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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by milly on April 16, 2006, at 17:08:23
I've just had the most frightful row with hubby, I asked why he was so distant with me at the moment, he said he wasn't so i felt completly paranoid and back to that 'not trusting what I *know* to be true' but when I pushed him he blamed me for not talking to him anymore because of having my T and then he blamed babble.
it was horrible, i have 2 choices, 1) i leave babble, 2) I go now and make love to him and see if that sweetens his mood enough to let me stay.
sh*t not in a good place right now
milly
Posted by muffled on April 16, 2006, at 18:19:10
In reply to frightful row, posted by milly on April 16, 2006, at 17:08:23
Sorry you had a fight.
Sucks.
Dunno your hubby.
But a loving lay and a good meal is something most men seem to appreciate.
But don't just f*ck him cuz that'll cause more bad feelings.
Maybe a long walk?
A snuggle?
A note?
Dunno.
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on April 16, 2006, at 18:41:15
In reply to frightful row, posted by milly on April 16, 2006, at 17:08:23
> I've just had the most frightful row with hubby, I asked why he was so distant with me at the moment, he said he wasn't so i felt completly paranoid and back to that 'not trusting what I *know* to be true' but when I pushed him he blamed me for not talking to him anymore because of having my T and then he blamed babble.
Argh! Maybe he’s a bit jealous, and not sure of his place in your life after the changes that doing therapy has made for you? It doesn’t sound as if he’s handling it well.
> it was horrible, i have 2 choices, 1) i leave babble, 2) I go now and make love to him and see if that sweetens his mood enough to let me stay.
Let you stay? Is he threatening to throw you out of the house? Are you in danger?
It doesn’t sound to me as if you want to have sex right now. I hope you don’t feel you *have* to have sex if you don’t want to. I tend to think it’s a very bad idea.
Would it help if you talk to your husband more calmly, when you’re able to? I don’t know exactly what’s going on, of course, but his behaviour is NOT your responsibility. If he feels left out or neglected, there are other ways for him to deal with those feelings; he doesn’t *have* to be distant.
> sh*t not in a good place right now
I hope it gets better soon. Big rows are horrible. I hope you won’t feel you have to leave Babble because we like you very much and we’d miss you! And I don’t know how much support you have in ‘real life’ but I know that finding people who really understand can be quite a challenge.
Take good care of yourself, and please don’t do anything you don’t want to do…
Love,
Tamar
Posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:21:35
In reply to Re: frightful row » milly, posted by muffled on April 16, 2006, at 18:19:10
> Sorry you had a fight.
> Sucks.
> Dunno your hubby.
> But a loving lay and a good meal is something most men seem to appreciate.
> But don't just f*ck him cuz that'll cause more bad feelings.
> Maybe a long walk?
> A snuggle?
> A note?
> Dunno.
> Take care.
> Muffled*** thanks muffled, I was going for the f*ck approach but he spurned even that! which hurt but i was relieved as I didn't want to do it anyway!
Today has been a bit better, nice walk etc and I have tried not to rise to the bait but basically he is very jealous of my babble friends and very, very jealous of my T (he's been a bit more odd than usual since he found out I was sending my T a post-card from Paris)but if I explain how I felt about my T to him he is going to be even more hurt.
milly
>
Posted by B2chica on April 17, 2006, at 13:29:16
In reply to Re: frightful row » muffled, posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:21:35
my hubby at first was Very jealous of babble, now i just don't talk about it all the time like i did before.
also, i did have my hubby meet my T (per his suggestion) and i think that eased some of the jealousy. don't know if that would work for you or not...but suggestion.hope you feeling better.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 13:35:57
In reply to Re: frightful row » muffled, posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:21:35
Hey Milly,
Is there any possibility of your hubby meeting your T at a couples session or something?
I am having a similar prob. in that I am not connecting well w/my hubby. Sure as hell don't wanto screw him. Ugh! Women and men tend to be different that way.
