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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
I've become ultra sensitive in therapy. I get upset so easily and half the time I don't even know why I'm upset. Someone help me sort out today, because it happened again.
We spent most of the session talking about my relationship with my husband. I said I'd been thinking about this idea that I let him hold all the anger because I can't tolerate my own. But lately things seem slightly easier between us -- we aren't fighting as much and my husband doesn't seem as unhappy as he did this summer. My therapist wondered if it was because I'm owning my anger a little more, balancing things out some. I really don't know. We kept exploring this -- talking about my husband's feelings, behavior and possible motives. And I felt more and more upset. I asked my therapist "if you were treating my husband, what would you say to him about a wife who has been really depressed, isn't any fun and doesn't enjoy sex with you?" He wanted to know why I was asking and why I look like I was going to cry.
I finally told him that I felt like we had let my husband invade our session and I didn't want to share. That perhaps my husband needed my therapist more than I did but I wanted to be selfish and for once have things be about me. And yet I knew that we couldn't talk about my needs and my life without talking about my husband and his needs and wants. I said I felt like I was being totally unfair and irrational. I also said the intensity of these feelings didn't match our conversation. And yet I was really upset with my therapist and wanted something from him I wasn't getting and couldn't articulate.
So -- was I upset because I had such a tough weekend that all I wanted was tea and sympathy?
Or -- did the younger parts not get a chance to reconnect or talk?
Or -- did it feel like my therapist was "taking sides" by trying to explore my husband's angry behavior, instead of just telling me that it was unacceptable? Does he think I'm being unfair because I can't/won't talk to my husband about what we are working on in therapy?
WHY AM I STILL SO UPSET ABOUT TODAY'S SESSION --7 HOURS LATER???
I've got to get past these kinds of reactions because I find myself in a dark place feeling alone and scared. And that just isn't good right now. How do you force yourself to not be so fragile?
Posted by gardenergirl on November 22, 2005, at 1:49:57
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
Daisy,
You're post reminds me of my last two sessions. I'm not sure if it's a similar thing or not, but here goes.Last week we were talking about the anniversary fiasco and what has gone on since. We wound up talking more about my hubby and his reactions. At one point, he said something like, "You married him knowing he was this way" which felt a bit like he was washing his hands of me, or at least this problem. Or that I had made a mistake (equals I'm bad).
I left there sobbing, in part, I think, because I knew I wouldn't be back for a week, but also because I felt like I had been sent off without supper.
In thinking about it and talking about it my session today, I felt like we never got to talk about my feelings and reactions. And I was still hurting. I wanted him to validate that (I know, I know! I need to start doing that myself..sigh). But it felt to me like my feelings and hurts were "not as important" as talking about hubby was. And that hurt. And led me a bit towards the familiar, "Maybe I'm making a big deal out of this when it's really not. Maybe I *shouldn't* feel this way."
He seemed to "get it", and I think, agree that had gone on. Although I said, "I didn't *get* to talk about my feelings," and then immediately backpedalled, knowing I could have if I really wanted to.
So, could that be what's feeling so awful? Is it that talking about issues with hubby feels like problem-solving when you still want/need to talk about your feelings about the issue?
You're doing hard but good work, I can tell. (((daisy)))
gg
Posted by allisonross on November 22, 2005, at 9:00:21
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
> Dear Daisy: I don't think there is such a thing as being TOO sensitive (I have been accused of that); we all have feelings. They are simply.....facts
They are trying to tell us something, if we listen, and gt t know ourselves.
I've become ultra sensitive in therapy. I get upset so easily and half the time I don't even know why I'm upset. Someone help me sort out today, because it happened again.
i think the best thing to do is tell your t EXACTLY what you are saying here, and thinking; that is the ONLY way you can figure it out.
>
> We spent most of the session talking about my relationship with my husband. I said I'd been thinking about this idea that I let him hold all the anger because I can't tolerate my own. But lately things seem slightly easier between us -- we aren't fighting as much and my husband doesn't seem as unhappy as he did this summer. My therapist wondered if it was because I'm owning my anger a little more, balancing things out some. I really don't know. We kept exploring this -- talking about my husband's feelings, behavior and possible motives. And I felt more and more upset.This the point where you should have said that.
I asked my therapist "if you were treating my husband, what would you say to him about a wife who has been really depressed, isn't any fun and doesn't enjoy sex with you?" He wanted to know why I was asking and why I look like I was going to cry.
>
> I finally told him that I felt like we had let my husband invade our session and I didn't want to share.Excellent!
That perhaps my husband needed my therapist more than I did but I wanted to be selfish
That is NOT selfish. You are there to have YOUR need taken care of.
and for once have things be about me. And yet I knew that we couldn't talk about my needs and my life without talking about my husband and his needs and wants.
Why not?
