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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 16:44:16
There's someone whose behavior is making me very uncomfortable. She asks for me to "rescue" her on a regular basis, and I get to feeling guilty about not 'doing enough' for her. I do empathize, and I wish there was something that someone could do for her, but the bottom line in this case is that she needs to do something for herself, and instead she seems to create situations that are harder and harder to deal with, and more and more dramatically awful for her.
I don't know how much more to say, because I don't want ot write anything that could allow her to identify herself in case she comes here. I feel so bad for her, but I can't save her.
The latest is a health concern, and she has no one to help her. I can't help her, because it's contraindicated for ladies what want to be (or are, for that matter) pregnant. She wants someone to shop for her, and clean her apartment a bit, since she's too sick to do it herself. I'm very sorry that that's the case, but it's also not something I can take on, you know?
And I feel so guilty about not just stepping in and saving her. I have done what I can in terms of helping her research options for low cost counseling -- which is what she really needs, to examine why she would rather create dramas than address herself to life -- and suggesting options for health care, and how to get health insurance, and things to think about in terms of her next steps in life, etc. And she will listen, and agree with most of it -- and then call a few days later with another, worse, crisis.
At this point, I'm afraid to try to help, for fear she'll just continue asking for more-more-more; and I'm afraid not to help, because I'm afraid of what will come up next for her.
Can anyone make any suggestions? And, while we're on the subject, what is going on with all the guilt and all the drama? Can anyone offer up anything like, "You're experiencing Projective Identification on her part," or "she sounds as though she's experiencing symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder," or "What's wrong with you that you don't just step in and do what needs doing to save her?"
Well, probably not the last one...
Thanks...
Posted by fallsfall on January 14, 2006, at 17:27:51
In reply to Advice and possible explanation of behavior?, posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 16:44:16
Saving her will not ultimately help her. It is so hard not to save someone when they are pleading to be saved. You are doing the right things - making sure she is aware of resources that can help her. This is really hard, Racer. Tell her that you have confidence that she will resolve her own problems, remind her of the resources she should be using, and then tell yourself that she is making choices for her life (and that she has the right to make choices - even bad ones).
Set your boundaries. You'll be her friend and do friend things (go to the movies, go shopping, whatever). But you won't rescue her. She needs to learn to organize her life so she doesn't need rescuing. Is she suicidal, or just crisis prone?
Posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 20:35:19
In reply to Re: Advice and possible explanation of behavior? » Racer, posted by fallsfall on January 14, 2006, at 17:27:51
> She needs to learn to organize her life so she doesn't need rescuing. Is she suicidal, or just crisis prone?
That's a very hard question to answer, frankly. She talks a lot about passive suicide, and has "accidentally" OD'd a few times now. Many of her crises are health related, and some of those are self-induced, kinda -- like taking huge amounts of aspirin or Motrin, and then ending up in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer. That sort of thing. And, of course, the "accidental" ODs. I can't say how accidental they were. I really got the impression that she got kinda over-loaded, then needed attention, so OD'd to get it, you know? I truly don't believe, though, that she had any interest in killing herself -- just in getting hospitalized and getting attention. And, so far, it's always been a medical hospital, because it was "accidental," rather than a psychiatric hospital.
I do know that she's a prescription drug hound, and that she does silly things like running out of food and then being too sick to get any herself. That's one time I get the calls, "Help? I need food..." It's hard for me to say no, although I do have a pretty good reason for not coming through right now, you know? :-D
Thanks, Falls, for reminding me that "rescuing" her won't save her. I guess I should make a sign and put it up over the door, you know?
Posted by fallsfall on January 14, 2006, at 22:31:11
In reply to Re: Advice and possible explanation of behavior?, posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 20:35:19
You may need to wean her away from expecting you to rescue her. For instance - for her "I need food, but I'm too sick to get any" - you could drop off a loaf of bread and a jars of peanut butter and jelly. No visit. Just leave the food. Fix the problem without gratifying.
For the "OD's" my attitude would be "Gee, you need to figure out a way to make sure that you are more aware of what you are taking". Maybe give her a calendar so she can write down whenever she takes anything.
The hard part is to remain a caring friend while refusing to participate in the drama.
I found that when I disappeared as an audience that the behavior mellowed, and things are significantly improved now. But, boy, was it hard to do.
Good luck.
Posted by fairywings on January 15, 2006, at 0:18:53
In reply to Advice and possible explanation of behavior?, posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 16:44:16
Hi Racer, it's hard not to feel guilty when you care about others, but it's not fair for her to put you in that position. It's not your responsibility. She got herself into this, and now she'll have to grow up really fast and take responsibility.
She sounds dependent, like she has a rescue fantasy, seeks pity, doesn't want to own up to her mistakes or problems, like she plays the victim, etc... I know how bad it feels not to step in, but where does it ever end? and is she only taking and never giving? Maybe give her a list of house cleaning services and shopping services.
I can really identify with what you're going through because we have someone who is the same way, but different circumstances. They blew through a LOT of money, and are now w/o health insurance, car, and very soon home. They work but don't make enough to live on. They always depended on two people, but now those 2 are gone. They now want a few others to step in a save the day financially. This person is sick physically and emotionally, and I feel horrible for them, but we have a family and can't support another adult, esp. one with so many issues.
I wish you the best in trying to deal with this,
fw
Posted by Phillipa on January 15, 2006, at 20:30:01
In reply to Advice and possible explanation of behavior?, posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 16:44:16
Racer did you say you were finally preganant? Or did I read into it. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on January 15, 2006, at 22:38:51
In reply to Advice and possible explanation of behavior?, posted by Racer on January 14, 2006, at 16:44:16
Ah Racer--a kindred spirit! I must tell you that I have more than one friend who has put me in this position. Which, of course, says just as much about me and my issues as it does about the other person. (My mom always wants to be taken care of, blah, blah..) Which brings me to my suggestion #1...it is worth thinking about it your own therapy. Even if it is 99% them, it is 1% you. You have the power to use the knowledge gained from the 1% to help you in other areas of your life.
However, you also need some real life plans to help you not feel overwhelmed/pushed around by this person. This can be a firm but kind statement, "I'm sorry, you know I wish that you were feeling better, but there are some things going on in my personal life right now. I really need to take care of myself. I know that you will understand." Or it can be caller ID so that you screen out calls from her when it is not a time that you want to(are able to) help her. Or you can think of a few white lies to get you out of things. "I'm sorry I can't help you cleanup today because I already promised my church that I'd volunteer and they'd be stuck w/o me."
It sounds like things are pretty clear for you in this post: she is asking for more from you than you can be reasonably be expected to give. Remind yourself of that next time she asks for something. And the above posts also have some good comments and suggestions about how "helping" her isn't really going to help her. Remind yourself of that too.
Hope you find some of this helpful!
Best,
EE
Posted by Racer on January 16, 2006, at 12:45:00
In reply to Re: Advice and possible explanation of behavior?, posted by Phillipa on January 15, 2006, at 20:30:01
"because it's contraindicated for ladies what want to be (or are, for that matter) pregnant."
I'd say you read it into it. I was saying that it's Not OK for trying to conceive or for pregnant folk.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 16, 2006, at 15:03:53
In reply to Re: Advice and possible explanation of behavior? » Phillipa, posted by Racer on January 16, 2006, at 12:45:00
Maybe there is an explanation that allows both of you to retain your dignity?
Posted by Phillipa on January 16, 2006, at 18:34:41
In reply to Re: Advice and possible explanation of behavior? » Phillipa, posted by Racer on January 16, 2006, at 12:45:00
Ahhh shoot! Was hoping for your sake! Fondly, Phillipa
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