I'm glad you felt releived more than rejected that your hubby didn't want sex. Still kinda hurts though eh? :-(
My T is a woman so I don't have the same prob. as you.
IMO it DOES sound like you need to work on your relationship w/hubby. My T has been at me about my relationship w/hubby too. Sigh.
urgh, its all so confusing isn't it? Is your hubby the preacher? I get people mixed up, sorry.
Anyhow, hope things can get better for you soon.
Take care,
muffled
Posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:37:25
In reply to Re: frightful row » milly, posted by Tamar on April 16, 2006, at 18:41:15
> Argh! Maybe he’s a bit jealous, and not sure of his place in your life after the changes that doing therapy has made for you? It doesn’t sound as if he’s handling it well.** that is exactly the problem, he really is jealous of babble and very jealous of my T and the changes in me are probably hard to cope with (he just wanted the T to find the 'old' milly and he's got landed with a 'new' milly, but if I let him stuff 'new' milly back in a box and revert back to what he wants I may as well give up)
> Let you stay? Is he threatening to throw you out of the house? Are you in danger?
***No danger, just let me stay part of babble.
>
> It doesn’t sound to me as if you want to have sex right now. I hope you don’t feel you *have* to have sex if you don’t want to. I tend to think it’s a very bad idea.*** You were right I didn't want to but he spurned me anyway so that didn't work
> Would it help if you talk to your husband more calmly, when you’re able to? I don’t know exactly what’s going on, of course, but his behaviour is NOT your responsibility. If he feels left out or neglected, there are other ways for him to deal with those feelings; he doesn’t *have* to be distant.
**thanks Tamar, it was good to hear that it's not my responsibility to make everything perfect (but that is what I always end up doing apologizing for stuff thats not my fault because it will make life easier)He does feel left out but when I've tried to talk with him often he's tried to make a joke out of it or brush it aside. Plus I can't talk to him about how I feel right now because it is all tied up with my feelings regarding the loss of my T and he'd only be really hurt if he knew how deeply I felt for my T.
> I hope you won’t feel you have to leave Babble because we like you very much and we’d miss you!
*** wow that was sweet I always feel I'm like a worm that nobody would notice if I was here or not
>And I don’t know how much support you have in ‘real life’ but I know that finding people who really understand can be quite a challenge.
*** there is part of me that holds back on 'real life' support, I'm not sure why probably because once something is said it is so difficult to retract it and there is such poor understanding about alot of the issues
Thanks, Milly
>
>
>
Posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:47:10
In reply to Re: frightful row, posted by B2chica on April 17, 2006, at 13:29:16
> my hubby at first was Very jealous of babble, now i just don't talk about it all the time like i did before.
** I didn't really talk about it but I also didn't realise about the 'history' on the computer so he knew anyway (it just made me look secretive etc)
> also, i did have my hubby meet my T (per his suggestion) and i think that eased some of the jealousy. don't know if that would work for you or not...but suggestion.
** sadly my therapy has finished, they met at the first session because I was so paranoid I couldn't go anywhere without him as I didn't feel safe, but with therapy that soon changed and I guess that was hard to take from hubbys point of view.
>
thanks b2c
milly
Posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:54:38
In reply to Re: frightful row » milly, posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 13:35:57
> Hey Milly,
> Is there any possibility of your hubby meeting your T at a couples session or something?** they have met at the beginning of my therapy because I was totally dependant on hubby to feel even remotely safe and even then I could manage to think he was 'on their side'. But my therapy has ended now so hubby sees me obviously grieving a relationship which he had no understanding of and no part of
> I am having a similar prob. in that I am not connecting well w/my hubby. Sure as hell don't wanto screw him. Ugh! Women and men tend to be different that way.
** yep very different which was why I thought it might work!
> I'm glad you felt releived more than rejected that your hubby didn't want sex. Still kinda hurts though eh? :-(
** yeah didn't want it but 'what the hecks wrong with me if you don't want it'!!!
> My T is a woman so I don't have the same prob. as you.