I said I felt like I was being totally unfair and irrational. I also said the intensity of these feelings didn't match our conversation. And yet I was really upset with my therapist and wanted something from him I wasn't getting and couldn't articulate.
You should have said this. Perhaps (and he should!) explore this stuff with you, and help you figure it out!
>
> So -- was I upset because I had such a tough weekend that all I wanted was tea and sympathy?And you should have had it!
>
> Or -- did the younger parts not get a chance to reconnect or talk?
>
> Or -- did it feel like my therapist was "taking sides" by trying to explore my husband's angry behavior, instead of just telling me that it was unacceptable?Sounds like it. Is that what it feels like to you?
Does he think I'm being unfair because I can't/won't talk to my husband about what we are working on in therapy?
your therapy is private. you get to decide who you share it with.
Ask him.
>
> WHY AM I STILL SO UPSET ABOUT TODAY'S SESSION --7 HOURS LATER???Sounds like you just said why, in what you posted above (feeling not heard, frustrated, angry and sad at not being validated by your therapist, the ONE person you expect that from)
>
> I've got to get past these kinds of reactions because I find myself in a dark place feeling alone and scared. And that just isn't good right now. How do you force yourself to not be so fragile?I don't think that is possible. you must honor your feelings and thoughts; they are what tells you who you are. We are.....who we ARE, and that should be honored and valued.
Feelings are not right or wrong....they just....are
hugs and love, Ally (who is trying to heal from 31 years of abusive marriage, and just finding out the ex has a girlfriend after only 5 months)
Ya gotta luv life; ya never know wht will happen next.
Posted by antigua on November 22, 2005, at 10:41:55
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
Daisy, Im glad to see you're back.I was worried about you.
Exploring your relationship w/your husband is important, probably especially so right now. Tking ownership of your share of it doesn't make it black or white--your T is still on your side. Maybe he's just trying to pull a more complete picture out of the relationship so you can see how you can make the relationship more of the way you want it to be, or to make changes that benefit you.
I don't think it's about your husband at all, it's all about you. You haven't done anything wrong, it's just the twists and turns your relationship has taken as you and he (and all of us) have gone through life. THings that worked when we were younger don't always work anymore.
But it's still all about you and what you want. So tell your T what you want out of the relationship. I really think that's what he's trying to pull out of you. And to compare what you feel you get w/your T that you don't get in real life.
Have a happy thanksgiving. Hope your boys will all be home.
best,
antigua
Posted by fallsfall on November 22, 2005, at 14:04:14
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
I think it is progress.
You need to start taking care of yourself, getting your OWN needs met - not just taking care of everyone else. Lots of times, the first time we can try something new is in therapy, because it is a safe place. So maybe you are trying out what it would be like to ask for your own needs to be met. You don't want to know how to make your husband's life better - you want to know how to make YOUR life better. So you are asking your therapist if this is OK. Can you get YOUR needs met in therapy, or do you have to worry about your husband's?
I think this is wonderful, and you should definately talk about you and let your husband fend for himself.
>That perhaps my husband needed my therapist more than I did but I wanted to be selfish and for once have things be about me.
It doesn't matter how much your husband needs your therapist. He can't have him. He is YOUR therapist. And you can insist on things being about you. And I don't really think that is being selfish - it is being a "self".
And why does this upset you? Maybe because it is a change. And change is scary. The unknown is scary. But your therapist will keep you safe while you try this out.
(((((Daisy)))))
Good for you!
Posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 18:09:36
In reply to Re: Too sensitive -- need advice » daisym, posted by fallsfall on November 22, 2005, at 14:04:14
I told him about the list of possible things I had written about why I got upset yesterday and he said it was probably "all of the above." I told him how the upset had stayed with me and how quickly I had slid into the black hole. I hate when I don't understand myself. Worse, I hate that I can't tolerate being upset with my therapist and what it does to me.
It is scary to realize and admit how critical feeling connected to my therapist is for me right now. Without him I have no core, no structure or backbone. I've internalized him as a brace to my self as I figure out who I am, who I was and who I'm supposed to be. There is a huge voice screaming that this is a very dangerous thing, and another saying that this is just wrong, needing someone to help me be strong, and I should be able to "stand on my own two feet" -- so to speak. My therapist said those are old messages - dangerous from my dad and "be independent!" from my mom. We talked a lot about my fears and sensitivity to him right now -- and how fragile I feel. He used that word first -- "fragile" -- and said he thought that my sense of self was still fragile, which is why I needed to borrow his strength right now. He saw that as progress, allowing myself this support. I told him that I was worried that if all his patients needed him as much as I need him, he will burn out, or get sick or withhold himself to protect himself. Selfishly I worried that there wouldn't be enough of him to go around. And yes, I was jealous of him having a connection to other clients.He asked me if I had ever considered the idea that this work, being close to someone, was additive. I was surprised and asked, "how could it be?" He just smiled and told me how much he got out of the work he does. And then we talked about how perhaps this was coming from how I've been feeling -- too many people needing me and not enough of me to go around. Especially my husband. We were then able to talk more about my marriage and how hard change is in a relationship.
