Posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 18:09:36
In reply to Re: Too sensitive -- need advice » daisym, posted by fallsfall on November 22, 2005, at 14:04:14
I told him about the list of possible things I had written about why I got upset yesterday and he said it was probably "all of the above." I told him how the upset had stayed with me and how quickly I had slid into the black hole. I hate when I don't understand myself. Worse, I hate that I can't tolerate being upset with my therapist and what it does to me.
It is scary to realize and admit how critical feeling connected to my therapist is for me right now. Without him I have no core, no structure or backbone. I've internalized him as a brace to my self as I figure out who I am, who I was and who I'm supposed to be. There is a huge voice screaming that this is a very dangerous thing, and another saying that this is just wrong, needing someone to help me be strong, and I should be able to "stand on my own two feet" -- so to speak. My therapist said those are old messages - dangerous from my dad and "be independent!" from my mom. We talked a lot about my fears and sensitivity to him right now -- and how fragile I feel. He used that word first -- "fragile" -- and said he thought that my sense of self was still fragile, which is why I needed to borrow his strength right now. He saw that as progress, allowing myself this support. I told him that I was worried that if all his patients needed him as much as I need him, he will burn out, or get sick or withhold himself to protect himself. Selfishly I worried that there wouldn't be enough of him to go around. And yes, I was jealous of him having a connection to other clients.He asked me if I had ever considered the idea that this work, being close to someone, was additive. I was surprised and asked, "how could it be?" He just smiled and told me how much he got out of the work he does. And then we talked about how perhaps this was coming from how I've been feeling -- too many people needing me and not enough of me to go around. Especially my husband. We were then able to talk more about my marriage and how hard change is in a relationship.
I left weepy but in a good way. I'm thinking I shouldn't go tomorrow just to insure that I don't mess things up again before the long Holiday. But I will miss him. (how sad is that, geez it is only 4 days!)
Thanks for the advice guys. It always helps to put it out here and try to sort it out.
poster:daisym
thread:581132
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581338.html