> IMO it DOES sound like you need to work on your relationship w/hubby. My T has been at me about my relationship w/hubby too. Sigh.**Yep I do!
> urgh, its all so confusing isn't it? Is your hubby the preacher? I get people mixed up, sorry.
** good memory, yes he is which doesn't help right now
> Anyhow, hope things can get better for you soon.
> Take care,
> muffled
> *** thanks muffled (I'm so glad you didn't leave)
>
Posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 23:13:52
In reply to Re: frightful row » muffled, posted by milly on April 17, 2006, at 13:54:38
Hey Milly,
how does the preacher part cause trouble? Is it just that he's so busy?
Men can be dense, but us women folk, well hell, we practically perfect in every way eh!!!!!Kidding of course!!
Are you not able to sit and talk rationally with him?
Or mebbe the basic 'show him you love him' approach is better.(not meaning sex)By special little things. Notes, meals, snuggles, touches, telling him you appeciate what he does for you etc.
I read a book called the love languages of children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I think there's an adult version too. Its a good book to read so you can focus on what might most please your hubby and make him feel loved and appreciated.
However, I am making the large assumption that you DO love him. Mebbe you don't?
Dunno.
Anyhow I ramble.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by milly on April 18, 2006, at 16:04:41
In reply to Re: frightful row, posted by muffled on April 17, 2006, at 23:13:52
> Hey Milly,
> how does the preacher part cause trouble? Is it just that he's so busy?** partly that but also there is a tendancy for him to be able to 'be there' for others but not actually 'present' for me. Plus he has had a hard time with my reaction to my faith (or rather the destruction of it)When I really needed it, I couldn't find it and I felt so utterly utterly alone.
> Men can be dense, but us women folk, well hell, we practically perfect in every way eh!!!!!Kidding of course!!
> Are you not able to sit and talk rationally with him?** Yes but I have been so used to accepting that everything was probably my fault and now since therapy I am much more opinionated and unable to accept things which he is finding hard to cope with
> Or mebbe the basic 'show him you love him' approach is better.(not meaning sex)By special little things. Notes, meals, snuggles, touches, telling him you appeciate what he does for you etc.
** I have really been trying today since I read your post and he noticed and asked if I was after something!!!!
> I read a book called the love languages of children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I think there's an adult version too. Its a good book to read so you can focus on what might most please your hubby and make him feel loved and appreciated.
** yep I got the teenage one but haven't actually read it yet!!
> However, I am making the large assumption that you DO love him. Mebbe you don't?
** Ok that stung! I DO love him, he is a good man he deserves better than me, everyone thinks the sun shines out his *ss and must be a saint to cope with me! but during therapy it became apparent that alot of my 'love' is based on gratitude. He knows nothing of the rape, he believes I was 'pure' but I honestly thought it was tatooed on my head and so when he asked me to marry him i jumped at it as I was so amazed that anyone would want 'damaged goods'. Also I though for once my M&D would approve of something about me!
I DO love him but therapy has given me a little self worth, my T wanted to spend time with me not because I was funny or because I could provide anything for him but simply because I was ME and that was amazing to be seen as me, not the nurse, not the ministers wife, not the girls mum, not the one embroiled in the scandal at school just ME
Thanks I needed that wake up call, I DO love him
milly
Posted by muffled on April 18, 2006, at 22:36:21
In reply to Re: frightful row » muffled, posted by milly on April 18, 2006, at 16:04:41
> ** partly that but also there is a tendancy for him to be able to 'be there' for others but not actually 'present' for me. Plus he has had a hard time with my reaction to my faith (or rather the destruction of it)When I really needed it, I couldn't find it and I felt so utterly utterly alone.
***I've been taught that it is the job of US people to express Gods love. Where was hubby?
Didn't Jesus say something like 'why have you forsaken me?' or some such thing when He was on the cross?
Gods just weaving you into who He needs you to be. Not all easy. Jesus wept tears of blood.
This world is fallen and so full of evil. God gave us free will and us humans have gone wild with it.