I left weepy but in a good way. I'm thinking I shouldn't go tomorrow just to insure that I don't mess things up again before the long Holiday. But I will miss him. (how sad is that, geez it is only 4 days!)
Thanks for the advice guys. It always helps to put it out here and try to sort it out.
Posted by Tamar on November 22, 2005, at 18:31:11
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
> I asked my therapist "if you were treating my husband, what would you say to him about a wife who has been really depressed, isn't any fun and doesn't enjoy sex with you?" He wanted to know why I was asking and why I look like I was going to cry.I’ve wondered the same sort of thing… what if my therapist were treating my husband? What would he think of me if he heard the story told from my husband’s perspective? Would I come across as a complete b*tch? And yet when I talked about my husband my therapist never portrayed him as a b*stard. And maybe I wanted him to, just a little… but it was probably better that he didn’t!
> I finally told him that I felt like we had let my husband invade our session and I didn't want to share. That perhaps my husband needed my therapist more than I did but I wanted to be selfish and for once have things be about me. And yet I knew that we couldn't talk about my needs and my life without talking about my husband and his needs and wants. I said I felt like I was being totally unfair and irrational. I also said the intensity of these feelings didn't match our conversation. And yet I was really upset with my therapist and wanted something from him I wasn't getting and couldn't articulate.
Maybe you wanted your therapist to say something the perfect partner would say? If your husband was ‘intruding’ in your session, maybe you wanted your therapist to kick him out? And of course your husband’s needs and wants have an impact on your life, so inevitably it’s therapy fodder. Maybe you wanted to hear that your needs and wants are as important as your husband’s… and maybe you want your husband (and your therapist) to acknowledge that…
> So -- was I upset because I had such a tough weekend that all I wanted was tea and sympathy?Nothing wrong with a bit of sympathy.
> Or -- did the younger parts not get a chance to reconnect or talk?
I’m guessing it’s not that; it sounds like your married part is feeling a bit fed up.
> Or -- did it feel like my therapist was "taking sides" by trying to explore my husband's angry behavior, instead of just telling me that it was unacceptable? Does he think I'm being unfair because I can't/won't talk to my husband about what we are working on in therapy?
Maybe you wanted him to be more sympathetic and less analytical?
> WHY AM I STILL SO UPSET ABOUT TODAY'S SESSION --7 HOURS LATER???
>
> I've got to get past these kinds of reactions because I find myself in a dark place feeling alone and scared. And that just isn't good right now. How do you force yourself to not be so fragile?I don’t think you can force yourself not to be so fragile. I do hope you can accept your fragility as something positive: it’s a sign that you’re sensitive, which can hurt sometimes, but which of course is the same sensitivity that makes you a good mother, a good friend, and a good person.
I dunno… sometimes I fantasise about what I want my ex-therapist to say to me in imaginary therapy, and it helps me understand my feelings. Recently I was thinking that I wanted my ex-therapist to tell me he loves me enough for both of us (so that he can love me when I hate myself) and that he wants to take my pain away. Clearly I want to be rescued and loved… but just the idea of hearing those words was quite powerful for me. It’s not the sort of thing therapists say, but wanting to hear it is at least an indication of what I want in order to feel more whole. What would you like to hear your therapist say to you?
Posted by Dinah on November 22, 2005, at 19:26:49
In reply to Too sensitive -- need advice, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 0:44:54
Maybe it just tapped into the natural resentment that comes with living with someone who's sick. It seems like their needs always come first. That you don't have any right to complain about their bad behavior.
Your therapy and your therapist are very important things to you on an emotional level. Maybe it's natural to worry that your husband's needs will overwhelm your last bastion of safety. Especially since your therapy is currently focused on putting your own needs first sometimes. A little fear of retribution from your husband's needs might be sort of a natural expectation (though not of course warranted).
Your therapist and your therapy are just for you, and there's no threat that your therapist will take your husband's side against you. Whatever he says about your husband's motivations are said with an eye to *your* best interests. He's on your side trying to understand your husband, and make your home life as comfortable as possible.
If that makes sense?
Posted by Shortelise on November 22, 2005, at 22:20:55
In reply to Today, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 18:09:36
Hi Daisy,
I haven't been reading here much lately, but was glad to read these post from you today.
I have a lots of faith in your T, he sounds so solid and trustwrthy. You seem to be going with him where you need to go.
Take care Daisy. If your experience is anything like mine, the times of harsh confusion are the times when I move forward. It seems that even if I don't understand precisely what's going on, things inside me move, shift and change. Later I can sometimes look back with my T and talk about them, if I need some insight. He is always willing.
ShortE
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