT!
Good for you, I'm glad you wrote to her and got that off your mind. If you regret not having thanked her for arranging this, you can write to her again, simply to say "Thank you" and let her know how good it feels that she cares about you.
Or not.
But whatever you do, we are here, and will jump in with whatever we can for you.
Posted by Anneke on April 17, 2006, at 19:01:55
In reply to what I did, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 16:59:40
Posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2006, at 11:25:07
In reply to well done! (nm) » jammerlich, posted by Anneke on April 17, 2006, at 19:01:55
Well I got an email back from her today. It basically laid out everything she has to do today and it sounds like she's going to be out ALL day and into the evening; much like she would have been tomorrow had we gone to see her sister as planned.
Her husband may very well be ill, but I'm having a hard time believing he's the reason we aren't going. What difference does it make whether she's in or out of town - she's still gone all day? I have a feeling something more important came up or she realized she'd planned too much for the week and needed to scale back; and instead of taking the responsibility herself, she pinned it on him. I've done things like that before myself. But I need to try not to because it feels really rotten to be on the other end of it.
Her whole email just left me feeling terrible. I wonder if I didn't write back, how long it'd take her to notice. I think she keeps herself really busy to keep her mind off her own problems, but I wonder if that doesn't come at the expense of her relationships. I think she may get so busy she forgets about people.
I don't know. I just feel really awful and can't stop crying.
Posted by B2chica on April 18, 2006, at 11:47:21
In reply to This doesn't feel good, posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2006, at 11:25:07
Posted by Racer on April 18, 2006, at 12:37:00
In reply to This doesn't feel good, posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2006, at 11:25:07
> Her husband may very well be ill, but I'm having a hard time believing he's the reason we aren't going. What difference does it make whether she's in or out of town - she's still gone all day?
I don't think I agree. You know her, I don't, and you might be right. OR it might just be that he feels a sense of security in having her "in town" when he's sick. And it could be that there's a control thing within their marriage that you don't know about, and this is his way to assert some control over her actions.
There are too many things you can't know about other people, really. I guess I think that you've got a couple of choices: extrapolate things you've done onto the behavior of others, which might make you feel bad (as it has in this instance); or take what she's said on faith, trust her to have been honest with you, and go forward with a friendship which is valuable to you.
I wish you didn't feel so bad, but I think in this case you may be reacting based on facts not in evidence. If you can let go of those, you may feel better, and that really is the end goal here, right?
Peace.
Posted by orchid on April 18, 2006, at 12:46:35
In reply to This doesn't feel good, posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2006, at 11:25:07
I wouldn't know how to interpret her email. But I think usually when a spouse is sick, the other spouse has an obligation to atleast stay in town, so that they can be of help and available in case there is an emergency or if the condition worsens.
I think you should take your friend in good faith on this one.
But apart from this, I think your post clearly tell me, it is all the more reason to not see her sister as your T. IT is already way too complicated for you with your friend, without bringing her sister into the dynamics.
Posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2006, at 13:00:47
In reply to Or maybe... » jammerlich, posted by Racer on April 18, 2006, at 12:37:00
But I don't WANT to be reasonable!!! I want to cry and have a tantrum and act like a spoiled child!!!
Seriously, though, thank you for reframing things. You're absolutely right, there's a lot I don't know. And I admit, I have a really hard time trusting what people say. It's an across the board sort of thing for me. I think I only have one friend whom I always believe.
But I still want to thump you for challenging me. Not one of those really awful man-thumps that can bruise, though. Just one of the girly ones that hardly seem worth the effort.
Thank you for hanging around.
Posted by Anneke on April 18, 2006, at 13:32:05
In reply to please help, posted by jammerlich on April 17, 2006, at 0:46:40
Posted by Racer on April 18, 2006, at 18:57:27
In reply to Re: Or maybe... » Racer, posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2006, at 13:00:47
> But I don't WANT to be reasonable!!! I want to cry and have a tantrum and act like a spoiled child!!!
Yeah, well, that can be good for you, too. And I am serious -- see, one problem I have is that I don't often acknowledge my own reactions to things. So, for instance, when I think about my mother's behavior when I was sick as a child, I "explain" it -- and then go on to this "so I shouldn't be upset..." thing that doesn't allow my own feelings. (Man, ran out of breath on that one...) So, I'd like to extend what I'm trying to learn to you: even if you understand and empathize with your friend's situation, it's still OK for you to be upset. Let yourself be upset about it, and then you'll feel better about the whole thing sooner.
But don't hurt yourself if you lie on the floor kicking and screaming. If you get a sore throat from it, though, hot cocoa helps. :-) 'Specially if you have those little marshmallows...
>
> But I still want to thump you for challenging me. Not one of those really awful man-thumps that can bruise, though. Just one of the girly ones that hardly seem worth the effort.Thump taken... :-0
This is the end of the thread.
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