Do you have an inside child? Listen to her if you do.
So sorry you have lost your faith at this time. God will always be faithful. He is with me and i just don't understand it????????????
OK sermon over..... ;-0> Yes but I have been so used to accepting that everything was probably my fault and now since therapy I am much more opinionated and unable to accept things which he is finding hard to cope with
***HA!!!!!!!!!!His quiet little lamb is turning into a tiger!!!!!!!!!!! Ha! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!
> I have really been trying today since I read your post and he noticed and asked if I was after something!!!!
***ROFL!!!! I've had the same happen with my man!!!!!!!
>
> yep I got the teenage one but haven't actually read it yet!!
>
> > However, I am making the large assumption that you DO love him. Mebbe you don't?
>
> ** Ok that stung! I DO love him, he is a good man he deserves better than me, everyone thinks the sun shines out his *ss and must be a saint to cope with me!***OMG! out his *ss!!!!!!!!You-the preachers wife!!!!!!ROFLITIPMP!!!!!!!!You my kinda lady! LOL!!!!
And by the by, he DON'T deserve bettern you. Thats just putting yourself down. He's lucky to have you. I'm quite sure hubby is not perfect himself.......he may go wild one day....who the hell knows?????but during therapy it became apparent that alot of my 'love' is based on gratitude. He knows nothing of the rape, he believes I was 'pure' but I honestly thought it was tatooed on my head and so when he asked me to marry him i jumped at it as I was so amazed that anyone would want 'damaged goods'. Also I though for once my M&D would approve of something about me!
*** does he know now???????????????????
And you are not damaged goods any more than I was used merchandise. Thats just negative b*llshit.
This where I started to wonder if you loved hubby or not, thats why I asked, cuz I didn't want to assume you did.
I never saw no mention of you caring for him.....I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said that :-(> I DO love him but therapy has given me a little self worth, my T wanted to spend time with me not because I was funny or because I could provide anything for him but simply because I was ME and that was amazing to be seen as me, not the nurse, not the ministers wife, not the girls mum, not the one embroiled in the scandal at school just ME
> Thanks I needed that wake up call, I DO love him***Yeah, thats goto be hard. I been living all my life feeling I a leper exuding badness, go figger.
I'm glad your discovering yourself. To me you seem to be a very cool person.
What did your T have to say about your hubby not knowing about the rape?
Why doesn't he know?
Its not your fault.
You were assaulted.
If he's religious and all, he should be into mercy and kindness you might think? Bound to be a shock if you not told him. But then mebbe it'd proly be more about the not telling than about the assault itself.
I hope I'm not messing you up somehow. Just giving my oftentimes stupid opinion, but mebbe it'll stimulate some thot....?
Anyhow, sorry its hard. I guess it must be hard for our hubbys as we change and go thru our 'stuff' :-(
Dunno
Dunno
Dunno,
You great ((Milly)),
Take care,
muffled
Posted by milly on April 19, 2006, at 13:10:11
In reply to Re: frightful row, posted by muffled on April 18, 2006, at 22:36:21
***I've been taught that it is the job of US people to express Gods love. Where was hubby?
~~I think alot of people tried to show God's love but I pushed them away. I wasn't well and I was convinced that what I was doing (which ultimately led to the exposure of the abuse and child porn)was what God wanted me to do but when I tried to explain this to people I thought would understand there was talk of sectioning me! Ok I may not have gone about it in quite the right way but I thought 'they' would get it, support me etc but instead they just kept telling me to behave etc before I 'made myself ill' or got into real trouble (managed both anyway!)
> Didn't Jesus say something like 'why have you forsaken me?' or some such thing when He was on the cross?
~~Good point and boy did I feel forsaken!
> Gods just weaving you into who He needs you to be. Not all easy. Jesus wept tears of blood.
~~Ok tears ++ that is the first time anyone has got anywhere near my heart on this, thanks
> This world is fallen and so full of evil. God gave us free will and us humans have gone wild with it.
~~ I'd just managed to walk back through the doors of church (somewhat changed from who they knew before) and we are told that the minister before us is being charged with raping an under age boy, child porn, grooming etc. How can that hypocrisy be so? and he lived in our house so again I'm facing saftey issues in my own home. I'll never escape it.
> Do you have an inside child? Listen to her if you do.
~~ I think I do, there was alot of talk about this small child lost behind a curtain in T and on the last session a huge resentment that 'big milly' wouldn't shut up! T asked 'little milly' what she wanted to do and it was very strong that she wanted to run away to a big open beach and hurl rocks in the sea and scream until she could scream no more and be held by T incase she exploded.
> So sorry you have lost your faith at this time. God will always be faithful. He is with me and i just don't understand it????????????
> OK sermon over..... ;-0~~ Sermon appreciated and powerfully put, I just don't understand that the one time I needed Him to be present I felt abandoned.
> > > However, I am making the large assumption that you DO love him. Mebbe you don't?
> >
> > ** Ok that stung! I DO love him, he is a good man he deserves better than me, everyone thinks the sun shines out his *ss and must be a saint to cope with me!
>
> ***OMG! out his *ss!!!!!!!!You-the preachers wife!!!!!!ROFLITIPMP!!!!!!!!You my kinda lady! LOL!!!!** well you can see why him & church are having such a hard time with me! What is ROFLITIPMP?
> And by the by, he DON'T deserve bettern you. Thats just putting yourself down. He's lucky to have you. I'm quite sure hubby is not perfect himself.......he may go wild one day....who the hell knows?????
~~No he's not perfect
>
> but during therapy it became apparent that alot of my 'love' is based on gratitude. He knows nothing of the rape, he believes I was 'pure' but I honestly thought it was tatooed on my head and so when he asked me to marry him i jumped at it as I was so amazed that anyone would want 'damaged goods'. Also I though for once my M&D would approve of something about me!
>
> *** does he know now???????????????????~~nope he doesn't but then again it was well buried until unearthed in therapy even I didn't *remember* it, which is why time limited therapy s*cks because the sewer was dredged up and now I am left alone coping with the floating sh*t!
> And you are not damaged goods any more than I was used merchandise. Thats just negative b*llshit.
> This where I started to wonder if you loved hubby or not, thats why I asked, cuz I didn't want to assume you did.
> I never saw no mention of you caring for him.....I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said that :-(~~No you should have said it and I'm grateful that you did it was just a bit of a wake up call!
***Yeah, thats goto be hard. I been living all my life feeling I a leper exuding badness, go figger.
~~I know it is so hard to believe yourself to be anything else but when i read your posts I KNOW that your not that.> I'm glad your discovering yourself. To me you seem to be a very cool person.
~~Thanks> What did your T have to say about your hubby not knowing about the rape?
~~ well as I said it was all abit of a shock to me to discover it, i told no-one at the time and just went into denial even though I contracted VD from him!
> Why doesn't he know?
> Its not your fault.~~ It still feels like my fault, I challenged him over a work issue ( it was actually how little respect he treated the patients in the psychiatric ward where I was working) and he vowed to teach me a lesson. Which he did! (but it never stopped me saying the truth)
> You were assaulted.
> If he's religious and all, he should be into mercy and kindness you might think? Bound to be a shock if you not told him. But then mebbe it'd proly be more about the not telling than about the assault itself.~~ yeah, but what will it acheive?
> I hope I'm not messing you up somehow. Just giving my oftentimes stupid opinion, but mebbe it'll stimulate some thot....?
~~NOT stupid.
> Anyhow, sorry its hard. I guess it must be hard for our hubbys as we change and go thru our 'stuff' :-(> You great ((Milly)),
~~ You greater! ((((Muffled))))
~~Thanks,
Milly
PS I took him for lunch and tried to explain how VERY important babble is to me and also that I love him very much, things are better (he's even just brought me a coffee whilst I post! acceptance I think)
I honestly believe they wouldn't have been without your help.
This is the end of the thread.
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